"Her first impressions aren't good but they're usually lasting" 
    --  Ally McBeal, on Ling
%
"I know I've got it great really, good job, good friends, loving 
 family, total freedom and long bubble baths, what else could there be?" 
    --  Ally McBeal
%
"I am human, I am tempermental, I am guilty." 
    --  Ally McBeal
%
"Sometimes I'm tempted to become a street person, cut off from society 
 but then I wouldn't get to wear my outfits."
    --  Ally McBeal
%
"People do read Entertainment Weekly." 
    --  Ally McBeal, on stupidity
%
"You mean some people do?" 
    --  Ally McBeal, to Whipper who doesn't believe that Ally has two
                     feet on the ground
%
"You're supposed to be able to send your whole life to the dry cleaners,
 and it's supposed to come back all pretty and neat on a hanger."
    --  Ally McBeal
%
"There were so many ways he just wasn't you -- right!"
    --  Ally McBeal, to Billy, about Ronald
%
"You look like Hannibal Lector."
    --  Ally McBeal, to Elaine, after seeing her in her face bra
%
"The thing about funerals, the guest of honour is always dead." 
    --  Ally McBeal
%
"It's like one day I have to deal with the two sure things in life, 
 death and adultery."  
    --  Ally McBeal
%
"I'm getting so healthy, I can double date with them and my stomach
 doesn't hurt." 
    --  Ally McBeal, on Billy and Georgia
%
"I didn't mean for her to fall, I was only going for a stumble." 
    --  Ally McBeal, on tripping the chip lady
%
"Why would you enter into the throes of Ruffles if you have trouble 
 with ridges?" 
    --  Ally McBeal, to the lady who took the last bag of chips
%
"All I ever wanted was to be rich, and to be successful and have three
 kids and a husband waiting up a night to tickle my feet, and now I 
 don't even like my hair." 
    --  Ally McBeal, on her life
%
"He can't be a man and just paw me a little, I am a sexual object, he
 couldn't give me a little grope." 
    --  Ally McBeal, on her date with Ronald
%
"Most men would have asked to sleep with me but what he did was rude."
    --  Ally McBeal, on her date with Ronald
%
"I'm used to getting dumped, this isn't pain I'm feeling, it's
 nostalgia." 
    --  Ally McBeal, on break-ups
%
"I'm nothing without my face."
    --  Ally McBeal, on aging
%
"Men are like bubble gum after you chew they lose their flavor." 
    --  Ally McBeal
%
"The more lost you are, the more you have to look forward to."
    --  Ally McBeal
%
"I realize 40 is ancient."
    --  Ally McBeal, babbling on her date with Ronald
%
"A dance is basically foreplay."
    --  Ally McBeal, to herself, while dancing with Ronald
%
"There's so many reasons to hate her." 
    --  Ally McBeal, noticing what a good lawyer Georgia is
%
"Whenever I make a fool of myself I feel better if I can blame it on
 the research." 
    --  Ally McBeal, on the dating book
%
"To call is to pursue, and to pursue makes you look too interested." 
    --  Ally McBeal, after reading a dating guide
%
"The idea that when people come together they stay together, I have to
 take that with me when I go to bed at night even when I go alone." 
    --  Ally McBeal, a McBealism
%
"Being a woman, I know how women react to things even when they don't 
 mean a thing." 
    --  Ally McBeal
%
"Even people we call your honor don't have honor anymore." 
    --  Ally McBeal, about Whipper
%
"Sometimes there's no point in the truth if the only thing it'll do
 is cause pain." 
    --  Ally McBeal
%
"I saw a piece of cute meat and I said to myself 'go ahead, be a man'."
    --  Ally McBeal, explaining Ronald to Renee
%
"Sometimes I feel as if I'm being unfaithful to love itself." 
    --  Ally McBeal
%
"I cannot believe the things coming out of your mouth, but then again
 considering where it's been I guess I shouldn't be shocked." 
    --  Ally McBeal, to Billy, about the hooker at his bachelor party
%
"I'm going to criminal court, I'm afraid of criminals, maybe that'll
 change now that I work for one."
    --  Ally McBeal, about John
%
"When I get depressed I raise my hem lines."
    --  Ally McBeal
%
"Ally Donnell - McBeal." 
    --  Ally McBeal, upon meeting Bobby
%
"If I weren't separated by bars I wouldn't be caught dead with you, or
 maybe I would."
