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Women and Men #4

Quick Reference

Why Coffee is Better than a Woman

  1. You don't have to put cream in your coffee to make it taste good.
  2. Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream in it.
  3. A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.
  4. You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.
  5. You can always warm coffee up.
  6. Coffee comes with endless refills.
  7. Coffee is cheaper.
  8. You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM.
  9. Coffee never runs out.
  10. Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.
  11. You can take black coffee home to meet your parents.
  12. You can make coffee as sweet as you want.
  13. You can smoke while drinking coffee.
  14. You can put out a cigarette in a cup of coffee.
  15. Coffee smells and tastes good.
  16. You don't have to put vinegar in your coffee.
  17. If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a regular paper towel.
  18. You can always get fresh coffee.
  19. You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it'll be hot when you get back.
  20. They sell coffee at police stations.
  21. You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.
  22. Coffee goes down easier.
  23. If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.
  24. No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.
  25. A big cup or small cup? It doesn't matter.
  26. Your coffee doesn't talk to you.
  27. Coffee smells good in the morning.
  28. Coffee is good when it's cold too.
  29. Coffee stains are easier to remove.
  30. Coffee doesn't care when you dunk things in it.
  31. Coffee doesn't care what kind of mood you're in.
  32. Coffee doesn't shed.
  33. Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less.
  34. You can't get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream in it.
  35. Coffee doesn't mind being ground.
  36. No matter how bad coffee is, you can always make it better.
  37. Coffee doesn't have a time of the month . . . it's good all the time.
  38. When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.
  39. When you have a coffee, you don't end up with a pube in the back of your throat.
  40. Coffee doesn't take up half your bed.
  41. Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have a cup.
  42. INSTANT COFFEE!
  43. You can have an intelligent conversation with coffee.
  44. It can take up to 2 weeks for coffee to grow mould.
  45. Your coffee won't be jealous of a larger cup.
  46. If you spill coffee on your keyboard, the keys don't stick.
  47. Juan Valdez doesn't call his coffee "Bitch" and charge by the hour.
  48. You always want coffee in the morning.

Why Cookie Dough is Better than Men

  1. It's enjoyable hard or soft.
  2. It makes a mess too, but it tastes better.
  3. It doesn't mind if you take your anger out on it.
  4. You always want to swallow.
  5. It won't complain if you share it with friends.
  6. It's "quick and convenient".
  7. You can enjoy it more than once.
  8. It comes already protectively wrapped.
  9. You can make it as large as you want.
  10. If you don't finish it you can save it for later.
  11. It's easier to get the kind you want.
  12. You can comparison shop.
  13. It's easier to find in a grocery store.
  14. You can put it away when you've had enough.
  15. You know yours has never been eaten before.
  16. It won't complain if you chew on it.
  17. It comes chocolate flavored.
  18. You always know when to get rid of it.
  19. You can return it--satisfaction is guaranteed.
  20. It's always ready to go.
  21. You won't get arrested if you eat it in public.
  22. You don't have to change the sheets if you eat it in bed.
  23. It won't wake you up because it's hard.
  24. You don't have to find an excuse not to eat it.
  25. You can tell your friends how much you've eaten without sounding like you're bragging.

GirlFriend 6.0

Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources.

No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0 automatically installs undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. As a consequence system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming wife 2.0:

I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, The uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.

Another annoying problem -- all versions of Girlfriend continually popup annoying messges about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0

***** BUG WARNING ********
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before executing a self - uninstallation. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient system resources.

*** BUG WORK-AROUNDS ***************
To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.

Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidently be downloaded from the UseNet.

Seminars

SEMINARS FOR MALES

(prepared and presented by females)

  1. Combatting Stupidity
  2. You, Too, Can Do Housework
  3. PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
  4. How to Fill an Ice Tray
  5. We Do Not Want Sleazy derthings for Christmas: Give us Money
  6. Understanding the Femae Response to Your Coming in Drunk at 4:00am
  7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly titled "Don't Wash my Silks")
  8. Parenting: No, It Doesn't End With Conception
  9. Get a Life: Learn to Cook
  10. How Not to Act Like an Asshole When You're Obviously Wrong
  11. Spelling: Even You Can Get it Right
  12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
  13. You: The Weaker Sex
  14. Reasons to Give Flowers
  15. How to Stay Awake After Sex
  16. Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the Bathroom
  17. Garbage: Getting it to the Curb
  18. You Can Fall Asleep Without IT if You Really Try
  19. The Morning Dilemma if IT's awake: Take a Shower
  20. I'll Wear it if I Damn Well Please
  21. How to Put the Toilet Lid Down (formerly titled "No, It's Not a Bidet")
  22. "The Weekend" and "Sports" are Not Synonyms
  23. Give Me a Break: Why We Know Your Excuses are Bullshit
  24. How to Go Shopping with Your Mate and Not Get Lost
  25. The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
  26. Romanticism: Ideas Other Than Sex
  27. Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes
  28. Mother-in-Laws: They are People Too
  29. Male Bonding: Leaving Your Friends at Home
  30. You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
  31. Seeing the True You (formerly titled "No, You Don't Look Like Brad Pitt When Naked" unless you are Tegan Eve)
  32. Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works
  33. The Attainable Goal: Omitting TITS From Your Vocabulary
  34. Fluffing the Blankets After Flatulating is Not Necessary
  35. Techniques of Calling Home
  36. Introductory Foreplay: The Drive Home Does Not Count.

