The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.
         -- Maugham 
%
I know everything,
I know nothing,
I used to put sticks under the back porch 
and wait for them to petrify.
         -- Anonymous 
%
The only difference between a Communist and a Socialist is that the 
Socialist will only confiscate the resources that are profitable.
         -- Anonymous 
%
Zeno's, located directly over the center of the Earth
         -- Advertising slogan for a bar in State College, PA 
%
If anyone disagrees with anything I say, I am quite prepared not only
to retract it, but also to deny under oath that I ever said it. 
         -- Tom Lehrer 
%
I don't practice what I preach because I'm not the kind of 
person I'm preaching to.
         -- J. R. 'BoB' Dobbs 
%
If you're going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance.
         -- Anonymous 
%
Adhere to Schweinheitsgebot. Don't put anything in your beer that a 
pig wouldn't eat 
         -- David Geary 
%
When the University of Utah announced the successful cold fusion 
experiment a couple of years ago, skeptics said, 'Cold fusion? In 
Utah? Hell, you can't even get cold beer in Utah!'
         -- Anonymous 
%
Where the press is free and every man able to read, all is safe.
         -- Thomas Jefferson 
%
The opinions expressed here are not necessarily those of 
the Texas A&M University System. I'm not even sure they are 
mine, as I think I had my opinion removed as a small child.
         -- Anonymous 
%
Who cares if Windows is or isn't an operating system -
it barely operates at all!
         -- Anonymous 
%
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, 
therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
         -- E.W. Dijkista 
%
Life's not to be enjoyed, it's to be gotten on with!
         -- Mark's father, Doonesbury 
%
I'm gay and I think that's nifty.
         -- Anonymous, carved into desk 
%
The longer I talk to you the emptier my head gets.
         -- Meryl to Josh Gentry 
%
I shall sit here, on and off, for days and days.
         -- The doorman, Alice's Adventures Underground 
%
"Begin at the beginning," the king said gravely, "continue
until you come to the end, then stop."
         -- Alice's Adventures Underground 
%
A draft is for wars (or from Miller) and is to be avoided at all 
costs, a draught is from a keg and is to be pursued at any cost. 
         -- Matt Dick 
%
No human investigation can be called real science if it cannot be 
demonstrated mathematically.
         -- Leonardo Da Vinci 
%
This article is a natural product. The slight variations in spelling and
grammar enhance its individual character and beauty and in no way are to
be considered flaws or defects.
         -- Anonymous 
%
Oh many a peer of England brews, 
Livelier liquor than the Muse,
And malt does more than Milton can,
To justify God's ways to man,
Ale, man, ale's the stuff to drink,
For fellows whom it hurts to think.
         -- Alfred Edward Housman 
%
The national budget must be balanced. The public debt must be reduced;
the arrogance of the authorities must be moderated and controlled. 
Payments to foreign governments must be reduced, if the nation doesn't
want to go bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living
on public assistance.
         -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, 55 BC 
%
They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little
temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
         -- Benjamin Franklin 
%
Blessed are the honest, for they can trust in others.
         -- adapted from James Choi 
%
One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing 
to do and always a clever thing to say.  
         -- Will Durant 
%
Democracy is four wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch.
         -- Anonymous 
%
The meek shall inherit the Earth -- the rest of us will go to the stars. 
         -- Robert Heinlein 
%
Anyone that does not have a basic understanding of mathematics is 
merely a sub-human creature that has been taught not to make a mess 
in the house.
         -- Robert Heinlein 
%
You psych yourself into giving four returns
of hysterical brilliance, in succession.
         -- Boris Becker on how to break on grass 
%
To find out how well you're doing, look at the competition.
To find out how your competition is doing, look in the mirror.
         -- Benjamin Schottland on small business success 
%
Learn what they don't teach.
         -- Benjamin Schottland on apprenticeship (to son Archie) 
%
From bad people you don't get good things.
         -- Benjamin Schottland on business transactions 
%
If someone explains something to you and you don't understand it, 
either they don't know or don't want you to know.
         -- Eddie Schottland on everyday transactions 
%
Eighteen months down the road you are always potentially out 
of business.
         -- Robert Schottland on complacency 
%
Small minds discuss people
Average minds discuss events
Great minds discuss ideas.
         -- Anonymous 
%
Might may not make right, but it sure makes what is.
         -- Edward Abbey 
%
You can tell how far we have to go when FORTRAN is the language 
of supercomputers.