    --  Ally McBeal, to the client
%
"I like the law but prefer soft-core."
    --  Ally McBeal, on criminal law
%
"Lizzy Borden took an axe, gave her mother forty whacks.  Born again
 in fifty-one, killed her husband just for fun."
    --  Ally McBeal, her reaction to her client accused of murder
%
"Is there any chance it's not hers?" 
    --  Ally McBeal, on Georgia's pregnancy
%
"I live my life as one big Christmas Eve & it just makes me happy,
 happy, happy!" 
    --  Ally McBeal, to a concerned Billy
%
%
"If I closed my eyes I could almost see you as a hero, too bad my eyes
 are open." 
    --  Ally McBeal, to Bobby
%
"There's more to life than being a lawyer, and I don't mean golf." 
    --  Ally McBeal, on the firm's philosophy
%
"You can lead a man by the penis but it's the wrong way to tame him." 
    --  Ally McBeal, to Renee, on bringing a guy to the apartment
                               that she barely knows.
%
"He's even more dead than I thought, that's the most dead person I've
 ever seen."
    --  Ally McBeal, on seeing a murder victim
%
"The National Organization Of Women has a contract out on my head." 
    --  Ally McBeal, on being a career women but needing a man
%
"You're not who you are, you're only what other people think of you."
   -- Richard Fish (Ally McBeal)
%
"Your Honors, I'd like to apologize for Mr.Thomas' hostility; as much
 as I constantly stress the need for civility, he continues to have
 reaction to witchhunts, particularly when they're so blatant." 
   -- Richard Fish (Ally McBeal), to the Law Review Board
%
"Might be in the same room, Ally, but different planet." 
   -- Richard Fish (Ally McBeal)
%
"I'm nothing if not surrounded." 
   -- Richard Fish (Ally McBeal), to Elaine in her face bra
%
"Everyone's alone, it's just easier to take in a relationship." 
   -- Richard Fish (Ally McBeal)
%
"Parenting is nothing if not selfless."
   -- Richard Fish (Ally McBeal)
%
"Love is an equation, a 'me', a 'you', derives a 'we'." 
   -- Richard Fish (Ally McBeal)
%
"Ally you can't just attack somebody over a snack treat; that's not
 a Fishism, just common sense." 
   -- Richard Fish (Ally McBeal)
%
"There's no embarrassing way to earn money." 
   -- Richard Fish (Ally McBeal), on Elaine's face bra
%
"Plug the firm."
   -- Richard Fish (Ally McBeal), to Ally, about the eulogy
%
"This account is a potential cash cow, you don't have to do the actual
 milking."
   -- Richard Fish (Ally McBeal), to Ally, about dating Ronald
%
"It's not just winning, it's winning ugly that matters." 
   -- Richard Fish (Ally McBeal)
%
"Bygones."
   -- Richard Fish (Ally McBeal)
%
"Maybe it's just the wattle."
   -- Richard Fish (Ally McBeal), wondering what he loves about Whipper
%
"Is that where you make all your big decisions in life? The bathroom?" 
   -- Richard Fish (Ally McBeal), to Ally
%
"Make enough money and everything else will follow."
   -- Richard Fish (Ally McBeal)
%
"Every movie has its lousy parts, the trick is to fast forward through
 them." 
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal)
%
"Sometimes I toss some jewel Fishisms her way and she just stares back
 with blanks."
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal), wondering if Ally likes him
%
"Because we look good doing it, they're expensive and people know it." 
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal), on cigar smoking
%
"Life is all attitude, tonight is a night for you to feel good about
 yourself."
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal)
%
"Try not to look at it as negative, a lot of his former students will
 be there, think of it as a class reunion, instead of a punch bowl
 there'll be a casket.  Reunions are meant to allow the more successful
 to inform the less successful that that's what they are, less than
 you and I.  We're more, especially me, I may be the most." 
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal), to Ally
%
"I realize you two share similar DNA, but it's Billy."
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal), on Ally and Georgia being co-council
%
"He can have mine, I never use it."
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal), about the heart transplant.
%
"Redemption, Revenge, Retainer."
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal), on why Mary should want to sue
%
"Under that robe, besides a phenomenal body, is a good judge."
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal), asking Whipper to see the validity
                                   of the case
%
"Verbal spankings leave me wanting more."
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal), response to Whipper
%
"Til death do us part, you've parted now where's the death?"
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal), to Mary
%
"There comes a time in everyone's life when you have to go forth and
 be vicious."
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal), convincing Mary to sue
%
"I only heard from the begining." 
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal), after eavesdropping
%
"The outside world doesn't get the joke."
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal), about the firm
%
"What's inside doesn't count, it's how things look."
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal)
%
"We caught him at a hockey game, how gay can he be?"
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal)
%
"You've got that Julie Andrews thing going for you." 
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal), to Ally
%
"I plan to have character one day, great character, but if you want
 to be rich you better get the money before the scruples set in." 
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal)
%
"Most people look at me like I'm odd strange instead of odd special." 
   --  John Cage (Ally McBeal)
%
"I thought I'd start by taking a moment." 
   --  John Cage (Ally McBeal), on his plans for defending Renee
%
"The world is no longer a romantic place, but some of its people are
 however and therein lies the promise." 
   --  John Cage (Ally McBeal), to Ally
%
"They lend intrigue to my character." 
   --  Elaine Vassal (Ally McBeal), on smoking cigars
%
"Sometimes she just looks snappish."
   --  Elaine Vassal (Ally McBeal), about Ally
%
"I also have allergies but I'd be at a loss to recall a specific sneeze."
   --  Elaine Vassal (Ally McBeal), on whether she's talked about Ally
%
"They have knobs."
   --  Elaine Vassal (Ally McBeal), about closed doors
%
"If I wanted a husband I could just snap my fingers." 
   --  Elaine Vassal (Ally McBeal)
%
"I liked my job before, but God I love it now." 
   --  Elaine Vassal (Ally McBeal), on all the office gossip
%
"Suddenly everything you think you are can just disappear in a wrinkle."
   --  Elaine Vassal (Ally McBeal), on aging
%
"She's always a little tickled by drama, in time she'll look back at
 this day and want to relive it."
   --  Elaine Vassal (Ally McBeal), about Ally
%
"Boys called me the human window of opportunity."
   --  Elaine Vassal (Ally McBeal), to Richard after he jokingly
                                    called her a slut
%
"I'm concerned for your hair." 
   --  Elaine Vassal (Ally McBeal), excuse for eavesdropping on
                                    Georgia & Billy
%
"I would just like to take my thighs and squeeze his head." 
   --  Elaine Vassal (Ally McBeal), about Bobby
%
"I dress slutty, just understated, moderatly slutty."
   --  Elaine Vassal (Ally McBeal)
%
"You know Ally she can't even sit on a toilet with out drumming up a
 little drama." 
    --  Billy (Ally McBeal), to Georgia
%
"If you kiss him he may not stay forever but he won't be running off
 quick."
    --  Billy (Ally McBeal), to Ally
%
"Knowing you is not a deterrent to loving you."
    --  Billy (Ally McBeal), to Ally
%
"You're gonna have to help me here Richard, do you have a Fishism for
 this?" 
    --  Billy (Ally McBeal)
%
"You won't even go to bed with a man unless you story board it first."
   --  Renee (Ally McBeal), to Ally
%
"This is your typical mating dance where you always end up mateless."
   --  Renee (Ally McBeal), on Ally's dating
%
"This is the problem of playing games, somebody has to lose."
   --  Renee (Ally McBeal), on all the dating rules
%
"Emotionally, you're an idiot."
   --  Renee (Ally McBeal), to Ally
%
"It's a party for everyone to come and look at you dead." 
   --  Georgia (Ally McBeal), on wakes
%
"It's one thing to bring a child into the world, but our world?" 
   --  Georgia (Ally McBeal), after a weird parenthood pep talk from Richard
%
"Let's get together and watch Ellen." 
   --  Georgia (Ally McBeal), thinking Caroline was coming on to her
%
"I know I haven't been here long but I'm begining to think she's a
 little more weird than the strange little man." 
   --  Ling (Ally McBeal), on Ally
%
"Ally every patient that comes into this office thinks that he or she
 is the biggest loser, for the first time I agree."
   --  Tracey (Ally McBeal), to Ally
%
Ally:  "How did I get to be such a mess so soon in my life," 
Billy: "You've always been ahead of your time."
   --  Ally McBeal
%
Billy and Ally: "Out!" 
