Women and Men #5

Quick Reference

• Thoughts On Marriage
• The Last 10 Things...
• Snails
• Fidelity
• Airheads
• Seeking...
• Women's Instruction Book
• Women's 50 Rules For Men

Thoughts On Marriage

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Marriage is a three ring circus:

1. engagement ring
2. wedding ring
3. suffering

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

My wife told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got two girlfriends.

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives.
In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

A man met a genie. The genie told him he could have whatever he wanted provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thought for a moment and then said, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."

The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
His father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!"
His wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

A man said his credit card was stolen, but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Cosmetics: A woman's means for keeping a man from reading between the lines.

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think about it now, I think you bring me bad luck!"

Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man!

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Marriage is grand -- and divorce is about 20 grand.

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

A guy went to a party without his wife. He heard another guy say to his wife, "Pass the sugar, Honey." and "Pass the honey, Sugar." He thought this sort of speech is a good idea.
The next morning when he and his wife are eating breakfast, he said to his wife, "Pass the bacon, Pig."

A man rushed home from work and exclaimed to his wife, "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!"
His wife excitedly asked, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?"
He replied, "Pack'em all, you're leaving!"

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned, but then smiled, "It really works!"

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said.
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

The Last 10 Things...

...Any Woman Would Ever Say

1. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
2. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.
3. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
4. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
5. Please don't throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
6. This diamond is way too big.
7. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
8. Wow, it really is 14 inches!
9. Does this make my butt look too small?
10. I'm wrong, you must be right again.

...Any Man Would Ever Say

1. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
2. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
3. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
4. Her tits are just too big.
5. Sometimes I just want to be held.
6. That chick on "Murder, She Wrote" gives me a woody.
7. Sure I'd love to wear a condom.
8. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
9. Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
10. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask directions.

Snails

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him.

They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.

He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said:

"Come on guys, we're almost there!"

Fidelity

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain; and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party. Inasmuch as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked,"Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you...the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"

Airheads

My favorite comeuppance was when I went to see 'Alien' (Yes the first one and I am that old.) I had read the Allen Dean Foster script adaptation so I knew in the broad outline what was going to be happening. Not that it did a whole lot of good with Ridley Scott, man but he can shoot a movie and get all those little details in there.

I mean during the opening of the movie, the crew is in hibernation and the camera pans about the ship. On the Flight deck before the Captain's Console in tha space between keyboard and screen, where company regs just have to forbid its prescence, is a coffee cup. People are people in all of space and time, but I digress.

Theater is crowded, two seats in front of me are vacant and 15 - 20 minutes into the flick two blonde airheads come in and sit down in front of me. Jabber, jabber, jabber - Oh my what is happening now? - jabber, jabber, jabber. (If you shut up and watched the movie, you'd know what is going on and why I think to myself.)

Movie progresses, jabber, jabber, jabber. The Facehugger is off the guys face and the crew are searching the ship for it. Ripley is checking out the Sick Bay (and I know the damn thing lands on her.) I lean forward and as the face hugger falls on Ripley's right shoulder I grab each of the girls before me by the same shoulder and hiss to them to "Shut the F*** up!" The sound of this is drowned out by the screams in the theater as the Face Hugger lands on Ripley.

The two airheads are sitting in front of me totally stiff and rigid not moving, not talking. About five minutes go by and one leans to the other's ear, wishpers and they get up and leave. I give a sigh of relief.

A few minutes later two pepople come down the aisle and discover two empty seats. They move in front of me and go to sit down and one of them touches the seat behind them. "Oh we can't sit here. Someone must have spilled a Coke on the seat earlier today." It was all I coud do to keep from busting up as I realized what must have happened.

Seeking... Adverts

40-ish

48

Adventurer

Has had more partners than you ever will

Affectionate

Possessive

Artist

Unreliable

Athletic

Flat-chested / average looking / ugly

Beautiful

Pathological liar

Commitment-minded

Pick out curtains, now!

