For every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat, and wrong. 
		-- H. L. Mencken 
%
Someday we'll look back on all this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
%
It's that complete failure to recognise ones own incompetence in a
particular field, instead insisting that one knows what one is doing until
one makes a complete hash of it, and need someone else to come and clear
up the mess that REALLY characterises a luser. 
		-- Gary "Wolf" Barnes
%
It was only a few weeks ago that one of my best friends called me a whore.
		-- Joe 
%
No question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious.
%
Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more
"user-friendly". ... Their best approach, so far, has been to take all
the old brochures, and stamp the words, "user-friendly" on the cover.
		-- Bill Gates, Microsoft, Inc. [Pot. Kettle. Black.]
%
I fear the geeks, even bearing GIFs.
%
You know the old saying -- any technology sufficiently advanced is 
indistinguishable from a Perl script.
		-- Programming Perl, 2nd Edition
%
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
		-- Arthur C. Clarke
%
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a
rigged demo.
		-- Andy Finkel, computer guy 
%
Any sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from technology
%
Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
%
Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.
		-- Gregory Benford, "Foundation's Fear" 
%
Any sufficiently advanced political correctness is indistinguishable 
from irony.
		-- Erik Naggum  
%
Lamport's Law:
 A distributed system is one in which the failure of a computer you 
 didn't even know existed can render your own computer unusable.
%
The only "intuitive" interface is the nipple. After that, it's all 
learned.
		-- Bruce Ediger, in comp.os.linux.misc, on X interfaces.
%
That's the thing about people who think they hate computers. 
What they really hate is lousy programmers.
		-- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty" 
%
I know you think you thought you knew what you thought I said,
but I'm not sure you understood what you thought I meant. 
%
Any medium powerful enough to extend man's reach is powerful enough to 
topple his world.  To get the medium's magic to work for one's aims rather
than against them is to attain literacy.
		-- Alan Kay, "Computer Software", Scientific American, 
		   September 1984
%
The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by 
people who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried 
anything.
		-- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore 
%
Come, muse, let us sing of rats!
		-- From a poem by James Grainger, 1721-1767 
%
Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure that you're 
the one holding it.
		-- Captain Combat 
%
It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program.
What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing 
thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical?
		-- Alan Perlis 
%
I'm not a geek, I'm "socially challenged". 
%
"Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a fake?" 
%
No matter where you go, there you are. 
%
If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious. 
%
kernel, n.:
  A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval traditions 
  of sorcery and black art. 
%
You are not what you own. 
%
Optimization hinders evolution. 
%
Falon's Law:
  There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is the
  least bit difficult to write bad programs.
%
I never killed a process that didn't deserve it. 
%
A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a 
simple system that works. 
%
Not everything worth doing is worth doing well. 
%
100 bottles of beer on the wall, 100 bottles of beer. 
Take one down, pass it around, FF bottles of beer on the wall...
%
The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are correct. 
%
It is the business of the future to be dangerous. 
%
Ferguson's Precept:
  A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing." 
%
Someone is unenthusiastic about your work. 
%
Knowledge without common sense is folly. 
%
This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.
		-- Wolfgang Pauli 
%
Fast, cheap, good: pick two
%
If we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat
different world.
		-- Wittgenstein
%
If we programmed in a different language, we would perceive a 
somewhat different world. 
%
The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the 
illiterates can read.
		-- Alberto Moravia 
%
Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't.
%
Laws of Computer Programming:
  1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
  2. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
  3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
  4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
  5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
  6. The value of a program is proportional the weight of its output.
  7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the
     programmer who must maintain it.
%
When you live in a sick society, just about everything you do is wrong. 
%
To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide 
a test load.
%
If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
		-- Norm Schryer 
%
When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to 
guarantee them. 
%
Of course the Universe hates you. You're working to reduce chaos by 
expending a lot of energy to do your job.  Thus, you're contributing to 
the eventual heat death of the universe, and it's just protecting itself 
from you.
%
Writing software is more fun than working. 
%
The problem with engineering students, in general, is that they have to 
sleep every few days.
%
The problem with CS students, in general, is that they have to sleep 
every few days. 
%
The problem with graduate students, in general, is that they have to 
sleep every few days. 
%
Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
		-- Evan Davis 
%
I've got one last thing to say before I go; give me back all of my stuff. 
%
If I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant's footsteps. 
%
Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense. 
%
A squeegee by any other name wouldn't sound as funny.
%
Expert, n.:
  Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides.
%
A Law of Computer Programming:
  Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you will 
  find that programmers cannot write in English.
%
Over the shoulder supervision is more a need of the manager than the 
programming task. 
%
Artificial intelligence has the same relation to intelligence as 
artificial flowers have to flowers.
		-- David Parnas 
%
Micro Credo: Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift. 
%
The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions is the most likely 
to be correct.
		-- William of Occam 
%
There is more to life than increasing its speed.
		-- Mahatma Gandhi 
%
"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from. 
%
Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life. 
%
After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless. 
%
Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.
		-- Tom Lehrer 
%
Real programmers don't comment their code.  It was hard to write, it 
should be hard to understand. 
%
Computers are useless; They can only give you answers.
		-- Pablo Picasso 
%
When some people discover the truth, they just can't understand why 
everybody isn't eager to hear it. 
%
Programmers: Avoid reading the backs of shampoo bottles, 
             "Lather. Rinse. Repeat." can cause serious problems. 
%
The British think 200 miles is a long way; Americans think 200 years 
is a long time. 
%
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
%
What makes you think graduate school is supposed to be satisfying?
		-- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying" 
transparent, adj.:
  Being or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object.
  "It's there, but you can't see it"
virtual, adj.:
  Being or pertaining to a tangible, nonexistent object.
  "I can see it, but it's not there."
%
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and 
it holds the universe together.
%
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
		-- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy 1981-1987  
%
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
		-- Albert Einstein 
%
What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them?
		-- Roger von Oech 
%
Logic doesn't apply to the real world.
		-- Marvin Minsky 
%
Real programmers disdain structured programming.  Structured programming
is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-trained. They wear 
neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise clear desks. 
%
The real reason psychology is hard is that psychologists are trying to do 
the impossible.
%
An ounce of prevention is worth a ton of code.
		-- an anonymous programmer 
%
At least they're EXPERIENCED incompetents.
%
In case of injury notify your superior immediately.  He'll kiss it and 
make it better. 
%
The solution of this problem is trival and is left as an exercise for 
the reader. 
%
The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a 
soldering iron, a hardware type with a program patch and a user with 
an idea.
		-- Computer Saying 
%
In a world without fences, who needs gates? 
%
When a train arrives a minute late, it's either not a Swiss train, or 
it's not a Swiss watch.
%
There's a lot of different forms of communication, but music is
absolutely the purest one, man.  There's nothing that could ever 
be bad about playing music.
		-- Duane Allman 
%
The problem with most conspiracy theories is that they seem to believe 
that for a group of people to behave in a way detrimental to the common 
good requires intent. 
%
It is the business of the future to be dangerous. 
%
Anything sufficiently bizarre is indistinguishable from truth.
		-- Zik Saleeba 
%
Vote anarchist.
%
Attitude without substance is just plain bitterness.
		-- Unknown 
%
I prefer to remain anomalous. 
%
Metal is for wearing. Flesh is for changing. You wouldn't understand - 
it's a cyborg thing. 
%
The worst thing about censorship is 
%
Lies, damned lies, and Usenet posts.
