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Women and Men #6

Quick Reference

Miscellaneous Questions

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Q. How can you tell if a man is happy?
A. Who cares?
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q. When would you care for a man's company?
A. When he owns it.
Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
A. Three, if you slice them very thinly.
Q. Why do men get married?
A. So they don't have to hold their stomachs in any more.
Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
Q. Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
A. So they can find their way back to the house.
Q. Why are hurricanes usually named after women?
A. Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.

Oil Changing Instructions

Women

  1. Pull up to local garage when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
  2. Drink a cup of coffee. Browse through a magazine.
  3. 15 minutes later write a cheque and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Men

  1. Go to Halfords and write a £50 check for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
  2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to Halfords to recycle just dig a hole and dump in back yard.
  3. Open a beer and drink it.
  4. Jack car up and spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
  5. Find jack stands under old golf clubs.
  6. In frustration open another beer and drink it.
  7. Place drain pan under engine.
  8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
  9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
  10. Unscrew drain plug.
  11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil and get splashed in process.
  12. Clean up.
  13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
  14. Look for oil filter wrench.
  15. Give up... poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
  16. Drink another beer.
  17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow.
  18. Next day drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
  19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
  20. Beer... Nope... drank it all yesterday.
  21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
  22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
  23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
  24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
  25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
  26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains on floor.
  27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
  28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
  29. Begin cussing!
  30. Throw wrench!
  31. Cuss loudly for wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob on wall calendar.
  32. Clean up and apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
  33. Beer. Yeh.
  34. Another Beer. Yep!
  35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
  36. Another Beer.
  37. Lower car from jack stands.
  38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
  39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
  40. Drive car quart low for 7000 miles when it'll be time for another oil change.
  41. In meantime...brag to buddies at Golf Course that you fix your own car.

Foreheads

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a Electricity Board logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Hotpoint written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the frontdoor? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Black and Decker written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the pub!!!"

So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?" He said,

"Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Delia Smith written on my forehead?"

Your First Mammogram

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test, and best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.
EXERCISE 1:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.
EXERCISE 2:
Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.
EXERCISE 3:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist and invite a stranger into the room. Press the frozen bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

You are now properly prepared.

Girlfriend Quiz

As many of you know, through recent events, I am a single man, once again. Since my last few affairs of the heart have been flops (in much the same way as the Titanic was a little flop), I have decided that in the future I shall be screeening all of my future dates with this highly scientific quiz. Enclosed is a quiz I shall hand out to any future dates. Also, I'm not bitter.

Instructions: Please answer each question as honestly as possible. Bart will grade your responses and get back to you.

  1. A woman's place is in the:
    1. House (or Senate)
    2. Bedroom
    3. Office
    4. Sitting in a deep dark cellar plotting to cut a man's entrails out and leave it as food for wild jackals
  2. When singing in the shower, I will most likely sing:
    1. "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park"
    2. "Material Girl"
    3. "I Touch Myself"
    4. Theme from "Psycho"
  3. The perfect Christmas gift is:
    1. Expensive perfume or intimate evening wear
    2. Flowers, a backrub, bubble bath, and a hand-written love sonnet
    3. Six-pack of Bud, Domino's Pizza, and an evening of QVC
    4. Whips, knives and red-hot irons
  4. A woman's hairstyle should:
    1. Gently accentuate her best features
    2. Not resemble a poodle
    3. Hide the lobotomy scars
    4. Cover the little "666" on the back of the skull and not reveal the demon-horns
  5. My personal role-model is:
    1. Hillary Clinton
    2. Ruth Bader-Ginsberg
    3. Daisy Duke
    4. Lorena Bobbit
  6. When it comes to cars, I:
    1. Take good care of my car and change my oil regularly.
    2. <giggle> What's oil?
    3. Think fuzzy dice are _cool_!
    4. Want a Mercedes... NOW!
  7. If you man wants to date me, he must also like my:
    1. Family
    2. Pet rock
    3. Therapist
    4. Furniture
  8. I have a subscription to:
    1. Newsweek and the Wall Street Journal
    2. Analog and Rolling Stone
    3. National Enquirer and T.V. Guide
    4. Weekly Reader
  9. I want to have ___ children.
    1. Any number, as long as they are healthy
    2. Some
    3. Your
    4. Well-dressed
  10. My list of favorite authors include:
    1. William Shakespeare
    2. Maya Angelou
    3. Chairman Mao
    4. Marquis DeSade
  11. A romantic evening is best spent:
    1. Before a roaring fire
    2. Having a candle-lit dinner
    3. Country line dancing
    4. Shopping
  12. I want to date a(n):
    1. Lawyer
    2. Engineer
    3. Crew-chief at the local JuffyLube
    4. Anyone who owns a shoe store
  13. I really admire:
    1. My parents, for bringing me up right
    2. My teachers, for teaching me about life
    3. The makers of Velveeta
    4. Zsa Zsa Gabor
  14. What attracted me most to you (physically) is/are your:
    1. Massive chest
    2. Tight buns
    3. Tattoo collection
    4. Credit cards
  15. What attracted me most to you (mentally) is/are your:
    1. Sparkling wit
    2. Open mind
    3. Deep understanding of power tools
    4. Huh?
  16. I really get turned on when you:
    1. Are with me
    2. Kiss my neck
    3. Imitate Beavis and Butt-Head
    4. Do the dishes
  17. I can't live without:
    1. The support of friends
    2. Oxygen
    3. Entertainment Tonight
    4. Makeup
  18. If you were really depressed, I would:
    1. Listen to your problems
    2. Rub your back
    3. Get you drunk
    4. Laugh
  19. My favorite television programs are:
    1. NYPD Blue and Home Improvement
    2. MST3K, Roseanne, and Star Trek: TNG
    3. This Week In Monster Truck Racing and AmericaUs Most Wanted
    4. Lifestyles of the Cruel and Unusual
  20. My favorite pig out food is:
    1. Low-fat yogurt
    2. Haagen Dasz
    3. Gummi worms
    4. A man's still quivering heart
  21. A man should know where I keep my:
    1. House keys
    2. Erogenous zones
    3. Ear-wax remover
    4. Guns
  22. I would rather die a slow painful death than:
    1. Betray a confidence
    2. Betray my country
    3. Miss "Wheel of Fortune"
    4. Spend one more minute with you
  23. The most hellish,vile place on Earth is:
    1. Bosnia-Herzegovina
    2. Texas
    3. Anyplace with less than 40 channels of cable
    4. Your bedroom
  24. The one phrase I would love to hear is:
    1. "Congratulations, Madame President"
    2. "Ohmygod, that is the winning lottery ticket!"
    3. "Wow! I've never seen a woman spit tobacco that far!"
    4. "What we can't figure out is how the arsenic got in his food in the first place."
  25. If a man was to propose to me, I would:
    1. Cry
    2. Call my mother
    3. Be pregnant
    4. Giggle uncontrollably

