The thing that gets me is that one of the arguments that landed
Robert Morris, author of "the internet worm" in jail was all
the sysadmins' time his prank cost. Yet the author of sendmail
is still walking around free without even a U (for Unixery)
branded on his forehead.
           -- Nicolas Pioch
%
Satan sincerely believes in the triumph of Evil.
Gates just does it for the money.
           -- http://www.fourmilab.ch/documents/top10.html
%
I wouldn't touch ActiveX with a 10-foot polecat. I might, however, let one
loose on the developers.
           -- Anonymous
%
NOW I've heard it all.  Problem: expensive application from large
well known company keeps crashing. Vendor solution: 'Oh, someone at your
site must be kill -9ing it accidently.  Our reccomendation is to rename
the kill command.'
           -- Matthew Crosby
%
Mutually consenting classes may of course do whatever they like with each
other, but even that doesn't necessarily make it right.
           -- Programming Perl, 2nd ed.
%
*DON'T DO THIS*.  It is *BAD* engineering.  *BAD* engineers *DESERVE* to be
unemployed, living under park benches, and feeding off of slow moving
pigeons.
           -- Terry Lambert, in comp.unix.bsd.freebsd.misc
%
Life gets boring, someone invents another necessity, and once again we
turn the crank on the screwjack of progress hoping that nobody gets
screwed.
	   -- Larry Wall
%
10 ways to stop users mistaking you for a normal person (4): When booting a
workstation, shout out all console output 1/2 a second before it appears.
Do this with your eyes closed and fists clenched.
	   -- Steve Mitchell in the Monastery
%
The more idiot proof the software, the more it encourages the user to be
careless and not think. Therefore, idiot-proof software actually encourages,
contributes and actually CAUSES lusers to be stupid.
	   -- The Strong Lusethropic Principle by Ben Cantrick
%
As more idiot-proof software becomes available, more idiots are able to use
computers. Idiot-proof software did not make or cause computer lusers; it
simply allowed lusers to use computers where they could not before.
	   -- The Weak Lusethropic Principle by Ben Cantrick
%
Let me further clarify; Anyone who does anything the US media can't
understand is either a Marilyn Manson fan, a Satanist, gay, an abortion
doctor or Bill Clinton.
			-- Benno
%
You really know you're in trouble when your boss decides upon a suicide
pact... and agrees to go first.
           -- Chris King
%
I'm a Darwinian carnivore.  I only eat things that weren't fit enough
to prevent their being killed.
           -- Mike Sphar
%
I have /usr/sbin/coffee mounted from /dev/mug right now, and you can't
have it.  Oh no, I just tried to seek past end-of-beverage. *sigh*
           -- Graham Reed
%
But yeah, a semi-automatic, a room full of our managers, and I would
*not* be a scene conducive to my staying out of gaol.
           -- Matt McLeod
%
I would like to shake the hand of the man who first decided that e-mail
clients should slice, dice and run arbitrary programs.  Then I'd like to
stir, blend and puree his hand.
           -- J. D. Baldwin
%
But also remember, if it's fixed price, it's costly. Because it always 
takes longer than that. And there's bits you didn't think of.  And they 
take longer than that too.  And then you realize it going to take longer 
again because you have to fully document and package and test and train 
and fix and change and test and change and fix and update again.  And
then it takes longer than that.
           -- Netizen's Adam, on quoting
%
If you drink Real beer, you become horizontal... so, if you
drink Imaginary beer, you become vertical...
           -- Thorfinn
%
If netcat is compiled with -DGAPING_SECURITY_HOLE, the -e argument 
specifies a program to exec after making or receiving a successful 
connection.
           -- netcat README file
%
Skud:     Real Programmers don't use Python.
Thorfinn: Real Programmers don't use *whitespace*.
%
Alright.  Talk.  Don't make me reach over there and pull your still-pumping
heart out from the gaping hole you used to call a chest whilst breaking
your sternum and playing air guitar with your ribcage.
           -- Tai
%
I trust the cut & paste under Win2k's telnet about as far as I can
comfortably spit a rat.
           -- John Burnham
%
The prospect of revenge is sweetened by a hangover.
           -- Tanuki
%
You'll get access to my computer room right after you pry the Halon test
key out of my cold, lifeless hands.