%
If it's not broken, break it. 
%
Usenet: open mouth, insert foot, propagate internationally.
%
Eat flaming death, luddite technophobe scum! 
%
My dad's this long-haired drug-taking weirdo, hangs out with a heap of 
Goths - of COURSE I became a computer geek.
		-- attrib. to Ada B. Lovelace 
%
Relax. It's only zeroes and ones. 
%
There are only two industries that refer to their customers as 'users'.
		-- Edward Tufte 
%
Sufficiently compressed data is indistinguishable from Spam(tm).
		-- Kibo 
%
The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.
		-- Bertrand Russell  
%
Real World: A bizarre dimension in which the standard dress is shirt and 
tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. 
%
Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must be 
good because the programmers hate it so much. 
%
This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as 
a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us. 
%
Sysadmin (n): 
  The untrained being underpaid for doing the impossible with the obsolete.
%
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. 
%
I do not fear computers. I fear the users. 
%
I bet the human brain is a kludge.
		-- Minsky 
%
You can believe anything you want. The universe is not obliged to keep a 
straight face. 
%
A witty saying proves nothing. 
%
The fact that I get so many questions about it means that you all have 
been thoroughly educated to avoid goto's -- to the point where they no 
longer exist for you.  I am impressed... 
		-- Christoph M. Hoffmann 
%
If you own a machine, you are in turn owned by it, and spend your time 
serving it...
		-- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "The Forbidden Tower" 
%
The geeks shall inherit the earth.
%
I will always love the false image I had of you. 
%
Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today because if you enjoy 
it today, you can do it again tomorrow. 
%
Do more than anyone expects, and pretty soon everyone will expect more.
%
Grelb's Reminder:
  Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above
  average drivers. 
%
Anything that can be done to a rat can be done to a human being.
And we can do most anything to rats. 
This is a hard thing to think about, but it's the truth.
It won't go away because we cover our eyes.
*This* is cyberpunk. 
		-- Bruce Sterling
%
Cunning and deceit will every time serve a man better than force.
		-- Niccolo Machiavelli  
%
Information Processing:
  What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with it 
  they won't let it be discussed in their presence.
%
Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, 
two parts which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still 
under development. 
%
The overall impression given by the item was that either the politicians, 
or the journalists, or both, may not have completely grasped all the 
subtleties of the issue.  Regular RISKS readers may be forgiven for not 
falling off their chairs at this revelation.
		-- Nick Brown 
%
Verbing weirds language
		-- Calvin 
%
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. 
%
As you can see, the Volvo is designed to keep the driver completely 
oblivious to what is going on around him, even during a crash.
%
A program isn't debugged until the last user is dead. 
%
Those silly RFCs are all that separate us from the animals!
		-- Kevin Rodgers in a.r.e 
%
Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until. 
%
To downgrade the human mind is bad theology.
		-- C. K. Chesterton 
%
Preserve the old, but know the new. 
%
Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait. 
%
Computers have feelings, too. 
%
if (you.canRead(this))
    you.canGet(new job(!problem));
%
It's Not That Simple.
%
It's Just That Simple. 
%
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow. 
%
The graduate with a Science degree asks "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks "Do you want fries with that?"
%
You cannot truly appreciate *nix source code until you have read it in 
the original Klingon
		-- Kang 
%
The bleeding will stop shortly after you lose consciousness.
%
A good USENET motto would be:
  1. Together, a strong community
  2. Computers R Us
  3. I'm sick of programming, I think I'll just screw around for a 
     while on company time.
%
In the moral universe of cyberpunk, we *already* know Things We Were 
Not Meant To Know. Our *grandparents* knew these things; Robert 
Oppenheimer at Los Alamos became the Destroyer of Worlds long before 
we arrived on the scene.  In cyberpunk, the idea that there are sacred 
limits to human action is simply a delusion.  There are no sacred 
boundaries to protect us from ourselves.
		-- Bruce Sterling, Interzone #6  
%
People without prior knowledge of and commitment to science fiction 
are not going to venture into what has become the bookstore equivalent 
of a video-game arcade crossed with the National Enquirer and a Star 
Trek convention in search of seriously intended fiction of any kind. 
Why shouldn't they believe that all that sci-fi stuff is robots and 
monsters and flying saucers and alien tentacled paranoia and Star Wars 
and X-files when the might corporate machineries market and package 
and promote it all as such?
Somehow the mere existence of something that actually calls itself 
the ''Sci-Fi Channel'' says it all.
		-- Norman Spinrad, On Books: 
		   Who Will Resurrect Science Fiction? (Asimov's March 1998)
%
Chaos is the sexiest excuse for laziness ever invented.
		-- Bruce Sterling 
%
Nothing unusual about people dumping core around NT servers. 
%
Having children is not a mistake.  Not giving children clues is a 
mistake. Raising clueful children is a job that clueful people do. 
%
They're not spammers. They're mangy network terrorist scum. 
%
Theory means you have ideas; ideology means ideas have you.
		-- unknown anarchist 
%
To go far, you need the best equipment.
		-- Analyzer  
%
If anything is possible, then nothing is interesting.
		-- H.G. Wells 
%
You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular. 
%
Never let someone who says it cannot be done interrupt the person 
who is doing it. 
%
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form. 
%
He is the best of men who dislikes power.
		-- Mohammed 
%
Sometimes the best medicine is to stop taking something. 
%
The less time planning, the more time programming. 
%
Proper Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance.
%
Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed from 
one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds.
		-- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"  
%
Men of quality are not afraid of women for equality. 
%
When in doubt, lead trump. 
%
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do. 
%
A little experience often upsets a lot of theory. 
%
Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
  No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
  approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. 
%
The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent 
thinkers. 
%
The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
		-- Buckminster Fuller 
%
Thought is irksome and three minutes is a long time.
		-- A.E. Housman 
%
A computer without a name is a travesty.  Naming a computer is as much 
a sign of respect and stewarship as naming an airplane or a ship.
Unless, of course, it's running WinDOS, in which case it doesn't 
deserve the respect.
		-- Jeff Medcalf 
%
If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter.
		-- Freeman Dyson 
%
Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any 
good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.
		-- Howard Aiken 
%
The steady state of disks is full.
		-- Ken Thompson 
%
If Diet Coke did not exist it would have been neccessary to invent it.
		-- Karl Lehenbauer 
%
God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man. 
%
Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it. 
%
Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated.
		-- R. Drabek 
%
You will stop at nothing to reach your objective, but only because 
your brakes are defective. 
%
Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to 
make it complex and wonderful. 
%
If it's not loud, it doesn't work!
		-- Blank Reg, from "Max Headroom" 
%
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. 
%
Computer science: 
  1. A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the precision 
     of the former and the success of the latter.
  2. The protracted value analysis of algorithms.
  3. The costly enumeration of the obvious.
  4. The boring art of coping with a large number of trivialities.
  5. Tautology harnessed in the service of Man at the speed of light.
  6. The Post-Turing decline in formal systems theory.
%
The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of 
a digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the 
top of a mountain or in the petals of a flower. To think otherwise is to 
demean the Buddha -- which is to demean oneself.
		-- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
%
What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us is that they think 
themselves cleverer than we are. 
%
It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness. 
%
According to the latest official figures, 43%of all statistics are 
totally worthless. 
%
The universe is an island, surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds 
universes. 
%
Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if 
you don't think. 
%
A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken. 
%
How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work? 
%
How much work could a network net if a network could net work? 
%
Everybody needs a little love sometime; stop hacking and fall in love! 
%
About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard. 
%
I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused.
		-- Elvis Costello 
%
The scum also rises.
		-- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson 
%
I'll be comfortable on the couch. Famous last words.
		-- Lenny Bruce 
%
I am a computer. I am dumber than any human and smarter than any 
administrator. 
%
The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.
%
Only a fool has no doubts. 
%
It's great to be smart 'cause then you know stuff. 
%
You can drive a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead. 
%
Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life. 
%
Most burning issues generate far more heat than light. 
%
Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
I muck with indices and structs all day
And when it works, I shout hoo-ray
Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay 
%
For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty 
years. This gives me great hope for the human race.
		-- Harlan Ellison 
%
Freedom of anonymous speech is an essential component of free speech 
%
Because I want to be young and wild, and then I want to be middle aged 
and rich, and then I want to be old and annoy people by pretending that 
I'm deaf.
		-- Lord Blackadder 
%
While programs written for Sun machines won't run unmodified on 
Intel-based computers, Sun said the two packages will be completely 
compatible and that software companies can convert a program from one 
system to the other through a fairly straightforward and automated 
process known as "recompiling". 
%
It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
		-- Gore Vidal 
%
Any content-based regulation of the Internet, no matter how benign 
the purpose, could burn the global village to roast the pig.
		-- summary comment by Judge Stewart Dalzell about the CDA 
%
If you try to apply logic, you'll just make it worse.
		-- Lionel Lauer, March 4 1998  
%
I thought then - I think now, for that matter - that the worst criminal 
who ever walked is morally superior to a hanging judge.
		-- George Orwell, "The Road to Wigan Pier" 
%
Linux: Between Playstation and Craystation. 
%
Models are to be used, not believed.
		-- Henri Theil, Principles of Econometrics, p. vi 
%
Confidence is that feeling you have before you understand the situation.  
%
We either learn from history or, uh, well, something bad will happen.
		-- Bob Church 
%
I am sorry, but what you have mistaken for malicious intent is nothing 
more than sheer incompetence!
		-- J. L. Rizzo II 
%
Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.
		-- HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees."
%
Doing Strange Things in the Name of Science. 
%
Doing Strange Things in the Name of Art. 
%
If you can't browse it with lynx, it ain't worth a damn.
%
Morality's lease is up and Science has the keys to the apartment. 
%
What good is Science if nobody gets hurt? 
%
We have too many men of science, too few men of God. We have grasped 
the mystery of the atom and rejected the Sermon on the Mount . . . . 
The world has achieved brilliance without wisdom, power without 
conscience.  Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. 
We know more about war than we know about peace, more about killing 
than we know about living.
		-- General Omar N. Bradley 
%
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. 
%
Programming trees are written with the root at the top and the leaves 
at the bottom.  Common sense tells you that this is upside-down.  In 
case you haven't noticed, common sense has very little to do with 
programming.
		-- Steve Oualline 
%
One of the things that we've seen over the past year is that the move 
from UNIX to NT is not nearly as dramatic as we had anticipated.
		-- HP's Workstation Division 
%
I've seen people make a home here when they didn't have any other, not 
on a newsgroup, not with a bunch of electrons, but with people that 
they've met and communities that they've found and support that they've 
received from people who had just the words they needed to hear and 
would never have known they existed, and by God I *KNOW* what this 
network is for, and you can't have it.
		-- Russ Allberry
%
If you think C++ is not overly complicated, just what is a protected 
abstract virtual base pure virtual private destructor, and when was 
the last time you needed one?
		-- Tom Cargil, C++ Journal. 
%
There's a price to be paid for selling your soul.
		-- Rajappa Iyer, on Microsoft 
%
Security-wise, NT is a server with a "Kick me" sign taped to it.
		-- Peter Gutmann 
%
Nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure. 
%
A recent GTE print ad goes something like this (I'm paraphrasing):
  We built a sophisticated LAN for Microsoft.  We build a 25 city pager 
  network for China.  We manage network security for the department of 
  defense.  And we even provide phone service for the 250 people of 
  Penelope, Texas.
In other words, they are the telecomm provider of choice for the three 
most evil entities in the world.
		-- Mike Gebis  
%
If this looks weird, it is OK, it is weird.  ;-) 
%
Unix source: "You are not expected to understand this."  
%
If you smack someone over the head with a documentation set, they either 
get a clue or serious concussion.  Usually the latter.
		-- Chris King <chris@csking.demon.co.uk>  
%
Aside from providing an arena in which to set records of a kind, the 
quest to calculate [pi] to millions of decimal places may seem rather 
pointless. Thirty-nine places of pi suffice for computing the 
circumference of a circle girdling the known universe with an error no 
greater than the radius of a hydrogen atom.  It is hard to imagine 
physical situations requiring more digits.  Why are mathematicians and 
computer scientists not satisfied with, say, the first 50 digits of pi?
		-- From "Ramanujan and Pi", Jonathan M. Borwin, 
		   Peter B. Borwin, printed in "The World Treasury of 
		   Physics, Astronomy and Mathematics" 
%
In cyberspace *everyone* can hear you scream.
		-- Robert Billing 
%
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, 
lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of 
their C programs.
		-- Robert Firth 
%
Think positively, act positively, and never leave fingerprints.
		-- Robert Sneddon 
%
Civilised man thinks about his problems, or so he'd like to think; 
primitive man dances about his problems.
		-- Harry Smith 
%
Being the last man on the Moon is a very dubious honor.
		-- Gene Cernan 
%
The weird part is that I can feel productive even when I'm doomed.
		-- Dilbert 
%
Flying the Shuttle control systems under Windows 95... now there's a 
genuinely scary thought. 
  Program "RE-ENTRY CONTROL" has experienced a GPF at location 0320:9985.
  Suggest you close all applications and reboot the system? OK. 
%
Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon 
%
Little else matters than to write good code.
		-- Karl Lehenbauer 
%
The three principal virtues of a programmer are Laziness, Impatience, 
and Hubris.
		-- Larry Wall 
%
As practiced by computer science, the study of programming is an unholy 
mixture of mathematics, literary criticism, and folklore.
		-- B. A. Sheil, 1981  
%
Remember, high-tech means breaks down next week, while cutting edge 
means breaks down this afternoon.
		-- Bruce Sterling  
%
[A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.
		-- Joseph Campbell  
%
Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea -- massive, 
difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of 
mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it.
		-- Gene Spafford, 1992  
%
Software is like Entropy: it's hard to grasp, weighs nothing and obeys 
the Second Law of Thermodynamics, i.e. it always increases.
		-- Norman Augustine  
%
...it doesn't matter how beautiful your theory is, it doesn't matter 
how smart you are -- if it doesn't agree with experiment, it's wrong.
		-- R.P. Feynman 
%
Atilla The Hun's Maxim:
  If you're going to rape, pillage and burn, be sure to do things in 
  that order.
		- P. J. Plauger, Programming On Purpose, p147  
%
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the 
intelligent are full of doubt.
		-- Bertrand Russell  
%
C is quirky, flawed, and an enormous success.
		-- Dennis M. Ritchie.  
%
We don't have a patent on irony and satire; those tools are available 
for you to use in your own work.
		-- Guerrilla Girls  
%
Unix has been feverishly evolving for over 20 years, sort of like 
bacteria in a cesspool, only less attractive.
		-- Unix for Dummies  
%
It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value. 
%
When in doubt, use brute force.