         -- Steven Feiner 
%
The great tragedy of Science - the slaying of a beautiful hypothesis 
by an ugly fact.  
         -- T. H. Huxley 
%
recursive - adj, see recursive 
         -- Anonymous 
%
"Fad saol agat, gob fliuch, agus bas in Eirinn!" 
"May you live forever, may you never run out of drink, and - 
 when you die may it be in Ireland." 
         -- WildCelt@delphi.com 
%
Trust in God, but tie up your camel.
         -- Anonymous 
%
Question with boldness even the existence of a God, because, if there 
be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason than that of 
blindfolded fear.  
         -- Thomas Jefferson 
%
The story so far:
'In the beginning the Universe was created.' This has made a lot 
of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
         -- Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe 
%
Innocence is not being free from guilt, it is not knowing that 
you are guilty.
         -- adapted from Josh Gentry 
%
Women should be supported regardless of proof.
         -- Anita Hill 
%
What? Is man merely a mistake of God's?
Or God merely a mistake of man's?
         -- F. Nietzsche 
%
I did not rise to the top of the food chain just to eat vegetables!
         -- Anonymous on vegetarianism 
%
Every time I see you you look more like a clown. 
         -- Liam to Josh 
%
God is real, unless declared an integer.
         -- Anonymous 
%
Diplomacy is saying 'nice doggy' until you find a rock.
         -- Will Rogers 
%
Remembering past loves is a lot like exhuming a friend's body: 
painful, yes, but necessary to make sure you buried the right 
person.
         -- Matt Dick 
%
Most people suck.
         -- Matt Dick 
%
Half of the people in the world are below average.
         -- Anonymous 
%
'...NOT!' - bringing sarcasm to the masses.
         -- Steve Loper 
%
There's nothing like your wife leaving you to put a little carpe 
back in your diem.
         -- Geoff Dick 
%
There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in 
their home.  
         -- Ken Olson, President of DEC, 
            World Future Society Convention, 1977 
%
This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered 
as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.
         -- Western Union internal memo, 1876 
%
... it used to be that way, I mean we were in love... 
but now we're married.
         -- Anonymous 
%
Just because something can reproduce, doesn't mean it should.
         -- Kurt Vonnegut, 
%
Recursion is a lot like recursion, only a little simpler.
         -- Alan Ezust 
%
My heart is pretty far to the left but my wallet's closer to the
centre. My wife's car represents the extreme right, so I'm all 
over the political spectrum. 
         -- Ian Anderson 
%
Given the opportunity to go ANYWHERE and do ANYTHING, most people 
will choose to cluster together and imitate each other.  
         -- Anonymous 
%
Men stare at those parts of the female anatomy which carry the 
subcutaneous fat necessary for childbearing and lactation. 
This is not news.
         -- Professor Ralph Noble 
%
Supposedly, it is possible to score goals [in field hockey]. 
However, this rarely happens because hitting people is so 
positively reinforcing.
         -- Professor Ralph Noble 
%
The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a
soldering iron, a hardware type with a program patch and a user with
an idea." 
         -- Rick Cook in _The Wizardry Compiled_ 
%
There's plenty wrong with public schools, and this is not a solution
to any of it.
         -- James Parsons on the prayer in schools debate 
%
Sometimes I wish I had a knob to turn up the intelligence of the
Internet. I have one on my monitor marked brightness, but that
doesn't seem to work very well, does it?
         -- Bryan Manske 
%
Computers memorize because that is what they are good at and humans
perform pattern recognition because that is what they are good at. 
         -- adapted from Steve Loper 
%
If voting could change the system, it would be against the law.
         -- Anonymous 
%
It's uncivilized, shooting persons of substance.
         -- English Bob, _Unforgiven_ 
%
I will not be pushed, filed, indexed, briefed, debriefed or
numbered. My life is my own.
         -- Number 6, _The Prisoner_ 
%
You cannot walk looking at the stars
if there is a pebble in your shoe.
         -- Chinese proverb 
%
There is no difference between someone who eats too little and
sees Heaven and someone who drinks too much and sees snakes.
         -- Bertrand Russell 
%
Little-minded people's thoughts move in such small circles
that five minutes' conversation gives you an arc long enough
to determine their whole curve.
         -- Oliver Wendell, Sr. Holmes (1809-94) 
%
Knowledge is true opinion. 
         -- Plato 
%
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.  
         -- Arthur C. Clarke 
%
Any sufficiently avant-garde art is indistinguishable from crap.
         -- James H. Choi 
%
Any significantly advanced scam is indistinguishable from religion.
         -- Vandy Terre 
%
Let no person who is not a mathematician read my works.
         -- Leonardo da Vinci 
%
I disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death
your right to say it.
         -- Voltaire 
%
Heisenberg was here, I think.
         -- Anonymous 
%
Memorization is manual labor.
         -- Matt Dick 
%
Don't hit at all if it is honorably possible to avoid hitting,
but never hit soft.
         -- Theodore Roosevelt 
%
I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is. 
I only know that people call me a feminist when I express sentiments
that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute.
         -- British author Dame Rebecca West 
%
Reality is an illusion created by typing 'logout'
         -- Monica Chung 
%
If this means that any punk can go to the corner store
and buy a cassette that will let him have sex with Elle
McPherson for $24.95, then this whole Virtual Reality
thing is going to make cocaine look like Sanka.
         -- Dennis Miller, SNL 
%
So now I stick with old stand-bys TENNIS (which also sends me duplicate
copies for some inexplicable reason so it bores me to tears twice as often
as it should) and TENNIS WEEK (which despite its name is really intended
to be a bi-weekly and which arrives on a schedule set perhaps in
coordination with some ancient Mayan agricultural calendar but which has
no bearing with any 14-day notion of 2 weeks that I am familiar with.)
         -- Darryl R. 
%
Perfect is the enemy of good.
         -- Jim Hammond 
%
Right now, someone, somewhere, is training, and when you meet him 
in head-to-head competition, he will defeat you.
         -- Anonymous 
%
A poke in the eye with a sharp stick beats a poke in the eye with
a hot sharp stick.
         -- Robert Schottland, Jr. 
%
Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants to see us happy.
         -- Benjamin Franklin 
%
In every good writer is the willingness to say that
unspeakable thing which everyone else in the house
is too coy, or too frightened, or too polite to say.
         -- Tobias Wolff 
%
There are trivial truths and there are great truths.
The opposite of a trivial truth is plainly false. The
opposite of a great truth is also true.
         -- Niels Bohr 
%
Windows 95 - From the people who brought you EDLIN.
         -- Wlodzimierz Holsztynski 
%
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without 
even considering if there are men on base.  
         -- Dave Barry 
%
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going 
to be when you kill them.
         -- William Clayton 
%
One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
lacking a zero, they had no way to indicate the successful 
termination of their C programs.
         -- Robert Firth 
%
And don't tell me there isn't one bit of difference between null 
and space, because that's exactly how much difference there is.
         -- Larry Wall 
%
The idea that Bill Gates has appeared like a knight in shining armour 
to lead all customers out of a mire of technological chaos neatly 
ignores the fact that it was he, by peddling second-rate technology, 
who led them into it in the first place.
         -- Douglas Adams, on Windows 95 
%
We are BORG. Resistence is futile. You WILL be assimilated. 
But we're not home right now. So please leave a message and
we'll assimilate you later.
         -- anonymous 
%
The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
         -- Harlan Ellison 
%
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and 
I'm not sure about the former.
         -- Albert Einstein 
%
England is the country where the hotel operators will 'ring you up 
in the morning.' We call it a 'wake up call.' If you stay in a hotel
that doesn't have room phones, they'll 'knock you up in the morning.'
         -- Gary Segal 
%
Sanity is a one-trick pony, really, isn't it? With sanity you get 
one  trick, rationality, but with insanity, the sky's the limit.
         -- The Tick 
%
A government big enough to give you everything you want, is a
government big enough to take away everything you have.
         -- Anonymous 
%
It is better to keep silent and be thought a fool than to speak 
and remove all doubt.
         -- Anonymous 
%
The world is full of educated derelicts.
         -- Anonymous 
%
First I awoke... then I slew.
         -- The Maxx 
%
With a PC, I always felt limited by the software available. 
On Unix, I am limited only by my own knowledge.
         -- Peter J. Schoenster 
%
Statistics are like bikinis -- what they reveal is suggestive, 
what they conceal is vital!
         -- Anonymous 
%
Few blame themselves until they have exhausted all other possibilities.
         -- Anonymous 
%
I plan to live forever, or die trying.
         -- Anonymous 
%
Duct tape is like The Force; it has a light side and a dark side, 
and it holds the universe together.
         -- JF Inverso or Carl Zwanzig
%
'9.8 meters per second squared' -- it's not just a good idea, it's the law.
         -- Anonymous 
%
It was just dumb luck that Unix managed to break through the Stupidity 
Barrier and become popular in spite of its inherent elegance.
