PADDernity

Captain,

I understand that you have consumed at least four cups of Klingon coffee in the past 24 hours. This means that you have possibly ingested sufficient caffeine to kill a lower primate, and certainly enough to affect your metabolism markedly.

While I am normally not one to question my Captain's better judgement, such as it is, I feel that I ought to remind you of our discussion last week. Your promise to "cut right down" on caffeine does not square with the facts available on your recent diet. Speaking of which, denying me access to the replicator logs was a futile action at best. Seven of Nine thought that your attempts to cover your hacking trail were clumsy at best; are you going off your game? Could this possibly be due to your aforementioned ingestion of mind-altering substances?

I'll see you in Sickbay at your earliest, repeat earliest, convenience.

The Doctor

'Nuff said.

Janeway
Mad, Bad and Dangerous to Know

Starfleet Medical Regulation 121, Section A:
"The Chief Medical Officer of a ship may relieve any officer of his or her duties if they are deemed medically unfit to continue."

Don't make me call Commander Chakotay.

Incidentally, I'd agree wholeheartedly with your self-description.

The Doctor

I'll be there in ten minutes.

Don't think you've heard the last of this. And if you tell Chakotay, I'll mount your mobile emitter inside the dirtiest warp plasma manifold I can find.

Janeway

Bel,

You're going to see the Doctor later today, right? Can you grill him about why the Captain has been in there more times in the past month than in the previous six years? I just saw her sneak in there again. She sure seems to not want anyone else to know about it.

Tom

Paris, you're a piece of work.

1. Does the phrase "doctor - patient confidentiality" ring any bells inside that tiny skull of yours?
2. How about "scrubbing the plasma manifolds for the next thirty years, in between cleaning the Bolian lavatories"?

If it will stop speculation (which I doubt; the only way to stop you speculating seems to be to insert a bat'leth into your skull, and sometimes I'm frankly tempted), I think that the Captain's hit her menopause. That seems the most plausible explanation for the occasional flush that I've seen on her, and her admittedly erratic behaviour recently.

Now shut up and fly the ship.

Be

Paris,

I swear, dating you will be the death of me. Assuming I don't get you first. Anyway, here's what I've managed to find out from a furtive 30 seconds at the Sickbay console.

She Who Must Be Obeyed (I wouldn't put it past her to grep the PADD system spool for names and key words) has been in Sickbay roughly every week, for at least half an hour at a time. I didn't get time to see her medical records in detail, but there are definitely recent changes in her physiology.

Breathe a word of this to anyone, and I'll sneak a phaser rifle into Dr. Chaotica's chambers and turn the Holodeck safety locks off.

I don't think the Doctor suspects anything. Still, that's all the snooping I'm doing for you. You're on your own now, p'tahk.

B'Elanna

Oh yeah -- and the Doctor says I'll be okay, the sickness should wear off in a week or so. Thanks for asking.

B'Elanna

B'Elanna,

I didn't want to say anything in front of the rest of the crew, but is everything OK? You've seemed really distracted the past couple of days, and Engineering is starting to talk. Of course, I've come down hard on anyone gossiping, but that won't stop it.

If there's anything I can help with, tell me. Likewise if there's something I should know about.

Joe

Carey, your job is to maintain the engines, not your Chief. And if I catch your nose where it's not wanted, you'd better hope that the Doctor can find you a replacement for it.

Torres

Joe,

Sorry about that. Disregard my last mail. You caught me at a bad time, but that's no excuse. Thank you for your concern -- I really do appreciate it.

You're right; I have been off form recently. The Doc says I should get back to normal within a couple of weeks. If not, he's already threatened to confine me to Sickbay. So you'll be OK either way.

B'Elanna

You're apologising to me? Now I know something's wrong.

Come and grab lunch with me. We'll leave Vorik in charge. I'll leave the choice of "unfortunate" catastrophic engine failure mode to you.

Joe

Captain,

I've just completed my tests from your visit this morning. If you are wondering why your command codes don't seem to work, wonder no longer.

Commander Chakotay: you are in command of Voyager until further notice.

Commander Tuvok: please ensure that Captain Janeway is in Sickbay in the next ten minutes.

The Doctor

People,

After advice from the Doctor, I am temporarily giving up command of the ship. Commander Chakotay will take over from me, with Lt. Commander Tuvok as his second-in-command. Please offer them every assistance.

The Captain

Doc,

Get a security team to the Captain's quarters, pronto. Someone must be holding a phaser rifle to her head.

Tom

Mr. Paris,

You are fortunate that six years of exposure to what is apparently your sense of humour has enabled me to tell when you are not being entirely serious.

The Captain and I had a frank discussion, and we agreed to this course of action. There is nothing suspicious going on, rest assured. Indeed, the Captain instructed me to pass the following message on to you once you contacted me. She clearly knows you far too well...

The Doctor

Hi Seven,

I've not seen the Captain around the ship for nearly a week now, and she doesn't seem to be answering her PADD mail. You and she are pretty close; do you know how she's doing?

