EscaPADDes

People,

An update on our progress with the trade negotiations. After four days of flight, Commander Tuvok, Mr. Neelix and I have made initial contact with the Kalamansi, with promising results, and are now headed out to meet with the Lansones clan chiefs. We anticipate the negotiations lasting another 5-8 days, and should make our rendezvous with Voyager on time.

The Delta Flyer is holding together well, though I'm starting to agree with some of Ensign Jenkins' comments about its suitability for long-term missions. Mr. Paris, we're going to have words about the bathroom facilities when I get back.

We've been having problems establishing a communications chain this far away from Voyager, so please keep mail sizes to a minimum. I don't want to spend an hour downloading another 1.9 Gb of holodata just to find that it's the proposed menu for the Engineering all-crew dinner, featuring dancing gel-packs and spinning wrenches as decoration. If that happens again, you'll wish that B'Elanna had got to you before I did.

Looking forward to seeing you all when we get back.

Janeway

So what are you doing with my ship then, Chakotay? Any problems? Is the mining expedition ready to go?

Kathryn

Everything's OK at this end, Kathryn. Seven has identified the asteroids we want, and the ensigns from Engineering are going around the ship shanghai-ing anyone who's ever worn a zero-G vacuum suit. Tom Paris has taken to singing some strange song that mainly features the words "Hi-ho". I decided not to ask.

How are you enjoying your vacation? I can't tell you how much I envy you, getting away from all the distractions of Voyager and being able to spend so much quality time with Tuvok and Neelix. I can't think of anything I'd rather do.

Well, maybe plucking my nose hair with a pair of pliers would have a slight edge.

Chakotay

Very funny, Commander. Remind me, just how did you persuade me to make this sort of sacrifice for the ship?

Four days of this, and I can feel myself being driven slowly insane. Not only can I not have a bath, there is also no way to dry my hair short of sticking my head into the engine ducts, Neelix unforgivably forgot to pack more than a two day supply of coffee, and I forgot to pack more than a four day supply of underwear. If we make it back with all three of us unmaimed, it'll be remarkable, and I won't be coming out of my bath for a week.

Kathryn

Kathryn,

If I recall correctly (and I do, because I have the supplies manifest in front of me), Neelix correctly packed a two week supply of coffee. Unfortunately, the Starfleet supplies calculator assumes that the rate of consumption is limited by caffeine's toxicity to humans. Obviously the program author never met you!

It's not all roses over here, though. I can report that B'Elanna makes a wonderful 2-ic as long as you don't mind her extending her reign of terror to the entire ship rather than just her engineers. There are definitely many more nervous tics on faces now than a week ago. Crewman White asked for help in sorting out a romantic entanglement with Crewman Dalby. B'Elanna's idea of helpful counselling -- well, let's just say that she takes the direct approach to problem-solving. The Doctor and I managed to coax Crewman White out from her Jeffries tube after half an hour, and we're fairly confident that Dalby will be able to move around the ship again without severe personal embarrassment within a couple of days. The Doctor was unusually lenient in not placing an official reprimand on B'Elanna for illegal prescription of medications. I think it was an unofficial thank-you for a remarkable spicing-up of the Voyager gossip network.

Starfleet's going to go near-bankrupt when we get back and they have to start paying the crew's therapist fees. Yours too, by the sound of it.

Chakotay

You can't evade the question that easily, Commander. I'm sure that I don't recall signing the PADD that approved this mission and its crew. And I can't help but notice that the new Voyager command team is now two-thirds Maquis and one third ex-convicts. Now, call me paranoid, but after recent events I think I deserve an explanation.

Kathryn

After all this time, Kathryn, you still think I might covet your job? Don't you remember the Legend of the Angry Warrior?

And now, of course, you've got a steady stream of paperwork coming from Starfleet HQ. All those reports that you've not had to fill out for the past six years catching up with you... Exempting the intervention of insane Vedeks, I wouldn't take command of Voyager even if you paid me ten times my current salary.

Oh wait, that's still zero. Anyway, you know what I mean. If we're ever to get back to the Alpha Quadrant, we need a Captain who's just the right side of the sane / insane border. I just don't cut the mustard in that respect. You, by contrast, use a combine harvester.

Chakotay
--
"He is the best of men who dislikes power." -- Mohammed

I won't ask you which side of that border I sit, if only because I can't bear the idea of all the hassle needed to select a new first officer and avoid homicide charges from Tuvok.

You know, Chakotay, five years ago I wouldn't have trusted you with a single one of my crew. Today I find that I've given you total command of my ship with my blessing. How, exactly, did you manage this?

Kathryn

I'd like to ascribe it to five years of patient, selfless serving of my Captain, slowly building a solid foundation of trust. Giving her my time, lending her my books, having her steal my replicator rations, and never minding because the friendship we shared was worth ten times the pain I had to endure.

Sadly I fear that it had a lot more to do with you not paying attention to the posted mission schedules, not being willing to admit to paying no attention when you finally found out about it, and then a chance remark at the right time about your imminent doctor's appointment probably swung it for you.

Talking of the Doctor: what, exactly, are you afraid of? He wouldn't dare do anything to cause you pain. You know the access password for his program, after all.

Chakotay

Afraid, Chakotay? Starfleet Captains do not know fear. You should have realised that by now, Chakotay. I'd have thought that the episode with the Tribbles and your replicator would have clued you in.

Kathryn

I'd seen the signs, but had up to now put them down to simple insanity. Still, if you claim that it's fearlessness then who am I to argue? And don't think that I didn't recognise your hand in the Tribble incident. While six or seven of the crew had the technical expertise to rig up the replicator like that, only you would have had the audacity to charge the replicator rations to my account. And then whine at me the next day when I failed to produce your usual afternoon coffee.

I still punished Tom Paris for it, of course. Let's face it, he'd have tried a prank like that if only he'd thought of it. So he was guilty by probable intent. And it stopped the speculation among the security detail about who might be responsible. Yet another slide into indiscipline and anarchy avoided by the heroic yet ill-used Commander...

Besides, you're the one who will be spending the next week in close confinement with Tuvok and Neelix for company, so I daren't suggest any motive for this other than raw courage. How are you three getting on?

Chakotay

Tuvok is attempting to teach Neelix to meditate. I can recommend it as a spectator sport. A less worthy friend to Tuvok than I might attribute this to a desperate attempt to make Neelix shut up. You'll never believe what he's been trying to make Tuvok do...

Kathryn

Please share! Last I heard, he was trying to "celebrate Vulcan cultural achievements". Spirits only know what he meant by that. Although, Vorik has been looking unusually nervous recently. Up until now I'd just put it down to Joe Carey's bachelor party.

Chakotay

You never did tell me what happened there.

Kathryn

You're right I didn't. The way I figure it, whatever you do to me for not telling can't be any worse than what will happen if I do tell. Don't say that you've gone this many years without understanding this Rule of Guys...

Are you missing Voyager yet?

Chakotay

Come now, Chakotay. Don't shut us out of something and then pretend surprise when we want to find out what goes on behind the doors.

The way I figure it, all the rumors that come out about alcohol, oddly-shaped women in varying amounts of uncomfortable clothing, over-spiced semi-toxic food and tuneless singing are just a smokescreen. I think that you men spend that time sitting around, holding hands and sharing your deepest feelings.

Only the sex.

Kathryn

Excuse me?!

Is there something going on between you and I that I've somehow missed? I'm almost certain that I'd remember us having sex. At least you seem to remember it, that's something. It would be just too humiliating if I remembered it and you didn't.

Chakotay

What makes you think that you were involved, Commander? Last I heard, there were 130 other people on Voyager with at least three separate genders.

[That reminds me -- who does the crew count these days? I've never seen the headcount be the same value for two consecutive weeks since we left the Array. Doesn't someone need pulling up for doing a poor job, and isn't that pulling-up your job?]

Kathryn

Ashmore was using a grep of the day's system logs to count the active crew members. Unfortunately it didn't occur to him that:

1. the shift system means that you won't see some crew members for a whole day, and
2. some crew members don't have names in the ISO-8859-1 character set, so his grep missed them entirely.

B'Elanna assures me that she's since straightened him out. I didn't ask precisely what she meant by that.

Going through the senior staff's romantic lives I found:

• Tom and B'Elanna -- very taken;
• Harry -- way too young, and it would practically be incest anyway given how he thinks of you;
• Tuvok -- taken and way too old;
• Neelix -- oh please;
• Seven -- doesn't know how, at least last time I checked.

So what gives?

Chakotay

You should have been able to throw out Tuvok and Neelix from your suspect list much earlier, given that they're on this vessel too. If I was lusting after either (or both) of them then this trip would be a positive orgy.

Halfway through an unspeakably tedious negotiation today, I suddenly realised that I was really horny. I'd spent two hours having some fascinating daydreams and not paid a blind bit of notice to what the Okaran delegate was saying. For all I know, he thinks we've agreed to sell him Neelix as a house pet.

You'll be glad to hear that this isn't normal for me. If you see a slightly unfocused look in my eyes at the next senior staff meeting it's only due to imminent death from boredom, not any other form of death (no matter what size). It must be something about being away from someone's influence in Voyager.

Kathryn

Thank you so much for the image of a Tuvok-Kathryn-Neelix orgy in the cockpit of the Delta Flyer. I've just added myself to the top of the waiting list for therapy. You're paying. And I'll never look at you in staff meetings in the same way again.

Re Neelix, selling him on would be a problem because...?

Chakotay

You might find Neelix's absence a problem because you'd be solely responsible for crew morale, and I'd end up ordering you to organise a talent night.

And don't think that I've missed the way that you look at me in staff meetings already, Mister.

I'm disappointed in you Chakotay -- you didn't ask about the daydreams. Isn't the job of a first officer to know his Captain better than she does herself? How are you supposed to do that if you don't know what goes on in my mind?

Kathryn

Talent night? I don't see why that would be a problem. You'd be amazed what secret talents the senior staff have, and more amazed about which of them aren't a secret to me.

You're clearly desperate for me to ask about your daydreams, which makes me equally desperate not to know. In my experience, finding out what goes on in your mind is inevitably a bad move for all concerned.

Chakotay
--
A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance.
-- Stanislaw Lem

I would? Try me.

Kathryn

Well, let's start at the top. We could have a whole night of entertainment without the Captain leaving the stage.

Chakotay
--
It's not easy to play the clown when you've got to run the whole circus.

What would she be doing, a ritual disembowellment of her first officer? Stuffing live weasels down his pants?

And where are all these quotes coming from?

Kathryn

I was thinking more along the lines of a ballet recital, but let's not shut out any options. After today's lunch from Ensign Chell, having my guts ripped out seems like a act of humanity.

The quotes came from a clean-out of the Engineering database. Joe Carey found that one of the crewmen was keeping a simulation of an ancient Earth operating system running on one of the backup environmental sensors. B'Elanna insisted that he delete it (she made several other recommendations, involving significant anatomical rearrangements for the crewman concerned) but Joe pulled out some text files for personal interest; some of them had a collection of 19th - 21st Century Earth quotations. Why? Your guess is as good as mine. But considering the amazing range of crap that litters our data banks at the best of times, we shouldn't judge our ancestors too harshly.

Just think what they'd make of Tom Paris's holoprograms...

Let's get back to those daydreams. You were endangering the success of the trade expedition for the sake of intimate personal gratification?

Chakotay
--
"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"
-- The Doctor

People,

The first stages of the trade treaty with the Lansones have been negotiated, bearing us reasonable fruit, and we're now on our way to negotiate mining rights with their Arcturus Belt asteroid mining conglomerate. Mr. Neelix has been invaluable with his insights into Lansones culture, and Commander Tuvok has proven the value of logical argument in financial negotiations. I think that by the end of yesterday the Lansones chief negotiator would rather have sold her husbands at auction than spend another five minutes being convinced by Tuvok that she should give us money for taking large quantities of minerals off their hands.

Thank you all for cutting down on the spam that's circulated out to the Delta Flyer. Only about five percent of the mail we've received over the past few days has been deleted-on-sight, and half of those were Commander Chakotay's status reports. [Kidding, Commander!]

A Captain's top tip for those situations when you're stranded far from civilisation and short of replicator rations: you can obtain a perfectly serviceable cup of coffee by getting down on your knees and begging the Lansonses negotiator's husband for one. Make sure that you do this after the contract. has been signed.

Oh and Tom: if you want things to stay hidden in the Flyer, you ought to hide them a little better...

Janeway

Endangering the trade mission for the sake of my own happiness, Commander? What do you take me for?

Of course I was. Where's the fun in behaving well all the time? I've an example to set for the crew, but no-one ever told me that I had to be a good example. And after all, with my first officer being a wanted criminal I can do pretty well anything I want and still look respectable.

Not that I think that being a dangerous fugitive is necessarily a bad thing.

Kathryn

Thank the Great Spirit for that. I was starting to fear that all those days closeted with Tuvok and Neelix (those two names together still cause me to shiver) was making you lose your sense of proportion.

Chakotay
--
The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with them while they do it.
-- Theodore Roosevelt

Believe me, proportion is near the top of my priorities. After size, that is.