Communication important

Just try to get a word in edge-wise

Contagious Smile

Bring your penicillin

Educated

College dropout

Emotionally Secure

Medicated

Employed

Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home

Enjoys art and opera

Snob

Enjoys Nature

Bring your own granola

Exotic Beauty

Would frighten a Martian

Feminist

Fat; ball buster

Financially Secure

One paycheck from the street

Free spirit

Substance user

Friendship first

Trying to live down reputation as slut

Fun

Annoying

Gentle

Comatose

Good Listener

Borderline Autistic

Humorous

Caustic

Intuitive

Your opinion doesn't count

In Transition

Needs new sugar-honey to pay the bills

Light drinker

Lush

Looks younger

If viewed from far away in bad light

Loves Travel

If you're paying

Loves Animals

Cat lady

Mature

Won't let you treat her like farm animal in bed

New-Age

All body hair, all the time

Non-traditional

Ex-lover lives in the basement

Old-fashioned

Lights out, missionary position only

Open-minded

Desperate

Outgoing

Loud

Passionate

Loud

Petite

Wouldn't stand out in a pack of Munchkins

Poet

Depressive Schizophrenic

Professional

Bitch

Redhead

Shops the Clairol section

Reliable

Frumpy

Reserved

Frigid

Reubenesque

Grossly Fat

Romantic

Looks better by candle light

Self-employed

Jobless

Smart

Insipid

Special

Rode the short schoolbus

Spiritual

Involved with a cult

Stable

Boring

Tall, thin

Anorexic

Tan

Wrinkled

Voluptuous

Very Fat

Weight proportional to height

Hugely Fat

Wants Soulmate

One step away from stalking

Widow

Nagged first mate to death

Writer

Pompous

Young at heart

Toothless crone

(Sooooo, where's the male side of that list?)

40-ish

52 and looking for 25-yr-old

Affectionate

Needy and looking for mother-figure

Artist

Delicate ego badly in need of massage

Athletic

Sits on the couch and watches ESPN

Average looking

Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back

Distinguished-looking

Fat, gray, and bald

Educated

Will always treat you like an idiot

Employed

On management track at Radio Shack

Financially Secure

I will spend some money on you, in return for which I will expect you to obey my every whim for the duration of your mortal life

Free Spirit

Sleeps with your sister

Friendship first

As long as friendship involves nudity

Fun

Good with a remote and a six pack

Good looking

Arrogant bastard

Honest

Pathological Liar

Huggable

Overweight, more body hair than a bear

Seeks slim, attractive female

Would be better off with a labrador retriever

Light drinker

Headed for AA

Like to cuddle

Insecure, overly dependent

Like romantic walks on the beach

I read Cosmo and think this is what you want to hear

Mature

Until you get to know him

Open-minded

Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested

Physically fit

I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself

Poet

Has written on a bathroom stall

Professional

Owns a white button down shirt

Reliable

Shows up on time-give or take 3 hours

Self-employed

Same as for women, and eat nachos all weekend

Sensitive

Needy

Smart

Thinks Cheers is "the wittiest show ever on TV"

Spiritual

Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday

Stable

Occasional stalker, but never arrested

Thoughtful

Says "Please" when demanding a beer

Virile

Can read 3 Penthouse Forums without passing out

Young at heart

Paedophile

Women's Compact Instruction Book

1. Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
2. You know he's lying if his lips are moving.
3. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
4. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.
5. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
6. So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
7. If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.
8. Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
9. Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be left out alone.
10. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
11. A man who can dress himself without looking like Pee Wee Herman is unquestionably gay.
12. Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.
13. Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
14. Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
15. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
16. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
17. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
18. If you wanted a committed man look in a mental hospital.
19. The children of Israel wondered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.
20. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.
21. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh alright, I'll stay the night".
22. Always wear high heels, it makes it easier to look down on him.
23. Women sleep with men, who if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.
24. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
25. If he asks you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.
26. Sadly, all men are created equal.
27. When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar."
28. The main point of having a boyfriend it's so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of a 'former boyfriend.'
29. There are two significant influences in a man's life and they are both his mother.

Women's 50 Rules For Men

1. Call.
2. Don't lie.
3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5. If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting.
6. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
7. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
8. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
11. "Honey", "Darling", and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag", "Lardass",and "Bitch" are bad.
12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
15. Her cooking is excellent.
16. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
17. Dishsoap is your friend.
18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
20. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
21. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
22. Two words: clean socks.
23. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're drunk.
24. Burping is not sexy.
25. You're wrong.
26. You're sorry.
27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
28. Ditto for your discourse on football.
29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
30. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
31. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
32. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
34. "But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue.
35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.
36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
37. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
39. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
41. Always, always suck up to her brother.
42. Think boxers.
43. Silk boxers.
44. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so names.
45. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
46. Her haircut is never bad.
47. Don't let your friends pick on her.
48. Call.
49. Don't lie. (Yes, leaving out the truth is lying.)
50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labour while you sit in the waiting room on your ass smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything.