Air goes in and out, blood goes round and round. Any variation on this is a bad thing. -- Rules for EMS practitioners to live by % If a child is quiet, be scared. -- Rules for EMS practitioners to live by % There is a direct electrical connection between the telephone of an EMS practitioner and his kettle or microwave. -- Rules for EMS practitioners to live by % The amount of equipment on an EMT's belt varies inversely with experience. -- Rules for EMS practitioners to live by % If it's wet, sticky and not yours then LEAVE IT ALONE! -- Rules for EMS practitioners to live by % The probability of a casualty having an unstable C-spine injury is trebled by finding them walking around unharmed at the scene. -- Rules for EMS practitioners to live by % If all else fails, firemen make excellent drip stands. -- Rules for EMS practitioners to live by % Phrases to scare you: "I don't want to be any trouble but..." -- Rules for EMS practitioners to live by % If a casualty apologises for calling you out, they are to be assumed to be on the verge of death until proven otherwise. They have only called you because they can't focus on their car dashboard well enough to drive to the hospital. -- Rules for EMS practitioners to live by % The probability of having to resuscitate a casualty increases for each of the following which holds: 1. They've had a recent meal of anchovy pizza and garlic 2. This meal was washed down with copious amounts of beer 3. They have just vomited 4. You've left your BVM back at the squadhouse. -- Rules for EMS practitioners to live by % THE PARAMEDICAL LAWS OF TIME: 1. There is absolutely no relationship between the time at which you're supposed to get off shift and the time at which you actually will get off shift. 2. Given the following equation: T + 1 Minute = Relief Time "T" will always be the time of the last call of your shift e.g. if you are supposed to get off shift at 1900, your last run will come in at 1859. % THE PARAMEDICAL LAW OF GRAVITY: Any instrument, when dropped, will always come to rest in the least accessible place possible. % THE PARAMEDICAL LAW OF TIME AND DISTANCE: The distance of the call from the Hospital increases as the time to shift change decreases. COROLLARY 1: The shortest distance between the station and the scene is under construction. % THE PARAMEDICAL RULE OF RANDOM SIMULTANEITY: Emergency calls will randomly come in all at once. % THE RULE OF RESPIRATORY ARREST: All patients for whom Mouth-to-Mouth Resuscitation must be provided will have just completed a large meal of Barbecued Onions, Garlic Pizza, and Pickled Herring, which was washed down with at least three cans of Beer. % THE AXIOM OF LATE-NIGHT RUNS: If you respond to any Motor Vehicle Accident call after Midnight and do not find a drunk on the scene, keep looking -- somebody is still missing. % THE LAW OF OPTIONS: Any patient, when given the option of either going to Jail or going to the Hospital by a Police Officer, will always be inside the Ambulance before you are. COROLLARY 1 -- Any patient who chooses to go to Jail instead of the Hospital probably knows your driver. % THE FIRST RULE OF EQUIPMENT: Any piece of Lifesaving Equipment will never malfunction or fail until: a) You need it to save a life, or b) The salesman leaves. % THE SECOND RULE OF EQUIPMENT: Interchangeable parts don't, leakproof seals will, and self-starters won't. % THE FIRST LAW OF AMBULANCE DRIVING: No matter how fast you drive the Ambulance when responding to a call, it will never be fast enough, unless you pass a Police Cruiser, at which point it will be entirely too fast. % PARAMEDICAL RULES OF THE BATHROOM: 1. If a call is received between 0500 and 0700, the location of the call will always be in a Bathroom. 2. If you have just gone to the Bathroom, no call will be received. 3. If you have not just gone to the Bathroom, you will soon regret it. 4. The probability of receiving a run increases proportionally to the time elapsed since last going to the Bathroom. % THE BASIC PRINCIPLE FOR DISPATCHERS: Assume that all field personnel are idiots until their actions prove your assumption. % BASIC ASSUMPTION ABOUT DISPATCHERS: Given the opportunity, any Dispatcher will be only too happy to tell you where to go, regardless of whether or not (s)he actually knows where that may be. COROLLARY 1 -- The existence or nonexistence of any given location is of only minor importance to a Dispatcher. COROLLARY 2 -- Any street designated as a "Cross-street" by a Dispatcher probably isn't. COROLLARY 3 -- If a street name CAN be mispronounced, a Dispatcher WILL mispronounce it. COROLLARY 4 -- If a street name CANNOT be mispronounced, a Dispatcher WILL mispronounce it. COROLLARY 5 -- A Dispatcher will always refer to a given location in the most obscure manner as possible e.g. "Stumpy Brown's Cabbage Field" is now covered by a shopping center. % THE FIRST PRINCIPLE OF TRIAGE: In any accident, the degree of injury suffered by a patient is inversely proportional to the amount and volume of agonized screaming produced by that patient. % THE GROSS INJURY RULE: Any injury, the sight of which makes