Out of idle curiosity, what's the security like on this comm link?

Kathryn

My spies in Engineering tell me that only our esteemed Security Officer and Chief Engineer have the technical know-how to circumvent the encryption on the Voyager and Flyer key servers. Which means that there's a real danger of Tom Paris getting access to the mails, except that B'Elanna wouldn't let him near mail to or from you. For some strange reason she seems to respect you. Go figure.

The link itself should be proof against tapping by any organisation with computing resources less than three levels higher than Starfleet. The Devore or Borg might be able to manage it, but the Kazon and Hirogen won't stand a chance. So all you have to worry about is Tuvok running a diagnostic on your mail server. Or Neelix reading over your shoulder...

And you can't fool me, Kathryn, so you should stop trying. You've never been idly curious in your life. Suicidally curious, yes; homicidally curious, yes; but never idly curious.

Chakotay
--
"... gentlemen do not read each other's mail."
-- Secretary of State Henry Stimson, on closing down the Black Chamber, the precursor to the National Security Agency.

The Devore, eh? I'd almost forgotten about them. Clearly you haven't. Are you an inveterate anthropologist, Chakotay, or was there something about the Devore that really stuck in your mind?

Don't worry, I know the answer already. In fact, I think it's rather cute how you get so protective.

Kathryn

Who are you, and what have you done with my captain?

Tuvok, if this is another attempt to gain enough blackmail material to extort that holosequence out of me, you're going to have to try a lot harder than this...

Chakotay

If I really were Tuvok, Chakotay, I wouldn't know anything about how your underwear ended up in the Captain's bedside cabinet.

I suppose that in return I ought to pretend that I think you might be Tom, but of course I know that he'd be praying to all the gods he believes in that I won't say anything to B'Elanna about what I've discovered under the co-pilot's seat.

Kathryn

You didn't have to steal my unwashed clothes, Kathryn. I'd have happily loaned you a clean pair. That way you could have nailed them to the bulkhead (or whatever you wanted to do with them, I really don't want to know the sordid details) without stinking out your quarters.

I'm almost sure that it's against Starfleet regulations to call your first officer "cute". If it isn't, it should be. Please tell me why I let you do this? You pin me to my seat with one blood-red finger nail, make me squirm like a worm on a fishing hook, and I go right on begging you to do it again. I need help.

You're not going to tell me about what you found under that seat, are you? [That was a rhetorical question.]

Chakotay
--
"It's a dog-eat-dog universe, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."

If we're going to talk about tormenting junior officers, Chakotay, then let's bring up that little talk you had with Harry after his first encounter with Seven.

Hold on, what was that sound?

Ah yes, as I thought. It was the tinkle of broken glass as a dark-haired tattooed muscular gentleman threw a brick through the ceiling of his glass house.

Why do you let me use you so badly? I've often asked myself the same question. Of course, I know why I do it to you. It's because you let me, and because I can't help myself.

Kathryn

That's an easy one. I love you.

Chakotay

Kathryn?

I'm here, Chakotay. Just give me a minute...

Okay. Now I can breathe, at least a little. You have no idea what I just went through. I was sitting at Tactical when your message came through. Neelix was up in the front of the Flyer with Tuvok; both had their backs to me, which is the only reason that they didn't find out there and then what had happened.

Where did this come from? Was this a Maquis tactic that worked well for you, ambushing targets like this?

Kathryn

Kathryn,

It's a surprise to me that it's a surprise to you. It's not as if it hasn't been obvious to the whole crew of Voyager that I'm helplessly smitten with you.

Two hours after I flew my ship into the Kazon vessel I saw you standing on the bridge, hands at your waist and your eyes fixed on the way home. At that moment I fell in love with you, and every day since I've fallen that little bit further.

All the moments of togetherness that we've had, every time that you purred my name, the way that you smile like a sunrise, even our (few but savage) confrontations; each one has pulled me deeper into you. I couldn't help it, and I never wanted to help it.

[You recall, of course, that ambush is a tactic that's best used on targets who have a far superior firepower...]

Ever yours,

Chakotay

Why now? Why this way? We spend six years together, and the time you pick is when we're light years apart? What's wrong with your sense of timing, Chakotay?

Kathryn

Why now? Maybe distance makes this easier. There have been times before when I've almost said this to you -- then either something happens to distract you or, worse, you turn that gaze on me and I feel those big, beautiful eyes emptying me of all the eloquence and courage that I'd mustered. So I mumble something about checking on Engineering and beat a dignified retreat.