         -- gavin@krypton.sgi.com 
%
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, 
particularly in women. Chief among them is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL
convertible.
         -- PJ O'Rourke 
%
Once you've played in a band with a guy named Hank, you're not gonna 
play in any symphony.
         -- Anonymous 
%
No, I live alone. I had roommates once, but they were torn apart by 
invisible demons in the living room.I have to go wash my hands now.
         -- Dan Williamson 
%
640K ought to be enough for anybody.
         -- Bill Gates 
%
If Windows sucked it would be good for something.
         -- Carlos Griffin 
%
At times we must engage an act of faith that key things are doable 
that are not provable.
         -- Bob Galvin 
%
Sacred Cows Make the Best Hamburgers.
         -- Anonymous 
%
Some of the more environmentally aware dinosaurs were worried about 
the consequences of an accident with the new iridium-enriched fusion 
reactor. 'If it goes off only the cockroaches and mammals will 
survive...' they said.  
         -- Anonymous 
%
I like to think as my body as a temple... or at least as a relatively 
well-managed Presbyterian youth center.  
         -- Steve Drost 
%
Life is a repeating process of waiting for weekends.
         -- Bram S. Aaron 
%
A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg.
         -- Samuel Butler 
%
I'm not donatin' my organs.  What happens if I donate my kidneys and 
when I get to heaven there's an open bar?
         -- Red Green 
%
If pro and con are opposites, is Congress the opposite of progress?
         -- Richard Lederer 
%
Obstacles are the things you see when you lose sight of your goals.
         -- Gary Barnett 
%
Cylon #1: That was an unexpected maneuver.
Cylon #2: He is a very good warrior.
Cylon #1: That is a small consolation. We are going to crash.
         -- Battlestar Galactica 
%
When the government fears the people, there is liberty.  When the people 
fear the government, there is tyranny.
         -- Thomas Jefferson 
%
Growth for the sake of growth is the ideology of the cancer cell.
         -- Ed Abbey 
%
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
         -- Anonymous 
%
Do or Do not. There is no try.
         -- Yoda 
%
Life is God's way of preserving meat.
         -- Anonymous 
%
If 2 + 2 is 4 and 2 x 2 is also 4, what's the big deal about 
multiplication anyway?
         -- Scott Adams 
%
What we have here is a failure to assimilate.
         -- Cool Hand Locutus 
%
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
         -- Scott Adams 
%
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse 
will happen to you the rest of the day.
         -- Scott Adams 
%
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a 
damn fool about it.
         -- Scott Adams 
%
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
         -- Scott Adams 
%
A yawn may be defined as a silent yell.
         -- G. K. Chesterton 
%
Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought 
for those people who can't remember where they leave things.
         -- anonymous 
%
The crux... is that the vast majority of the mass of the universe 
seems to be missing.
         -- William J. Broad 
%
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to 
build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying 
to produce bigger and better idiots.  So far, the Universe is winning.
         -- Rich Cook 
%
In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest 
proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which 
happen from time to time.
         -- Edward P. Tryon 
%
MilliHamlet: The typical coherency of one monkey typing on one 
typewriter for a finite amount of time.
         -- Anonymous 
%
Life does not suck every day.
         -- Bill Carter 
%
I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up.
         -- Tom Lehrer 
%
You can't spell P-E-N-I-S without ESPN!
         -- anonymous Colorado St. student 
%
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much 
fraternizing with the enemy.
         -- Henry Kissinger 
%
Only in America can a veteran sleep in a cardboard box, while a 
draft dodger sleeps in the Whitehouse.
         -- Anonymous 
%
Everybody loves to see justice done on somebody else.
         -- Bruce Cockburn 
%
Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not 
from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
         -- Monty Python 
%
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomaches.
         -- David Daye 
%
We're not surrounded, we're in a target-rich environment.
         -- Anonymous 
%
If you can keep your head while those about you are losing theirs, 
then perhaps you have misunderstood the situation.
         -- Daniel Keys Moran 
%
Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter?  He went to prison 
for three years, not Princeton.
         -- Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King 
%
program (pro'-gram) [vi] To engage in a pastime similar to banging 
one's head against a wall but with fewer opportunities for reward.
         -- Anonymous 
%
Sensible public speech in our time is limited by (1) the need to stay 
within he confines of the 10-second TV sound bite; (2) the desire to 
avoid being pinned down to specific claims or promises; and (3) the 
abbreviated attention span of the audience which likes to watch but 
always has a channel-changer poised.
         -- Roger Ebert 
%
He, not busy being born is busy dying.
         -- Bob Dylan 
%
The irony of the Information Age is that it has given new respectability 
to uninformed opinion.
         -- John Lawton 
%
We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce 
the Complete Works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know 
this is not true.
         -- Robert Wilensky 
%
Just remember, a good loser is still a loser.
         -- Lucas Buck 
%
That's the great thing about vi: it's just you, God, and the OS.
         -- Anonymous 
%
It probably sounded better in the original German 
         -- Molly Ivins comments on Pat Buchanaan's 1992 address
             at the GOP conference 
%
To know a person's religion we need not listen to his profession of 
faith but must find his brand of intolerance.
         -- Eric Hoffer 
%
A society without religion is like a crazed psychopath without a loaded .45.
         -- Mike Beebe 
%
We are continuously faced by great opportunities brilliantly disguised 
as insoluble problems.
         -- Lee Iacocca 
%
Are you criminally deranged, or simply bad at expressing yourself?
         -- Anonymous 
%
It doesn't TAKE all kinds, we just HAVE all kinds.
         -- Anonymous 
%
Never ascribe to malice that which can be explained by stupidity. 
         -- Anonymous 
%
Lotteries are the Dumb Tax.
         -- Matt Dick 
%
New Years Eve: when the beautiful promise of tomorrow is transformed 
into the ugly reality of today, and the disgusting miasma of now 
becomes the rosy nostalgic netherworlds of yesterday. 
         -- Anonymous 
%
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.  
         -- Anonymous 
%
The opposite of love is not hate; it is indifference.
         -- Elie Wiesel 
%
The only thing the Democrats have to offer is fear itself.
         -- D. Armey 
%
Beaten paths are for beaten men.
         -- Anonymous 
%
The Universe is but a screen-saver, waiting for God to twitch.
         -- Paul Eric Lagace 
%
It's not that life is so short, it's that you're dead for so long.
         -- Anonymous 
%
I prefer both my beer and my coffee to be dark and bitter; that way, 
they fit in so well with the rest of my life.
         -- Anonymous 
%
Usenet is essentially Letters to the Editor without the editor.
         -- Larry Wall 
%
A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment.
         -- Willis Player 
%
Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.
         -- Ambrose Bierce 
%
I am Pentium of Borg. Division is futile. You will be approximated.
         -- Anonymous 
%
All I want is an opportunity to prove that money doesn't buy happiness.
         -- Joris Zwart 
%
Virtuous motives, trammeled by inertia and timidity, are no match 
for armed and resolute wickedness.
         -- W. S. Churchill 
%
Chance favors the prepared mind.
         -- Louis Pasteur 
%
I love my country... but I fear my government.
         -- Anonymous 
%
We have arrived at the megabyte millennium, using our sophisticated 
worldwide communications system to talk dirty to strangers.
         -- Ellen Goodman 
%
Human errors can only be avoided if one can avoid the use of humans.
         -- Anonymous 
%
What part of "...shall not be infringed." don't you understand?
         -- Anonymous 
%
A good way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
         -- Anonymous 
%
A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience.
         -- Anonymous 
%
Eagles may soar but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
         -- Anonymous 
%
Excess in all things, moderation is for the weak.
         -- Matt Dick 
%
If I save the whales, where will I keep them?
         -- Anonymous 
%
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the 
courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to hide the bodies 
of the people I had to kill because they pissed me off.
         -- Anonymous 
%
A fool and his money were lucky to get together in the first place.
         -- Bill Cosby 
%
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
         -- Anonymous 
%
An unemployed court jester is nobody's fool.
         -- Anonymous 
%
Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller
ballerinas?
         -- Steven Wright 
%
Honor is a gift a man must give himself.
         -- Patrick Henry 
%
The software said it requires Windows 95 or better, so I installed Linux.
         -- Anonymous 
%
Hard work has to have killed someone.
         -- Anonymous 
%
I believe in a God who doesn't need a lot of financing.
         -- Anonymous 
%
Accept certain inalienable truths:  prices will rise.  Politicians 
will philander.  You, too, will get old.  And when you do, you'll 
fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians 
were noble, and children respected their elders.
         -- Kurt Vonnegut 
%
Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vaccuum tubes 
and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vaccuum 
tubes and perhaps weigh 1 1/2 tons.
         -- Popular Mechanics, March 1949 
%
Birthday Song For Mongols: 
   'May the candles on your cake burn like cities in your wake'. 