you sick, should immediately be covered by 4x4s and Kerlix. % THE RULE OF FUNDING AND DONATIONS: All Funding and Donations are received in amounts which are inversely proportional to need. % THE FIRST LAW OF EMS SUPERVISORS: Given the equation: X - Y = Quality of Care where "X" is the care that you render and "Y" is the assistance supplied by any Supervisor. If you can eliminate "Y" from the equation, the Quality of Care will improve to "X". COROLLARY 1 -- Generally, Field Supervisors have no business in the Field. COROLLARY 2 -- The level of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management. COROLLARY 3 -- Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand. % THE LAW OF PROTOCOL DIRECTIVES: The simplest Protocol Directive will be worded in the most obscure and complicated manner possible. Speeds, for example, will be expressed as "Furlongs per Fortnight" and flow rates as "Hogsheads per Hour". COROLLARY 1 -- If you don't understand it, it must be intuitively obvious. COROLLARY 2 -- If you can understand it, you probably don't. % THE LAW OF EMS EDUCATORS: Those who can't do, teach. % THE LAW OF EMS EVALUATORS: Those who can neither do nor teach, evaluate. % THE PARAMEDICAL LAW OF LIGHT: As the seriousness of any given injury increases, the availability of light to examine that injury decreases. % THE PARAMEDICAL LAW OF SPACE: The amount of space which is needed to work on a patient varies inversely with the amount of space which is available to work on that patient. % THE PARAMEDICAL THEORY OF RELATIVITY: The number of distraught and uncooperative relatives surrounding any given patient varies exponentially with the seriousness of the patient's illness or injury. % THE PARAMEDICAL THEORY OF WEIGHT: The weight of the patient that you are about to transport increases by the square of the sum of the number of floors which must be ascended to reach the patient plus the number of floors which must be descended while carrying the patient. COROLLARY 1 -- Very heavy patients tend to gravitate toward locations which are furthest from mean sea level. COROLLARY 2 -- If the patient is heavy, the elevator is broken, and the lights in the stairwell are out. % THE RULES OF NO-TRANSPORT: 1. A Life-or-Death situation will immediately be created by driving away from the home of patient whom you have just advised to go to the hospital in a private vehicle. 2. The seriousness of this situation will increase as the date of your trial approaches. 3. By the time your ex-patient reaches the witness stand, the Jury will wonder how a patient in such terrible condition could have possibly walked to the door and greeted you with a large suitcase in each hand. % THE FIRST RULE OF BYSTANDERS: Any bystander who offers you help will give you none. % THE SECOND RULE OF BYSTANDERS: Always assume that any Physician found at the scene of an emergency is a Gynecologist, until proven otherwise. COROLLARY 1 -- NEVER turn your back on a Proctologist. % THE RULE OF WARNING DEVICES: Any Ambulance, whether it is responding to a call or traveling to a Hospital, with Lights and Siren, will be totally ignored by all motorists, pedestrians, and dogs which may be found in or near the roads along its route. COROLLARY 1 -- Ambulance Sirens can cause acute and total, but transient, deafness. COROLLARY 2 -- Ambulance Lights can cause acute and total, but transient, blindness. NOTE: This Rule does not apply in New York, where all pedestrians and motorists are apparently oblivious to any and all traffic laws. % THE LAW OF SHOW-AND-TELL: A virtually infinite number of wide-eyed and inquisitive school-aged children can climb into the back of any Ambulance, and, given the opportunity, invariably will. COROLLARY 1 -- No emergency run will come in until they are all inside the Ambulance and playing with the equipment. COROLLARY 2 -- It will take at least four times as long to get them all out as it took to get them in. COROLLARY 3 -- A vital piece of equipment will be missing. % THE RULE OF ROOKIES: The true value of any rookie EMT, when expressed numerically, will always be a negative number. The value of this number may be found by simply having the rookie grade his or her ability on a scale from 1 to 10. For rookie EMTs in the back of the vehicle: 1 = Certified Health Hazard 10 = Member, ACEP And, for rookie EMTs driving the vehicle: 1 = Obstruction to Navigation 10 = Mario Andretti. The true value of the rookie is then found by simply negating the rookie's self-assigned value. COROLLARY 1 -- Treat any rookie EMT assigned to your Unit as you would a Bystander. (See The First Rule of Bystanders.) % THE RULE OF RULES: As soon as an EMS Rule is accepted as absolute, an exception to that Rule will immediately occur. % You might work in an ER if... You believe that 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm. % You might work in an ER if... Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you. % You might work in an ER if... You believe a good tape job will fix anything. % You might work in an ER if... You have the bladder capacity of five people. % You might work in an ER if... You can identify the positive teeth to tattoo ratio. % You might work in an ER if... Your idea of a good time is a full arrest at shift change. % You might work in an ER if... You find humor in other people's stupidity. % You might work in an ER if... You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac. % You might work in an ER if... You disbelieve 90% of what you are told and 75% of what you see. % You might work in an ER if... You have your weekends off planned for a year in advance. % You might work in an ER if... You automatically assume the patient is a drug seeker when presented with the complaint of migraine, lower back pain, chronic myalgia (choose one of the above), a list of numerous allergies to meds (except Demerol), and the statement that the family doctor is from out of town. % You might work in an ER if... Your idea of comforting a child includes placing them in a papoose restraint. % You might work in an ER if... You encourage an obnoxious patient to sign out AMA so you don't have to deal with them any longer. % You might work in an ER if... You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be a recognized diagnosis. % You might work in an ER if... You have discovered a new condition that you call "hypo-xanax-emia". % You might work in an ER if... You believe that the government should require a permit to reproduce. % You might work in an ER if... You debate which is worse, spaghetti and meatballs or pizza and beer, while performing gastric lavage. % You might work in an ER if... You plan your dinner break while lavaging an overdose patient. % You might work in an ER if... You believe that "ask-a-nurse" is an evil plot thought up by Satan. % You might work in an ER if... You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if the phrase "wow, it's really quiet" is uttered. % You might work in an ER if... You threaten to strangle anyone who even starts to say the "q" word when the ER is even remotely calm. % You might work in an ER if... You refer to Friday as NH Dump Day and you don't mean New Hampshire. % You might work in an ER if... Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than most computers. % You might work in an ER if... You believe chocolate is a food group. % You might work in an ER if... You take it as a compliment when someone calls you dirty name. % You might work in an ER if... You say to yourself "great veins" when looking at complete strangers. % You might work in an ER if... You have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the eternal care unit. % You might work in an ER if... You don't think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate. % You might work in an ER if... You have ever referred to someone's death as a celestial transfer. % You might work in an ER if... You have ever answered a "lost condom" phone call. % You might work in an ER if... You refer to someone in severe respiratory distress as a "smurf". % You might work in an ER if... Your idea of a good time is dueling shock rooms. % You might work in an ER if... You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide. Doing It Right". % You might work in an ER if... You feel that most suicide attempts should be given a free subscription to "Guns and Ammo" magazine. % You might work in an ER if... You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis. % You might work in an ER if... You have ever had to leave a patient's room before you begin to laugh uncontrollably. % You might work in an ER if... You have ever wanted to reply "yes" when someone calls and asks "Is my (husband, wife, mother, brother, friend, etc.) there?". % You might work in an ER if... You have ever issued a "dead head" alert. % You might work in an ER if... You have ever referred to the E.R. Doc or triage nurse as a "shit magnet". % You might work in an ER if... Your favorite hallucinogenic is exhaustion. % You might work in an ER if... You think that caffeine should be available in I.V. form. % You might work in an ER if... You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience. % You might work in an ER if... Your most common assessment question is "what changed tonight to make it an emergency after 6 (hours, days, weeks, months, years)?". % You might work in an ER if... You have witnessed the charge nurse muttering down the hallway "who's in charge of this mess anyway?". % You might work in an ER if... You refer to vegetables and are not talking about a food group. % You might work in an ER if... You have ever used the phrase "health care reform" to instill fear into your co-workers' hearts. % You might work in an ER if... You believe the waiting room should be equipped with a valium fountain. % You might work in an ER if... You play poker by betting ectopics on EKG strips. % You might work in an ER if... You believe a "supreme being consult" is your patients only hope. % You might work in an ER if... You want lab to order a "dumb shit profile". % You might work in an ER if... You are totally astounded when someone from a NH is understandable. % You might work in an ER if... You have been exposed to so many