Please write a 300 word essay on the theme: "A Woman's Role In the Relationship: Helpmate or Saboteur"

Please attach references, a current picture, and a blood sample.

The Pregnancy Machine

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth, and the doctor told them that he had developed an experimental machine and asked if they'd like to try it out. He explained carefully that the machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother and give it to the father. Both the husband and the wife thought this was a wonderful idea, and decided to give it a try.

The doctor set the knob on the machine to ten percent for starters, explaining to the man that even ten percent was probably more pain than he had ever experienced. But the man was surprised at how little pain he felt and asked the doctor to go ahead and turn it up a notch.

The doctor twisted the knob up to twenty percent, and checked the husband's blood pressure, which was fine. Amazed,the doctor turned the knob again and increased the pain threshold to fiftypercent. Still feeling nothing, the husband encouraged the doctor to give him ALL the pain. Again, dumbfounded, the doctor increased the load to one hundred percent.

After his wife had given birth, the man stood up, stretched a little, and helped his wife into the car, both of them feeling fine. When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the doorstep.

The Truth about Relationships

A Man's View...

Before she moves in, she wears teddies and suspenders, and you hold your farts in until she leaves the room; she's a gorgeous sex kitten and you tell her so; you're so sweet and adorable, and blowjobs follow ambient dinners like a fine port.

After she moves in, she farts in her grungy trackie bottoms while hypnotised by Coronation Street; you scratch your nuts unashamedly and bitch about work; oral sex is strictly quid pro quo and the new girl in the office really does have a great arse.

Six key indicators of when the honeymoon period has finished.

Addictions
Before: You tell her you don't mind the occasional cold beer on a hot day with your mates, and that you've taken recreational drugs but those days are well and truly over.
After: For the fifth night in a row you stagger in blotto, dig out your stash and skin up, pass out in the lounge in your underpants and expect her to accept that you're just being you.
Bodily functions
Before: You spray aerosol after a crap; piss on the side of the bowl to reduce noise and never, ever fart in her presence.
After: You fart in front of her with impunity and obvious pride, commenting on the food intake for the day and speculating on the resultant odour. Despite repeated pleas to the contrary, you fart in bed and hold her head under the covers. You think it's hilarious.
Relations/Friends
Before: Her aunty Jane is a real character with a lively personality and interesting views about politics, and her unemployed girlfriend Amanda is a genuine, charming supportive friend who you think is really nice.
After: Aunty Jane is a loud-mouthed, pain-in-the-arse fascist with all the personality of a cold sore. Amanda is a manipulative loser, but you wouldn't mind doing her if the opportunity arose.
Sex
Before: Sex is a sweat-soaked, gymnastic romp that lasts for hours. You fuck to impress, using all your tricks - your renowned tit grope, marathon oral sex sessions, and jackhammer-like screwing. Fucking four times a day is not uncommon.
After: A wank is often preferable to the effort of sex. When you do have sex, you think about Amanda.
Attention span
Before: Her words are hypnotic; her wit is incisive; her anecdotes about her life pre-you are spellbinding. Over candlelight and coffee you listen with interest and politely chortle as she recounts stories of her childhood.
After: Your eyes glaze over as soon as she mentions anything that doesn't involve you. What's more, you develop the uncanny ability to be able to concentrate on the T.V and listen to her at the same time. The phrase, 'Are you listening to me?' becomes an evening mantra.
Overall evaluation
Before: She thinks you are witty, disciplined, a sexual athlete, attentive, loving, faithful and devoid of all crass male habits which have plagued her previous relationships .....but she suspects that you're full of shit.
After: She knows you're full of shit.!!

Repartee
He said... "Want a quickie?"
She said... "As opposed to what?"
He said... "I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it."
She said... "You wear pants, don't you?"
He said... "If you only could learn to make me a proper meal, then we could manage without the cook. And if you cleaned the house, we could fire the maid as well."
She said... "Darling, if you only could learn to satisfy me properly we could do without the gardener too."
He said... "Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?"
She said... "Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind."
He said... "Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She said... "I would, but you're never there."
He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said... "That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."

If Women Ruled the World
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