%
Indeed, if we (as a society) took a bit more of a 'tough love' approach to 
things, really allowed people to suffer from their own bad choices, and 
made it damn clear that one can't just assume something is safe because 
"they couldn't sell it if it wasn't!", we might start seeing 'thinking' 
coming back into vogue.                          
        -- lizard
%
Do you have a point, or are you saving it for a special occasion?
        -- David P. Murphy
%
Here in the US, we are so schizoid and deeply opposed to government 
censorship that we insist on having unaccountable private parties
to do it instead.
        -- Bill Cole
%
Nazis are part of *every* government, everywhere, in all of human
history.  They're just not always called that.
        -- J.D. Baldwin
%
If you don't pay for criminally bad software through the nose, you will
never realize how much you are being ripped off!
        -- Pim van Riezen
%
Imagine a world where millions of companies were given the choice between
actually paying for the odd ten thousand dollars' worth of bug-infested 
agonizing doofusware or going for a quality free software solution that 
isn't being pushed on them like bad cocaine!
        -- Pim van Riezen
%
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, 
"You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Supervisors 
and Project Managers and no one noticed anything, and YOU had to go
and eat the janitor!"
%
The First Amendment protects all speech, no matter how offensive some 
people may find it. The site http://www.bonsaikitten.com/ is clearly a 
humorous endeavor.  The fact that a number of people seem to have very 
little sense of humor isn't relevant.
          -- Jered Floyd
%
I think Java is the best language going today, which is to say, it's the 
marginally acceptable one among the set of complete bagbiting loser 
languages that we have to work with out here in the real world. 
          -- Jamie Zawinski
%
Whenever someone says something exceedingly stupid, I feel it my duty to 
educate them. Plus, everyone else leaves and the meeting becomes de 
facto over.
          -- Rob Russell understands meetings
%
...would you work for a company that couldn't tell the difference in 
quality of its employees' normal work product and the work product of 
someone on drugs without performing a test?
          -- socks
%
I think I've finally worked out why the Irish drink Guinness. It's 
to lubricate their throat so they can speak their own language.
          -- David P.
%
Life is like a puzzle: amid these oddly shaped pieces there are two that fit 
each other.  They don't fit because they're perfect, they just fit because 
they're perfect for each other.  Apart, they are two pieces without
definition; together they complement each other and take on meaning.
          -- T.D. Jakes
%
Lurking in the dark, Kalashnikov in hand, Tiny Clanger watched as the Moon 
rose in the sky. Soon - very soon, he knew that the Soup-dragon would 
emerge from his well.
         -- "Revenge of the Clangers"
%
Contracting is a good, even honourable, way to earn a living, as long as
one hides the secret that it's possible to pave one's patio with 
gold bars.
         -- Dave, ex-BA
%
Welcome to Global Warming, everyone. It appears to be globally 
warmer, and if that isn't Global Warming, then What The Fsck Is?
         -- Mike Andrews
%
If the shit stops flying, worry, because this means that the Universe has 
just been out for a curry and beers, and has securely corked its hairy arse 
in preparation for dumping a real load on you at some time in the future...
         -- Dan Holdsworth
%
Some days violence is just a nice quick solution to a problem that
would need thought, planning and actual work to do justice to. 
         -- Wayne Pascoe
%
Harvey: I say bomb them!
Panel:  But there's innocent people in those countries.
Harvey: Move! The bombs are coming!
         -- Boston Public
%
As a survival strategy, you've got to admit that being-liked-by-man ain't 
too shabby.  Works for dogs, cats, oxen, apples &c.  Never worked too well
for wolves, bears, woolly mammoths &c.  Results are not yet in regarding 
kudzu and head-lice.
         -- Robert Uhl
%
So I got to play distributed systems Jenga: take an undocumented pile
of interdependent machines, and remove as many machines as possible
without making the whole thing come crashing down.
         -- Logan
%
Stubborness will get you where self-esteem won't let you go.
         -- Queen of Swords
%
Here's an idea: tell [James Bond] he's got three minutes [to escape]
and actually give him three seconds and blow his martini-drinking ass
into a million pieces. 
          -- Mr. Cranky, reviewing 'Goldeneye'
%
Hi, I'm Marc Andreesen, and after a hard day working on our piss-poor
browser, I need to relax with a piss-poor beer!
