Tales from a PADD

People,

It's coming around to crew appraisal time again, which means that you need to be organising your departments to deal with this. I want every crew member to get a fair appraisal. We missed out some people last time, and that isn't acceptable. Everyone gets time with a senior officer for their appraisal. I'm willing to assist where required.

Let me emphasise, this is important. We've several command roles which need filling, and I want us to have a good idea of who to shortlist for them. The crew have been in the Delta helping them develop their command as well as scientific knowledge. I don't want Voyager's senior officers to turn up at Starfleet HQ and promptly get demoted to the rank of Ensign for failing to advance the careers of their crew members.

Get on it.

Janeway

So, which one of us gets to appraise the Captain?

Chakotay

Don't even think about it, Chakotay. Remember, I've not called in that forfeit yet...

Besides, command has to have some privilege. Right?

Kathryn

Don't you do that "loud silence" thing at me, Commander.

Kathryn

I will pick a crew member at random to give my appraisal. Please afford them every courtesy when they ask you for input.

Janeway

Oh, all right. Mr. Neelix will pick a crew member at random to give my appraisal.

Now quit bugging me.

The Captain

It's time for crew appraisals. Lieutenant Carey and I need to see each one of you at some time over the next six days. There's a PADD by the warp core; write your name in a slot.

Don't even think of "forgetting" to sign up. (Harren, are you listening?) These appraisals are important both for you and for the commanders. We're looking to see what you've been doing recently, how you've been developing your skills and knowledge, and finding out what you want to do in the future. ("Get home" is taken as read.)

And, in case you haven't heard, one of you may get a shot at appraising the Captain. Neelix is sorting this out.

Don't let me down, people.

B'Elanna

The PADD has been reset. Please go back to sign up again if you had already done so. Crew with surnames starting with the letters 'A' through 'M' have their appraisals with me, the others with Lt. Carey.

Sheesh, I'm only half Klingon. I don't eat you, do I?

B'Elanna

B'Elanna,

What have you said? I've had a constant stream of Engineering personnel through the mess hall, saying hello and bringing presents. My cooker has never looked so clean and is working better than ever. Have you been complimenting my cooking in public again?

Neelix

You're not fooling anyone, Neelix. Enjoy the power while it lasts.

Oh yes; while I think about it, if you ever again wave a bowl of cold gagh under my nose when I've spent half a day out of gravity, I will make you swallow the whole bowl. And then I'll stuff any remaining gagh in your ears. Do you know what it's like to have two nauseated stomachs? I spent half of last night with my head over a sink.

B'Elanna

Meg,

It's my worst nightmare. Neelix has picked me to give the Captain her assessment. I tried to say no, but he told me that there's no getting out -- I'm "it". Ohmigod. Help.

Sam

PS: And don't tell anyone. Even Naomi doesn't know; Neelix wants to surprise the Captain.

Dietary Profile

Subject
-------
   Name:   B'Elanna Torres
Species:   Klingon-Human 
 Gender:   Female
    Age:   Classified
   Role:   Engineering Terror

Profile Period
--------------
Stardates 48315.6 
       to 53753.2

Profiling Team
--------------
Ensigns K^#$(--** PARSING ERROR IN MSPADD.DLL

Ingestion Schedule
------------------
On a subject-oriented diurnal cycle:

+0.5 hours        Semi-liquid glucose- and caffeine-based 
                   intraoral intake
+1 to +11 hours   Irregular intraoral intake of sub-100g 
                   high-glucose solids and additional 
                   semi-liquids
+11 hours         Substantial (1kg+) solid synthesised 
                   intraoral 
+11 to +17 hours  Spasmodic consumption of substantial 
                   amounts of high-glucose low-fibre 
                   intraoral.  Occasional natural and
                   synthetic alcohols.

Digestion Profile
-----------------
Expressed as a fraction by volume of total
oesophageal intake over typical 7 day period:

 1. (35%)  Klingon coffee
 2. (23%)  Engineering (ensigns)
 3. (12%)  Cocoa-based solids
 4. (10%)  Engineering (other ranks)
 5.  (8%)  Refrigerated glucose-reinforced fat 
 6.  (5%)  Bridge crew (ensign pilots)
 7.  (3%)  gagh
 8.  (2%)  Unidentifiable, and good thing too
 9. (< 2%) Identifiable others

Notes
-----
Low overall fibre intake: subject could improve health by 
lowering coffee intake and replacing with puréed
vegetables.
Subject's vomit is designated a Class 2 toxic substance 
and should be kept away from non-shielded metals to prevent
corrosion. 

Biosciences

Sam,

You're joking, right? I know crew who'd kill for the chance you've got. C'mon, you'll be dining out on this experience for the rest of your life!

I dare you to mention something about Chakotay.

Meg

PS: You didn't mean not to tell Jen, did you?

1. No I'm not.
2. I'm ready to kill, but not anyone else.
3. Not a cat in Hell's chance.
4. Yes I did mean that; Jen will tell Harry in short order, Harry will laughingly mention it to Tom Paris, the whole ship will know, and I'm dead.

If you want me, I'll be under the covers in my bed, whimpering.

Sam

Whoopsie. Too late. Never mind; come around after shift. Get Neelix to babysit -- he owes you big-time for this, at least according to your screwy logic. I've got enough spare replicator rations to take your mind off this. Ice cream and double chocolate muffins?

Meg

It's Sam Wildman. But nobody's supposed to know, so keep it under your bat'leth.

Hope you're feeling better after last night's episode. Neelix was very apologetic for "spoiling my evening" when I saw him just now. I don't know what you've said to him, but it certainly had an effect.

By the way, I hear you paid a visit to Biosciences just now. What was all that about?

Captain P.

Hi Seven,

My mom's acting real strange. She's under the covers in my bed, and doesn't want to come out. Is it normal for moms to do this?

And why are people whispering to each other when I walk past them today? Is my hair sticking up at the back?

Naomi

Naomi Wildman,

Your data is imprecise, and I do not have access to appropriate research on this subject. However, I have noticed some related phenomena during my own research into human behaviour. Contributing factors appear to include stress, fear, excessive consumption of replicated ethanol solutions, and the presence of other crewmembers in the bed.

As to the whispering phenomenon, I would conjecture that this is linked to the choice of your mother by Mr. Neelix as the crewmember to do Captain Janeway's performance review. Perhaps they are concerned that your mother may give the Captain a hard time.

Seven of Nine
Tertiary Adjunct of Unimatrix 01

Very nicely done, Tom. Though I should point out that you need to get up pretty early in the morning to fool the Chief of Security about the origin of PADD mail. Even staying up all night and drinking Klingon coffee won't cut it.

Don't worry, I won't tell B'Elanna.

Probably.

Janeway

Crewman,

Please could you come to see me in my ready room at your earliest convenience. I've got an important job for you. Bring a PADD.

Janeway

Paris,

Don't play the innocent with me. No-one in Engineering would be stupid enough to pull a stunt like that, not with the plasma conduits as dirty as they are at the moment. I had one or two suspects in Biosciences, but they've been eliminated. (You can read that any way you want.)

That leaves you and that Borg as the only possibilities, and she's got no sense of humor whatsoever.

You're a dead man, you do realise that?

B'Elanna

Hi there!

Meet me in Cargo Bay Two at 1130 hours. The Captain's got just the most excellent jobs for us all. It's a secret though, so don't tell Seven. Captain's orders.

Naomi

Hands in the air, you've got me, Lieutenant. Guilty as charged. I have to submit to whatever punishment you feel is appropriate.

I'd get you dinner tonight, but I'm a bit short of replicator rations. Neelix has promised a delightful dish of puréed vegetables, though.

Tom

Captain,

Mr. Neelix picked me to do your appraisal. Please could you let me know when you would be free to meet.

Mr. Neelix also suggested that I get input from Commander Chakotay, Ensign Kim and the Doctor. If there is anyone else who you'd like as a reference, please tell me. I'm kind of new at this job, so do say if I'm doing something wrong.

Don't shoot the messenger, please ma'am.

Ensign Wildman

You just don't know when to quit, do you Paris?

My quarters, 1730 hours. Make sure that our Borg is on duty in Astrometrics by then, or we'll never hear the end of this.

And wear padding. I'm in the Doctor's bad books enough as it is.

Bel

Lieutenant,

The Captain has appointed me to conduct your performance review. I have checked your schedule and determined that 1540 hours is the optimum review time, minimising the probability of interruption. I require the following information:

1. engineering maintenance logs for the past year;
2. a full current ship systems status report; and
3. your projected schedule for the next six months.

We shall meet in Engineering. Please be prompt; to be late would be inefficient.

Icheb

Lieutenant,

I've just released Crewman Telfer, who (despite protests to the contrary) has recovered from the trauma of his encounter with you. You will no doubt be glad to learn that he suffered minimal physical damage. Nevertheless, may I suggest that vertical inversion and prolonged agitation of crew members can only negatively affect their health.

I should be glad to provide you with a sedative hypospray for use when you are feeling under pressure. Failing that, I would advise steering clear of Ensign Paris for a couple of days. I have noticed that his presence tends to provoke a significant elevation in systolic blood pressure in most of the senior officers.

The Doctor

Hi Commander!

Captain Janeway wants me to conduct your performance review. She's given me lots of useful information for it, and Ensign Kim has helped too; can you think of anyone else who could provide data?

Tell me when would be a good time for the review. We can use your ready room, right?