Harry

Seven,

Just to remind you that you're due for a checkup at 1815 hours this evening. I want to see how your cortex nodes are holding up. And while you're here, Mr. Kim has supplied me with some music from his compositions which he has scored for baritone and alto. I thought that you and I could have a trial warble of a few stanzas.

This seems to be turning into a "Day of the Valkyries", what with you, the Captain and Lt. Torres all coming into Sickbay at various times today. Come to think of it, I probably ought to see Ensign Wildman too.

The Doctor

Neelix,

Would you be an angel and baby-sit Naomi this evening? Megan is organising a girls' night, and so I can't get Rikka or Celes to sit.

Be warned that Naomi's in a bit of a strange mood. I'm not sure what's up; she won't talk to me about it. Maybe you'll have more luck?

Sam

Doctor,

I shall be unable to attend my check-up this evening. The Ensigns Delaney have instructed me to come with them for a "night of fun". They said that it would be an excellent opportunity for me to develop my social awareness.

Seven of Nine

Ensign Kim,

I shall be seeing the Captain this evening. I shall be sure to pass on your best wishes.

Seven of Nine

Seven,

No problem at all. I'd agree with the Delaneys that it would be a wonderful opportunity for you. We can sample Mr. Kim's offerings at a later date.

Of course, you will have to give me a debriefing on how the evening goes. I'd be very interested to hear what you get up to.

The Doctor

B'Elanna,

Last minute replicating needed: can you get us as many of the following as you've got rations for?

• Six large feathers
• Facepaint (the more colors the better)
• A red wig (shortish, style hopefully obvious)
• A litre of vodka
• Six litres of Rocky Road ice cream

If you could dig out a non-functioning compression phaser rifle, that'd be great. We tried to get one off of Tuvok but he asked too many awkward questions. Jen discovered that even she can't charm her way around Vulcans. At least, not that Vulcan. (Do you know what Vorik's doing tonight?)

TIA,

Meg and Jen

Harry,

Hope you're ready for tonight. B'Elanna is out for a night with the girls, so it's just the two of us and Dr. Chaotica. Strap on your rocket shoes.

Should we get Chakotay along? He's been keeping himself to himself recently, what with all the command stuff. Maybe he could do with a night out.

Tom

Hi Chakotay,

We're one short for tonight's Captain Proton episode, and it's the climax of the series. The Captain has waxed lyrical about your thespian talents in the past; would you be free to help us save the galaxy? Think of it as advanced training for your command role, if that helps.

The Defenders of Earth

Gentlemen,

I have to admit to a hot date this evening with a wad of requisition forms, Engineering 6-month plans and a firebreathing Captain who is insisting on a full situational update by 0800 hours tomorrow, revoked command privileges notwithstanding. On balance, I preferred it when she was in full health.

Have a good one, anyway. Remember that Earth is counting on you.

Chakotay

You are unbelievable, Chakotay. Are you seriously telling us that you'd rather spend an evening slaving over a hot PADD than help save the Galaxy?

Buster Kincaid
Professional Sidekick

Got them all, thanks to Tom a) winning a bet with most of Engineering and b) failing to keep his rationing password as secure as he ought to.

I don't know for sure what you're planning, but if it's what I think then you'd better dig an escape tunnel out of the brig in advance.

See you tonight,

B'Elanna

Hi Vorik,

Could you spare me half an hour this evening? I've got some tricky isolinear chip configurations which are proving a bugbear, and B'Elanna mentioned that you were The Man to deal with that sort of problem.

Jen D.

An old Indian saying for you two to ponder:
"Taunt not the Commander with the system password, for he can make your next replicated meal considerably more interesting".

Having said that, it'd be a shame to waste the evening. I'll meet you at Holodeck 2 at 2000 hours. Just remember to pass by the Captain's quarters first thing tomorrow morning and pull the various bits of my carcass into Sickbay for the Doctor to stitch back together.

Chakotay

Alex,

What is that bloody awful noise?

Joe

Do you mean the rolling bass and blaring fanfare coming out of Holodeck 2, the hysterical screams from chez Delaney or Carlson's snoring?

Alex

We can probably rule out Carlson. OK, you've cleared up the mystery. No doubt you're having as much difficulty sleeping as I. Would Talaxian ale and donuts in a distant part of the ship tempt you?

Maybe you can rule out Carlson. Considering he's about eight feet from me at the moment, it's a sight more difficult for me to do so.

See you in the mess hall in five.

Girls,

I wouldn't normally feel the need to remind people of this, but just in case: remember that everything about last night goes nowhere near a Y chromosone. Especially don't send anything across PADDs. The Lady will make the announcement in her own good time.

Jen D.

Chakotay's still not out of the Captain's room. Should we call the Doc? And are you going to tell Tuvok that he's just been promoted, or shall I?

Harry

Lieutenant,

Unfamiliar as I am with some human customs, I wonder if you could enlighten me on some points which have arisen recently.