For the past six years it's felt like I've been banging my head against a stone wall. Sometimes a stone is knocked out, and for a glorious moment I think I'm getting somewhere, but then the rest of the stones fall into the gap and I'm back to square one.

Suddenly, the mails from you on this trip have been full of the openness, passion and fire that you've only shown me on rare moments before. I could have let this pass, but would have hated myself forever for giving up the chance to tell you how I feel.

Chakotay

I understand, I think. You're right, of course; ever since the Angry Warrior I've understood how you felt. I've admired you for the strength you've shown in carrying a love that could never be shown, and for the way you've respected me as a Captain without letting your feelings for the woman get in the way. You're a remarkable man, Chakotay. As the weeks go by I see more and more of this side of you. It humbles me, which may be no bad thing. [My mom would agree, that's for sure.]

Kathryn

Patience is something that comes easily to me, Kathryn. This voyage has just been a prolonged stretching of my limits of patience. Sometimes life has pushed me beyond those limits, and I've snapped, but each time it's hurt me and I've spent a long time putting myself back together. The hardest-learned lessons are the ones which stay with you.

Not wanting to pressure you, but now that I've opened up to what I feel about you, I wonder whether you might be willing to tell me how you feel about me.

Chakotay

I don't know, Chakotay. My heart tells me one thing, my head another. I'm afraid that if I let my heart rule then my ship and crew will suffer for it. Out here, I can't let that happen. If my head rules, then only two of us would suffer. And though I feel your pain as if it were my own, it's our job to protect the crew at our own cost.

Kathryn

Are you saying that you don't love me, or that you can't love me? I would understand both of these, but I pray that you'll tell me which it is.

Chakotay

I can't let myself love you, Chakotay. And believe me, it's not an easy thing to hold back. Each morning on the bridge when I come out of the lift and see you sitting there in the command chair, I have to battle to stop myself tackling you out of the chair and onto the ground, pulling kisses from your lips, tearing off your clothes and impaling myself on you in a frenzy of lust. I wouldn't care if the entire bridge crew saw it -- in fact, I'd do it on the front lawn at Starfleet HQ in front of every officer above the rank of Rear-Admiral.

The only thing stopping me from ordering you to my ready-room, ordering you to pull your pants off and then ordering you to bang me until my screams rend subspace is that there's no way that we could lead the ship together afterwards. And if there's one thing that the past six years have taught us, it's that without both of us working together we have no chance of bringing our crew home.

Kathryn

I understand, Kathryn. And it's okay; I'm really glad that it's not just me who has fantasies of wild, passionate sex with a senior officer in front of the crew. [And I'm not counting Tom and B'Elanna in this.]

Of course, for me the bridge doesn't really do it. I was thinking more along the lines of lying on a rug in front of the warp core, watching the blue light glint in your eyes and flicker across your breasts as we devour each other.

At your orders, always;

Chakotay

You're daring me to do it, aren't you Chakotay? I repeat my earlier accusations of your villany, with knobs on.

Of course, now that I think about it, although it would be unethical to use one's command privilege to force an officer to do something immoral, there's no regulation I can remember against requesting an officer to do something immoral. If he's willing, there's no problem. As long as the running of the ship isn't affected, of course.

Could you do that, Chakotay? Could you discover parts of me that you never knew existed? Would you chase me all over my ready room, knock me to the floor and eat me alive? Would you talk dirty to me over the PADD link? Could you see me naked in front of you, hear me scream your name as you bring me over the edge of delirium, then sit across the table from me in a staff meeting and betray nothing? Could you do this for the next thirty, forty years?

Kathryn

If you so order me, Captain, I will; willingly and gratefully I'd keep the secret, if it meant that we could spend that time together. I'd live the lie for a thousand days in exchange for one night with you. I love you, and that by itself is answer enough.

Chakotay

I love you, Chakotay, and I should have said that a long time ago. Forgive me for the time that I've wasted. Don't let us waste any more. But don't let anyone else find out...

Always yours, to have and to hold, from this day forward.

Kathryn

We're six hours out from the rendezvous with Voyager, and should be able to dock at around 13:20 hours, half an hour ahead of schedule thanks to some deft navigation by Mr. Tuvok. I'm pleased to report that the mission has been a near-complete success.

I will be holding a senior officers' briefing at 18:00 hours.

Commander Chakotay is to report to my ready room upon my arrival. Mr. Tuvok will have the bridge until further notice.

Janeway