Elaine: "Snappish in stereo."
   --  Ally McBeal
%
"Unfortunately there wasn't enough buzz on the Internet about seeing
 her naked." 
   --  Ally McBeal, why Barbara was fired
%
"If you think back and replay your year and it doesn't bring out tears
 of joy or sadness, consider it wasted," 
   --  Ally McBeal, John's mother
%
"Idiot! even if you find her she might be looking for the perfect man."
   --  Ally McBeal, John's mother on finding the perfect girl
%
"Don't even try to take a moment, I'm on to you." 
   --  Ally McBeal, Caroline Poop to John
%
"It was so unremarkable I can barely remember it." 
   --  Whipper (Ally McBeal), on why she should be removed from Fish's case
%
[Helen makes a snappish remark about the length of Ally's hem.] 
Ally:  "They're not really in yet but they'll be coming back." 
Helen: "How do you know?" 
Ally:  "Because I'm wearing it."
   --  Ally McBeal
%
"These people are nuts, we go in there arguing insanity and these
 people are the inmates." 
   -- Eugene (Ally McBeal), on Ally's firm
%
Billy:   "Did you fiddle with my wife's wattle?"
Richard: "I may have grazed it."
   --  Ally McBeal 
%
Poop:  "You can't kick out a case like that!"
Judge: "I can, and I just did." 
   --  Ally McBeal
%
Georgia: "Mrs. Poop..."
Poop:    "I said call me Caroline, and I believe I asked quite nicely."
   --  Ally McBeal
%
"Men love to be thought of as funny... except when they're in bed." 
   --  Elaine (Ally McBeal)
%
"'Problem' is just a bleak word for 'challenge'." 
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal)
%
"Parenting is nothing if not selfless." 
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal)
%
"Well where does it say that women can't act like men sometimes? I saw
 a piece of cute meat and I said to myself 'You only live once. Be
 a man!'" 
   --  Ally McBeal 
%
"Love and law are the same.  Romantic in concept but the actual practice
 can give you a yeast infection." 
   --  Ally McBeal
%
"Who wants to be balanced? Balance is overrated!" 
   --  Ally McBeal
%
"This is the problem with playing games -- somebody has to lose." 
   --  Renee (Ally McBeal)
%
"I can't do anything about it, but I'd be happy to sympathize." 
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal)
%
"The only thing I know about what just went on is that it just went on."
   --  Ally McBeal
%
"I'm nothing if not redundant. I also repeat myself." 
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal)
%
"Even if I get past all my problems I'm just going to go out and get
 new ones." 
   --  Ally McBeal
%
"It's not just winning. It's winning ugly that matters." 
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal)
%
"I don't mind losing, it's high profile losing that is not good." 
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal)
%
"Men are like gum anyway. After you chew, they lose their flavor." 
   --  Ally McBeal
%
"Sometimes there's no point in the truth if the only thing it'll do
 is cause pain." 
   --  Ally McBeal 
%
"It's not my style to care about others, but what's going on?" 
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal)
%
"We're women. We have double standards to live up to." 
   --  Ally McBeal
%
"Only think about this: you were going to take wedding vows with this
 man. 'Death do us part.' You parted, now what is holding up the death?" 
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal)
%
"It's a party for everyone to come and look at you dead." 
   --  Georgia (Ally McBeal), on wakes
%
"If we win we are heros, we pulled off a miracle. If we lose the wacko
 goes to jail, justice is served. It is a win/win!" 
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal)
%
Billy:   "Are we a joke to the outside world?"
Richard: "The outside world just doesn't get the joke. Fishism."
   --  Ally McBeal
%
"You can lead a man by the penis but it's the wrong way to tame him." 
   --  Ally McBeal, to Renee
%
"New firm policy, listen up!  Anybody who sues this firm or me, personally,
 we all drop whatever cases we are working on.  We devote all of our
 intellectual and creative efforts to ruining that person's life.  Are
 we clear?  I don't want to stop short with just getting even. 
 Retribution is not strong enough.  Ruin, that is the goal.  
 Irreversible, irreptutable, irrational ruin!  New firm policy!" 
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal)
%
"Everyone is alone. It's just easier to take in a relationship." 
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal)
%
"Being a woman, I know how women react to things even when they don't
 mean a thing." 