          -- Malcolm Ray, on Marc's Miller Lite beer ads
%
I've never understood why women douse themselves with things that 
are alleged to smell of roses/tulips/freesias. What exactly are they 
trying to attract?  Bees?
          -- Tanuki
%
I'm not going to be a place that allows viruses to go unpunished. 
Anything virus-ridden gets cleaned, anything that can't gets deleted. 
Period. Fuck anyone who doesn't take heed. This is my network.
          -- ben@lspace.org
%
I have 360 joules worth of `bite me' slung over my shoulder, and I
say otherwise!
          -- Bob Czagrinski, EMT-D, to Death
%
You're not real -- you're a hallucination induced by caffeine and lack 
of sleep. I get them all the time. Last week, I worked an extrication 
with the Easter Bunny. He sucks at spinal immobilization, by the way...
          -- Bob Czagrinski, EMT-D, to Death
%
I saw part of a telecast of some Wagner opera or other on TV one time. It took
two characters the best part of an hour to say "Oh! Hello!" to each other. At
that point I turned it off, even though I was in grave danger of missing the
first five or six minutes of "How're you doing?"
          -- Dave Brown
%
Hogshead now has a stated policy of Not Doing Business With Fuckwits, which 
has saved me enormous amounts of heartache over the last few months.
I recommend it.
          -- James Wallis, Hogshead Publishing
%
I blame the teachers, and I blame the politicians for picking the teachers,
and I blame the parents for voting them in, and top of the list I put the 
bastard who invented the caps-lock key.
          -- Chris Hacking
%
Oysters?  Ah, bah, they are overrated, mon ami.  I had ten oysters 
yesterday night - yes, ten!!!! and only seven of them worked.
%
"lost+found: out of space. Expand? (y/n)"
*AAAARGGGH*
         -- Paul Boven
%
...computers *still* are profoundly brittle and stupid, they are simply 
vastly more subtle in their stupidity and brittleness.
         -- Bruce Sterling, "The Hacker Crackdown"
%
Yes, Java is so bulletproofed that to a C programmer it feels like being in
a straitjacket, but it's a really comfy and warm straitjacket, and the world 
would be a safer place if everyone was straitjacketed most of the time.
         -- Mark Hughes
%
After 30 years, it should be pretty bloody obvious to everyone (but
apparently the memo has missed a few people) that all but the very best
C programmers are nothing but a danger to themselves and others.
        -- Mark Hughes
%
People advocating C as the generic language of choice make the same big
mistake that I think people may be making when advocating unrestricted gun
ownership, legalized harddrugs, an end to speedlimits in traffic and a
computer on every desktop...
        -- Pim van Riezen
%
I read [.doc files] with "rm". All you lose is the microsoft-specific 
font selections, the macro viruses and the luser babblings.
        -- Gary "Wolf" Barnes
%
War seems to have been the pleasure, genius, and recreation of the 
Hiltons; nor has any family been more lavish of their blood in defence 
of their country's cause.
        -- Musgrave
%
And why is it necessary to take several steps to do a simple job when 
one would do?  That is what automation is supposed to be all about 
isn't it?  To save time and effort, not make things worse!
        -- Lee Shafer
%
Usenet is a co-operative venture, backed by nasty people -
follow the standards.
        -- Chris Rovers
%
The people here have other bones to pick -- possibly including yours.
        -- Mike Andrews
%
FAQs are like flatulence. Any asshole can produce them.
        -- Toni L
%
So I was reading Twelfth Night ... and would you believe that the I LOVE
YOU hoax is the exact same trick Shakespeare uses to point out what an
arrogant, self-absorbed fool Malvolio is?
        -- Julia McKinnell
%
"Integration by parts -- a very powerful technique."
Teaching by intimidation -- also a very powerful technique.
        -- Logan Shaw, quoting Chuck Odle, his Calculus teacher
%
> *You* I understand:  you're too damned picky.
Granted.  It's another in my grand list of Flaws That Would Be Tragic
Had I Any Redeeming Virtues:-)
        -- dpm and Robert Uhl
%
> Which ISPs provide write-only Usenet access?
From the state of Usenet in general?  All of them.
        -- J.D.Baldwin and Derick Siddoway
%
And it should be the law: If you use the word 'paradigm' without knowing
what the dictionary says it means, you go to jail.  No exceptions.
        -- David Jones
%
Genesis: The Book of Simon
Exodus:  keeping Them out of your office
Numbers: the DENY table
        -- The BOFH Bible
%
Leviticus: essential BOFH clothing yeas and nays
Judges:    Micro$oft guilty as Hell
Job:       why TPTB are out to make your life miserable
        -- The BOFH Bible
%
Mark:     with an axe
John:     where to flush your lusers 
Letters:  LARTing from Alpha to Omega
        -- The BOFH Bible
%
Titus:  things that lusers get on
Acts:   of violence
        -- The BOFH Bible 
%
Hebrews:    home-based liquid recovery
Revelation: everything sucks
        -- The BOFH Bible
%
Oh, it's hard to say "Oli makiti luka chi chi chi",
but in Tonga that means "No".
        -- Flanders and Swan, "A Philological Waltz"
%
God must get pretty depressed about suicide. If you think about it, God gives 
you this really cool present - your life - and it's like the best mecchano or 
constructor set in the world. 
        -- Simon Travaglia
%
> No wonder women and cats get along so well. They understand each other,
> being so similar in requirements.
Now I'm no expert in women, but I'd not convinced that all you need to please 
a woman is to feed her stinky meat and clean out the dirt tray as appropriate.
        -- Jay Maynard and Peter Corlett
%
DON'T MAKE THAT FACE WHEN I TELL YOU TO READ THE F*CKING MANUAL! IT'S GOOD 
FOR YOU I SAY! READ THE F*CKING MANUAL! How do you think I found out how 
the machine works? DID I SIT AROUND ASKING SOMEBODY FOR A FEW MONTHS??
        -- Beable van Polasm
%
The only problem is that if we found the Holy Grail, we'd have to support it
and explain to the lusers which way to tip it so that they don't get the 
elixer of life down the front of their tasteless shirts.
        -- Wayne Pascoe
%
After all, why in the world would any employer want happier, better educated 
employees who are more in touch with current technical developments in their
field of work?   That would interfere with too many existing arrangements. 
        -- Curt
%
Died.  Woke up in Hell.  Punched in PIN, logged on.  Just another day.
        -- David Gerard
%
Bill Gates is a true genius.  He's made installing and maintaining windows 
apps so ridiculously difficult and expensive that businesses and consumers 
will actually buy into the idea of having their applications on someone 
else's server.
        -- Ukab the Great
%
My kettle just sits there steaming, and won't tell me anything.
Much like my first wife.
        -- Paul Tomblin
%
Exploit is announced.
Server runs an old version.
A root compromise.
        -- Alan J Rosenthal
%
...and if you don't like it then you can stick it up your arse 
and fart silly tunes through it for all I care. 
        -- Matt McLeod
%
It's a house of cards, supported not on the backs of turtles but on bullshit.
Making the bullshit gooier makes the house of cards less likely to collapse,
but is not necessarily an improvement.
        -- Alan J Rosenthal
%
Sign on door of computing lecturer: "If your project is 90% right,
I have give you a distinction, your employer will fire you."
        -- Zebee
%
"Think?" I asked.  "I don't think.  I'm a witness.  Someone asks me a 
question, and I answer it as honestly as I can.  How could I be on 
anyone's *side*?"
       -- dpm
%
I've long believed that a large amount of our current technology
was invented by SF writers, and remained fiction until some geek
read it and thought "I know how to build that".
       -- Andrew Dalgleish
%
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that's 
not why we're doing it.
       -- Richard Feynman
%
If you refer to a woman as any form of waterborne African mammal 
then a quick death is absolutely the *best* thing that could
happen to you next.
       -- Adi
%
AFAICT, most national capitals have already reached bogon criticality,
passed it, seen it in the rear view memory and now look back on the
moment as a fond, if distant, memory.
       -- Robert Uhl
%
Novice: "Master, does Emacs have the Buddha nature?"
The master pondered for several minutes.
Master: "I don't see why not.  It has bloody everything else."
%
As convenient as it is for information to come to us, libraries do have a
valuable side effect: they force all of the smart people to come together
in one place where they can interact with one another. 
       -- Neal Stephenson
%
Medication did wonders for me, Dave. Perhaps it could for you, if a 
crowbar and half a pound of axle grease counts as medication.
       -- Red Drag Diva
%
Boss: There wasn't anything there, so I removed it.
Me:   Wasn't any _what_ _where_, and if there wasn't anything, what did 
      you remove?
       -- JDW
%
One could teach a child to Google but one _still_ should
make them think.
       -- Maarten Wiltink
%
Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, 
because God is not capricious or arbitrary.  No such faith comforts 
the software engineer.
       -- Fred Brooks, Jr.
%
[Hunt for Red October] also passed the "Is this believable" test.  
Such as, software that classes unknown sounds as sea animals mating ...
       -- rwp
%
Alas the owner cleaned up after facing a threat of a lawsuit by an
editor who picked up what he thought was a cable to discover that
there is no place to plug a viper into a 3/4" editing deck.
       -- uproar@nac.net
%
...my standard response to statements like "We _must_ implement multi-
processor object-oriented Java-based client-server technologies 
immediately!" was "You know, FORTRAN and slide rules put men on the 
moon and got them back safely multiple times."
       -- mroberds
%
May all their sendmail.cf files be edited in notepad and returned,
only to be read at the next reboot.
       -- Tom O'Neil
%
Mentally update my CV, paying special attention to the bits
about how to say "Was Fired For Being A Prat" in a positive light.
       -- Eric the Read's bad day
%
Since the prairies see westerly winds more often than not, that must 
mean that either Calgary blows or Toronto sucks.  Take your pick.
       -- D. Joseph Creighton
%
The average banker could benefit tremendously from a good kick to 
the head at precisely-timed intervals
       -- Dan Holdsworth
%
You cannot run Windows innocently.  Guilt of aiding & abetting, at 
the very least, is automatic.
       -- dpm
%
You come in to this world naked, screaming and covered in blood,
but if you live your life right it doesn't have to stop there
%
As it should be - snipe at *.mil and expect to drop any plans for 
the rest of that day.
       -- Alex
%
> Best job interview question I've heard[1]: "So, do you have 15 years
> of experience with Java?"
"No, it just seems like 15 years...."
       -- Geoff Lane
%
So if the only banging you're getting is from a disconnected Cisco router, 
I urge you to consider the path to true enlightenment:  The Shallow way. 
       -- "The Rewards of Being Superficial", Dr. J
%
But really, I'm neither a "Before" nor an "After" - I'm an "In Progress". 
       -- Simon Travaglia
%
Documentation: Cryptic, lacking, erroneous.  Pick any three.
       -- Arvid
%
Three of your friends throw up after eating chicken salad.  Do you think
"I should find more robust friends" or "we should check that refrigerator"?
       -- Donald Becker, on vortex-bug, suspecting a network-wide problem
%
Can't get out of 'vi'?  Common problem.  Don't worry, I'm here to help.  
Just log in as root and type "init 0".  It works for pretty much any 
problem you might have with Linux.  No, no, no.  Thank /you/.  
       -- Mikey Raeder
%
"Harry very carefully read the manual - four times - because Snape would 
cut off his breathing privs if he asked him a question that the manual
could answer..."
       -- Harry Potter and the Book Of The BOFH
%
"erotic" is when you use a feather.
"kinky" is when you use the whole chicken.
"depraved" is when you cook the chicken afterwards and serve it to 
   her mother for Sunday dinner.
"bizarre" is when she asks for the recipe
"just plain sick" is when you give it to her
"... while telling her the recipe."
%
Here at WeSellCellPhones, I was pleased to hear that they believe in 
"work-life balance." What it turned out this actually means is that 
your work is your life, and is by definition balanced...
       -- JDF
%
I realized recently that my personal happiness and sanity are worth far 
more than anything an employer can pay me, and that nothing is worth that 
twisting feeling you get in your gut every morning as you drag yourself 
out of bed and to a job you can't stand.
       -- MC Langston
%
If I have to deal with another salesweasel, I shall scream, if only to 
cover the sound caused by me ripping his head from his body to use the 
carcass as a footstool.
       -- MC Langston
%
Today is a good day.  Not because anything wonderful is happening, so 
much, but because my definition of a 'bad day' has been revised.
