The Seven-Year Itch

Hello Tom,

As the acknowledged Delta Quadrant expert on 20th Century I was wondering if you could lend me a hand with my newest project. It strikes me that the mess hall has stayed the same for the past six years, and frankly it's about time for a change. I've been doing a bit of research on layouts, and I think that something called a "singles bar" would be a really good way of encouraging people to mingle.

If we can reshape and redecorate the mess hall like this, I think we could have a Grand Opening in a couple of weeks. I thought that maybe the Captain and Commander could officially open it.

Neelix

Neelix,

I know that we've had our differences in the past, but I must admit that you've saved me from becoming the main decoration on B'Elanna's bat'leth more times than I care to remember. Consider the following piece of advice partial payback:

Say nothing about this to anyone. Nothing. And especially not to the Captain or Chakotay. If either of them find out that you've been setting them up for a date, you'll be demoted to third assistant warp core brush cleaner before you can say "I wish I had listened to that wise old Lieutenant, Tom Paris."

I'll be right down after shift. We'll sort this together.

Tom

Hi Connie,

You asked about Harry's shifts over the next week. He's got the night shift three times in a row from tonight. If you want to catch him, swap shifts with me tomorrow night.

To be honest, I'm not sure what you see in him. He's really nice and everything, but he's a total weenie. Why don't you go after someone who's not stayed in the same rank for six years? Tom's taken, I'll admit that Tuvok's probably not the best choice, but I hear from some of the Maquis that Chakotay's a real warrior in the sack. We'll even overlook the fact that his rank change was downwards.

Theresa

Hi Theresa,

OK, he's not the world's most dynamic hero, but he's got just the sweetest butt. You can't imagine.

Thanks for the swap offer - it's a deal. And since you're so keen on Chakotay, you can practise your wiles on him as he's got that day shift. The Captain's going to be around as well, but don't let that stop you. :-)

Connie

Mr. Neelix,

I hear that you're planning to develop the messhall from a place of sustenance (no matter how dubious) to a venue for social interaction, development of relationships and eventually, one may hypothesise, procreation. May I just say that this is a splendid idea and I am happy to lend my full support to this as an excellent boost to crew morale and long-term ship development.

The Doctor

Connie,

You're right. I can't imagine. What's more, I don't want to imagine. The day I start daydreaming about the rear face of Harry Kim is the day I voluntarily check myself into Sickbay. And believe me, after last week's physical that would take some persuasion. The Doc went nuts on testing my flexibility for some reason; I've never before managed to plant my ass on the ground in front/rear splits, and I never ever want to do it again. My eyes stayed crossed for hours afterwards.

Not to put a damper on the eternal flame of lust or anything, but Harry's track record suggests that for a successful coupling you need to be dead, give him a rare and exotic STD and / or suck out all his blood through whatever orifice you deem appropriate. Still, best of luck.

Terry

Doc,

Procreation? If I've read your mail right, you're anticipating crew members getting physical on the mess hall floor? I don't know what 20th Century publications you've been reading (my money is on the noted West American author Jacqueline Collins), but I assure you that the raciest thing that's going to be happening in the new mess hall is a Torres-Paris married spat when she finds out how many replicator rations I spent making a popcorn machine.

Still, any ideas you have about the new look messhall would of course be welcomed.

Tom

Chakotay,

Thank you for thoughtfully saving all the Doctor's crew fitness reports for my attention. I enjoy nothing more than seeing that all my crew are in top condition, especially when the Doctor leaves my fitness report at the bottom to provide a little contrast. I note that you re-read the report on me four times, Mister. I really hope, for the sake of your continued good health, that it wasn't used as a source of amusement. If I find that a single crew member outside of the two of us knows about my body fat percentage, you might find that the punchbag in your Holodeck training program suddenly changes into a rabid Targ. Then we'll see how fit you really are.

By the way, what's this I hear about a new-look messhall? I've got a few ideas of my own for the new decor. Did you ever hear of the "Starbucks" business franchise?

Kathryn

Kathryn,

As First Officer it's my duty to keep an eye on the welfare of all the crew. My Captain of course deserves special attention and concern. So does the welfare of the ship's EMH, which is why the idea of a caffeine-free diet for you never got beyond Sickbay doors. You owe me.