1. When engaged on engineering activities outside normal work hours, is it really a social offence to wear one's uniform?
2. If so, why is it not then socially acceptable to return to one's quarters to obtain off-hours clothes?
3. Surely humans' poor tolerance of temperatures would imply that soldering while unclothed would be regarded as quite hazardous?

Clarification on these would be appreciated.

Also, we may be advised to inspect the electrical conduits in Ensign Delaney's quarters. They appear prone to strange current surges which have damaged some isolinear chips in the past.

Vorik

Jen,

I want the holo-images. One week of replicator rations if you get them to me before Vorik goes off-shift.

Joe

One week's rations, Lt. Carey? The bidding is up to three weeks already. Try again.

All proceeds to a worthy cause. You can trust us.

The Twin Mistresses of Evil

Tom? Where are you? What's Culhane doing at the helm? What's going on?

Harry

Seven,

Earn my everlasting gratitude. Tell me what has happened to Tom Paris, what Chakotay is doing with the Captain, where B'Elanna is, and why the Doc hasn't chased me about the medical I've missed this morning. Please.

For bonus points, why is every female crew member giggling when they pass by Vorik?

A bemused Harry

Ensign Kim,

You disappoint me. I had thought that your mind was equal to the task of assimilating the available information and making the appropriate deductions. Regard it as an impromptu part of your training.

I believe Ensign Paris would consider it appropriate at this point to say "Weenie".

Seven

You don't know what's going on either, do you? Admit it.

I'll just curl up under Ops and pretend the rest of the ship doesn't exist...

Harry

Hi everyone,

For those of you who have been following the rumour mill recently, wonder no more. The Doctor has confirmed that I'm expecting a small Torres, to arrive in about seven months.

I shall continue to head up Engineering, but Joe Carey will take up more of my work as time goes on. Please don't make life easy for him, he might hassle me less when I come back on full-time duty. (Smile, Joe!)

Thank you to everyone for their present of seven weeks of replicator rations. Tom and I look forward to using them to set up our quarters. At least, once I manage to stop Tom wandering around the ship looking as if he's been goosed by a Nossikan.

Over to you, Cap'n.

B'Elanna

People,

The Doctor has advised me that I am no longer able to cope physically with the stresses of command, and that there is no prospect of this changing in the foreseeable future. Therefore, the existing command changes will become permanent. Commander Chakotay will become Captain, and Lt. Commander Tuvok will become the ship's Commander.

Chakotay and I can now announce that we intend to be married in the next couple of weeks. You are, of course, all invited. Chakotay will be organising his bachelor party real soon now; I believe he's trying to fix it before Mr. Paris recovers enough to take a hand.

My warmest congratulations to Tom and B'Elanna.

Kathryn

All right, Paris. Time to talk...

Harry

Ensign Delaney,

Ensign Vorik informs me that you've been experiencing problems with some isolinear chips in your quarters. While I'd be the first one to applaud your enthusiasm in taking work home with you, I hate to have to inform you that isolinear chips exposed to high voltages have been known to produce toxic gases and heavy metal particulates. From what Ensign Vorik has told me, I fear that your quarters may have been thus contaminated.

The Doctor agrees that we shouldn't take any chances, and hence please move out of your quarters immediately. Don't take anything more than you absolutely have to since we'll have to decontaminate pretty much everything that comes out; the decontamination of your quarters will be much slower but more thorough and less destructive.

I've spoken to Mr. Neelix, and he's arranging alternative quarters for you two in the interim.

Carey

Naomi,

Thank you for keeping all this under your hat. I really do owe you one. And thank you for giving me a sympathetic ear; it meant a lot to me that I had someone I could confide in.

Chakotay has been fully appraised of the benefits of a Captain's Assistant, as promised. The only thing I'm worried about is that you might end up being better at the job than he is...

Could you and Seven come find me after she gets off shift?

Kathryn

I'll get you for this, Carey, see if I don't.

Jen D.

Thanks a bundle, sis. Neelix tells me I'm quartered with Carlson since Alex Ayala has just changed shifts, and word has it that he snores like an aardvark with sinus trouble.

Next time you have a bright idea, keep it the hell out of my bedroom, okay?

Megan

Mr. Paris,

You'll no doubt be pleased to know that you've been let off Sickbay duty for three weeks, starting in six months time. Lt. Torres specifically requested it, and of course I couldn't refuse her.

I believe her exact expression was "Love him as I do, I wouldn't trust Tom to deliver pizza, let alone a baby."

My congratulations on your imminent fatherhood. I've a stack of texts on baby development which you'd be very welcome to borrow.

And if you happen to see Mr. Kim on your wanderings, kindly remind him that his chances of getting clearance to do that zero-G work with Seven this week are directly related to his rapid appearance in Sickbay for his check-up.

The Doctor

Doctor,

I have need of some information. What is it that a "bridesmaid" does?

And do I have to wear pink?

Seven