           -- Simon Travaglia
%
"Zero Tolerance" in this case meaning "We're too stupid to be able to
apply conscious thought on a case-by-case basis.
           -- Mike Sphar
%
The phrase "Login to www.clue.org and issue the GET command" springs to mind.
           -- Tanuki
%
It's fun to mock old people.  They're going to die soon anyway.
           -- Mike Sphar
%
'Vegetarian' -- it's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter'.
           -- Red Green
%
You're going to try and drink an *Australian* under the table?
Good fucking luck, mate.
           -- Paul Tomblin
%
When the revolution comes, we'll need a longer wall.
           -- Tom De Mulder
%
OTOH, the general theme is that lusers should not be allowed to have
computers, cars, guns or genitalia.
           -- Anthony DeBoer
%
The difference is that Unix has had thirty years of technical types
demanding basic functionality of it.  And the Macintosh has had fifteen
years of interface fascist users shaping its progress.  Windows has the 
hairpin turns of the Microsoft marketing machine and that's all.
           -- Red Drag Diva
%
Reliability went through the floor, tunnelled its way to the centre of
the Earth, and perished in the magma.
           -- Saundo
%
I assume HR did send out the ad I wanted, not "apply for a cool job if
you're a clueless fuck".
           -- The Flying Hamster, on the receiving end of too many CVs
%
Considering the number of wheels Microsoft has found reason to invent, 
one never ceases to be baffled by the minuscule number whose shape even
vaguely resembles a circle.
           -- [unknown]
%
I haven't had any mail from my mother since her ISP ended up in the RBL.
I deny that I nominated them...
           -- Peter Corlett
%
...if the boom-boxes and car stereos weren't so damnably loud, you'd be
able to hear the high-pitched hum: Darwin spinning at 20000 RPM on Timken
roller bearings in a chamber evacuated to 1E-27 Torr.
           -- Mike Andrews
%
The language that these files use is just like BASIC, only with all of 
the good parts ripped out.  Oh, and did I mention that it's case-sensitive?
I could eat a K&R and *shit* a better language.
           -- Brian Gallew
%
Simon said (or at least *should* have said) "You'll get access to my computer
room right after I pry the non-functional Halon cutoff switch out of *your*
cold, lifeless hands.
           -- Paul Tomblin
%
The PC movement is about trying not to offend people who are busily
manipulating you by being creatively thinkskinned.
           -- Joe Zeff
%
...if Paul's really talking about truly average people, then they'd probably
die in either case, because common sense isn't.
           -- Derick Siddoway
%
PNMH: Wonder what diamonds do to lusers though.
DJC:  When attached to the teeth of a blade turning at 7000rpm, 
       a darn fine job.
           -- Peter N. M. Hansteen and D. Joseph Creighton
%
Usenet is not a right.  It is a right, a left, a jab, and a sharp uppercut
to the jaw.  The postman hits!  You have new mail.
           -- Anonymous
%
Those that could learn[1] did, and those that couldn't learn[2] were
sufficiently cowed to shut the fsck up and leave the rest of us alone.
 [1] A surprisingly large fraction of the divisional workforce 
 [2] An appallingly large fraction of the divisional workforce
           -- Mike Andrews 
%
I'm feeling much better now.  Really.  I'm just going to eat an orange
now.  I'll just take out my knife and gently, carefully, peel the skin
off THE FUCKWIT BASTARD THAT WROTE THIS PIECE OF PIG SHIT-
           -- Randy the Random
%
Watership Down: you've read the book, you've seen the film,
now try the stew.
           -- Chris Suslowicz
%
It's distinctly sub-optimal having a 70MPH pigeon explode all over
the inside of your vehicle.
           -- Tanuki
%
Their constitution is unwritten, and is mostly based on common law and
practice.  In other words, they do something wrong and it then becomes
the norm.
           -- Laurie Couturier, on the British legal system
%
Yes, those of us here have pretty much come to the conclusion that once
you know What's Really Going On and How To Cope With It, you find that
you don't like it much.
           -- Steve VanDevender
%
If this is UI for anyone, say hello to Satan for me next time he
pops into your office for a status report.
           -- Chris King
%
The problem with eating a high-fibre diet is that, before you know it, your
lower bowel will have attracted a whole mass of backhoes.
           -- Tanuki
%
You mean [Exchange] was deliberately written?  I thought someone had
transcribed the writing on a football-stadium restroom wall, found 
that it compiled, so shipped it.
           -- Tanuki
%
I'm just waiting for the day that someone decides that "ignorant moron" is
an ethnic group, and thus cannot be discriminated against.
           -- Christian Wagner
%
Must admit, I'd like to know what is the homeopathic treatment for
gunshot wounds.
           -- Tanuki
%
In an experiment to determine the precise amount of beer required to enjoy
this film, I passed out.
           -- Dave O'Brien, on "Highlander II"
%
The only complaint I have against WinDoze is that it doesn't always
fail at install time.
           -- Mike Andrews
%
"I should never have learnt C.  There's a limit to how dangerous you
 can get with Perl."             -- Simon Cozens
"But it's quite a *high* limit." -- Adrian Hilton
"As we know to our cost."        -- SPARK Ada development team
%
> I can see the headlines now: Cargo Plane/Truck Carrying Entire Usenet
> Archive Crashes in Freak Storm/Freak Traffic Accident
Near the crash site, a discarded rocket launcher was found, with a note
attached: "X-No-Archive: YES, FUCKING YES YES YES".
           -- Bruce Tomlin and Juergen Nieveler
%
Knuth has written a book called "The errors of TeX".  
I doubt Microsoft has the money to buy the paper required to print 
a book called "The errors of Word".
           -- Abigail
%
It typically takes 25-30 gallons of petrol/diesel to fully-consume an 
average-sized body under ideal conditions.  That I am conversant with this
level of detail should serve as an indication of why the wise man does not
ask me questions about MS-Windows.
           -- Tanuki
%
As you accelerate your food, it takes exponentially more and more energy to
increase its velocity, until you hit a limit at C.  This energy has to come
from somewhere; in this case, from the food's nutritional value.  Thus, the
faster the food is, the worse it gets.
           -- Mark Hughes, comprehending the taste of fast food
%
...all documentation and marketing material concerning any system which 
contains any technology whatsoever should, by law, carry the word "probably"
in front of each verb describing technical details of the system, and 
"unless someone screws up" at the end of each sentence describing (claimed) 
functionality.
           -- Nick Brown, in Risks 21:34
%
We want things to be easier.  How badly we want it can be measured by the
size of Bill Gates' fortune.
           -- Neal Stephenson, "In the Beginning was the Command Line"
%
In trying to understand the Linux phenomenon, then, we have to look not
to a single inventor but to a sort of bizarre Trinity:  Linus Torvalds,
Richard Stallman and Bill Gates.  Take away any of these three and Linux
would not exist.
           -- Neal Stephenson, "In the Beginning was the Command Line"
%
I use emacs, which might be thought of as a thermonuclear word processor.
           -- Neal Stephenson, "In the Beginning was the Command Line"
%
...it would appear that this power and this money have inspired some very
peculiar executives to come out and work for Microsoft, and that Bill 
Gates should have administered saliva tests to some of them before
issuing them Microsoft ID cards.
           -- Neal Stephenson, "In the Beginning was the Command Line"
%
He would probably tell you that life is a very hard and complicated thing;
that no interface can change that; that anyone who believes otherwise is
a sucker; and that if you don't like having choices made for you, you
should start making your own.
           -- Neal Stephenson, "In the Beginning was the Command Line"
%
"Mummy I don't understand - what is this this pa-tience-with-u-sers?" 
"It means that when your luser is laying begging and bleeding on the
 floor you must not be tempted to hurry him along to his death because
 you end up with less playing time."
%
Deciding to precipitate the disaster, I have donned my copper armour, 
filled a fire bucket, and wired myself to all the important swervers.
           -- A fatalistic BOFH
%
I DON'T CARE IF IT DOESN'T COST EXTRA.
I DON'T WANT A WEB BROWSER IN MY DESKTOP.
I DON'T WANT IT.
           -- A BOFH making things very clear
%
I liken system administration to remotely piloting an airplane - while 
barely balancing oneself on a rollercoaster running at full speed - 
blindfolded - by means of a hacked up half-broken TV remote.