From what I can tell, Neelix has been spending a lot of time with Tom Paris recently. I'm sure that no good can come of this, but I'm equally sure that they'll listen attentively to any suggestions from their command team. Not that I'd suggest any abuse of power, of course.

Chakotay

Hello Harry,

I'm afraid I'll have to miss tomorrow evening's shift as Lt. Torres has asked me to help in Engineering on the day shift. Crewman Chung will be covering for me.

Good luck for your command assessment. I hope Tuvok goes easy on you.

Theresa

Tom,

I don't know how it's happened, but word's got out about the messhall changes. I've been deluged with ideas about possible decors. How are we going to settle on a design without offending people?

Neelix

Neelix,

From the suggestions I've seen so far: put some blowups of Joe Carey's French postcard collection on the wall as posters, fit a three-head auto-grind espresso machine behind the bar, replicate another TV from B'Elanna's specs and play 20th Century baseball matches on it, and stick with our original idea.

Tom

Chakotay,

Abuse of power? Perish the thought. Remind me, who signs off on the extra replicator rations needed for the redecoration? Do you feel a touch of cramp coming on in your signing hand that only a mug of really good coffee could alleviate?

Neelix suggested a Grand Opening in a few weeks, and asked if we'd do the honours. Well, I'm always game if there's a free drink involved.

Kathryn

Seven,

If you've ever wondered about the efficiency of our Captain, wonder no longer. And you didn't get this from me.

Sam

Kathryn,

You're a fiend in human form, and I'm taking lessons. Though I'll pass on the coffee. I hear that "decaf" was big in the late 20th Century; I'd check out Tom's replication parameters if I were you.

Join me for dinner tonight? Neelix is closing the messhall, presumably to measure up for the new design.

Chakotay

Captain,

It has come to my attention that in your latest fitness assessment you consistently under-performed all members of the crew, including Naomi Wildman and Ensign Chell.

I understand that you may not have been instructed on how to maintain an efficient cardiovascular system at your age. I would be willing to act as your trainer to improve your performance over the next few weeks. A suggested training schedule and diet are attached.

Seven of Nine

Hi Tom,

Thanks for the script for Captain Proton #34, "The Vapid Voluptuous Vulcan Vamps". We're glad to see that the Twin Mistresses of Evil are getting some more good lines. By the way, how did you get out of the Hypermagnetron Chamber at the end of last episode? Demonica is sure that she locked the door before setting it on "Defrost".

We like your idea of having Buster Kincaid finally defeat one of Proton's enemies (as opposed to getting captured and tortured all the time - besides, he enjoys that too much), but might we suggest the following amendments?

Malicia and Demonica

Doctor,

My ready room. Five minutes. A discussion on medical confidentiality is required. If I were you, I'd be writing myself onto a backup tape right now.

Janeway

Hi Be,

This may sound a little strange, but here goes. Is there any chance at all that we could borrow the following kit from Engineering for a few hours next week?

• Six metres of fibre-optic cable
• Two plasma rod test assemblies
• A water cooling supply
• A low-output plasma heater

In addition, if we could have a plastimetal forming oven on loan for the next two weeks, that would be real handy.

Tom

Hi Neelix,

I'm intrigued by your research project. Of course I can lend you my French art pieces; please take good care of them though, as they'd be a bit difficult to replace out here in the Delta Quadrant...

Incidentally, if you're looking for other relevant material then I believe Terry Jenkins has an impressive collection of late 20th Century pictorial publications. But you're a braver man than me if you dare to ask her for a loan. Besides, received wisdom around Engineering (our beloved Chief aside) is that the guys were all dosed to the eyeballs on hormones.

Joe Carey

Mr. Paris,

I am of course delighted that you see fit to supplement the theoretical side of your medical studies with a practical research project, and would be quite happy to supply the relevant bacteria, yeast and growth media for your use. Since the Sickbay replicator rations never get used anyway, I'm sure that you can take a few of them for use in your studies.

The Doctor

Paris,

While I know for a fact that you really are as dumb as you look, don't assume that this is a family trait. A heat source, a length of flexible tubing and water cooling equipment? Given to a man with access to Sickbay's biological resources? How stupid do you think I am, Tom Paris?

Guarantee 40% of your product to Engineering, and maybe we can sort something out.

Be

Captain,

You are of course in charge of this ship, and I would be the last one to query your actions. However, I feel bound to point out that the sudden manifestation of a violent (albeit hologrammatic) animal in the presence of a senior Voyager officer can hardly be regarded as contributing to the smooth running of the ship. Were I not concerned for the safety of my Security team, you would even now be contemplating the wrong side of a level 10 forcefield.

Besides, I was concerned that the covering-up of your tracks was significantly below your usual high standard. Are you going off your game?

Tuvok

Chakotay,

Hope those bite marks heal soon. Is it true that the Captain caused them?

I've got some info to slip your way but don't entirely trust the PADD system ever since that incident with Alex Ayala, Meg Delaney and the suspiciously convenient plasma leak alert. (Not that I'm accusing you, Ma'am). Meet me after shift. You know where.

B'Elanna

Tuvok,

Did my eyes deceive me or was that a threat that you just mailed me? Talk about going off your game; the Tuvok I know would have flushed me out of the nearest airlock as a precautionary measure, and that only if he was feeling particularly lenient.

Come and join me in 21st Century Provençe on Holodeck Two in an hour. The Brasserie Couturier is open for business and serving the most gorgeous Merlot.

Janeway

Hi Theresa,

I'm a bit nervous. OK, I lie; I'm absolutely petrified. What if it doesn't work? What if he's not interested? I'd going to be so embarrassed. And he's almost my boss, too. Captain Janeway would go spare if she knew I was even thinking about it.

Connie

No I wouldn't. Good luck.

Hi Jen,

I know this is a bit out of the blue, but I really can't get Chakotay out of my mind. I thought it was just a passing fad, but he came over yesterday to drop off some research data to me, and I just about fainted when he came close. He's so dark, and powerful, and red really suits him. As for that tattoo...

I was wondering about asking him around for dinner, but it's so difficult with him being my Commander and all. And our history isn't exactly great. Any suggestions?

Marla

Hi Marla,

Are you insane? Do you have a hankering to be left behind on a remote asteroid? Or fed to a herd of voracious hologrammatic Targs? Do you have any concept of what would happen to you if She found out about this? I mean, this is the woman who busted you down to Crewman without a second thought, wasn't that warning enough?

Don't get me wrong, it's not like you'd not be in with a chance in normal circumstances; you're tall, blond, far better proportioned than the mobile life preserver in Astrometrics, and frankly quite stunning. But I fear that two fundamental forces of the Universe are against you; Captain J, and the devotion of her First Officer. Red suits him, yes, but that goes further than just his uniform.

Jen

Chakotay,

There's definitely something up with the crew. I don't know for sure what's going on (though I'd point the finger at Tom Paris, just on past form) but there are stirrings. What do you reckon?

Kathryn

Kathryn,

At a guess I'd say that they've had enough of a brutal and tyrannical Captain, and are about to arise in their masses, overwhelm you in a mutiny and force you to walk the plank.

Come to think of it, I've got a desk surface in my quarters that would probably be ideal for that purpose. I'll go test it for springiness. And find an eye patch, bandanna and parrot while I'm at it, har har Jim lad.

Chakotay, who probably spends too much time watching late 20th century films but really doesn't care

Hi Tom,

We're all set for the opening in one week. Engineering have been remarkably helpful in supplying crew and materials to get the job done. Clearly you've managed to work your silver tongue magic on B'Elanna.

Any final changes on the menus?

Neelix

Hi Neelix!

Mommy said that she's happy to help you behind the bar on the first shift at the new messhall opening, but she won't let me come along for some reason. Could you talk her into it for me?

Your adoring goddaughter,

Naomi

Chakotay,

You're all talk, Commander. Anyone possessing any backbone (or indeed any common sense) would have thrown me to the sharks before giving me due warning of their intentions.

Besides, you'd be advised to read up on your maritime history and find out which side of the Bounty mutiny ended up marooned on an unspeakably remote island.

And please allow me to furnish you with the wooden leg and a place to fit it...

Kathryn Bligh

Neelix,

Very funny. I managed to bargain her down to 35% of the take, and that took sacrifices on my part that you just don't want to know about.

Tom

Hello Naomi,

I'm afraid that I'm with your mother on this one. You'll be very welcome in the messhall the day after the Grand Opening, and indeed Captain Janeway has promised to give you a guided tour of 20th Century desserts. But there are some things that grown-ups have to do occasionally that are best not seen by young eyes...

I promise to pass on any gossip, as long as you swear to me that your mom won't ever hear any of it.

Neelix

Ensign,

This mail is to confirm the final practical session of your command tests this evening. As you know, none of the shift members are aware that you are being assessed.

I should emphasise that a successful assessment will not by itself be enough to command an automatic promotion. However, it will no doubt be a significant factor in the considerations of the senior officers at the next promotion board.

Tuvok

Meg,

Thanks for the tea, and for the comforting words. Yes, I'm still terrified, but it's a more comfortable kind of terrified. At least I don't have to worry about being reduced to the rank of leola root peeler (3rd class) any more.

I've decided that I'm just going to walk up to Harry at a quiet point in the shift and tell him how I feel. That way he can't duck out or run away.

Connie

B'Elanna,

Get a video link from the bridge security camera to your PADD. Right now. Oh my goodness.

Tom

Captain,

I would not normally bother you with issues of crew assessment, but believe that for once you may be better placed than I to make a judgement. No doubt you have heard something of what transpired on the bridge last night.

I must confess to wanting to fail Ensign Kim on at least six criteria, to wit:

1. Failure to maintain focus on ship's tactical situation;
2. Failure to respond to alerts from bridge crew;
3. Overt fraternisation with junior crew member;
4. Violation of several standing crew hygiene regulations;
5. Utter lack of discretion; and
6. Failure to maintain the dignity of command.

However it is difficult to ignore the substantial improvement which he has managed to make to crew morale. I have the feeling that this is a situation which you would prefer to resolve personally rather than delegate.

Tuvok

Connie,

I take back everything I ever said about Harry. I mean, respect. Good luck to the both of you.

Try not to think about the fact that you'll both go down in Starfleet legend for what happened last night. I mean, sure, we've all known it happen in ready rooms now and then, and even on the bridge when a ship's in dock, but on active service... Voyager's crew will be dining out on this story for years to come when we get back to Utopia Planetia, never mind the years in the DQ.

Terry

Tom,

Perhaps we ought to postpone the Grand Opening of "Chez Bridget Jones". (Do you like the name? I've been brushing up on my knowledge of Earth's literature, after Ensign Jenkins showed me what I was missing.) I feel that we would be something of a damp squib after last night.

Neelix

Harry,

I know that you must be feeling unspeakably awkward right now; heaven knows I am. But we probably need to meet up somewhere inconspicuous. I'd suggest a quiet corner of the Messhall when it opens in two days, as that's the first time that we're both off shift. People will be way too interested in the Captain and Chakotay to notice us.

Rrrowrrrr.

Connie

Harry,

Script revisions from the Delaneys attached. Hope you're still able to help save the Galaxy.

Deep admiration, by the way. Hope you can join me in a pre-opening drink at "Paris Nights". We've a lot to talk about.

Tom

Neelix,

What was it that Harry and Connie did last night? Everyone's talking about it, but no-one will tell me. Even Mommy went really red when I asked her. She said that they were testing a piece of bridge equipment rather too vigorously, but she's a really, really bad liar.

Naomi

Ensign,

My ready room, 1800 hours. Don't dare to be late.

Janeway

Naomi,

I'll tell you when you're older. 40 strikes me as a good age. And unfair to play the Neelix-will-always-tell-the-truth card, by the way.

Neelix

Connie,

How the hell can you be so calm? In ten minutes time I've got to see the Captain, and frankly I'll be the happiest man in the world if I get out with all my intestines more or less in the right place. I mean, forget promotion, I'll be lucky if she doesn't reduce me to the rank of chief porthole scrubber (inside and outside).

If you're still frisky, and I'll be pretty damn impressed if you've any energy left after last night, I'm afraid that I'm going to have to disappoint you due to having all my necessary parts nailed to the wall above the Captain's desk.

Harry

Hello everyone,

Thank you for your patience and your incredible fortitude in the face of three weeks of being deprived of leola root stew. We'd like to announce that tomorrow evening the messhall will be reopening after a complete makeover.

During Alpha and Beta shifts it will be open as "Ahab's", a coffee and dessert bar in the finest traditions of late 20th Century San Francisco. We are planning to do specials based on recipes supplied by you, the crew; the opening specials will be "Janeway's Java" from our very own full-time coffee gourmet and occasional Captain, and Ensign Jenkins has kindly volunteered her grandmother's recipe for six-gun Texan pecan pie.

Gamma shift will see the transformation to an authentic French wine bar, drawing inspiration not only from "Chez Sandrine" but also from such contemporary internationally-known establishments as Boston's "Cheers", London's "Queen Vic" and Nouvion's "Café René". As a special opening week offer we've a cask of "Uncle Tom's Cobbler", the finest authentic spirit in the Delta Quadrant, guaranteed to produce an atmosphere of good cheer.

We're still searching for a good authentic name for the establishment in its evening form, all suggestions welcomed.

Looking forward to seeing all of you here on opening night. Don't be strangers, y'hear?

Tom and Neelix

Connie,

I'm alive and I'm still an Ensign. Amazing how a near-death experience changes your perspective on things. Two days ago I'd have been pissed to leave the Captain's room without an extra pip. Now I'm delighted to be leaving the room without leaving part of myself behind.

I don't know what she's been saying to you, but we have a lot to talk about. It's a date for tomorrow evening. Mine's a triple of Uncle Tom's. Make sure we sort out the important stuff before I get down more than half the glass - I know what went into it.

love, kisses and much more that I don't trust to put through the PADD system,

Harry

Chakotay,

Join me for a drink at the Grand Opening? I was going to leave Harry in charge of the bridge, but on reflection felt that everyone would be happier with Tuvok there. Including Tuvok.

Janeway

Marla,

Megan has just told me that you're in dressed in that shimmering red off-the-shoulder dress with your hair in a bob, and on your way to the messhall Grand Opening. If by the remotest chance you happen to read this message, turn around and go back to quarters. Or go to Sickbay and announce that you think you might be pregnant. Or stop outside the brig and punch out Lt. Ayala. Or go to Astrometrics and ask Seven to explain transwarp theory to you. Anything, but stay away from Chakotay tonight. You will thank me for this advice, I promise you.

Jen

Tuvok,

The console in my room is beeping a bridge alert at me at an unbelievable volume. You have thirty seconds to turn it off, before it becomes fit only for scrap. If the ship subsequently explodes, I'll count that as a bonus, as long as it does so quietly.

If you find Lieutenant Paris anywhere on the ship, I want him kept locked in an airtight brig for the rest of the voyage. I'll put together a charge sheet when I can think without vomiting.

Janeway

Tuvok,

I can't look after this shift. Get Harry to do it. Please. I'm begging you. You have no concept of how bad it will look for Voyager's first officer to be forbidding any course changes in case the motion forces him to run for the bathroom. At the moment I'd rather plough Voyager straight into a neutron star than cause the ship to wobble even slightly.

Chakotay

Good morning Captain, Commander;

I have left Ensign Wildman at the conn, being the sole Beta shift officer fit to command anything larger than Naomi Wildman's toy shuttle. I assume that the Captain will be able to resume command by Gamma shift. I also assume that the Commander would like to cancel his inspection of the meat and preserves store that was planned for later in this shift, though Mr. Neelix has been kind enough to set aside a jar of pickled livers for you both when you're feeling better.

Incidentally, Captain, your Assistant asked me to let you know that she is ready to tour the sticky cakes and cream buns of "Ahab's" whenever you are.

I have not seen Lieutenant Paris, but would hazard a guess that whatever you have planned for him would pale into insignificance when his wife recovers enough to catch him.

Tuvok

Connie,

I know how bad a question this may turn out to be, but what happened last night? The only clear recollection I have involves a detailed inspection of the bottom of my washbasin around 03:00. There was something about a conversation with my replicator too, though the fine points are lost in the mist of brain cell death.

Harry

Tuvok,

You fiend.

The Command Team
Currently commanding the Porcelain Ship

Commander,

Where is everyone? And is there any truth to the rumours which I heard from a source whom I will not name for security reasons?

Seven

Seven,

Without further clues as to the rumours, I cannot help. Suffice it to say that I would not rely on any source who partook of "Uncle Tom's Cobbler" last night.

Although most of the bets around Security on the Captain's alcohol tolerance proved overly optimistic.

Tuvok

Harry,

It's all right, I can't remember very much either. Your advice about Tom's hellbrew was good advice, pity that no-one (ourselves included) took it.

I'll tell you something though, my bunkmate Marla is hiding under her covers and refusing to come out, and I don't think that Tom Paris is entirely to blame for this.

See you after shift, Tiger.

Connie

Commander,

My source was, as far as I can tell, the only one in the messhall who didn't touch the 80-proof Class 2 toxic substance which Lt. Paris was dispensing. She mentioned something about Crewman Gilmore, Commander Chakotay and the Captain, but was laughing too much to be coherent.

I understand that ship gossip is a pernicious force, but it is only through confronting and overcoming danger than we can master it.

Seven

Jen,

Oh my goodness, I'm so hung over it's not true. Please tell me that I didn't do what I think I did last night. However, I'm still alive and not locked in the brig or marooned on an asteroid, so I guess it wasn't as bad as it could have been.

Marla

Marla,

Hate to break it to you, but yes you did do what you think you did. You're still alive (though by the sound of it you wish you weren't) mostly because the Captain had substantially more of the hooch than anyone except the Bolians. Come to that, even they look a bit rough this morning. I'm surprised she's even still able to breathe, and reckon she won't be in any condition to hunt you down and kill you for another few hours yet, coffee or no coffee.

I'll admit that the comment about the tattoo was a little unfortunate, but you're lucky that the Commander was distracted by the Captain's (fairly spirited - do you think that she's been practising with the Fair Haven barman?) impromptu Irish jig. Speaking of which, I wonder if Neelix has got the heel marks off the table yet. Or if the Captain's bruises have started to fade.

Anyway, back to the subject at hand. Chakotay. Um. You probably need to talk to him. Or never speak to him again. One of those two, anyway.

I see what you mean about his build, though. Anyone who can hold B'Elanna to a draw in an arm wrestling match has to command some respect.

Jen

Hi Tom,

Well, I thought that the Grand Opening went really well, don't you? I'd been worried that the crew was sinking into too much of a routine, but we really sorted that out last night. If I may say so, I think Lt. Carey's French posters were the main hit of the evening. Certainly Commander Chakotay and Lt. Ayala were making a very detailed inspection of them. I'm not sure what the Delaneys were laughing about, though.

What should I do with the remaining two jars of Cobbler? Would you and B'Elanna like some?

Neelix

Captain,

A while ago now I asked you to allocate a crewman to assist me in Sickbay on a part-time basis. You sent me Mr. Paris. Perhaps I should clarify that my original intention was for this assistant to reduce my workload, not to double it. Sickbay is awash with moaning bodies and semi-digested food. I'm a doctor, not the foil to a mass poisoner.

I have managed to produce a counter-agent to most of the toxins in Mr. Paris's ethanol-based concoction. You are welcome to stop by Sickbay for me to administer it, as long as you promise not to aggravate your condition by drinking more coffee.

The Doctor

Chakotay,

I've got six coffees down me and am just about able to function again. After I've reduced Mr. Paris to the rank of Protein Supply and sent Mr. Neelix off on an expedition to gather food from the nearest Demon-class planet, is there anything you want me to sort out for you?

We might need to talk about Crewman Gilmore. I'm starting to have disturbing recollections about things I heard her saying.