         -- Adapted from Anton Sherwood 
%
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in 
overalls and looks like work.
         -- Thomas Edison 
%
Approximately three hundred Hatians died at sea in the sinking of 
that ferry, but fortunately tragedy was overted because none of 
them was a princess.
         -- Bill Maher 
%
I can 'splain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
         -- Lizz Braver 
%
Religion is the opiate of the masses and the heart of a heartless world.
         -- Karl Marx 
%
You can safely say you have made God in your own image when it turns 
out God hates all the same people you do.
         -- Rev. Robert Warren Cromey 
%
Think about how stupid that the average person is.  Then realize that 
half of them are more stupid than that.
         -- George Carlin 
%
I want you to be fully aware of your role in Usenet.  It goes like this: 
Steve Case is the organ grinder, playing a song called 'America Online'. 
You are the little monkey in a bright red hat hopping up and down and 
acting silly for our amusement.  
         -- Dave Asselin to an AOLer 
%
Pessimist: An optimist in full possession of the facts.
         -- Anonymous 
%
You know you've been working too hard when you start to wonder whether 
brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.
         -- Anonymous 
%
There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of 
course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.
         -- Anonymous 
%
I've always wanted to find a copy of _ibid_. It seems like *everything* 
is in that book!
         -- Anonymous 
%
A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction 
into a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day.
         -- Paul Tomblin 
%
You want scary, I have more electronic processing power in my home than 
the Pentagon did in 1945.
         -- David Harris 
%
When in doubt, make a fool of yourself.  There is a microscopically thin 
line between brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic 
idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap!
         -- Cynthia Heimel 
%
To prohibit the reading of certain books is to declare the inhabitants 
to be either fools or slaves.
         -- Claude Adrien Helvetius 
%
There is one thing stronger than all the armies in the world, and that 
is an idea whose time has come.
         -- Victor Hugo 
%
A free people [claim] their rights as derived from the laws of nature, 
and not as a gift of their chief magistrate.
         -- Thomas Jefferson 
%
Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty.
         -- Thomas Jefferson 
%
No government can continue good, but under the control of the people.
         -- Thomas Jefferson 
%
You cannot put a great hope into a small soul.
         -- J. L. Jones 
%
Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot 
drive out hate; only love can do that.
         -- Martin Luther King, Jr. 
%
When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of 
the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were 
signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir.
         -- Martin Luther King, Jr. 
%
We cannot walk alone.
         -- Martin Luther King, Jr. 
%
Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
         -- Abraham Lincoln 
%
Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left by those 
who hustle.
         -- Abraham Lincoln 
%
The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack 
of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather a lack of will.
         -- Vince Lombardi 
%
Censorship, like charity, should begin at home; but unlike charity, 
it should end there.
         -- Clare Booth Luce 
%
At the crossway on the road that leads to the future, each progressive 
spririt is opposed by a thousand men appointed to guard the past.
         -- Count Maurice Maeterlinck 
%
Thanks to television, for the first time the young are seeing history 
made before it is censored by their elders.
         -- Margaret Mead 
%
Character consists of what you do on the third and fourth tries.
         -- James A. Michener 
%
All things are difficult before they are easy.
         -- John Norley 
%
Chance favors only the prepared mind.
         -- Louis Pasteur 
%
Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having 
left undone.
         -- Pablo Picasso 
%
I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I just lived 
the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well.
         -- Diane Ackerman 
%
The man who views the world at 50 the same way he did at 20 has 
wasted 30 years of his life.
         -- Muhammed Ali 
%
An error doesn't become a mistake until you refuse to correct it.
         -- Orlando A. Batista 
%
Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was 
going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then 
being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends.
         -- Joseph Campbell 
%
Happiness doesn't depend on outward conditions.
         -- Dale Carnegie 
%
A professional is someone who can do his best work when he doesn't 
feel like it.
         -- Alistair Cooke 
%
The libraries of America are and must ever remain the home of free, 
inquiring minds.
         -- Dwight Eisenhower 
%
There is always a best way of doing everything.
         -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 
%
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes 
off your goal.
         -- Henry Ford 
%
I cannot relate to the term 'ethical dilemma.'  Faced with an ethical 
problem, there is no dilemma -- you do what is right.
         -- Anthony J. Ridley 
%
I'm here to tell you now, each and every mother's son: you'd better learn 
it fast, you'd better learn it young, 'cause 'someday' never comes.
         -- John Fogerty 
%
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it 
helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, 
but at the very least you need a beer.