           -- and people really want a job as a BOFH?
%
It occurred to me today to wonder why so many Manglers seem to think 
that the proper way to get you to respect their authority is to do 
things to you that cause you to lose all respect for them as a person?
[and if that ever happens to me, kill me right there and then - AJH]
%
That bone-crunching thud you just heard was my opinion of humanity 
plummeting from its comfortable resting-place in the basement, breaking
through the floor, and ending up wedged somewhere in the vicinity of 
the Mohorovicic discontinuity...
%
...here in .UK, "having issue" commonly refers to the process of birth, 
so if your network were having issue, i could only imagine some form of 
hideous, Alien-esque spawning as a result of your mailserver being 
relay-raped by spammers.
%
Females cannot be colour-blind; that would involve them being wrong.
         -- Scott Morris
%
Problem:  No CD player
Cause:    Not buying a CD player
Remedy:   Buy a CD player, or stop buying CDs
         -- Troubleshooting your new stereo
%
The FAA found out that one gigantic replacement of everything would
lead to world's worst case of "Second System Effect".
         -- Paul Tomblin
%
I'm worried that air traffic control is in danger of switching to 
Windows 2000.  I think I'll walk.
         -- Paul Tomblin
%
C has features??  I thought the whole point of that language was to 
offer nothing but bare metal.
         -- David Murphy
%
The magic BOFH-phrase you need to summon at this point is:
  "_Your_ lack-of-planning is not about to become _my_ emergency."
         -- Tanuki
%
Actually, HTML is very useful.  As a flag to say "you don't need to
read this email."
         -- Paul Tomblin
%
Ahhh, the permie offer. The "Please sign up with us clueless fsckwits
so you can spend all your time digging us out at a pittance" offer. 
         -- Dan Holdsworth
%
I wouldn't be surprised if I'd have to put garlic in the CD
drawer to really get rid of it.
         -- Arthur van der Harg on 'Gator'
%
Yeah, because you never know when the value of 2^15 will change and
you have to go through all your code fixing it.
         -- Paul Tomblin
%
You're nicer than I.  I was thinking "Mark, would you recognize a 
clue if one were gnawing on the end of your dick?"
         -- random
%
I did volunteer EMS as recovery from sysadmining, then I did sysadmining
to recover from volunteer EMS.
         -- random
%
Why is there only one Monopolies and Mergers Commission?
         -- JNP
%
"Look, PHB, if you go for *NIX, you'll have to hire a *NIX admin, and
 they charge a bomb and dress like refugees.  But with NT you just need
 someone with an MCSE."
         -- Omri Schwarz understands why the world is screwed.
%
We live in the interface between radioactive molten rock and hard 
vacuum and we worry about safety.
        -- Anon.
%
Top five similarities between DNS and DNA:
1. Both are distributed databases with copies of data everywhere,
   and it's not always in sync like it should be.
          -- Logan Shaw
%
Top five similarities between DNS and DNA:
2. The authoritative copy of the data is usually mirrored, and when
   a copy is made, it's done in a stream-oriented fashion.
          -- Logan Shaw
%
Of course the staff can tell their heads from their arses.  Their heads
are the bits that are stuck up their arses.  Ergo their arses must be 
the bits that have heads stuck up them.
          -- Matthew Malthouse
%
Could you stop changing your email address willy-nilly, so my killfile
can spare me from your erudition and wit?
          -- Alan Shutko
%
Make backups before you try something new or interesting or experimental
or radical or if the day has a "y" in it.
          -- Chris Hacking
%
Today Has Been Two Of Those Days.
         -- Mike Andrews
%
What a beautiful image - Gartner wonks piled high on a burning bush,
screaming that "maybe IIS isn't so good after all" and "our statistics
show a sudden increase in temperature."
        -- Chris Rovers
%
Reality crept in.  I nailed it for trespassing.
        -- Anon
%
"My brother-in-law, the bar owner."
        -- Beautiful Phrases #1
%
Alt.sysadmin.recovery: You will not soon find a more wretched hive of
ranting and pedantry.  We aim to please, so duck.
        -- ADB
%
When I hear the history of some of the more ugly European cities, with
"... destroyed in 14xx, burnt in 16xx ..." I get the urge to ask why
they keep rebuilding it and if they can't get the hint.
        -- Lieven Marchand
%
The thing I've noticed, particularly about Usenet, that while as a   
welcome break from work it is refreshing and interesting, when you've 
got bugger all else to do it kinda loses its appeal.  
        -- C Speed
%
Welsh sheep aren't intellectuals. Welsh woodlice look down on them as 
utter lusers. Welsh sheep even make students look smart, they're that
daft.
        -- Dan Holdsworth
%
Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of the
laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously injure
yourself.  
        -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
> (One of the things I can't quite get used to in 'merryka
> is that they have bathrooms or restrooms, but no toilets.)
The thing is, North Americans are dirty and tired, but don't give a shit.
        -- flaps
%
Like the man said: "Nothing good ever goes in /opt."
        -- Tim Foreman
%
Q: If you were young again, would you start writing TeX again or would
   you use Microsoft Word, or another word processor?
A: I hope to die before I *have* to use Microsoft Word.
        -- <unknown person> asking Donald E. Knuth
%
Lusers annoy you;      Backups are crap; 
Morons employ you;     And samba won't map;
Printers need cable;   Installs restart; 
Servers aren't stable; You might as well LART.
        -- dpm, parody of Dorothy Parker's "Resume"
%
"WINDOWS XP for RETARDS!" the PFY reads over my shoulder. 
"I like it!! Although isn't the word 'IS' missing from the title?"
        -- "The BOFH Self-Helpless Guide", Simon Travaglia
%
Violence is the last resort of the incompetent. 
The competent, of course, make it their *first* resort.
%
If you are "fighting" vi (ie telling it stupid things) it should not try
and give helpful hints, it should munge your cursor, screw up your
terminal, rot13 your mailbox and call your girlfriend for a date.
        -- Pi
%
I decided my disk was getting too full and nobody seemed to be referencing
this huge file called /vmunix...
        -- Paul Tomblin
%
 I forsee one of those "open your wallet and repeat after me, 
 _help yourself_" moments in your local friendly workshop.
        -- Tanuki
%
What philology luser tried to hang "fear of sameness" on bigotry? 
Every time i see the word i want to kick his shins.
        -- Pat Wade, on homophobia
%
The differential of hi over ho is ho di hi minus hi d ho ho over ho ho
%
"My file system's got no nodes!"
"How does it shell?"
%
I just overheard someone referring to Solaris 2.6 as a "virgin operating
system". With a straight face, no less. In one sense, I can see it. The one
whereby it knows what it wants to do, it's just not entirely sure how...
        -- Carl Jacobs
%
You can drag any rat out of the sewer and teach it to get some work done in
Perl, but you cannot teach it serious programming.     
        -- Erik Naggum
%
C is *supposed* to be dangerous, damnit!
        -- Anonymous, on "Safer C"
%
It could have been raining flaming bulldozers, and those idiots would have 
been standing out there smoking, going 'hey, look at that John Deere burn!'
        -- Texan AMD security guard
%
Why don't companies make second-person shooter games?  I mean, we 
have first-person, and third-person.  Why not second-person?  
        -- Joe Moore
%
Some of you may have had occasion to run into mathematicians and to
wonder, therefore, how they got that way.
        -- Tom Lehrer, "Tom Lehrer In Concert"
%
> Of course, the old servers was 50 Megs short of filling up its disk,
> and $exchange-Admins know what that means...
That they shouldn't have been running Exchange in the first place?
        -- Jurgen Nieveler and dpm
%
My family's values included "Always state your assumptions and your 
evidence", "first find out what the problem is, then fix it", and "feed 
your horse before yourself".  But you don't see people legislating those...
        -- Zeebee
%
> How many of us have had people look at our music collection,
> and shake their heads in confusion?
  s/shake their heads in confusion/blanch and back away slowly/
        -- Eric the Read and Joe B
%
I think I have a new personal rule:
  Never watch anything which includes the author's name in the title,
  particularly if the author is dead.
        -- Andrew Dalgleish
%
Unix is great.  The Unix culture is magnificent.  Life in a Unix without
the GNU utilities is the kind of hell I'd not wish on my worst enemy.