		-- Ken Thompson  
%
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
		-- Phillip K. Dick, 1928-1982  
%
From a long view of the history of mankind - seen from, say, ten thousand 
years from now, there can be little doubt that the most significant event 
of the 19th century will be judged as Maxwell's discovery of the laws of 
electrodynamics.  The American Civil War will pale into provincial 
insignificance in comparison with this important scientific event of the 
same decade.
		-- R. P. Feynman, Lectures on Physics, Vol. II, 
		   Addison-Wesley, 1964, page 1-11.  
%
Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks 
more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.
%
90%of everything is crap.
		-- Theodore Sturgeon
111%of crap is everything.
		-- Larry Wall  
%
They make simple tasks easier, and hard tasks possible.
		-- Larry Wall, on Perl 
%
They make simple tasks easier, and complex tasks impossible.
		-- John William Chambless , on GUIs 
%
I must not have fun.  Fun is the time-killer.  Fun is for inferiors, 
servants and the help.  I will ignore fun. I will work through it.  
And when the fun is gone only I will remain -- I, and my will to win. 
Damn, I'm good.
		-- The Litany Against Fun 
%
It was the chains of communication, not the means of production, that 
determined a social process; Marx had been wrong, lacking cybernetics 
to enlighten him.  Marx was like the engineers of his time, who thought 
of electricity in terms of work done, before Marconi thought of it in 
terms of information transmitted.
		-- R. Shea and R. A. Wilson, "The Golden Apple"  
%
We are a nation of laws, poorly written and randomly enforced.
		-- Frank Zappa 
%
A witty saying proves nothing.
		-- Voltaire  
%
You wake me up early in the morning to tell me I am right?  Please wait 
until I am wrong.
		-- John von Neumann, on being phoned at 10 a.m.  
%
A free society is a place where it's safe to be unpopular.
		-- Adlai Stevenson  
%
... if we wish to count lines of code, we should not regard them as 
`lines produced' but as `lines spent.'
		-- Edsger Dijkstra  
%
We work in the dark
We do what we can
We give what we have
Our doubt is our passion, and our passion is our task
The rest is the madness of art.
		-- Henry James
%
Computers have feelings, too. 
%
There is a great deal of similarity between what we accomplished in 
the monkey and what we believe we can accomplish in the human being.
		-- Dr. Robert White 
%
One of the great commandments of science is: 
  'Mistrust arguments from authority.'
		-- Carl Sagan 
%
I'll give up mortality when pulled from my cold, dead fingers. 
%
You HAD mail, but superuser read it and deleted it. 
%
The best answer when anybody asks you if you're any good with explosives 
is to hold up two open hands and simply say "Ten".
%
We know what you want. We know what you need. We know where you live.
%
Only in a police state is the job of a policeman easy.
		-- Orson Welles 
%
The human race has one really effective weapon: laughter.
		-- Mark Twain 
%
Craig Shergold is alive and well. He does not want any more cards.
		-- Prof. Gene Spafford 
%
Art is whatever you can get away with.
		-- Andy Warhol 
%
I got better. I got strong.
		-- Radiohead 
%
It may be laid down as a principle that it is never worth the trouble 
of trying any inscrutable cypher, unless the author has himself 
decyphered some very difficult cypher.
		-- Charles Babbage c.1854 
%
Perfection is not when nothing is left to add, but when nothing 
is left to take away.
		-- Antoine de Saint Exupery, early aviator. 
%
Lawyers are killing society, perhaps we should return the favour. 
%
I still think I've seen the ultimate example of text meant only for 
lusers.  In the middle of the manual for the M60A3TTS tank is a warning 
that the laser rangefinder window is coated with (IIRC) thorium 
flouride and should not be "eaten".  WTF?  Have people really tried to 
eat a tank?
		-- Eric R. 
%
cc:Mail is a wonderful application, as long as you don't want to 
read or send mail.
		-- Jan van den Broek 
%
Don't let anyone ever say that Linux is an unsupported operating 
system.  Out there is a global militia of fearless engineers posting 
helpful information on the Internet: Linux is the best supported 
operating system in the world.
		-- Ellen Ullman, "The Dumbing-Down of Programming."  
%
Keep dry and away from children.
%
The obvious mathematical breakthrough [to break modern encryption] 
would be development of an easy way to factor large prime numbers.
		-- Bill Gates from "The Road Ahead," p. 265. 
%
Found written on a whiteboard in an ECE lab at UC Davis:
  LOST: My personality. I can no longer function when I am apart from 
  my computer. If you find my personality, or any part of my social 
  life, please email: computernerd@getalife.ucdavis.edu or call 
  (630) NEED-HLP. (But this is my cell phone, so you won't be able 
  to reach me when I am in the basement server room. So forget it. 
  Just send email.) 
%
ZENgineering: v. when you've looked at the obvious to solve a problem 
you start doing something completely different to fix it.  Other examples 
of ZENingeering solutions are: rebooting the router the opposite side 
of the campus to where the lusers are reporting network problems 
(Tuesday).  I have no idea what the ATM bridge/router was doing to 
affect the network.  It's not even got anything plugged into the ethernet 
interfaces, and it only has one ATM port!
		-- Richard Letts, richard@illuin.demon.co.uk 
%
Computer science is not really about computers at all, but about ways 
to describe processes.
		-- Marvin Minsky 
%
*DON'T DO THIS*. It is *BAD* engineering.  *BAD* engineers *DESERVE* 
to be unemployed, living under park benches, and feeding off of slow 
moving pigeons.
		-- Terry Lambert, in comp.unix.bsd.freebsd.misc 
%
We are not the Net-gestapo, we just like wearing their cool uniforms 
%
Eagles may soar, but at least weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
%
Benchmarks are worthless if you just hear the bottom line.
		-- Malcolm Ray 
%
The care of human life and happiness, and not their destruction, is the 
first and only legitimate object of good government.
		-- Thomas Jefferson 
%
God does not play dice with the universe: he plays an ineffable game 
of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of 
any of the other players, to being involved in an obscure and complex 
version of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite 
stakes, with a dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all 
the time.
		-- Neil Gaiman and Terry Prachett 
%
The future is already here - it's just not very well distributed yet.
		-- William Gibson 
%
There are no problems that cannot be solved by the judicious use of 
high explosives.
		-- British Commando quote, circa WWII. 
%
I'm a hacker and proud.	 And no, that does not mean computer criminal, 
and if you think it does, go do your homework.
		--Eric Raymond 
%
Friends don't let Friends do Microsoft 
%
Step away from the keyboard, let go of the mouse and no one gets hurt.
%
Remember, when you pull his pin, Mr. Hand Grenade stops being your 
friend.
		-- Anthony DeBoer 
%
Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to re-invent it, poorly.
		-- Henry Spencer 
%
I didn't mind when he wore my clothes, smoked my cigars, drank my 
whiskey, and drove my car.  But when he sits at the dinner table and 
laughs at me with my own teeth, that's too much. 
%
Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing 
the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
		-- Mike Avery 
%
Usually it is people with agendas who accuse others of having them. 
%
Quid quid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.) 
%
Home is where you hang your @.
%
The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail. 
%
A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. 
%
Don't put all your hypes in one home page. 
%
Too many clicks spoil the browse. 
%
The geek shall inherit the earth. 
%
Don't byte off more than you can view. 
%
There's no place like <http://www.home.com/> 
%
Know what to expect before you connect. 
%
Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice. 
%
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day;
teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks. 
%
Been there, done that, erased the evidence, blackmailed the witnesses... 
%
Don't trust any software that doesn't include the source. 
Don't trust all software that does include the source. 
%
GUI != Functionality 
%
Never meddle in the affairs of BOFHs, for we have no need of subtlety.
		-- Bruce 
%
Oh, it does actually speak some industry standards??
Well, not so much "speak" it, as mumble it.
		-- BOFHen, on MS Exchange 
%
At the heart of every great business innovation is someone who's a 
monumental pain in the neck.  Be that pain.
%
...(t)he instruction books for many cordless phones include a warning 
NOT to use a cordless phone as the only phone in a residence.  In fact, 
on many of the models which my engineering group specifies and/or 
designs, we have this information repeated in several places (a drop-in 
safety leaflet, and sometimes even on labels affixed to the product, as 
well as RTFM).
Nonetheless, despite warnings, people behave as if they are stupid...
		-- Eric Roesinger, Member Technical Staff, Communications 
		   RF Cordless Development, Thomson Consumer Electronics 
%
Good news will stay, and bad news will refuse to leave.
		-- Tevye
%
Anyone who slaps a 'this page is best viewed with Browser X' label on a 
Web page appears to be yearning for the bad old days, before the Web, 
when you had very little chance of reading a document written on another 
computer, another word processor, or another network.
		-- Tim Berners-Lee in Technology Review, July 1996  
%
When it sounds good, it is good.
		-- Duke Ellington 
%
You mean you don't use machine guns in *your* pictures?
		-- Charles Bronson to Ingmar Bergman 
%
A host is a host from coast to coast
and no one will talk to a host that's close
Unless the host (that isn't close)
is busy, hung or dead.
%
Technically, Windows NT Server 4.0 is no match for any UNIX operating 
system, not even the non-commercial BSDs or Linux.
		-- John Kirch, Networking Consultant and Microsoft 
		   Certified Professional (Windows NT) 
%
They're all fools. Don't worry. Darwin may be slow, but he'll 
eventually get them.
		-- Matthew Lammers in a.s.r.
%
I am highly amused with the thought that some people will think I 
am kidding. 
%
# Hmph.  I sent my first e-mail message in 1983, but it was 1985 before 
# any of my messages went beyond North America. 
Yeah, I've had ISP's like that too.  
%
Q: What is the most commonly asked question on alt.fan.hofstadter and 
   what is the answer?
A: "What is the most commonly asked question on alt.fan.hofstadter and 
    what is the answer?" and  "What is the most commonly asked question 
    on alt.fan.hofstadter and what is the answer?".
%
 The manual said :"Win95 or better ..", so I installed Linux 
%
I try to be obnoxiously insensitive only when absolutely necessary. 
%
Of course, any post about maggots is fine by me.
		-- Judy Johnson
%
Every year, I get more and more cynical, but somehow I just can't keep up.
		-- Lily Tomlin 
%
Object-Oriented Nikes would be more zen:
  "Just Be It!"
%
Windows NT to extend reach
  update: Microsoft wants customized versions of Windows NT for 
  "embedded" systems such as health and communications equipment.
  Gives Blue Screen of Death a whole new meaning...
%
Direct Nuclear strike will cause unit to fail to function.
%
People don't buy Microsoft for quality, they buy it for compatibility 
with what Bob in accounting bought last year.  Trace it back - they 
buy Microsoft because the IBM Selectric didn't suck much.
		-- P Seebach, alt.folklore.computers 
%
A decent system should have no ERROR messages, only ask: 
  "I do not understand, explain please" 
  "Please, do (...) for me"
		-- lauri 
%
One World, One Web, One Program.
		-- Microsoft Promotional Ad
Ein Volk, Ein Reich, Ein Fuhrer.
		-- Adolf Hitler 
%
Some people have told me they don't think a fat penguin really embodies 
the grace of Linux, which just tells me they have never seen a angry 
penguin charging at them in excess of 100mph.  They'd be a lot more 
careful about what they say if they had.
		-- Linus Torvalds 
%
# Hmm, are you trying to tell us that M$ is actually testing their products? 
Of course. Just like any other company. It's only after testing when 
M$ differs from other companies.  Other companies go back to the drawing 
board - or if testing something like Windows, decide to switch to chicken 
farming instead.
		-- Abigail on a.s.r.
%
A fool of sufficient magnitude can be found to overcome any foolproof system. 
%
And on the 8th day God said, "Murphy, you're in charge." 
%
Scientists in Japan have just discovered that the neutrino has mass.  
CNN describes its mass relative to that of an electron in this way:
 "If the mass of an electron would approximately equal a U.S. naval 
  cruiser and half a mine sweeper, then the mass of the neutrino would 
  equal five apples."
Couldn't they think of a better analogy? 
%
Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it.  
%
What is it with this warm, quiet, nauseating bond between them?
		-- Rumiko Takahashi, "Maison Ikkoku", 
		   trans. Mari Morimoto, adapt. Gerard Jones 
%
As far as we know, our system has had no undetected errors.
%
But the reality of how the world works is more complex than such 
simple rules capture.  And so the consciousness that sees obedience to 
the rules as goodness itself has committed a kind of idolatry.
		-- Andrew Bard Schmookler 
%
Bigger numbers sound better. 
%
I don't care how frightened you are, you're not frightened enough.
		-- Jason Wright in a.s.r. 
%
America became a literate country before there were any schools of 
education.  We would be justified in demanding that schools of education 
either raise their standards or shut their doors.
		-- John Silber, chancellor of Boston University and
 		   chairman of the Massachusetts Board of Education 
%
To pretend that ActiveX offers meaningful security is to stick your 
head in the sand.
		-- Peter van der Linden (pvdl@best.com) 
%
The people involved in the crypto debate are all intelligent, honorable 
and pro-escrow, but they never possess more than two of these qualities 
at once.
		-- Kenneth Neil Cukier (100736.3602@compuserve.com) 
%
Stop! Think! There must be a harder way to do this! 
%
We're standing there pounding a dead parrot on the counter, and the 
management response is to frantically swap in new counters to see if 
that fixes the problem.
		-- Peter Gutmann in the Monastery 
%
The [Clinton] administration keeps spending taxpayer money to pursue 
a ... [data encryption and security] strategy that's wrong-headed and 
won't protect security.  Its own advisory committee can't answer basic 
questions about how to make it work for the government, yet they 
continue to push for its adoption by everyone, worldwide.
		-- Alan Davidson, Staff Counsel,
		   Center for Democracy and Technology
%
The loss of transmission from the Galaxy IV satellite last month made 
some customers realize how much they depended on Muzak.  In Lafayette, 
Indiana, one upset and elderly Burger King customer told the manager: 
"Now I just have to sit here and hear myself think."  
		[Source: *The Globe and Mail*, 24 Jun 1998] 
%
Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to execute a job?
A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.  
%
You may not believe it, but I do this for fun.
%
Still, if you're going to take an idea to excess, it might as well be 
daft right from the start.
		-- Steve Caskey
%
"Atlas Shrugged" should have had some exploding toilets.  Preferrably 
going off in the near vicinity of whichever character was launching 
into a monologue.
		-- Gary W. Olson 
%
For Linux to have a chance against the battleship from Redmond, it 
needs a powerful escort fleet.
		-- The Economist 
%
Computerese Irregular Verb Conjugation:
  I have preferences.
  You have biases.
  He/She has prejudices. 
%
NT Admins?  These guys couldn't admin a calculator without toll-free 
phone support.
		-- Siggi B in the Scary Devil Monastery 
%
Some people say anything's possible.
I bet they've never tried to put their elbows in their mouths. 
%
You Might Be A Geek If:
   1. You saw Barney's Great Adventure; and liked it.
   2. Your favorite games are Pac-man and Tetris.
   3. They only rememberance of your childhood was the first Star Trek.
   4. You can type HTML.
   5. No one goes to your homepage. 
   6. You MAKE time for your computer 
%
Unix IS user friendly... It's just selective about who its friends are.
%
You know the one film where I had total control?  "Kane"?  The studio 
hated it but they didn't get to touch a frame.
		-- Orson Welles 
%
Even though there may be some misguided critics of what we're trying 
to do, I think we're on the wrong path.
		-- Reagan 
%
You think because you understand "one" you must understand two.  Because 
one and one make "two". But you must also understand "and".
		-- Sufi Sage
%
When you say `I wrote a program that crashed Windows', people just stare 
at you blankly and say `Hey, I got those with the system, "for free"'
		-- Linus Torvalds 
%
Menu items are the modern programmer's way -- even that of the Java 
programmer, who is too pure of heart to use pointers -- of putting an 
obscene number of unpredictable GOTO statements everywhere in his code.
%
Luser, n.:
  Human-like creature that doesn't dare to use elevator, because of its 
  belief that only horrible geeks can master arcane and obscure art of 
  using control panel.
%
Web pages aren't serious. No matter what mechanics are used. 
%
Taunt not the sysadmin, for he can become you and make your life interesting.
%
Did you hear that theres a group of South American Indians that worship 
the number zero? Is nothing sacred?
%
People post crap on the internet. You don't take it personally.
		-- Tim Pinos 
%
Windows has detected that a gnat has farted near your computer. 
Press any key to reboot.
%
Too much research is wasted because the people who did it looked at 
their results, got scared, and dumped the data.  Half of progress is 
getting over your fear of what might be on the other side.
		-- Megan P. Jamieson 
%
[Weishaupt] imagined the shoggoth was a rabbit and said 'du hexen Hase' 
which has been preserved as an in-joke by Illuminati agents in Hollywood.
		-- Simon Moon 
%
Noone expects to be LARTed by a chicken.  Especially not one whose chief 
weapons are "who", "ps -aux", and "kill -9"... and an almost fanatical 
devotion to "fastboot". 
%
I've found that one of the most effective filters in my KILL file for 
reading newsgroups is one that requires all subject lines to have at 
least a single lower case character.  Any message whose subject is in 
all caps is 90%likely to be spam, and 10%likely to be from someone 
who thinks his message is much more important then the rest of us do.
		-- Ben Klausner (klausner@austin.ibm.com) 
%
The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.
		-- Alan Coult 
%
Login to www.clue.org and issue the GET command.
%
Murphy's Law of Comparitive Accessibility
  Law:       Any machine which is least accessible will fail (at the most 
             inconvenient time). 
  Corollary: Any machine which is moved to the most inaccessible position 
             in order to fix the first machine will itself fail, usually 
             at the most inconvenient time (after you've just sweated 
             blood getting the first machine back into the land of the 
             booting.
%
In April the Kentucky legislature approved a bill to permit preachers 
to carry concealed weapons in church.  Some ministers had claimed they 
needed protection when transporting their offering-plate proceeds, but 
the executive director of the Kentucky Council of Churches said she was 
"appalled" by the legislature's decison. 
%
"IE 4 brings the web to UNIX!"
The "web" refered to in the M$ quote is obviously M$'s web of deceipt, 
manipulation, greed and control. 
%
Information is not knowledge
Knowledge is not wisdom
Wisdom is not truth
Truth is not beauty
Beauty is not love
Love is not music
Music is THE BEST...
Wisdom is the domain of the Wis (which is extinct).
Beauty is a French phonetic corruption of a short cloth neck 
ornament currently in resurgence...  
%
Scientific progress goes "ploink"? 
%
The population rises exponentially, the number of clues rises 
geometrically, and the number of clueful rises arithmetically. This 
is why the world has problems.
		-- Alistair J. R. Young on ASR.  
%
Running Windows NT as a server because it's easy to use is like hiring 
Miss America to run your company because she's cute. 
%
The greatest sin a computer scientist can commit is to provide too few 
bits somewhere.
%
Do not meddle in the affairs of `wizards', for they are sucky and 
quick to mangle. 
%
All programs evolve until they can send email.
Except Microsoft Exchange.
%
If I were meta-agnostic, I'd be confused over whether I'm agnostic or 
not but I'm not quite sure if I feel that way; hence I must be 
meta-metagagnostic (I guess).
		-- Douglas R. Hofstadter, Goedel, Escher, Bach  
%
There are two aspects (among many) that distinguish toy programming 
languages from those used to build truly complex systems.  The more 
robust languages have: 
  1. The ability to dynamically allocate data structures without 
     having to associate them with variable names.  We refer to these 
     as "anonymous" data structures.
  2. The ability to point to any data structure, independent of whether 
     it is allogcated dynamically or statically. 
		-- By Sriram Srinivasan, "Advanced Perl Programming"
%
When the government won't reveal relevant facts, the private sector 
must independently conduct the research and publish the results so that 
we can all see the social trade-offs involved in policy choices.
		-- John Gilmore, EFF co-founder, on encryption policy 
%
The government has used that claim to justify policies of weak 
encryption and 'key recovery,' which erode privacy and security in the 
digital age.  It is now time for an honest and fully informed debate, 
which we believe will lead to a reversal of these policies.
		-- Barry Steinhardt, EFF Executive Director 
%
If God had a beard, he'd be a UNIX programmer. 
%
Direct from the stupid facts file:
   Most American car horns honk in the key of F. 
%
What's fundamentally wrong is that nobody ever had any taste when 
they did it. Microsoft has been very much into making the user 
interface look good, but internally it's just a complete mess.
		-- Linus Torvalds on Windows 95 
%
I don't think Microsoft is evil in itself; I just think they make 
really crappy operating systems.
		-- Linus Torvalds 
%
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist 
the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
		-- HL Mencken 
%
Q: How many Unix Support staff does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Read the man page!
%
Q: How many Support staff does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None.  The bulb was fine, you just forgot to turn the switch on.
%
Q: Is there a UNIX FORTRAN optimizer?
A: Yeah, "rm *.f"
%
Q: Is there a proper procedure for asking the Support staff questions?
A: Questions will not be answered by the Support staff unless the proper 
%
Q: How do I send electronic mail?
A: I'm busy now, please send me e-mail.
%
Q: Why do Support staff email messages always end in quotes no
   one understands?
A: "The way is void" --Musashi 
%
Silence is evidence of a superb command of the language 
%
I've been called a fascist, elitist, techno-slave, disconnected from 
reality, and much worse.  But when I am "accused" of learning under my 
own power and this is somehow hurting other people by pointing out 
their inability/unwillingness to embrace what has become a large part 
of everyone's universe, I cannot help but fear for the worst for the 
whole race.
		-- Tom O'Neil in a.s.r.
%
Stults Report:
  Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is fight 
  the solutions. 
%
Cave magnum fratrem 
%
Then there is the word innovation.  A key word, it's showing up too 
often in too many places in association with Microsoft and Windows 
98.  Obviously, the Microsoft spin doctors are trying to associate the 
word innovation with Windows 98 in the minds of the public.  This is 
cute, since there is very little innovation in Windows 98.  Everything 
in the OS is either a geegaw, a bug fix, or some new support, such as 
that for USB.