Mezoti

Neelix,

Captain Janeway has appointed us to conduct your performance review. We shall meet in the Mess Hall at 1415 hours. Please bring evidence of morale improvements in the crew over the past year; you may take story-telling to us adjuncts of Seven of Nine as read. The Captain has also suggested a nutritional breakdown of the Mess Hall meals.

We shall be seeking input from a random selection of crew members provided by the Captain.

Azan and Rebi

Captain,

You are evil and twisted, you do know that? If word of this ever gets back to Starfleet, your chances of commanding anything larger than a garbage scow have got to be zero.

Your horrified senior officers

Hi Tuvok!

When do you want to meet for your performance review? I've got a whole list of stuff to go through with you; Neelix has been very helpful about this, and I've had a few great ideas of my own.

Naomi

People,

What goes around comes around. Deal with it.

Janeway

Captain,

As requested, the performance assessment of Mr. Neelix.

Crew morale

Normally above Starfleet average, Mr. Neelix insisting that this is due to the regular social events which he organises. There is evidence of substantial effort on his part here.

For future development, Mr. Neelix suggested a "day in the life" event where crewmembers swap jobs with their senior officers for a day. An informal survey of crew members has suggested a large majority in favour of this.

Mess hall

There is a general crew sentiment that replicator rations are to be far preferred to Mr. Neelix's catering, though the Bolian crew members whom we surveyed actually seemed to like the taste of leola root.

Suggested points for development:

• fewer species-specific dishes (people are getting a bit tired of gagh and blood pie);
• more comfort food, including ice cream and cheeseburgers;
• improve the hall decor to take crew minds off the food; and
• allocate one crew member each evening to cook an alternate dish, providing more choice to the crew.

Supplies

Usually kept well-stocked, at least within the limitations imposed on Mr. Neelix by intermittent planetary forages.

Suggested points for development:

• throw out all leola root;
• place more emphasis on searching for caffeine- and cocoa- based materials on forage; and
• stop bringing parasites, infections and other ship-crippling biologicals on board.

We and Mr. Neelix rejected two suggestions to ignore caffeinated beverages for the purpose of counting replicator rations.

We hope that this is what you wanted.

Azan and Rebi

Sam,

We've been asking around the lower decks for things that you ought to be asking the Captain. Here's the top 10, in no particular order.

1. Why do you let Chakotay fly shuttles when he demonstrates an unerring ability to hit planets?
2. How come you and Chakotay haven't got it together yet?
3. When's your best guess at getting us home?
4. Why don't we fire first at other ships now and again?
5. What's with the barman in Fair Haven? How often have you got a quoit over his pole?
6. Why haven't you thrown Seven of Nine in the brig yet?
   [No prizes for guessing that this came from Engineering]
7. Does Chakotay have any other tattoos?
8. Why isn't Harry a Lieutenant yet?
   [OK, that was Jen]
9. What really happened on that monkey-infested planet?
10. What do you two do in the Captain's ready-room when we're not watching?

You're morally obliged to use as many of these as you can, you know. But you can blame us if things get sticky. Just make sure that the Captain doesn't have a phaser rifle handy.

Malicia and Demonica

Captain,

I have just had my performance review with Crewman Wildman. Would I be correct in thinking that this was a plan on your part to get me to "lighten up"?

No doubt you will soon be receiving my report from Crewman Wildman. Please note where I have expressed my disagreement with some of the review actions.

In an unrelated matter, I have been considering starting up a part-time set of Starfleet Academy courses for the junior members of the crew (in which category I include Mr. Neelix). I feel that the discipline involved in such courses would greatly benefit them.

Tuvok

Thanks girls, you're towers of strength. Remind me to speak to you someday, in a year or three.

Sam

Glad to see that your deductive skills are on form, Tuvok.

I have Naomi's report here in front of me. It's quite instructive. Any thoughts on how you're going to address the issues of "enjoying yourself more", "better recreational use of the Holodeck" or "appreciation of chocolate"?

Though I think she was trying it on a bit with "exploring emotional comfort of stuffed toys" or "practical K'tarian dressmaking". Never let it be said that I'm unreasonable.

Janeway

Tom,

If you can arrange to crash a shuttle into Cargo Bay 2 some time in the next couple of days, you can consider the slate wiped clean. Failing that, booby-trap the Astrometrics console and you might be able to get both of them in one go.

B'Elanna
Bitter, but not Twisted

Neelix has managed to smuggle a PADD into here for me, so at least I can communicate with the outside world. I'm afraid I won't be able to make dinner tonight, or probably any time in the next twenty years, due to a slight incarceration problem.

Memo to all crew: there are some things the Captain just doesn't have a sense of humour about.

Memo to self: never again listen to any advice from a Delaney or a Maquis Commander.

Memo to Naomi: Neelix is looking after you tonight, and possibly up to your 18th birthday.

Memo to Neelix: By God, you owe me for this.

Memo to Chakotay: GET ME OUT OF HERE, YOU RAT-SCHEMING BASTARD.

Sam

Captain,

As requested, here are the results of Lt. Torres' performance review.

Management of crew

Engineering appears to be run relatively efficiently. Seven of Nine's recent efficiency analysis confirms this. Lt. Torres maintains an effective command over Engineering. To determine this I took a survey of the deparment, with each crew member their respect for and fear of the Lt. on a scale of 1-10 for each. The median response was 7 for respect and 9 for fear. I have informally correlated this to "would follow her off a small cliff above deep water" and "incoherently terrified", respectively.

Maintenance record

This is a major area of concern. The following incidents are a representative sample:

1. Two warp core ejections in six years, 30% greater than the reported Starfleet norm
2. Several severe Holodeck malfunctions involving threats to life or to functioning of Voyager
3. Repeated compromise of Engineering security by practically any alien coming on board

Suggested points for development:

• Engineering crew to be briefed to stun any alien who is present in Engineering without the express permission of Captain Janeway
• Hardwiring the Holodeck safety systems on

Technological Innovation

The only major technological innovations in the ship's systems during the past six years have been due to Seven of Nine, despite the wide variety of species and technologies encountered by Voyager. This is an area in which Lt. Torres should aim to progress. I would be willing to assist her in this.

Icheb

Seven,

As requested, a situational update:

Captain Janeway

In ready room. Claw marks likely on the furnishings. Steam observed coming underneath the door.

Commander Chakotay

In his chair. Studiously avoiding any glance towards Captain's ready room. Noticeably paler than normal.

Sam Wildman

In brig. Likely to remain there.

The Delaney sisters

Outside brig, trying their wiles on Ensign Ayala, presumably to get Sam Wildman sprung.

Ensign Ayala

Presumably trying hard to think about cold showers, physical exercise, and what the Captain would do to his intestines if he gave in.

Icheb

Gone to find you. He had some interesting questions which I thought you'd be better placed to answer.

The Borgettes and Naomi Wildman

Location unknown. Jeffries tubes suspected, judging by some of the sounds I've heard from the bridge walls.

Neelix

Conducting extensive inventory of stores in farthest corners of the ship.

Tuvok

At Security console, looking as worried as is possible for a Vulcan.

Appraisals day

Could stand some improvement.

Any suggestions?

Harry

Kathryn,

It was I. You've probably guessed this by now.

If I come in there, will I get mauled?

Chakotay

Commander Tuvok,

One of your staff -- doctor-patient confidentiality precludes me from giving his or her identity -- has just come to me, asking for bromide pills so that they can "better tolerate the rigours of duty." I must express my strongest concern that you are placing crew members in posts that require such medication, which is far from free of side effects.

If you've really no alternative to such postings, might I suggest doubling the severity of the standard Security daily workout, and optionally decorating the walls of the duty station with pictures of naked Bolians. Unless, of course, the crew member concerned happens to be Ensign Chell.

Besides, if half of Voyager's crew are medicated to the point of immunity to the other sex, how am I ever going to practise my considerable childbirth management skills?

The Doctor

Come and find out. It's time that you had your performance reviewed, and that's not a job I'm going to leave to Mezoti this time.

Kathryn

Hi Seven,

We've been doing some research into the properties of acoustic propagation throughout the ship; Icheb told us where to take the measurements. He said that you'd be able to help us with working out the details.

Azan thinks that there's a problem with thermal expansion in Deck 9 Section 12, and suggests that you send Lt. Torres a copy of the recording so that she can locate and suppress the persistent knocking.

The kids

Captain,

You will no doubt be glad to hear that Commander Chakotay will be fit for duty by his next shift. The chest pains were due to excessive muscle strain, not to any form of cardiac emergency. I have already advised the Commander to do some gentle warming up before he next attempts such activity; he is not as young as he once was.

I would also advise you to drop the temperature in your ready room before attempting such a drastic furniture re-arrangement. That Commander Chakotay found it necessary to be half-clothed, and yet still was on the border of heat exhaustion, suggests that you were making him work far too hard in a hot and probably humid environment.

However, the silver lining to all this is that it has reminded me that you are due for your 6-monthly checkup. Commander Chakotay has advised me that your schedule for the next week is abnormally busy, so please could you come down to Sickbay at your earliest convenience this evening. Without wishing to sound threatening, I have already discussed with Mr. Neelix the dangers of allowing a woman of your age to consume high levels of caffeine when the state of her cardiac and digestive systems is unknown.

The Doctor

Tuvok, old friend;

Please come around to my quarters as soon as you get this message. I've just been to see the Doctor, and we may have a problem...

Kathryn