         -- Frank Zappa 
%
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
         -- W.C. Fields 
%
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
         -- Henny Youngman 
%
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is 
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but 
the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
         -- Dave Barry 
%
I drink to make other people interesting.
         -- George Jean Nathan 
%
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
         -- Dean Martin 
%
The individual is sovereign.
         -- John Stuart Mill 
%
I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't 
cold enough.  Let's go west.'
         -- Richard Jeni 
%
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use 
language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.  That may 
be.  But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals.
We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
         -- Jeff Stilson 
%
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.  
'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered.  I replied 
in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses.  Now I'll 
have to kill you too.'
         -- Jake Johansen 
%
The lowest common denominator can damn well sod off. 
         -- Brian Trosko  
%
Victimization status is the modern promised land of absolution from 
personal responsibility.
         -- Laura Schlesinger 
%
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a 
movie, this guy would be buried in the credits as something like 
'second tall man'.
         -- Anonymous 
%
My mom said she learned how to swim.  Someone took her out in the lake 
and threw her off the boat.  That's how she learned how to swim.  I said, 
'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'
         -- Paula Poundstone 
%
I have six locks on my door all in a row.  When I go out, I lock every 
other one.  I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking 
the locks, they are always locking three.
         -- Elayne Boosler 
%
Sometimes I think war is CNN's way of teaching us geography.
         -- Adapted from Paul Rodriguez 
%
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?  I'm halfway through my 
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God... I could be eating a slow learner.
         -- Lynda Montgomery 
%
Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.
         -- Homer Simpson 
%
We laugh at honour and are shocked to find traitors in our midst.
         -- C.S. Lewis 
%
You have to be smart enough to do it [play tennis], and dumb enough 
to think it's important.
         -- John Feinstein 
%
Windows 95 (win-doz-nin-te-fiv) n. 32-bit extensions and a graphical 
shell for a 16-bit patch to an 8-bit operating system originally coded 
for a 4-bit micro-processor, written by a 2-bit company that can`t 
stand one bit of competition.
         -- Anonymous 
%
In the beginning was the word.  But by the time the second word was 
added to it, there was trouble. For with it came syntax...
         -- John Simon, Paradigms Lost 
%
A man should be able to pilot a starship, plan an invasion, diaper a 
baby... specialization is for insects!
         -- Lazarus Long 
%
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
         -- Anonymous 
%
Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, 
nations, and epochs, it is the rule.
         -- Nietzsche 
%
Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank God that you know 
me and have access to my dementia?
         -- George Costanza  
%
The best way to deal with people you disagree with is not to be a 
jackass publicly.
         -- Bill Norris 
%
The Bible says, `The truth shall make you free.'  But let's not forget 
it was Spiro Agnew who said that a good lie will keep you out of jail 
in the first place.
         -- A. Whitney Brown 
%
I used to go fishing, then it dawned on me: I can buy fish.
         -- Kenny Rogerson 
%
Don't speak unless you can improve on the silence.
         -- Spanish proverb 
%
Imagine if TV were actually good.  It would be the end of life as 
we know it.
         -- Marvin Minsky 
%
It is a violation of federal law to use your graduate student in a 
manner inconsistent with its labelling.
         -- Tracey DeLaney 
%
If you do not feed your graduate student, it will die.
         -- Tracey DeLaney 
%
That's the old ecological tale that explains humans' inability to fully 
appreciate global warming.  To wit: if you drop a frog in a pan of hot 
water, it jumps out.  If you drop it in a pan of cold water, then turn 
the heat up slowly, you can roast it to death.
         -- Clive Thompson 
%
Sooner or later, everyone stops smoking.
         -- Adapted from Steven Wright 
%
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem you encounter 
resembles a nail.
         -- Anonymous 
%
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
         -- Brad Wells 
%
If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't 
want to do it. It takes too long.
         -- Leo, Age 7 
%
It is the nail standing up which gets hammered down.
         -- Japanese Proverb 
%
A life spent in making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more 
useful than a life spent in doing nothing.
         -- George Bernard Shaw 
%
Newspapers are the mouthpiece for the majority.
         -- _Yakuza_ 
%
Give me ambiguity, or give me something else.
         -- Anonymous 
%
Cowards die many times before their deaths;  the valiant taste of 
death but once.
         -- William Shakespere 
%
The reasonable man adapts to society.  The unreasonable man expects 
society to adapt to him.  Therefore all [societal] progress is made 
by unreasonable men.
         -- George Bernard Shaw 
%
I can please only one person per day.  Today is not your day. 
Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
         -- Anonymous 
%
Never laugh at anyone's dreams.
         -- Anonymous 
%
The House voted unanimously to send heartfelt condolances to the 
dead man's family.
         -- CBS News 
%
Accepting the view that existence ends completely at death does demand 
a certain cold resolve, I suppose.  Then again, when one considers the 
pointless way in which most people spend their lives, one might say that 
view is quite a comfort.
         -- Bertrand Russell 
%
You'd be cranky too if you woke up and found yourself at work.
         -- Anonymous 
%
I think, therefore I look things up.
         -- Helge Moulding 
%
The strong and arrogant enemy tasted bitter defeat at our hands.
         -- Iranian soccer coach 
%
The party's not over 'til your wife posts bail...
         -- Anonymous 
%
Quotation is the refuge of the lame mind.
         -- Anonymous 
%
We are what our deep, driving desire is.  As our deep, driving desire 
is, so is our will.  As our will is, so is our deed.  As our deed is, 
so is our destiny.
         -- Brihadaranyaka IV.4.5 
%
I type the way I live. Fast and with lots of mistakes.
         -- Steven Chiong 
%
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
         -- Anonymous 
%
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
         -- Anonymous 
%
Be better than the cheater, or become him.
         -- Lao Tse 
%
What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?  A woman who won't do 
what she's told.
         -- Anonymous 
%
I WANT YOU TO LISTEN TO ME!  I'm going to say this again: I did not 
have sexual relations with that woman - Miss Lewinsky.
         -- Bill CLinton 
%
The public are swine; advertising is the rattling of a stick inside 
a swill bucket.
         -- George Orwell 
%
There is nothing in this world that a man cannot make a little worse 
and sell a little cheaper, and those who shop by price alone are this 
man's lawful prey.
         -- John Ruskin 
%
Large fibreglass fruits are much the same the world over.
         -- Vicki Parslow Stafford 
%
Napalm:  nine out of ten Third-World children say it stings reeeeal bad.
         -- Tim Hale 
%
We should forgive our enemies, but only after they've been taken out 
and shot.
         -- Anonymous 
%
When I split an infinitive, God damn it, I split it so it stays split.
         -- Raymond Chandler 
%
The illiterates of the future will not be those who cannot read.  They 
will be those who cannot learn, unlearn, and re-learn.
         -- Alvin Toffler 
%
'When I use a word,' Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful tone, 
'it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less.'
         -- Lewis Carroll 
%
I doubt if God is interested in our church activities.  If God has made 
the bake sale a priority, we're all in a lot of trouble.
         -- Anonymous 
%
The moment of victory is much too short to live for that and nothing else. 
         -- Martina Navratilova 
%
If I am ever Creator of the Universe, I will find some better way to 
help my creations than letting them torture me to death.
         -- Nancy Lebovitz 
%
Well, cyberterrorists may be difficult to capture in the act, but from 
what I know about people who are highly skilled with computers, they 
should be easy to beat up.
         -- Ernest Cey 
%
If I was re-writing the constitution, I'd make a rule that there could 
be no dumbass laws...  'I'm sorry, but your proposed referendum is 
butt-stupid.'
         -- Adam Villani 
%
The text of the First Amendment makes no distinction between... media.
         -- Justice Clarence Thomas 
%
A day without sunshine is like ... night.
         -- Anonymous 
%
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
         -- Anonymous 
%
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
         -- Anonymous 
%
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
         -- Anonymous 
%
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
         -- Anonymous 
%
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of 
putting up with her shit.  
         -- Anonymous 
%
We have met the enemy, and he is us.
         -- Pogo 
%
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
         -- Anonymous 
%
Pain is weakness leaving the body.
         -- Anonymous 
%
Never resist a generous impulse.
         -- Bill Dick 
%
Thank God we got the convicts and they got the Puritans.
         -- Austrailian Letter the Editor, Re: Clinton Impeachment 
%
A demagogue with half a valid message is much more dangerous than 
one that is completely nuts.
         -- Jim Geary 
%
While in the Senate I took the initiative by creating the Internet.
        -- Al Gore 
%
To those who understand no explanation is necesssary.  To those who 
do not understand no explanation is sufficient.
        -- Anonymous 
%
That which does not kill me, only postpones the inevitable.
        -- E. L. Kersten 
%
In the battle between you and the world, bet on the world.
        -- E. L. Kersten 
%
Life is either a daring adventure or it is nothing.
        -- Hellen Keller