   --  Ally McBeal 
%
"There comes a time in everyone's life when you have to go forth and
 be vicious!" 
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal)
%
"Sometimes... when you hold out for everything, you walk away with
 nothing." 
   --  Ally McBeal
%
"Verbal spankings leave me wanting for more." 
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal)
%
"I think I need to believe that it works - love, couplehood,
 partnerships.  The idea that when people come together they stay
 together...I have to take that with me to bed every night, even
 if I'm going to bed alone." 
   --  Ally McBeal, first official McBealism
%
"The truth is, I probably don't want to be too happy or content, 'cause
 then what?  I actually like the quest, the search.  That's the fun.
 The more lost you are, the more you have to look forward to.  What do
 you know?  I'm having a great time and I don't even know it." 
   --  Ally McBeal
%
"The reason John and I started this firm was because we wanted to go
 to work everyday where it was fun: make money, throw office parties,
 a fun place to work.  I realize employees will always gripe.  Part of
 an employee is to not like people staring at pretty girls, and not to
 like tactics used to win cases.  It is the nature of the employee to
 complain.  There is always some place better.  This lawsuit carries
 the gripe too far.  It saps the fun out of it for me.  And since fun
 was the point, anybody who isn't happy, leave.  And if you all go,
 we will just have to start another firm. There is always another one." 
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal)
%
"I need to believe that men and women love each other. I need to know
 that they go home to each other every night, so I can believe that it
 will happen to me too someday." 
   --  Ally McBeal
%
"Did you ever buy a lottery ticket?  I buy them sometimes, I mean not
 that I think I would ever win, but I like to hold it in my hand, and
 think: what if?  That's why I bought that contraceptive jelly.  I
 thought: what if?  What if I'm walking down the street and I suddenly
 march right into somebody, and we just know immediately off of one
 look that we were meant for each other, and it's like Barbara Streisand
 and Omar Sharif, but instead of singing about it we go off and make
 passionate love..." 
   --  Ally McBeal
%
"The truth for me [is that] our friendship is the greatest thing I got
 going.  I cherish it.  And to put honesty boundary on it... I don't
 want to.  So free fall with the truth and hope we both survive." 
   --  Ally McBeal, to Billy 
%
"Maybe it's because they say love is about making compromises and that's
 why they all get themselves into compromising positions... they can
 call it research.  Whatever it is, I don't think I'm going on it." 
   --  Ally McBeal
%
"I didn't become a lawyer because I like the law.  The law sucks.  It's
 boring.  But it can also be used as a weapon.  You want to bankrupt
 somebody, cost him everything he's worked for, make his wife leave
 him, even cause his kids to cry?  We can do that." 
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal)
%
"On sex and sexual harrassment, women don't see straight. Women as a
 rule hate other pretty women.  Women as a rule also sympathize with
 other women victims because they are women.  Women want other women
 to be destroyed, but as women they don't want to be the destroyer
 themselves." 
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal)
%
"Personally, I hate sexual harassment laws.  The original force behind
 them were disgruntled lesbians who felt they were not given the same
 opportunities - along with ugly women, who were jealous of pretty women
 who got all the breaks in the work force.  My cause to action is simple,
 women are victims.  They need special help.  Look at the evolution of
 these sexual harassment laws.  What we are really saying is, women
 really should qualify under the Federal Disablity Act.  They are less
 able.  They cannot cope with romance in the office.  They cannot contend
 with having to do a job and have a man smile at them.  It is too much.
 Look where we use to be, first quid pro quo, then hostile environment,
 and now Seinfeld episodes.  Women can't take it; they bruise too easily.
 The laws are here to protect the weak and most vulnerable in society.
 'She is woman, protect her!'" 
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal)
%
Richard: "We just love to live in a politically correct world that is so
 evolved.   Where did we pass a law against common sense?  This is a French
 bistro.  When people go there, they go not just to eat but to dine.  The
 ambiance of culture, they want to feel elite and sophisticated.  A good
 gay waiter can do that.  They have that snobbish little entitlement
 thing going. People like that."
Judge: "Gays are elitist snobs?"
Richard: "The waiter kind are.  First, they are smarter.  They grow up
 reading more books, probably trying to figure out the answer as to why
 they are homosexual.  Plus, they are terrible at sports which gives them
 more time to study.  They are smart, they want to work in the arts.
 They end up as waiters, way over-qualified, bitter, snobby.  People have
 come to expect this when ordering a fruity wine." 
   --  Ally McBeal
%
"Lend me your shoe, Georgia.  If I wanted to sell this, better to have
 you model this or me?  Everything is about presentation, same for
 restaurants as for shoes.  What's inside doesn't count, it's how they
 look. Fishism." 
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal)
%
"Georgia, give me your shoe.  Why would a grown person wear these?  They
 are hugely uncomfortable, make it easier to fall, cause back problems,
 but, hey -- call it fashion.  What kind of person would spend an
 equivalent of two years painting her face and plucking out her eyebrows,
 and putting silicone or saline in her chest?  There is a name for this
 kind of person, 'woman'.  Why?  Because, we 'men' like it.  Don't talk
 to me about equality.  Don't tell me you aren't disabled." 
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal)
%
[On herself and Billy smelling each other's bottoms as kids.]
"It wasn't *that* stupid. We saw dogs do it -- that's how they knew
 for sure." 
   --  Ally McBeal
%
[On the firm's unisex bathroom.]
"Unisex studies show it helps men and women employees breed familiarity,
 so long as they don't come in to just breed." 
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal)
%
"Is that where you make all your big decisions in life? The bathroom?" 
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal), to Ally
%
"I am human, I am tempermental, I am guilty!" 
   --  Ally McBeal, to the Board
%
"I like being a mess. It's who I am." 
   --  Ally McBeal
%
"Oh, forgive my bluntness. It's a device that I use to cope." 
   --  Elaine (Ally McBeal)
%
"I didn't mean for her to fall, I was only going for a stumble..." 
   --  Ally McBeal
%
"There's just so many ways he wasn't you... *right*!  Wasn't *right*." 
   --  Ally McBeal, to Billy
%
"I am *not* a weakling!" 
   --  Ally McBeal
%
"Whatever virus she's got, we should all be so lucky to be infected
 with it." 
   --  Billy (Ally McBeal), on Ally, to the Board
%
"Sometimes I'm more persuasive when I *lack* conviction." 
   --  Ally McBeal
%
"Reunions are meant to allow the more successful graduates to inform the
 less successful that is what they are, less than.  You and I are more
 than.  Especially me.  I've got my own firm; I could possibly be the
 most." 
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal)
%
"I dress slutty; just understated, moderately slutty." 
   --  Elaine (Ally McBeal)
%
"We started this firm with the same dream -- money -- did we not?  In
 pursuit of this dream we agreed I would be the shark, hammer, and ass,
 and you would be the pillar of dignity. This was the deal.  Have I not
 been every bit the ass you envisioned?" 
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal), to John
%
"Renee, you come up with sarcasm at the most inappropriate times!" 
   --  Ally McBeal
%
"She's two thirds of a Rice Krispie, she's already snapped and crackled,
  and she's close to the final pop." 
   --  Elaine (Ally McBeal), on Ally 
%
"She's always a little tickled by drama, in time she'll look back at
 this day and want to relive it." 
   --  Elaine (Ally McBeal), on Ally
%"You know Ally -- she can't even sit on a toilet without drumming up
 a little drama." 
   --  Billy (Ally McBeal), on Ally
%
"Just remember, when you're with me you're not the strangest person in
 the room.  Go ahead, get weird on me!" 
   --  Ally McBeal, to John
%
"I cannot believe the things that I am hearing come out of your mouth.
 But then again considering the places it's been I guess I shouldn't be
 so shocked!" 
   --  Ally McBeal
%
Renee: "You're wacko!" 
Ally:  "And I like it." 
   --  Ally McBeal
%
"What was I supposed to say?  Yes, if Billy and I were on a deserted
 island it would be a completely horizontal way of life. Of course I lied!"
   --  Ally McBeal
%
Renee: "Snow White. Cinderella. All about gettin' a guy. Being saved by
 the guy. Today it's Little Mermaid, Aladdin, Pocahontas.  All about
 gettin' a guy."
Ally:  "So basically we're screwed up because of..."
Renee: "Disney." 
   --  Ally McBeal
%
Ally:  "Oh my God. Tell me he's not gonna do this."
Renee: "Tell me she's not gonna let him."
   --  Ally McBeal
%
"How impressed do you think this big client was to see you repeatedly
 reaching for your left nostril during your impromptu excavation project?"
