Xander: Harvard... Yale... Wesleyan... Some German Polytechnical Institute whose name I, uh... I can't pronounce. Is anyone else intimidated? 'Cause I'm just expecting thin slips of paper with the words 'No Way' written in crayon. Oz: They're typing those now. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Willow: Rejection I can handle 'cause of the years of training, but this... Xander: I feel your pain, Will. Like right now, I'm torn between the fast-growing of appliance repair and motel management. Of course, I'm still waiting to hear back from the Corndog Emporium, so... -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Wesley: I have, in fact, faced two vampires myself. Under controlled circumstances, of course. Giles: No danger of finding those here. Wesley: Vampires? Giles: Controlled circumstances. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Wesley: Why don't you tell me everything about last night's patrol. Buffy: Vampires. Wesley: Yes? Buffy: Killed 'em. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Wesley: I didn't get this job because of my looks. Buffy: I really, really believe that. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Wesley: Buffy, you will go to the Gleave's family crypt tonight and fetch the amulet. Buffy: I will? Wesley: Are you not used to being given orders? Buffy: Whenever Giles sends me on a mission, he always says "please." And afterwards I get a cookie. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Giles: If it's for me to scrub those hard-to-reach areas, I'd like to request you kill me now. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Mr. Trick: Why do they always gotta be using swords? It's called a Uzi, ya chump. Could have saved your ass right about now. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Willow: Give me time, and I may be the first Wiccan to do all my conjuring in pine-fresh scent. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: Okay, we got ten, maybe twelve bad guys, and one big demon in desperate need of a Stairmaster. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Wesley: Remember the three key words for any Slayer: Preparation... preparation... preparation. Buffy: That's one word three times. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Willow [regarding Xander's fake ID]: I don't believe this is entirely on the up and up. Xander: What gives it away? Willow: Looking at it. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy [about Xander's new bartending job]: You know there is more to it than wiping and kicking? Mixing drinks, for instance. Xander: Oh, I've seen "Cocktail". I can do the hippy-hippy shake. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Xander: Pfffft. Nothing can defeat the penis! [notices how loud that was] Too loud. Very unseemly. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Willow [about Parker]: He deserves a torturous and slow death by spider bites. Well, for today, we'll just have to throw spitballs at his neck in class. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: Want beer. Like beer. Beer good. Xander: Beer bad. Bad, bad beer. What the hell am I saying? -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Giles: I can't believe you served Buffy that beer. Xander: I didn't know it was evil. Giles: You knew it was beer. Xander: Well, excuse me, Mr. 'I spent the sixties in an electric-kool-aid- funky-Satan groove.' Giles: It was the early seventies and you should know better. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Willow: Just how gullible do you think I am? I mean, with your gentle eyes and your shy smile and your ability to talk openly only to me. You're unbelievable! -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Willow: That's right. I got your number, id boy. Only thing you're thinking about is how long before you can jump on my bones. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Xander: And was there a lesson in all this? Huh? What did we learn about beer? Buffy: Foamy! Xander: Good. Just as long as that's clear. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Willow: Hey, I eat danger for breakfast. Xander: But, oddly enough, she panics in the face of breakfast foods. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: I just can't decide on a school right now. I mean... I want to sleep on it, you know, mull it over. Raise 'em up my inner flagpole, see which one I salute. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Xander: Kerouac. He's my teacher. The open road, my school. Buffy: Making the open dumpster your cafeteria? Xander: Go ahead, mock me. Oz: I think she just did. Xander: We bohemian, anti-establishment types have always been persecuted. Oz: Well, sure, you're all so weird. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: You, I can't believe you got into Oxford. Willow: It's pretty exciting. Oz: That's some deep academia there. Buffy: There's where they make Gileses. Willow: I know. I can learn and have scones. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Wesley: I don't understand. Buffy: Well, I don't think I can talk any slower, Wes. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Wesley: All right, everyone. Monsters, demons, world in peril? Buffy: I'll betcha they have all that stuff in Illinois. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Wesley: You cannot leave Sunnydale! With the power invested in me by the Council, I forbid it. Giles: Oh, yes, that should settle it. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: Unfortunately, that's all I could get out of my informant before his aggressive tendencies forced me to introduce him to Mr. Pointy. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Vampire: What are you doing? Willow: I'm looking for a sucking candy. 'Cause my mouth gets dry when I'm nervous, or held prisoner against my will. And suddenly I'm thinking "sucking" isn't a good word to use around vampires. Hey! Did you get permission to eat the hostage? I don't think so. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Willow: So Faith was like, "I'm gonna beat you up," and I'm all, "I'm not afraid of you." And then she had the knife, which was less fun. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: I feel the need for more sugar than the human body can handle. Willow: Mochas? Buffy: Yes, please. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Mayor Wilkins: She's pretty, Angel. A little skinny. Still don't understand why it couldn't work out with you and my Faith. I guess you kinda just have strange tastes in women. Angel: Yeah, well, what can I say? I like 'em sane. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Giles: I was just filling Buffy in on my progress regarding the research of Ascension. Wesley: Oh. And what took up the rest of the minute? Giles: Touche. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Willow: The school paper is edging on depressing lately. Have you guys noticed that? Oz: I don't know. I usually go straight to the obits. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Xander: You know Oz, I look at all this beauty, all these healthy young women and I wonder why I wasted my time on Cordelia. I mean, look at her. She's no better lookin' than the rest of them. Oz: None of them are really mine... Xander: Oh my God! He's lookin' at her. He's got his filthy adult Pierce Brosnany eyes all over my Cordy. Oz: You're a very complex man, aren't you? -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Angel: Hey. I won't let anything happen to you if I can help it. No matter what, I'll always be with you. Hey, I'll love you, even if you're covered with slime. Buffy: I liked everything until that part. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Oz: It was intense. Xander: Yeah, for a minute there I thought you were gonna make an expression. Oz: Well, I felt one coming on, I won't lie. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Xander: You have no shame. Cordelia: Oh please, like shame is something to be proud of. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Xander: Yeah, I mean who hasn't idly thought of taking out the place with a semi-automatic... I said idly. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Xander: I'm still having trouble with the fact that one of us is just going to gun everybody down for no reason. Cordelia: Yeah, because that never happens in American high schools. Oz: It's bordering on trendy at this point. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Oz: "Dingoes Ate My Baby played their instruments as if they had plump Polish sausages taped to their fingers." Freddy: Sorry man. Oz: No, it's fair. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Willow: So, you feelin' better about Angel? Buffy: Well, we talked, and then he ripped out the heart of a demon and fed it to me and then we talked some more. Willow: See, that's how it should work. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: Well, it's nice to help someone in a non-slaying capacity. Except, he's starting to get that look you know, like he's gonna ask me to Prom. Giles: Well, it'd probably be good for his self-esteem if you... Buffy: What am I, Saint Buffy? -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Giles: Feel up to some training? Buffy: Sure, we could work-out after school, you know, if you're not too busy having sex with my mother! -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Giles: Demons after money. Whatever happened to the still-beating heart of a virgin? No-one has any standards any more. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Xander: And on the day the words 'flimsy excuse' were redefined, we stood in awe and watched. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Xander: Hidden? Are there any engravings I should know about? Frolicking nymphs of some kind? -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Willow: Graduation day. There's a big scary unfun. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Xander: Yes. I feel so much better knowing that he broke my face in a good way. It's a good bruise. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Xander [about his pumpkin]: I don't know. I was going for ferocious-scary, but it's coming out more dryly sardonic. Willow: It does appear to be mocking you with its eye holes. Oz: Yeah, its nose hole seems sad and full of self-loathing. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: I was just thinking about the life of a pumpkin. Grow up in the sun, happily entwined with others, and then someone comes along, cuts you open, and rips your guts out. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Willow: Where's supportive boyfriend guy? Oz: Oh, he's picking up your dry-cleaning, but he told me to tell you he's afraid you're going to get hurt. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: Oh, that just paved right over memory lane, huh? -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Xander [taunting the fear demon]: Who's the little fear demon? Come on, who's the little fear demon? Giles: Don't taunt the fear demon. Xander: Why? Can he hurt me? Giles: No, it's just... tacky. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: There's no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate. Willow: I think I'm gonna barf. Buffy: Except that. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: How do you get to be renowned? I mean, like, do you have to be nowned first? Willow: Yes. First there's the painful nowning process. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: Sorry, 'Miss I-Chose-My-Major-in-Playgroup.' -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Conservative Girl: Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior? Buffy: Uh, you know I meant to, and then I just got really busy. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Willow: It's just in high school, knowledge was pretty much frowned upon; you really had to work to learn anything. But here, the energy, the collective intelligence, it's like this force, this penetrating force, and I can just feel my mind opening up, you know? And letting this place just thrust into and, and spurt knowledge into... that sentence ended up in a different place than it started out in. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: I'm with you, though. I'm all for spurty knowledge. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Willow: Oh, boyfriend! It's my on-campus boyfriend. Buffy: Oh no, I forgot to pick mine up. The line's probably really long now, too. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Willow: Well, Giles says he's enjoying being a gentleman of leisure. Buffy: Gentleman of leisure? Isn't that just British for unemployed? Willow: Uh uh. He's a slacker now. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Willow: He said he wasn't coming back until he'd driven to all fifty states. Buffy: Did you explain about Hawaii? Willow: Well, he seemed so determined. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Eddie: "Of Human Bondage". Have you ever read it? Buffy: Oh, I'm not really into porn. I mean, I'm just trying to cut way back. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Unskinny Vamp: Does this sweater make me look fat? Sunday: No. The fact that you're fat makes you look fat. That sweater just makes you look purple. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Giles: I'm not supposed to have a private life? Buffy: No. Because you're very, very old and it's gross. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Stoner Vamp: Uh, are we gonna fight, or is there just gonna be a monster sarcasm rally? -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Sunday: Don't take this the wrong way, but you fight like a girl. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Xander: And you're sitting here at the Bronze looking like you just got diagnosed with cancer of the puppy. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Xander: Let's put this bitch in the ground! What do ya' say? Buffy: I think, I say thank you. Xander: And nothing says thank you like dollars in the waistband. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Willow: Buffy wouldn't just take off. That's just not in her nature. Except for that one time she disappeared for several months and changed her name, but there were circumstances then. There's no circumstances! -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Willow: How can you be so calm? Oz: Long, arduous hours of practice. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Xander: Do we hug? Oz: I think we're too manly. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Xander: Well some friends of Buffy played a funny joke and they took her stuff and now she wants us to help get it back from her friends who sleep all day and have no tans. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: Let me answer that question with a head butt. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Giles: Faith has you at a disadvantage, Buffy. Buffy: 'Cause I'm not crazy, or 'cause I don't kill people? Giles: Both, actually. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Angel: Ow. Buffy: Stealthy. Angel: Not my best entrance. I think they were mopping in the halls. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Anya: Men *like* sports. I'm sure of it. Xander: Yes. Men like sports. Men watch the action movie, they eat of the beef, and they enjoy to look at the bosoms. A thousand years of avenging our wrongs, and that's all you've learned? -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Wesley: This is mutiny. Buffy: I like to think of it as graduation. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Xander: Here's your coffee. Brewed from the finest Colombian lighter fluid. Giles: Horrible. Xander: Aren't you supposed to be drinking tea anyway? Giles: Tea is soothing. I wish to be tense. Xander: Okay, but you're destroying a perfectly good cultural stereotype here. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Cordelia: I personally don't think it's possible to come up with a crazier plan. Oz: We attack the Mayor with hummus. Cordelia: I stand corrected. Oz: Just keeping things in perspective. Cordelia: Thank you. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: I'm gonna need every single on of you on board. Especially you, Xander. You're sorta the key figure here. Xander: Key? Me? Okay, pride. Humility. And here's the mind numbing fear. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: Faith told me to play on his human weakness. Willow: Faith told you? Is that before or after you put her in a coma? Buffy: After. Willow: Oh. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: My God. He's gonna do the entire speech. Willow: Man, just ascend already. Buffy: Evil. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Devon: We're gonna have them glued to their seats. Willow: Uh, Devon. Aren't they supposed to dance? Oz: Well, we can glue them to the dance floor. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Parker: What's that. Buffy: What's what? Parker: You have a scar. Buffy: Right, um... angry puppy. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Anya: Sometimes, in my dreams, you're all naked. Xander: Really? You know, if I'm in the checkout lane at the Wal-Mart I've had the same one. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Oz: Yeah, we came to warn you about the... angry puppy. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Harmony: Is Antonio Banderas a vampire? Spike: No. Harmony: Oh. Can I make him a vampire? Spike: No. Wait, on second thought, yeah, go do that. Take your time. Do Melanie and the kids as well. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Anya [to Xander, regarding sex]: I think it's the secret to getting you out of my mind. Putting you behind me. Behind me figuratively -- I'm thinking face to face for the event itself. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Anya: I like you. You're funny and you're nicely shaped, and frankly it's ludicrous to have these interlocking bodies and not... interlock. Please remove your clothing now. Xander: And the amazing thing? Still more romantic than Faith. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Parker: You think I could get a dance with the prettiest girl at the party? Buffy: And what will I do? Just stand here and watch? -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Harmony: You love that tunnel more than me. Spike: I love syphilis more than you. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Spike: What a fantastic day. Birds singin', squirrels makin' lots of rotten little squirrels, the sun beaming down in a nice non-fatal way. It's very exciting. I can't wait to see if I freckle. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: Am I repulsive? If there was something repulsive about me, you'd tell me, right? Willow: I'm your friend. I would call you repulsive in a second. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Forrest: How are you going to learn anything if you keep doing schoolwork? -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Forrest: Check her out. Is she hot, or is she hot? Riley: She's Buffy. Forrest: Buffy. I like that. "The girl's so hot, she's Buffy." Riley: That's her name, Forrest. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Riley: There's definitely something off about her. Graham: Maybe she's Canadian. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Xander: Well, how about this: we whip out the Ouija board, light a few candles, summon some ancient unstoppable evil? Mayhem, mayhem, mayhem; we show up and and kick its ass. Giles [pauses to contemplate]: A wee bit unethical. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Xander: How's Will doing... Buffy: With the black hole of despair she's been living in since Oz left? She's dealing. I'm helping. It's hard. Ergo party. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: Now if you'll excuse me, I need go find something slutty to wear tonight. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Willow: OK, say that I help, and you start a conversation, it goes great, you like Buffy, she likes you, you spend time together, feelings grow deeper, and one day, without even realizing it, you find you're in love. Time stops, and it feels like the whole world is made for you two, and you two alone, until the day one of you leaves and rips the still-beating heart from the other, who's now a broken, hollow mockery of the human condition. Riley: Yep, that's the plan. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Willow: She likes cheese... I'm not saying it's the key to her heart, but Buffy... she likes cheese. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Willow [to Riley]: OK, she's wearing the halter top with sensible shoes. That means mostly dancing, light contact, but don't push your luck. Heavy conversation's out of the question. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Willow [to Riley]: If you hurt her, I will beat you to death with a shovel. A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend. Have fun! -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Riley: You don't understand, I'm good at things. That's what I do. I work hard, apply myself, get it done. Willow: Well, you failed extremely well. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: And what are we if not women up to a challenge? Willow: Exactly. I mean, did we not put the 'grr' in 'girl'? -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: Um, he had a cloak on, glowy green eyes, and his skin had that, like, that super bad fake rub-on tan. Giles: Translate? Buffy: Um, orangey? -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Giles: You took your roommate patrolling with you? Buffy: Well, I invited the whole dorm, but she was the only one who could make it. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Parker: Ex-boyfriend or loan shark? Buffy: Excuse me? Parker: The person you're hiding from. Buffy: Oh. Both. Ugly break-up. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Kathy: Eww! Who left their gum here? Buffy: Gum-gnome? -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: And the worst part: I wake up and there's Kathy staring at me like I'm some kind of freak. Oz: Well, actually, the worst part, I'd have to go with the demon pouring the blood down your throat. Willow: Me too. I would vote for that, too. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Kathy: Hmm. Sounds like somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Buffy: And guess what? You were next to it! -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: Cool. You guys can do the brain thing. I'm gonna go to class. Oz: Which could also be construed as the brain thing. Buffy: Not when you're minoring in Napping 101. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: So then she's like, 'It's share-time.' And I'm like, 'Oh yeah? Share this!' [punches the air a few times] Oz: So either you hit her or you did your wacky mime routine for her. Buffy: Well, I didn't do either, actually. But she deserved it, don't ya think? Oz: Nobody deserves mime, Buffy. Buffy: Kathy does. She deserves to be locked in an invisible box and blown away by an imaginary wind, and... Oz: Forced to wear a binding unitard? Buffy: Yeah, the itchy kind! It's perfect! -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: She's the Titanic! She's a crawling black cancer! [kicks out and breaks a nearby bench] She's... other really bad things! Oz: Well, on the plus side you killed the bench, which was looking shifty. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Willow: Giles. I just talked to Buffy and, yeah, I think she's feeling a little crazy. No, not bitchy crazy, more like homicidal maniac crazy. So I told her to come see you, 'kay? -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: She irons her jeans. She's evil. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Xander: Why couldn't Giles have shackles like any self-respecting bachelor? -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy [staking a vampire]: And they say one person can't make a difference. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Anya: Soon he'll be sweating. I'm imagining having sex with him again. Buffy: Imaginary Xander is quite the machine. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Willow: The coroner's office said she was missing an ear, so I'm thinking maybe we're looking for a witch. There's some great spells that work much better with an ear in the mix. Buffy: That's one fun little hobby you got there, Will. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Giles: Yes, always behind on terms. I'm still trying not to refer to you lot as 'bloody colonials.' -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Willow: You know, I don't think you want to help! You just want to slay the demon and go 'la, la, la.' -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Willow: Angel? I saw him too. Giles: That's not terribly stealthy of him. Willow: I think he's lost his edge. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Angel: The prom? Buffy: End of high school, rite of passage thingy. Think cotillion with spiked punch and the electric slide. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Anya: You know, you can laugh, but I have witnessed a millennium of treachery and oppression from the males of the species. And I have nothing but contempt for the whole libidinous lot of them. Xander: Then why are you talking to me? Anya: I don't have a date for the prom. Xander: Well, gosh. I wonder why not? It couldn't have anything to do with your sales pitch. Anya: Men are evil. Will you go with me? Xander: One of us is very confused, and I honestly don't know which. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: I always say that a patrol's not complete without a trip to the stinking sewers. Angel: I'm sure I saw him come down here. Buffy: Couldn't we just let this be the vamp that got away? We can say he was this big. Angel: What can I say? I need closure. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: I'm gonna give you all a nice, fun, normal evening if I have to kill every person on the face of the Earth to do it. Xander: Yay? -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Anya: Look, I know you find me attractive. I've seen you looking at my breasts. Xander: Nothing personal, but when a guy does that, it just means his eyes are open. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy [to random vamp she's fighting]: You know very well, you eat this late... [stakes him]... you're gonna get heartburn. Get it? Heartburn? [He turns to dust] That's it? That's all I get? One lame-ass vamp with no appreciation for my painstakingly thought-out puns. I don't think the forces of darkness are even trying. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: She wants me to lead a discussion group next class. That means more work, right? Shouldn't she have a better reward system, you know, like a cookie, or a toy surprise like at the dentist? -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Willow: What if the girl wants to, and the guy doesn't? That's a bad sign, right? Xander: Could be. Or the girl caught the guy in one of the seven annual minutes he is legitimately too preoccupied to... do it. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Oz: Veruca was right about something. The wolf is inside me all the time, and I don't know where that line is anymore between me and it. And until I figure out what that means, I shouldn't be around you, or anybody. Willow: Well, that could be a problem, 'cause people... kind of a planetary epidemic. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Willow: Well, we try not to get killed. That's part of our whole mission statement. 'Don't get killed.' -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Oz: I don't know. I think we're kinda getting a rhythm down. Xander: We're losing half the vamps. Oz: Yeah, but... rhythmically. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Nurse: What are you doing? Buffy: Breaking into your office and going through your private files. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: I don't want any trouble. I just want to be alone and quiet in a room with a chair and a fireplace and a tea cozy. I don't even know what a tea cozy is, but I want one. Instead, I keep getting trouble, which I am more than willing to share. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Xander: You don't hide. You're bait. Go act baity. Cordelia: What's the plan? Xander: The vampire attacks you. Cordelia: And then what? Xander: The vampire kills you. We watch, we rejoice. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Ken: That... was not... permitted. Buffy: Yeah, but it was fun. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Oz: They're teenagers. It's a sobering mirror to look into, huh? -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: Giles at sixteen? Less 'Together Guy', more 'Bad-Magic-Hates-The- World-Ticking-Time-Bomb Guy'. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Giles: Right. It's good to see you. Um, no need to panic. Oz: Just a thought. Poker: not your game. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Giles: How long... *exactly* did you...rest your eyes for? Xander: A little now, uh, a little then. But I never heard Oz leave, and he was here in the morning when I, um...when I... Giles: WOKE UP! Xander: You could put it that way if you want to, Mr. Technical. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: Buffy Summers, reporting for sanity. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Cordelia: Oz ate someone last night. Willow: He did not! Xander: Oz does not eat people. It's more werewolf play. You know, I bat you around a little bit, like a cat toy. I have harmless, wolf fun. Is it Oz's fault that, you know, side effect, people get cut to ribbons, and maybe then he'll take a little nibble and... I'm not helping, am I? -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Scott: Well, my mom says that therapy can be completely helpful. Pete: Yeah, but your mom has the wattage of a Zippo lighter, Scott. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Angel: I'm sorry about the chains. It's not that I don't trust you... Actually, it is that I don't trust you. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Wesley: What can I do? I want to help. Buffy: You still got your ticket back to the mother country? -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: I'd like to find Willow and Xander. Joyce: Will you be slaying? Buffy: Only if they give me lip. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Xander: Whatever, we were kicking a little undead booty. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: What about home schooling? You know, it's not just for scary religious people anymore. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Giles: Unbelievable. 'Do you like my mask? Isn't it pretty? It raises the dead!' Americans. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Giles: Cordelia, it's me! It's me! Cordelia: How do we know it's really you and not zombie Giles? Giles: Cordelia, do stop being tiresome. Cordelia: It's him. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Xander: Generally speaking, when scary things get scared: not good. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Cordelia: Oh, you mean 'cause of how the only guy that ever liked her turned into a vicious killer and had to be put down like a dog? Xander: Can she cram complex issues into a nutshell, or what? -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Xander: And they say young people don't learn anything in high school nowadays, but, um, I've learned to be afraid. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: Is Willow around? Xander: How can I convince you people that it's over? You assume because I'm here, she's here, that I somehow mysteriously know where she is. Buffy: Those her books? Xander: Yeah, she's in the bathroom. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Giles: They're confiscating my books. Buffy: Giles, we need those books. Giles: Believe me, I tried to tell that to the nice man with the big gun. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: Mom, dead people are talking to you. Do the math. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: Wow, that was really funny-looking! Could you do it again? Vampire: I'll kill you for that. Buffy: For that? What were you trying to kill me for before? -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: I'm way off my game. My game's left the country. It's in Cuernavaca. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Willow: Now, now when you say 'fired', do you mean 'fired'? Xander: You're not cruising past that concept any time soon, are you? -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Spike: She just left. She didn't even care enough to cut off my head or set me on fire. I mean, is that too much to ask? You know? Some little sign that she cared? -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: You can trust some guys. Really, I've read about them. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Xander: And they burst in, rescuing us, without even knocking? I mean, this is really all their fault. Buffy: Your logic does not resemble our Earth logic. Xander: Mine is much more advanced. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: I don't play well with others. Now, I'm gonna ask you this once, and then I'm gonna get testy. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: Willow, you okay? Willow: Yeah, I'm fine. The shaking is a side effect of the fear. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Xander: Why is it that I've come face-to-face with vampires, demons, the most hideous creatures hell ever spit out, and I'm still afraid of a little bully like Jack O'Toole? Cordelia: Because, unlike all those other creatures that you've come face- to-face with, Jack actually noticed you were there. Xander: Why am I surprised by how comforting you're not? -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Xander: You're in a band. That's like a business-class ticket to cool with complimentary mojo after take-off. I gotta learn an instrument. Is it hard to play guitar? Oz: Not the way I play it. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Xander: You know, it's not like I haven't helped before. I've done some quality violence for these people. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: I'm the Slayer. [Riley looks blank] Slay-er. Chosen One. She who hangs out a lot in cemeteries. [He still looks blank] You're kidding me! Ask around. Look it up. Slayer, comma, The. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: I really thought that you were a nice, normal guy. Riley: I am a nice, normal guy. Buffy: Maybe by this town's standards, but I'm not grading on a curve. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Willow: So, naturally they're dealing with the crisis the only way they know how: 'Aftershock Party.' Buffy: Ah, this from the dorm that brought us the 'Somebody-Sneezed Party,' and the 'Day that Ends in Y Party.' Willow: They do seem to be pretty generous with their milestones. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Laurie: Well, I don't know. Maybe you have a thing for geeks. Percy: Uh, no. I like my women hot. Call me old-fashioned. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Riley: Buffy. She's pretty cool, huh? Forrest: Yes, already! She's cool. She's hot. She's tepid. She's all-temperature Buffy. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Giles: It's the end of the world. Buffy, Willow, and Xander: Again?! -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy [about mausoleums]: Big, freaky cereal boxes of death. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Riley: I don't know what's happened in your past. Buffy: Pain. Death. Apocalypse. None of it fun. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Xander: Think of the happy. If we don't find what we're looking for, we're facing the apocalypse. Spike [cheering up]: Really? You're not just saying that? -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Spike [to Willow and Xander]: Buffy fights the forces of evil. You're just her groupies. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Xander: Storm the Initiative? Yeah, let's take on those suckers! Buffy: I was thinking more that we'd hide. Xander: Oh thank God. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Willow: Well look who's cranky bear in the morning! Giles [who slept on Xander's inflatable chair]: Yes, I can't imagine why I didn't sleep well in my beach ball. Anya: Every time you moved it made squeaky noises. It was irritating. Giles: Really? I'm surprised you could hear it over your Wagnerian snoring. Buffy: OK you guys, could we not, please? Everything's screwed up enough without you two doing scenes from my parents' marriage. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Anya: You know you really should get yourself a boring boyfriend. Like Xander. You can't have Xander. Buffy: That was the idea. Riley was supposed to be Mr. Joe Guy. We were gonna do dumb things like hold hands through the daisies going 'tra la la.' Willow: Poor Buffy. Your life resists all things average. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: Just tell me I didn't snore. Willow: Very discrete. Minimal drooling. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Riley: So tell me about your dream. As a Psych major, I'm qualified to go 'Hmmm.' -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Spike: Sometimes I like to crumble the Weetabix in the blood. Gives it a little texture. Giles: Since the picture you just painted means that I will never touch food of any kind again, you'll just have to pick it up yourself. Spike: Sissy. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Anya: You don't need me. All you care about is lots of orgasms. [Giles and Spike stare at them.] Xander: OK, remember how we talked about private conversations? How they're less private when they're in front of my friends? Spike: Oh, we're not your friends; go on. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Giles: I have a friend who's coming to town, and I'd like us to be alone. Anya: Oh, you mean an orgasm friend? Giles: Yes, that's exactly the most appalling thing you could've said. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Willow [about the Boost Bars]: Those things usually taste kind of tasteless, then leave a bad aftertastelessness. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy [about her surprise party]: Of course, you could smash in all my toes with a hammer and it would still be the bestest Buffy birthday bash in a big long while. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Walsh: We thought you were a myth. Buffy: Well, you were myth-taken. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Riley: Buffy. When I saw you stop the world from, you know, ending, I just assumed that was a big week for you. It turns out I suddenly find myself needing to know the plural of apocalypse. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: I'm spending today with Riley. Willow: Oh yeah, I forgot, that's what you always do on days when the Earth rotates. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Riley: Buffy, I can't take you with me. Buffy: You're not taking me with you. I am going and I am letting you come along. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Tara: Do you like cats? Willow: I'm more of a dog person myself, but I'm not, like, death to all cats. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy [about Riley's concern about Willow dating a werewolf]: God, I never knew you were such a bigot! Riley: Whoa, hey, how did we get to bigot? I'm just saying it's a little weird to date someone who tries to eat you once a month. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Giles: How did you get in? Spike: The door was unlocked. You might want to watch that, Rupert. Someone dangerous could get in. Buffy: Or, someone formerly dangerous and currently annoying. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Anya: Xander! You said you wanted to check the board at the unemployment office this morning. [Looks under the covers at Xander] You can't go like that. They won't even interview you if you're naked. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Giles: Somehow our joining with Buffy and invoking the essence of the Slayer's power was an affront to the source of that power. Buffy: You know you could have brought that up to us before we did it. Giles: I did. I said there could be dire consequences. Buffy: Yes, but you say that about chewing too fast. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: Look at my poor neck... all bare, and tender, and exposed. All that blood, just pumping away. Spike: Giles, make her stop! Giles [to Willow]: If those two don't kill each other, I might lend a hand. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Xander: Will, not loving the drowning of the sorrows. Willow: Not drowning, wading. [Shows them the beer bottle] See, lite. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Riley: These spells, these really work? I mean, can you really turn your enemies inside out or learn to excrete gold coins? Anya: That one's not so much fun. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Giles: Perhaps there's some form of rehabilitation we just haven't thought about. Willow: And if not, ass-kicking makes a solid Plan B. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Willow [regarding Faith]: Ooh, I wish those council guys would let me have an hour alone in a room with her. If I was larger, and had grenades. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Spike [startling Giles]: You know, for someone who's got "Watcher" on his resume, you might want to cast an eye to the front door every now and again. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy [to Angel]: Let me guess. You thought of something else really hurtful to say, and, well, you couldn't tell me on the phone, because the funniest part is that look on my face. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: Are you crazy? You don't just sneak up on people in a graveyard. You make noise when you walk. You stomp or... yodel. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Willow: This shouldn't take long. I'm probably the only girl in school who has the coroner's office bookmarked as a favorite place. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Willow: Love makes you do the wacky. Buffy: That's the truth. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Angel: Milady, you'll find that with the exception of an honest day's work, there's no challenge I'm not prepared to face. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Willow: I don't *wanna* be our only hope! I crumble under pressure! Let's have another hope. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Xander: Cavalry's here. Cavalry's a frightened guy with a rock, but it's here. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Xander: Well, this is new territory for me. I mean, my Valentines are usually met with heartfelt restraining orders. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: Sorry to say, Xand, slaying is a tad more perilous than dating. Xander: Well, you're obviously not dating Cordelia. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Xander: Giles lived for school. He's actually still bitter that there are only twelve grades. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Angel: Maybe he's late. Buffy: Giles? Who counts tardiness as, like, the eighth deadly sin? -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: Impulsive? Do you remember my ex-boyfriend, the vampire? I slept with him, he lost his soul, now my boyfriend's gone forever, and the demon that wears his face is killing my friends. The next impulsive decision I make will involve my choice of dentures. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: So I'm treated like the baddie, just because he has a sprained wrist and a bloody nose... and I don't have a scratch on me... which, granted, hurts my case a little, on the surface... -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Cordelia: God, this is so sad. We're never gonna win the state championship. I think I've lost all will to cheerlead. Xander: Raise your hand if you feel her pain. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: Oh! I know this one! Slaying entails certain sacrifices, blah, blah, bitty blah, I'm so stuffy, gimme a scone. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Drusilla: I'm naming all the stars. Spike: You can't see the stars, love. That's the ceiling. Also, it's day. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Cordelia: Well, does looking at guns make you wanna have sex? Xander: I'm seventeen. Looking at linoleum makes me wanna have sex. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Oz: So, do you guys steal weapons from the Army a lot? Willow: Well, we don't have cable, so we have to make our own fun. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Giles: Cordelia, have you actually ever heard of tact? Cordelia: Tact is just not saying true stuff. I'll pass. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Xander: Well, there are no boxes for 'none of the above'. That would introduce too many variables into their mushroom-head, number- crunching little world. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Xander: What, and suck all the spontaneity out of being young and stupid? I'd rather live in the dark. Willow: You're not gonna be young forever. Xander: Yes, but I'll always be stupid. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Xander: No, it's a statistical impossibility for a sixteen-year-old girl to unplug her phone. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: It's your lucky day, Spike. Kendra: Two Slayers! Buffy: No waiting! -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Willow: It is nice. He's great. We have a lot of fun. But I want smoochies! Buffy: Have you dropped any hints? Willow: I've dropped anvils. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Spike: I was actually at Woodstock. That was a weird gig. I fed off a flower person, and I spent the next six hours watching my hand move. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Buffy: Cordelia, your mouth is open and sound is coming from it. This is never good. -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer % Xander: I'm exhausted just looking at those two. All this splashing, and jumping, and running... shouldn't relaxing involve less exertion? Anya: Absolutely. Exertion can lead to sweatiness. Tara: Which can cause the pain and heartbreak of stinkiness. Better to just stay put. % Willow: Now that I know there's something to know, I can't not know, just because I'm afraid somebody will know I know. You know? Giles: Did that mean yes? % Joyce: He seemed so nice and normal... a little pale. Willow: A good Sunnydale rule of thumb -- avoid white-skinned men in capes. % Buffy: See, this is a school, and we have students, and they check out books, and then they learn things. Giles: I was beginning to suspect that was a myth. % Giles: Buffy, when I said you could slay vampires and have a social life, I didn't mean at the same time. % Anya [to a customer who just finished her purchase]: Please go. Xander: Anya, the Shopkeepers of America called. They wanted me to tell you that "Please go" just got replaced with "Have a nice day." Anya: But I have their money. Who cares what kind of day they have? Xander: No one. It's just a long cultural tradition of raging insincerity. Embrace. % Xander: How could you let her go? Giles: As the soon-to-be-purple area of my jaw will attest, I did not let her go! % Riley: Besides, "I'm here to violate your firstborn" never goes over with parents. I'm not sure why. % Anya: Crap! Look at this. Now I'm burdened with a husband, and several tiny pink children, more cash than I can reasonably manage. Xander: That means you're winning. Anya: Really? Xander: Yes, cash equals good. Anya: Ooh, I'm so pleased! Can I trade in the children for more cash? % Buffy: Hmm, that much quality time with my mom would probably lead to some quality matricide. % Xander: I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away. %