       -- Chris Klein
%
Mr Gallup said the findings may also apply to women who engage 
in unprotected oral sex and people who engage in anal sex. But 
he said further research was needed in these areas.
       -- BBC News report, 26/06/02
%
It took people a long time to figure out which machine was doing it,  
and even longer to figure out how.  But for some reason it didn't take
them any time at all to figure that I'd done it.
       -- Paul Tomblin
%
Doctrine, n. 
  A third-rate substitute for thinking, much beloved of politicians and
  other such morons, since thinking comes so hard to these.
       -- Dan Holdsworth
%
"Hunting Osama bin Laden is hard!"
       -- Special Forces Barbie
%
The implication of the camel on the front of the Perl book is, I think,
quite clear: Perl programmers permanently have the hump and are 
predisposed towards spitting.
       -- Jonathan Page
%
C programmers don't worry about whether their software does what they
want, because if they did then they wouldn't be writing it in C.
       -- Dave Jackson, 11/07/2002
%
Knuth is definitely the bastard something from hell. I just admire him 
from a distance, it's safer.
       -- Peter da Silva 
%
I don't need speed-reading,
I need speed-bookcase-building.
        (with thanks to Nancy Lebovitz)
%
If killing them all to a man is not an option then you are better off to 
simply leave them to slowly self destruct under their own incompetance.
       -- Dag
%
"Colin decided then and there that the female mind was a strange and 
 incomprehensible organ -- one whichno man should even attempt to 
 understand.  There wasn't a woman alive who could go from point A to 
 B without stopping at C, D, X and 12 along the way."
       -- Julia Quinn
%
a) log a message at user.emerg of the form "DANGER!  MORON ON /dev/pts/1"
b) print to stderr "NO!  WRONG!  TOTALLY WRONG!  WHERE'D YOU LEARN THIS?
                    STOP DOING IT!"
       -- Jeremiah Weiner 
%
O Canada, we stand ready to sit down and discuss our problems
in a civilized fashion for thee. 
       -- wednesday
%
Remember, you're dealing with developers.  If they knew what they were
doing, they wouldn't be doing it.
       -- Mike A
%
As a married man, 'sex' is defined as sexual activity with SWMBO, period. 
Anything that does not fit within those bounds is filed under either 
stupidity or suicide and possibly both...
       -- K. Josey
%
Eric:    "I want to live in a world where software doesn't suck." 
Richard: "Any software that isn't free sucks."           ]
Linus:   "I'm interested in free beer."
%
Furthermore, [your wishlist item] would end up being the sort of system
feature that we in software engineering call an "SPR generator".
        -- Paul Winalski
%
It's the _target_ that supposed to go "F00F", not the processor.
        -- Mike Andrews, on Pentiums in missiles
%
There is alleged to be an airport whose designator is ARP but I've 
never got any response to my attempts to locate it.
        -- Tanuki
%
Legacy (adj):
  an uncomplimentary computer-industry epithet that means 'it works'.
        -- Anthony DeBoer
%
Kyoto dealt with Global Warming.  Disposing of lawyers cuts down the
production of Hot Air, and thus is encouraged by the Kyoto Accords.
        -- Keith Glass
%
We know that people are inevitably the weakest link in the security chain. 
We must therefore work to remove the opportunity for human-error from each 
step of that chain. This means removing people.  Including you.
        -- From "_A_W_O_L_"
%
The biggest problem with democracy is that it is, in effect, the rule
by the whim of the moment. 
        -- Keith Glass
%
There are many types of bigotry, some of them completely OK and
acceptable. This is the acceptable type called "postjudice".
        -- Mike Andrews
%
Grad: But at University we learned that project management isn't hard.
PM:   It would be if we didn't have half the resources, half the 
      programmers and half the time needed to do the project.
%
You know the saying, every time you develop an idiot proof system they
develop a better type of idiot... and now you know who "they" are.
       -- Matthew Malthouse
%
Sometimes, when a luser makes an unreasonable demand, the best thing
to do is let them have exactly what they ask for.
       -- Joe Zeff
%
If Alan Turing was alive today, the homosexuality
would be OK but he'd be in trouble for codebreaking.
       -- Martin Bacon
%
At the other end of the Swiss Cheese are Sod and Murphy and malign 
furies with the knitting needle.
       -- James Reason
%
Stages of poor safety management #1: Blame 
  There are bad apples, but the barrel is okay
       -- James Reason
%
Stages of poor safety management #2: Denial 
  If the barrel is okay what the others are saying is just
  stupid/malicious
       -- James Reason
%
Stages of poor safety management #3:
 Blinkered pursuit of the wrong kind of excellence - 
 Sanction the bad apples, gag the whistle-blowers.
        -- James Reason
%
"If you do not really understand the nature of the safety war - which is a
guerrilla war - you are going to lose - entropy will get you in the end.
What you've got to do is delay the last helicopter out of Saigon."
        -- James Reason
%
Numbers are a Procrustean bed into which we squeeze data.
        -- James Reason
%
You have to brainstorm the new possible failures by asking: 
"What new and ingenious way could Sod use to get us?"
        -- James Reason
%
Bugger me!  Rocket science is trivial compared with safety management.
        -- James Reason
%
Chance does not look at 'deserving' or 'undeserving' - it protects and 
it damages.
        -- James Reason
%
You have to say every day "Today is going to be a really bad day" and
prepare for it.  But you have to do it on an organisational level.  You
can't do it on an individual level or your stomach lining corrodes.
        -- James Reason
%
Target zero (accidents) is dangerous.  I understand the pressures: which
mother's son shall we kill today?  But God help the supervisor that reports
the next accident.  It communicates the wrong war - there will never be 
an end.
        -- James Reason
%
In Africa, some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground
with clubs and uttering spine-chilling cries.  Anthropologists call this
a form of primitive self-expression.  In the West, we call it golf.
%
It's a good restaurant if you can smell your steak before you can see it
as the waiter is bringing it to your table.  It's a *great* restaurant
if you can _hear_ your steak before you can smell it.
        -- dpm
%
Happiness is a belt-fed toaster.
        -- Chris Suslowicz
%
"How would you like your steak cooked?" # 1
  "A good dose of antibiotics ought to get it back on the range."
     -- Ralph Wade Phillips
%
"How would you like your steak cooked?" # 2
  "I've seen cows hurt worse than that get up and walk away."
     -- Mike Andrews
%
"How would you like your steak cooked?" # 3
  "If the cow was branded, the steak is done."
     -- Brad Spaulding
%
"How would you like your steak cooked?" # 4
  "I want it so a good vet could save it."
     -- mroberds 
%
"How would you like your steak cooked?" # 5
  "I've seen better-cooked steak running through a bushfire."
     -- Iain Chalmers
%
"How would you like your steak cooked?" # 6
  "Chop its horns off and wipe its bum."
     -- Iain Chalmers
%
Ayn Rand's writings never make perfect sense.  She never realized that
people will choose short-term profits which require long-term payments.
      -- dpm
%
I mean, if went 'round saying I was a perl hacker, just because some 
moistened bint lobbed a "Perl for Dummies" at me, they'd put me away!
      -- Randy the Random
%
It isn't the volts that kill, it's the missing brain waves.
%
No wonder Unix makes you feel boxed in. It ties you to an inflexible system. 
It requires you to pay for expensive experts.  It makes you struggle daily 
with a server environment that's more complex than ever.
      -- Microsoft ad proving that irony isn't dead
%
If anyone tells me to work smarter, not harder, I will kick him or her, hard,
in a random body part.  I will then kick him or her a second time, "smarter,
not harder," which is to say that on the second strike, I'll use the same
force, but target more carefully.       -- Catherine 
%
"The surreality of the universe tends towards a maximum"  -- Skud's Law 
"Never formulate a law or axiom that you're not prepared to live with   
 the consequences of."  -- Skud's Meta-Law 
%
Fortunately, he was promoted far enough up the management ladder that he 
no longer has any real responsibility and is kept far away from sharp or
dangerous objects - such as cc, gcc, vi and emacs.
    -- Curt Fennell 
%
If you had the chance of making the amount of pain your lusers had to 
suffer dependent on the number of windows on their screens, you would 
seize the opportunity, wouldn't you?
   --  Abigail
%
I use shell scripts at ork. Some cow-orkers refuse to touch them, their 
excuse is usually "I don't understand perl".  Their fear of perl is such
that all things unknown are also perl.
   -- Andrew Dalgleish
%