Janeway

Neelix,

Don't be fooled by the message header. I've commandeered Naomi's PADDmail account on the grounds of ship security, i.e. the danger the ship would be in if its chief pilot was caught, tortured and killed by its chief engineer. I figure she won't think to track the sending location of this account.

As far as last night goes, I think we can safely say that it will not be soon forgotten. No matter how much everyone may want it to be.

Set fire to the Cobbler. Now. Before anything else happens. It should burn quite nicely.

Tom

Kathryn,

Do what you like with the shift. If it involves a quick and painless end for me as a side effect, I'm all for it.

You're right about Marla Gilmore, though. My memory is a bit hazy, but among other things I'm sure she said something about tattoos that I really, really hope I misheard.

Was that a fire alarm I just heard, or was it another tremens-caused hallucination?

Chakotay

Hi there my fearsome Ladies of Languidity and Lust,

Captain Proton is unable to make tonight's episode due to some problem with The Queen Bee and her Bloody Bat'Leth, so he's deputised me to save the Galaxy.

Having said that, I know how hard it is to overcome you even when Proton and I join forces, so in the tradition of late 20th Century TV may I present the sassy, bold and ass-kicking Ellen Ripley (aka Crewman Chung) who will be working with me to keep Earth safe. Cower in your temple of torment, toxic terrors of mankind, for Ripley fears nothing on Earth.

Final script attached. Not too many tweaks have been added, and feel free to improvise in any case.

Buster Kincaid

Crewman,

My quarters, 17:00 hours. I've attached two replicator rations good for redeeming against mugs of my custom coffee blend, so you've no reason not to be alert and attentive.

And you had better have a phenomenally good explanation for what happened last night.

Janeway

Help.

Marla

Can't help - got a Galaxy to terrorise and a new foe to face. Looks like you're screwed though. Good luck.

Jen

Captain,

I know this may not be a convenient time, and I realise that I may not be top of your favourites list at this point, but believe me you'll appreciate the interruption.

Could I see you in your ready-room in half an hour? I will of course bring a pot of fresh-brew Klingon coffee with added Arullian scorpion venom for that special wake-up kick. Incidentally, I was thinking of trading the recipe when we finally reach that Guillian space station; I wonder if you might be persuaded to give a few words of endorsement?

Sorry about the fire; I was disposing of some hazardous waste. I'll get the soot marks off the ceiling of Cargo Bay 2 within the day.

Neelix

All crew,

I realise that there might be a few rumours floating around after the past couple of days. In the interest of crew morale, I feel it is best to address them now.

Ensign Kim and Crewman Chung are happy to announce that they are officially a couple. The senior staff would like to wish them every happiness together.

The new mess hall is to operate its evening shifts under the trading name of "Delta Nights". Sam Wildman will be organising the bar work rota whereby crew can earn extra replicator credits.

"Ahab's" will continue to operate as normal. Seven and Naomi will look after the waitressing rota, and in addition Naomi has kindly volunteered to run quality controls on the food.

B'Elanna has finally fixed the bridge video system, and apologises to Security for the resulting two week gap in recordings.

Production of any ethanol-based substance on this ship will be punishable by death for a first offence.

Commander Chakotay only has one tattoo on his body. I've checked.

Janeway

Tom,

I know you're picking up your PADD mail; Harry told me. Captain Janeway's got a plea bargain for us. Here's the deal. If:

• you apologise at length on your knees in front of the Captain on the bridge in the middle of the next shift;
• I make a large batch of my mom's chocolate cookies for the Captain and Naomi;
• Neelix gives the Captain unlimited replicator credits for coffee for the next month;
• we find out how Chakotay got to know about "the Argullian ambassador's reception, the barkeep's brother and the apricot soufflé"; and
• you help Captain Janeway add some tweaks to Chakotay's holodeck programs

then:

• Neelix won't be sold as a house pet to the next ship we come across;
• you'll be allowed to return to your duty station with no disciplinary action resulting;
• Captain Janeway will do her best to stop B'Elanna tearing you apart with her bare hands; and
• I'll be let off cleaning up the rest of Sickbay with my bare hands.

C'mon Tom. Please? Hurry!

Yours with turning stomach,
Marla