        -- Robert Uhl
%
Is it so difficult to master your bloody pride and admit that yes, a bunch 
of hackers turned out a better suite of utilities than your teams of 
engineers ever could?
        -- Robert Uhl
%
The Code Red virus hasn't caused the widespread chaos earlier
predicted.  Mainly due to the use of a security product known as
'Patch'.
        -- Radio report, 28/11/01
%
Don't you just hate them?  Don't you just wanna break their ribs, 
cut their backs open and pull their lungs out from behind?
        -- Ina Faye-Lund, on script kiddies    
%
Oh, NT is reliable. You can count on it to keel over under just any 
circumstance.
        -- Rik Steenwinkel
%
"I'm sorry, your missile just caused a General Protection error.
 Your General is no longer protected."
        -- Nicholas Avernal, on Windows for Weapons
%
Please say this was followed by a very serious discussion on Right and
Wrong involving a blow torch, 220V, a cobra and three East Germans
named Georg...
        -- Robert Uhl
%
0.6 bar?  That sucks!
        -- Anon
%
Exciting is only good when it happens to someone else ... as in "an
exciting wreck", "an exciting plane crash", "an exciting install of 
Windows XP", et al.
        -- Ralph Wade Phillips
%
On a normal day, we value heroism because it is uncommon.
On September 11, we valued heroism because it was everywhere.
        -- Nancy Gibbs, Time Magazine
%
> Why do the British do anything?
Usually to annoy the French.
        -- Mike Meredith
%
The situation is completely under control. All of them were killed.
        -- Alim Razim, for the Northern Alliance, demonstrating fine
           command of traditional Afghan prisoner control techniques.
%
In fact, it's surprising that any sort of hardware works.  When it works, it 
is just biding its time waiting for a more inconvenient time for it to fail.
        -- Joe Moore
%
In college, I wrote a TECO-like progamming language as a joke - one-letter 
statements, totally unreadable.  Then I discovered sendmail, and stopped, 
because the joke had been done so much better than I ever could.
        -- Mark Hughes
%
I treat shops as military objectives to be penetrated and stripped of needed
resources in as little time as possible.  She has adventures in them.
        -- Joe Thompson
%
...I've discovered the one thing worse than people who open attachments 
from people they don't know.  People who delete files when instructed 
by people they don't know.
        -- Michael
%
[Once in a lifetime opportunity] is simply a veiled reference to the
staff contract termination procedure, which involves a sunny wall,
a single cigarette and some middling to average marksmen...
        -- Dan Holdsworth
%
As for taste buds, bear in mind that the country which gave the world
Irn Bru also developed the Deep Fried Mars Bar.  Marmite is the height
of sophistication in comparison.
        -- Malcolm Ray
%
According to Desler, Microsoft has rigorous processes in place during
the development of Windows to ensure the security and integrity of
source code.
        -- Brian McWilliams, Newsbytes, 17/12/01
%
With M$, as far as I'm aware, the stupidity comes bundled with
the software.
        -- Meg Thornton, in the Monastery
%
...the default behaviour should be *not* to fuck up.
        -- adb
%
We have captured lightning, and used it to tell sand how to think.
%
Unlike the Humane Society, we don't think the expression of free speech
should depend upon the cuteness of its subject matter. 
        -- Snopes.com, about http://www.bonsaikitten.com/
%
You couldn't get a clue if you were soaked in clue pheromone in clue
bondage gear on the clue mating grounds during clue mating season 
surrounded by horny clues.
        -- sn
%
...their _intention_ is to have the OS drop its pants, bend over, and ask 
the whole bloody net to remotely install any bits at all . . . and then 
they're surprised it turns out to be a serious security flaw?
        -- dpm, on WinXP
%
I'd sooner volunteer to admin every Windows box at $ORKPLACE
(and it's a biiiig place) than think for one second that I could
understand the thought process of a teenage female.
        -- dpm
%
It is necessary to get JPEGs of one's offspring, if only so that you can
call them up on your screen at work and remember what they look like
during late-night sysadminning when you should be home with them.
        -- adb
%
They say 'the early bird gets the worm'.  What they often fail to
consider, however, is the early cat.
%
Sept 25th:  Discovered lots of things about Dynamic HTML.
            Notably that almost every site attempting to use it is crap.
        -- Alan Cox's diary
%