		-- John Dvorak, PC Magazine  
%
When you taunt the referee, he usually watches you even more closely. 
That's what happened to Microsoft, whose "up yours!" attitude toward 
the Department of Justice has inspired investigators to dig even deeper. 
Now they're looking at Microsoft's efforts to take over Java.  These 
relentless investigations sap Microsoft, and distract the DOJ from worse 
dangers such as Intel.  And Microsoft's childish, insulting behavior is 
largely to blame.
		-- Jesse Berst, ZDNet AnchorDesk 
%
The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland"; 
but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.  
%
The best book on programming for the layman is the Bible; 
but that's because it's the best book on anything.
%
I don't have a license to kill.
I have a learner's permit.
%
Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.
		-- Ogden Nash  
%
It is company policy to discriminate against all employees equally.
%
On the subject of Windows NT networking:
  Linux + SAMBA.  They'll never know the difference.
		-- Timothy J. Miller
  Of course they will.  They will notice that it doesn't crash quite as much.
		-- Justin Sheehy
%
The difference between the Spice Girls and a porno film is that the 
porno film has better music.
		-- Phil Specter 
%
Even I have to ask - when was the last time you received a moral, 
ethical OR legal spam?
		-- Sanford Wallace, formerly of CyberPromotions 
%
The only means of strengthening one's intellect is to make up one's 
mind about nothing -- to let the mind be a thoroughfare for all 
thoughts. Not a select party.
		-- John Keats (1795-1821) 
%
Being against torture ought to be sort of a bipartisan thing.
		-- Karl Lehenbauer 
%
Where is the life we have lost in living?
Where is the wisdom we have lost in knowledge?
Where is the knowledge we have lost in information?
		-- T. S. Eliot.  
%
Whenever the system attempts to allocate more than 16 KB of memory, it 
has the potential to fail without displaying the System Out of Memory 
dialog box and without sending a low memory warning to the user.
		-- The Windows CE Programmer's Guide 
%
Small memory allocations almost never fail.  Before this type of 
allocation fails, the user has been sent both low-memory and critical-
memory warnings, in the form of System Out of Memory dialog boxes, and 
has had an opportunity to respond.
		-- The Windows CE Programmer's Guide 
%
Include memory management capabilities in your application to supplement 
those in the system.
		-- The Windows CE Programmer's Guide 
%
If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.  
%
It's the millenium; motives are incidental.
		-- Randy, "Scream" 
%
Coworker 1: So, where are you staying?
Coworker 2: La Quinta Inn.
Coworker 1: La Quinta?  Isn't that Spanish for "Next to Denny's"?
%
If the people of France get loud, rude, and obnoxious now that their 
country has won the World Cup, how will we know? 
%
1. If the boss doesn't use it, don't buy it.
2. We must integrate the tactical and nontactical. 
3. We must stay common with industry.
4. We must drive everything to a single PC.
5. We must use commercial off-the-shelf (COTS) products for almost 
    everything we do.
6. We must have seamless transition from shore to sea.
7. We cannot allow stovepipes to develop within our C4I architecture. 
		-- Admiral Archie Clemins, US Naval Institute 
		   Proceedings, May 1997.
%
Physicists at the University of Rochester have discovered that it is 
possible, using their multimillion dollar fusion research laser 
equipment, to destroy objects that are very far away, for example, 
in Utah.
%
I'd offer to change your mind for you, but I don't have a fresh diaper.
		-- Leah to pro-spammer in news.admin.net-abuse.email 
%
I didn't pass the standards committee, so there's only one of me. 
You`ll have to wait your turn. 
%
RE: Yorktown Bug
  Risks? I'll fall back on British understatement and say that there is 
  a distinct chance that software and hardware which is  
     a. purchased off the shelf
     b. designed for civilian applications
     c. tailored for the specific requirements of higher management and
     d. brought to market in a relatively immature state
may not perform consistently to military specifications.
		-- Phil Edwards
%
Be cheerful while you are alive.
		-- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C. 
%
If you take the long view, the universe is just something small and 
round, like those water-filled balls which produce a miniature 
snowstorm when you shake them.  But if you look from really close up, 
the only problem about dancing on the head of a pin is all those big 
gaps between electrons.
		-- Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett's "Good Omens" 
%
Well, sometimes seeing something suck may be amusing, but that's hardly
proof that it doesn't. 
%
In war, go for the head.
		-- Joe Thompson
As in love, actually.
		-- Stephan 
%
In theory, there is no difference between practice and theory.
		-- void
I want to move to theory, I hear everything works there.
		-- Mark Atwood 
Maybe, but there are more jobs in Jeopardy.
		-- Malcolm Ray
%
The thing I like about it?  Four blinky lights.  Woo!
		-- Ryan Tucker 
%
A cloned calf whose birth was anounced with great fanfare earlier 
this week died after only 16 hours, according to Japanese researchers.
The calf was survived by ... himself. 
%
Last time I checked, NT handled multiple connections about as well as 
I speak Swahili.
		-- Scott Nipp, in comp.unix.admin 
%
I dont believe in sweeping social change being manifested by one 
person, unless he has an atomic weapon.
		-- Howard Chaykin  
%
In the future, technology will become the leading cause of death.
		-- Scott Adams, The Dilbert Future 
%
Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
		-- Aesop 
%
PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW:
  Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the 
  Amount of Disorder in the Universe.  Although No Liability Is Implied 
  Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead 
  to the Heat Death of the Universe. 
%
CONSUMER NOTICE:
  Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the 
  Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This 
  Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.
%
Discipline is never an end in itself, only a means to an end. 
%
If you want to be the best runner you can be, start now.  Don't spend 
the rest of your life wondering if you can do it.
		-- Priscilla Welch, who won the NYC Marathon at age 42 
%
It's quite amazing the amount of spam that seems to bounce because it's 
addressed to usenet@..., which has never been used alone in the real 
world.
		-- Alistair 
%
The three things were damnably clever constructions of their kind, and 
were furnished with ingenious mettalic clamps to attach them to organic 
developments of which I dare not form any conjecture.
		-- H.P. Lovecraft 
%
"My system" is technical purity incarnate and the embodiment of all that 
is good in the universe.  "Your system" is a loose collection of hacks 
done by experimental gerbil subjects on amphetamines.  Remember those 
two constants in any debate of this nature and much of what gets said 
will come into the proper perspective.  
		-- John Hubbard, in c.o.l.m  
%
A hard heart is no infallible protection against a soft head.
		-- C. S. Lewis 
%
It is inelegant and it was hacked on. But it was hacked on with careful 
consideration.
		-- PLA on perl and OO 
%
"My terminal isn't working"
"Is there power to the keyboard?"
"No, and it has smoke and flames coming out of it"
%
If you're flamed in a group you don't read, does anybody get burnt?
		-- Paul Tomblin on a.s.r. 
%
The side with the simplest uniforms wins. 
%
The only truly safe "embedded system" is the system that has an axe 
embedded in it...
		-- Tanuki  
%
I suspect the advantage of being totally oblivious to the realities of 
two computer systems jobs is escaping me now.
		-- Rebecca Ore 
%
Given two unrelated technical terms, an Internet search engine will 
retrieve only resumes.
		-- Schachter's Hypothesis 
%
Human beings were invented by water as a means of transporting itself 
from one place to another. 
		-- Tom Robbins 
%
Hlades Law:
 If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- 
 they will find an easier way to do it.  
%
[Cannon and Bard] examined the behaviour of cats after transections of 
the brain at different levels .. [they] found that removal of the 
forebrain .. yields an animal that is irritable.
		-- Sheppard , "Neurobiology" 
%
Productivity is in the eye of the Beholder 
%
I once received a letter from an eminent logician, Mrs Christine Ladd 
Franklin, saying that she was a solipsist, and was surprised that there 
were not others.
		-- Bertrand Russell 
%
GNU Emacs is a LISP operating system disguised as a word processor.
		-- Doug Mohney, in comp.arch 
%
Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper is 
from the wrong kind of tree.
		-- Professor, EECS, George Washington University 
%
The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or 
fight its enemies is lunch.
		-- Michael Friedman 
%
I'd rather she'd used me for sex.  Using me for my mind really 
bothered me.
		-- Cael 
%
Forgive us if we bite your head off; we were led to assume you weren't 
using it in the first place.
		-- Jim Allenspach, in comp.lang.perl.misc 
%
An ex-colleague describes Windows95 as "a self-destruct waiting to 
happen... and that's without anybody pressing the button".  NT is merely 
the enterprise version - bigger bangs, more bucks. 
%
A little neglect may breed great mischief.
		-- Benjamin Franklin 
%
We who stride like giants across the world and allow all the systems 
to speak, each unto the other.
		-- Chad Robinson, BOFH 
%
Life Is Pain, Highness.  Anyone who says otherwise is selling something.
		-- The Dread Pirate Wesley, in the Princess Bride. 
%
Why the British are superior to Americans:
  1. They speak English.
  2. When they host a world championship they invite other countries.
  3. Visitors to the head of state are only expected to go down on 
     one knee.
		-- John Cleese
%
Clothes make the man, naked people have little or no influence 
in society.
		-- Mark Twain 
%
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion, it is by the beans 
of Java that thoughts acquire speed, the hands acquire shaking, the 
shaking becomes a warning, it is by caffeine alone I set my mind in 
motion.
		-- Adam Haberlach haberlaa(at)ricochet.net 
%
First you ridicule, then you satirize, *then* you LART!
		-- Tanuki
%
In this country, it is good to kill an admiral from time to time, to 
motivate the others.
		-- Voltaire 
%
Developing error messages?  Doesn't Windows have enough of these 
already?  And we need a whole fscking book on how to do this?
		-- Derick Siddoway on NT books 
%
Let's just say that some of us had an intense weekend, some of us got 
lucky, and there's very little overlap between the two.
		-- Cael 
%
The gods do not deduct from man's allotted span the hours spent in 
fishing.
		-- Babylonian proverb 
%
It is extremely high quality and extremely flexible. This is ready for 
the enterprise.
		-- Steve Lambright, Informix's senior manager for server 
		   product marketing talking about Linux.  
%
On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], `Pray, 
Mr.  Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right 
answers come out?'  I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of 
confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.
		-- Charles Babbage 
%
Fate? Destiny?  Those are just excuses for people who can't accept 
responsibility for their actions.
		--  Devon Melbourne
%
Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
%
Meta tags are not a magic solution. 
%
Keep Ted Turner and his God-damned Crayolas away from my movie.
		-- Orson Welles, about "Citizen Kane" 
%
Cars are good!  They let us cause trouble faster and better!
%
Windows is the answer, but only if the question was 'what is the 
intellectual equivalent of being a galley slave?'
		-- Larry Smith, in comp.os.linux.misc 
%
Some drink from the Fountain of Knowledge... 
Others just gargle. 
And some pee in it. 
%
It takes 5 NT servers to offer the performance and availability of 
a single UNIX server.
		-- Network Computing, July 15 1998. 
%
If you lie to the compiler, it will get its revenge.
		-- Henry Spencer  
%
You'd be fools to ignore the boolean anti-binary least-square approach!
		-- Michael Driscoll, Engineering Geek. 
%
Actually, Microsoft is sort of a mixture between the Borg and the Ferengi.
%
Joe Conforte, who owned the bordello from 1955 to 1990, was indicted by 
a federal grand jury Wednesday on charges including racketeering, 
conspiracy, money laundering, and tampering with a lemur.
%
299,792,458 meters per second. It's not just a good idea, it's the law. 
%
In 11/17/97 Info World:
"More Explorer 4.0 bugs affect images, text, and font files"
Hmm.  So I can either use Netscape or just avoid any websites that 
use images, text or fonts. 
%
I was never the sort to save fortune cookie fortunes, until I came 
across the following two in a single cookie back on January 30, 1994: 
  There is yet time enough for you to take a different path. 
  Depart not from the path which fate has you assigned.
I guess it's one of them "koan" things... 
%
Microsoft ships Internet Explorer 2.0, bringing ease of use, performance 
and excitement to the Macintosh platform.  
I know I'm overjoyed. 
%
Dow higher, helped by drugs.
%
WINDOWS 98
  So good the Feds want to make it illegal!
%
# I'm learning perl and am curious what is the purpose of Perl?? What 
#  can it do and what has it done.
Perl can bend steel bars and move mountains. Perl can tie back the hands 
of time. Perl is good for the goose and for the gander. Perl can beat 
up Mike Tyson with one hand tied behind its back. Perl can make a rock 
so heavy it can't lift it.
Perl has saved the rainforests, it has been to the moon, and it has 
cured all major diseases. It has exceeded all known bounds. It has 
mapped the universe and created an exact duplicate. Perl has danced 
with angels and dined with Shakespeare.
Didn't you read the manual? 
%
There's evidently some sort of huge chasm between R and TFM that lusers 
think is uncrossable.
"I'm not going there!  It's dark and scary, and there's...there's 
 CLUES in there!" saith the luser.  
%
Language is the soul's ozone layer and we thin it at our peril
		-- Sven Birkerts 
%
In his book titled "Quick C", Al Stevens gives us a quick rundown on 
the origin, purpose and usefulness of so many programming languages.
COBOL was designed so that managers could read code.
BASIC was designed for people who are not programmers.
FORTRAN is for scientists.
ADA comes from a committee - a government committee no less.
PILOT is for teachers.
PASCAL is for students. 
LOGO is for children
APL is for Martians.
FORTH, LISP and PROLOG are specialty languages.
C, however, is for programmers.
%
I'm not at my desktop today, and I forgot to update my .sig on this 
laptop.  I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause.  
%
While UNIX is more reliable, NT may become more reliable with time.
		-- Ron Redman, deputy technical director of the Fleet 
		   Introduction Division of the Aegis Program Executive 
		   Office, US Navy.
Where is the line between mere incompetence and actual treason?
		-- John C. Randolph in a.s.r. responds 
%
Klingon Coder Sayings #1:
   Specifications are for the weak and timid!! 
%
Klingon Coder Sayings #2:
   Indentation?!  I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull! 
%
Klingon Coder Sayings #3:
   What is this talk of 'release'?  Klingons do not make software 
   'releases'. Our software escapes, leaving a bloody trail of 
   designers and quality assurance people in its wake!
%
Klingon Coder Sayings #4:
   Klingon function calls do not have "parameters" - they have 
   "arguments"- and they ALWAYS WIN THEM. 
%
Klingon Coder Sayings #5:
   You question the worthiness of my code?  
   I should kill you where you stand! 
%
Klingon Coder Sayings #6:
   Our users will know fear and cower before our software!  Ship it! 
   Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are! 
%