X-rays that you consider radiation a form of birth control. % You might work in an ER if... You believe your patient is demonically possessed. % You might work in an ER if... You have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say "I have no idea how that got stuck in there". % You might work in an ER if... You believe that waiting room time should be proportional to length of time from symptom onset ("you've had the pain for three weeks. Well have a seat in the waiting room and we'll get to you in three days"). % You might work in an ER if... You know the phone number to the local Detox Center by heart. % You might work in an ER if... You have ever had a patient say, "but I'm not pregnant; I can't be pregnant; How can I be having a baby". % You might work in an ER if... You have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered some food. % You might work in an ER if... You carry your own set of keys to the " leathers". % You might work in an ER if... Your idea of gambling is an ETOH level pool instead of a football pool. % You might work in an ER if... Your bladder expands to the same size as a Winnebago's water tank. % You might work in an ER if... Your feet are slightly flatter and tougher than Fred Flintstone's. % You might work in an ER if... Your immune system is so well developed that it has been known to attack squirrels in the backyard. % You might work in an ER if... You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the nicest restaurants. % You might work in an ER if... Your idea of fine dining is anywhere you can sit down to eat. % You might work in an ER if... You have a special shrine in your home to the inventor of Haldol. % You might work in an ER if... Your idea of an x-ray prep is a second dose of Haldol. % You might work in an ER if... Your idea of a CT prep includes Norcuron and a vent. % You might work in an ER if... You have recurring nightmares about being knocked to the floor and run over by a portable X-ray machine. % You might work in an ER if... Your nursing shoes have been seized and quarantined by either the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta, OSHA, the EPA, or the Nuclear Regulatory Commission. % You might work in an ER if... You're able to tell the difference between a medical order and the ground around a poultry farm. % You might work in an ER if... You've been chipping away at your BSN for longer than most people take for a doctorate. % You might work in an ER if... Your idea of thawing the holiday turkey consists of an IV and warmed saline. (and if the holiday turkey you usually see has arms instead of wings and is sauced instead of basted). % You might work in an ER if... You have ever referred to subcutaneous air as "Rice Krispies". % You might work in an ER if... You have thought OD instead of BBQ when asked to get the Charcoal. % You might work in an ER if... You believe that a large part of your daily calorie requirement is provided by Tylenol, Advil, or Excedrin. % You might work in an ER if... When checking the level of orientation of patient, you aren't sure of the correct answer. % You might work in an ER if... You always try to schedule days off around phases of the moon. % You might work in an ER if... You think that Prom tickets should have coupons good for one free gastric lavage (especially whenever presented in conjunction with treatment for motor vehicle trauma). % You might work in an ER if... Your alcoholically challenged patients know you by your first name, and can point to "their room". % You might work in an ER if... If the hems in your scrub pants are held in with either 3-0 chromic or steristrips. % You might work in an ER if... You've struggled to come up with reimbursable discharge diagnoses such as: acute ambulatory dysfunction, impending asthma attack, constipation (or diarrhea) - resolved, or foreign body in (Fill in the blank) by history. % You might work in an ER if... You've ever hung a "banana bag", "yellow jello", or a "rally pack" for an etohlic. % You might work in an ER if... You've muttered "AMF YoYo" when an obnoxious patient finally leaves (Adios My Friend - and there is an X rated version to the MF -, but you're on your own for that one). % You might work in an ER if... You believe things would go much quicker if everyone would just get a head CT, Roc and Doxy, narcan, D50, ativan, and a loading dose of dilantin at the ED entrance. % You might work in an ER if... You associate possible house paint colors with body secretions or functions such as: Bile yellow, venous blue, arterial red, puffer pink, mottled blue, hemocult brown, frothy sputum (also known as P. E.) pink, MRSA beige, etc. % You might work in an ER if... You believe that the sight of a full moon can ruin a perfectly good day. % You might work in an ER if... You find yourself avoiding an unhealthy looking "COPD"er in the grocery store in fear that he'll drop near you and you will have to do CPR on your day off. % You might work in an ER if... Your family members have to have a fever of at least 105 or be missing a limb with active bleeding in order to receive your sympathy. % You might work in an ER if... You've ever pretended to sneeze and at the same time thrown KY jelly on a fellow coworker's sleeve in order to make them think that they got shot with a HOCKER. % You might work in an ER if... You've ever held a 14 gauge needle over someone's vein and said "now there's going to be a little poke". % You might work in an ER if... You are the only one at the dinner table NOT allowed to talk about your day at work. % You might work in an ER if... You've ever sworn that you were going to have "NO CODE" tattooed on your chest (or if you already have it tattooed). % You might work in an ER if... You have ever tried to hang a "Closed" sign on the ER doors after 0200. % You might work in an ER if... You have ever wanted to print your Discharge Instructions in Comic Book form . % You might work in an ER if... You recognize the Primary Care Physician for your patients as Dr. Knownee (often spelled None). % You might work in an ER if... You have served plenty of GI Cocktails but have never been a bartender. % You might work in an ER if... Your idea of a "Shamrock Shake" has Donnatol and Mylanta in it and doesn't come from McDonalds. % You might work in an ER if... You have ever considered "White Castles" at 0300 as an appropriate and well balanced meal. % You might work in an ER if... You automatically request a BAC on any MVA after midnight. % You might work in an ER if... You've ever had to restrain a parent (or significant other) so you could do your job. % You might work in an ER if... Your motto is "if it's wet, sticky, and not yours, don't mess with it!". % You might work in an ER if... You have ever had to remind yourself that you can't cure stupidity. % You might work in an ER if... You automatically multiply by three the answer to the question "how many drinks did you have today?". % You might work in an ER if... You get very, very scared when a child is "too" quiet. % You might work in an ER if... You are convinced that the amount of complaining by a patient is inversely proportional to how sick they are. % You might work in an ER if... You prefer "Code Blue" to "Code Brown". % You might work in an ER if... You circle the dates of full moons in red on the calendar. % You might work in an ER if... You believe that there are some things that only a good autopsy can cure. % You might work in an ER if... You think discussing dismemberment while eating chicken wings and drumsticks is normal dinner conversation. % You might work in an ER if... You intentionally ignore obnoxious patients so they will sign out AMA. % You might work in an ER if... You automatically assume that everyone that lists Toradol as an allergy is lying. % You might work in an ER if... You have ever wanted to order a serum porcelain level on all patients that are a crock (or if you have ever asked an intern to order it!) . % You might work in an ER if... Your favorite drug for combative patients Vitamin H (Haldol). % You might work in an ER if... You assume every female between 6 and 106 is pregnant until proven otherwise. % You might work in an ER if... You ever wanted to present the "poor-acting" award to a patient. % You might work in an ER if... You feel you look at the world through a proctoscope. % You might work in an ER if... You've ever offered your co-worker money to assist with a pelvic exam because you of what you can smell with the pt. fully dressed. % You might work in an ER if... You routinely draw a "rainbow" of blood tubes just in case the doctor /resident/intern/student should change his/her mind and order more tests 3 hours later. % You might work in an ER if... You have ever placed a bet on the glucose level of an unresponsive patient (winner is closest without going over). % You might work in an ER if... You have never been a bartender but know the ingredients to a "Coma Cocktail". % You might work in an ER if... You know the phone number of the coroner's office by heart. (Extra points awarded if you can identify them by voice or badge number). % You might work in an ER if... You plan your summer vacation by the location and reputation of the Trauma Centers. % You might work in an ER if... Your definition of giving TLC in an ER is "Tube, Lavage, and Charcoal". % You might work in an ER if... You can identify a positive "Sampsonite Sign" and diagnosis "Sampsonitis" when the patient shows up in triage with their suitcase in hand (differential diagnosis = not pregnant). % You might work in an ER if... You firmly believe that by the time the patient needs the bedpan, they've been here too long. % You might work in an ER if... You have ever wanted to post a sign in triage saying, "If you are grouchy, irritable or just plain mean, there will be a $10 surcharge for putting up with you". % You might work in an ER if... You know the therapeutic advantages of a foley for an unruly patient. % You might work in an ER if... You think "Weed and Feed" refers to IV antibiotics and a G-Tube. % You might work in an ER if... You have ever considered eating chocolate pudding off of a "chux" just to gross out your colleagues. % You might work in an ER if... Your career highlights include having witnessed the results of 6 or more immaculate conceptions. % You might work in an ER if... You can identify the difference between the PID shuffle and the thorazine shuffle. % You might work in an ER if... You have ever treated one of the following diagnoses: High velocity lead therapy (AKA acute lead poisoning); asphalt or cement poisoning; or deceleration trauma. % You might work in an ER if... Your idea of improved parking lot security includes a "NO FEAR!" window decal. % You might work in an ER if... The last time you saw "management" was in a book. % You might work in an ER if... You include the psych referral people among your best friends. % You might work in an ER if... You have ever included a nasopharyngeal airway as part of your evaluation of a patient's "unresponsiveness". % You might work in an ER if... You know the RDA for Vitamin H. % You might work in an ER if... You look at a chest film and think "Acute Lasix Deficiency Syndrome." % You might work in an ER if... You know the real "chief complaint" of any child under 5 years of age brought to the ER by the mother after midnight is "mama can't get any sleep". % You might work in an ER if... You think that the primary diagnosis of most NH patients is TMB (too many birthdays). % You might work in an ER if... You're fairly sure that the biggest problem with a child brought to the ER for the third time in 24 hours for a problem that was treated appropriately on the first visit is DPS (dumb parent syndrome) or NPS (new parent syndrome). % You might work in an ER if... You have ever thought about forgetting the K-Y when putting a foley in a drunk (especially the drunk driver!). % You might work in an ER if... You can go and sip your coffee while your patient screams in pain from his kidney stones. % You might work in an ER if... You can compliment a co-worker on his/her attire while doing CPR. % You might work in an ER if... You can finish a 7 course dinner before anyone else has touched their salad. % You might work in an ER if... The first thing you notice about a new acquaintance is the condition of their veins. % You might work in an ER if... You have a pet name for your cardiac monitor. % You might work in an ER if... Your idea of a great dinner is one that's warm. % You might work in an ER if... You know the patient's Medical History better than they do. % You might work in an ER if... You have ever been afraid to ask the parent of a child with a fever "Did you give your child any tylenol?" . % You might work in an ER if... You have ever been afraid to ask the teenage mother to be, "Have you had any prenatal care?" . % You might work in an ER if... You have had a patient start off by telling you what happened at the last three ERs that they went to. % You might work in an ER if... You have heard patients referring to an ambulance as "my ride". % You might work in an ER if... You have ever been told that a stuffy nose at 0300 is an emergency. % You might work in an ER if... You have ever asked, "Why are you here at 3 a.m. if you 've been sick four years?". % You might work in an ER if... You automatically multiply by two the answer "How many cigarettes do you smoke per day?". % You might work in an ER if... You have ever eaten chocolate pudding out of a stool specimen cup, just for laughs. % You might work in an ER if... You have ever wished for a "Dial-a-Dose" Haldol/Ativan tranquilizer gun, and Marlin Perkins to assist you, when sent into the psych room. % You might work in an ER if... You have ever had a patient fail the positive foley test for comas. % You might work in an ER if... You have ever had a patient return to "responsiveness" when the inside of their nose is tickled with a cotton swab. % You might work in an ER if... You know most/all the drunks in town and their case histories. % You might work in an ER if... You answer the phone "ER" even when you are at home. % You might work in an ER if... You know that all the winos in town give the ER Doc's name when asked who their doctor is. % You might work in an ER if... You know that as long as stupidity remains epidemic in the US, you have job security. % You might work in an ER if... You realize that the biggest difficulty with your job is that, on a daily basis, you attempt to reverse the process of natural selection. % You might work in an ER if... You refer to your patient as a "practicing professional alcoholic (PPA) who has devoted his life to the support of the cheap wine industry and the training of health care professionals". % You might work in an ER if... You know that swear words don't bother your ego; the real insult is someone referring to anyone by the wrong job title ("that nurse there." "She's the secretary, doofus"). % You might work in an ER if... You've ever encouraged a physician to "just treat 'em and street 'em". % You might work in an ER if... You can drink a cup of coffee and go straight to bed. % You might work in an ER if... You can define the word "GOMER". % You might work in an ER if... You've ever discovered that one of your patients is armed by noticing the pistol-shaped opacity on his pelvis X-ray. % You might work in an ER if... You never (willingly) take a patient's shoes off, no matter what. % You might work in an ER if... You refer to the Mega-code portion of ACLS as "the fun part". % You might work in an ER if... Your greatest fear in life involves a pregnant woman shouting "IT'S COMING". % You might work in an ER if... You don't worry about treating the gunshot wound patient half as much as you do about having to deal with the family (and "visitors"). % You might work in an ER if... You've only ever considered using one nursing diagnosis and that is "Ineffective Individual Coping" . % You might work in an ER if... You've ever heard someone begin a conversation with "I got this thing stuck in my butt and I can't get it out.". % You might work in an ER if... You realize that effective use of Tylenol, Benadryl and condoms would cut down your work load by 70-80%. % You might work in an ER if... You've ever argued to a drunk that he can't "just walk out" because his leg is broken. % You might work in an ER if... You're on a first-name-basis with all the local street people/bums/homeless. % You might work in an ER if... You wonder what the big deal is when someone has a seizure. % You might work in an ER if... Your friends and family refuse to watch TV with you if there's a remote possibility that the show will contain any scenes of a hospital (known as the "they're not doing it right" syndrome). % You might work in an ER if... You've ever had an adult look you in the face and say "I can't swallow pills". % You might work in an ER if... You think it's a compliment when even the Police Officers remark that you're crude, crass, and cynical. % You might work in an ER if... You calculate dopamine dosages in your head, but can't seem to balance your checkbook. % You might work in an ER if... Your social skills seem a little lacking, since most of your amusing anecdotes revolve around blood and vomit. % You might work in an ER if... You've ever said (to anyone) "so, did you find the fingers?". % You might work in an ER if... You tend to refer to over half of your patients as "Frequent Flyers", "The Gun and Knife Club" and "LOL's". % You might work in an ER if... You see kids who are brought in "to be checked". % You might work in an ER if... You have worked a "fast track" that does more checking out than the express lanes at the supermarket. % You might work in an ER if... You can identify the "P.I.D. shuffle" at a distance of 15 feet and the "Kidney Stone squirm" at 20. % You might work in an ER if... You've ever had to contend with someone who thinks constipation for 4 hours is a medical emergency. % You might work in an ER if... You've ever entered a patient's chief complaint as "I'm drunk". % You might work in an ER if... You refer to motorcyclists as "organ donors". % You might work in an ER if... You've ever had a patient with a nose-ring tell you "I'm afraid of shots". % You might work in an ER if... You stare at someone in utter disbelief when he or she actually covers his or her mouth when coughing. % You might work in an ER if... You've ever thought "as long as he's got a pulse, I won't worry about that rhythm.". % You might work in an ER if... You've ever referred to a body bag as a "To Go" bag. % You might work in an ER if... You've identified the ULTIMATE Cruel Practical Joke (get someone drunk, then take them to the ER and announce that they've overdosed on "some kind of pills" just prior to arrival). % You might work in an ER if... You think of chocolate, coffee, Coca-Cola and the cafeteria's frozen yogurt when anyone mentions the 4 food groups. (A big thank you to Shannon for the great contributions) % You might work in an ER if... You've ever heard the radio report from the ambulance and put the morgue bag on the cart before the patient arrives. % You might work in an ER if... You think that the announcement of an impending arrival in 5 minutes of two adults in a serious MVA on back boards with sirens on and anxiety a level 10 would be a great opportunity to eat lunch. (and you know that this is more time than you usually get). (Special thanks to Henry J. Siegelson, MD) % You might work in an ER if... You have ever heard triage nurse first ask, "Is it urgent?" when interrupted from the first break in hours. (Special thanks to Warren Magnus, D.O.) % You might work in an ER if... You have four categories of patients: urgent, emergent, non-emergent, and S.I.O. (sleeping it off). % You might work in an ER if... You automatically multiply by 3 the number of drinks they claim to have daily. % You might work in an ER if... You feel that you can diagnose passersby at the mall based on physical presentation. % You might work in an ER if... You don't have to ask "frequent flyers" any medical history questions because you can fill it out from memory. % You might work in an ER if... You can keep a straight face as the patient responds "Just two beers". % You might work in an ER if... You give the local drunks tips on where to sleep so they (and you) won't be disurbed by a return visit. %