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal), to John, on his nosepicking
%
Ally:    "Isn't it rude to talk about somebody while they're in the
          same room?"
Richard: "Same room, different planet. Kidding! Bygones."
   --  Ally McBeal
%
Tracy: "Seems like you're nuts."
Ally:  "I didn't think a therapist was supposed to call her patients
        *nuts*!"
Tracy: "Ally, you've got a see-through baby in a diaper uga-chucking
        spears at you.  You're doing this Lloyd Bridges thing through
        your office. You're a cracker. But that's why you're here." 
   --  Ally McBeal
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Tracy: "He's afraid."
Ally:  "Why?"
Tracy: "He's interested."
Ally:  "Men are supposed to pounce when they're interested."
Tracy: "Hel-lo! They pounce on the wrong girls. When it's the right
        girl, they turn into bumbling little chickens." 
   --  Ally McBeal
%
Georgia: "What makes your problems bigger than everyone else's?"
Ally:    "They're mine."
   --  Ally McBeal
%
Ally:    "Do you think I'm nuts?"
Whipper: "No, but I don't think you have two feet on the ground either..."
Ally:    "You mean some people *do*?"
   --  Ally McBeal
%
"The world is no longer a romantic place.  Some of its people still
 are however, and therein lies the promise.  Don't let the world win,
 Ally McBeal." 
   --  John Cage (Ally McBeal)
%
"One of the keys to life is the fast forward.  Every movie has its lousy
 parts.  The trick is to fast forward through.  As time passes, you look
 back and say `Oh.. that little adultery thing, oh *that*.' Fast forward
 to then, right now, and you are over it." 
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal)
%
"Whoever said that plenty of fish in the sea thing was lying.  Sometimes
 there's only one fish. Trust me." 
   --  Ally McBeal
%
"If you don't kiss a girl on the first date, you're a gentleman.  If you
 don't on the second, you're gay." 
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal)
%
"If you kiss him he may not stay forever but he won't be running off
 quick." 
   --  Billy (Ally McBeal)
%
"Piles and piles of money.  If I help some along the way great, but
 mainly I'm in the this for the piles, heaps, the really big piles." 
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal)
%
"I plan to have character one day, great character, but if you want
 to be rich you better get the money before the scruples set in." 
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal)
%
"There's no embarassing way to earn money." 
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal)
%
"Make enough money and everything else will follow." 
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal)
%
"Sometimes to stay centered you have to embellish." 
   --  Elaine (Ally McBeal)
%
"Don't say you're sorry when you're not sorry!  You didn't even look up
 to see who you bumped into!  What if I was an old lady?  I could have
 fallen down and broken a hip!  I could be lying on my back in some HMO,
 my lungs filling up with phlegm till I'm on life support, draining my
 family of every last cent of their inheritance while I asphyxiate on my
 own dried half-hacked mucus!  No, don't say you're sorry when you're
 *not* sorry." 
   --  Ally McBeal
%
"I'm not saying 'caveman' or anything against her consent, but you have
 to initiate some aggression.  You are the *man*.  Grab her hand
 sometimes.  You squeeze her neck in the back, half massage, half 'you
 belong to me'.  Sometimes you hold her by both shoulders.  Women want
 to be dominated even when they say they don't.  For God's sake, kiss
 her.  The body talks, saying 'You are mine, you feel my dominion, and
 you want to surrender to it.'" 
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal), to John
%
"Having a child is a selfish thing.  Couples don't walk around wanting
 to give life.  They say, we want a child.  We want, we want.  It is a
 selfish thing, a good selfish.  Selfish.  Don't punish yourself for not
 wanting to celebrate your greed.  Georgia, you are entitled to
 melancholy.  Your body is going to swell and distort.  Treadmills aside,
 it will never be the same.  The infant is going to see way more of her
 breasts then you will, and when you do -- whoa -- the big droop.  Then
 there is all the other: sleep deprivation, your face adds ten years
 first year.  Then there is school.  Education.  Forget the cost, kid
 can't learn in public school and private.  What if junior is in his
 third month and you miss the application deadline?  Don't beat yourself
 up for not being excited.  You are having a child here." 
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal)
%
"Never trust a second thought.  Where there is two there is three.  You
 will end up thinking forever." 
   --  Richard Fish (Ally McBeal)
%