SEMINARS FOR FEMALES

(prepared and presented by males)

  1. Are You Ready to Leave?: Definition of the Word YES
  2. Appropriate Rhetorical Questions (formerly titled "Honey, Do I Look Fat?")
  3. Elementary Map Reading
  4. Crying and Law Enforcement
  5. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR
  6. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours
  7. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast
  8. The Seven-Outfit Week
  9. PMS: It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine (formerly titled "It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty: Deal With It")
  10. Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmission
  11. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Red Lights
  12. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed
  13. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: It's As Simple As Oil and Water
  14. The Super Bowl: Not a Game: A Sacrament
  15. Telephone Translations (formerly titled "Me Too Equals I Love You")
  16. How to Earn Your Own Money
  17. Gift-giving Fundamentals (formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics Good")
  18. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side
  19. Know When to Say When: The Limits of Makeup
  20. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry
  21. We Forget Birthdays, You Forget Sports Stats: LET'S LET IT DROP
  22. MYOB: Proper Response to Other Couple's Public Arguments
  23. Yes, You Can Buy Condoms (formerly titled "WE learned to deal with the embarrassment")
  24. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels
  25. What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy
  26. The Penis: His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too
  27. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out
  28. Commitment Schmittment (formerly titled "Wedlock Schmedlock")
  29. To Honor and Obey: Remembering the Small Print Above "I Do"
  30. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House
  31. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man?

Stages Of Life

THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE

Drink

Seduction Line

Favourite Sport

Drug

Definition Of A Successful Date

Favourite Fantasy

House Pet

Ideal Age To Get Married

Ideal Date

THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE

Drink

Excuses For Refusing Dates

Favourite Sport

Drug

Definition Of A Successful Date

Favourite Fantasy

Favourite Pet

Ideal Age To Get Married

Ideal Date

Womens' Questions

IT IS SATURDAY, a crisp spring afternoon, and you're exactly where you should be: stretched out on the couch in front of a televised sporting event, opening beer number two, relaxed in the knowledge that the pizza you ordered is even now on its way. Nothing could improve this moment, except maybe a bigger television. Suddenly your girl-friend enters the room and says, "What exactly do you think you're doing?"

Is this a trick question or what?

Yes, it is. The trick is that no matter how you answer it, you will immediately find yourself driving down to your nearest home-improvement center, where you will spend the rest of the afternoon trying to decide the type of curtain rod that's right for you.

How does this work?

It has as much to do with the nature of the question itself as with anything else. Women are expert at posing questions that seem to have no right answer. Here's a common example.

"Do I look fat?"

There is no answer to this question that won't be interpreted "Yes." "No" means yes. "Yes" means yes. "I don't know" means yes. "It doesn't matter" means yes. The briefest hint of a pause before speaking means yes, yes, yes. Most of us would rather take the SATs again than field this one, yet it may well come up several times a week. Your only real choice is to say no, clearly and immediately, leaving no possibility for any subtext, and making it sound like a widely acknowledged fact and not simply your opinion. This doesn't work, but all the other options are worse.

There are several other questions for which "no" is the only answer, and several more that call for an emphatic and un-qualified yes. In all of these cases, elaboration, justification or any attempt to be funny is unlikely to pay off.

Consult this handy chart:

JUST SAY NO
Is there someone else? Do you still fantasize about her? Are you tired of me?
JUST SAY YES
Do you still love me? Do you ever fantasize about me? Do you like my hair this way?
Unfortunately, many female inquiries require more than a simple yes or no response. Some of them are more like riddles. Such as this one:

"Which shoes look better?"

Typically you're already late for dinner when your girlfriend confronts you, with one pair of shoes on and another alongside them. This is no ordinary choice. It's a devious chicken/egg puzzler, the sort of choice that would lead even Hobson to say to Mrs. Hobson, "Whichever, you old trout!" If you pick the shoes she already has on, she'll think you're trying to hurry her. If you pick the other pair, she'll think it's because you know you can't pick the ones she has on. Some men try a nonlinear approach and opt for a third, unoffered pair of shoes, but this is inevitably taken as either an attack on her judgment or an opportunity for her to attack yours. On no account suggest another dress. You might as well say, "You're fat." This raises the question of why she's asking you at all. She knows you don't know which shoes look better, and she knows you don't care, so why is she trying to elicit your opinion? This is part of an ongoing campaign to domesticate you. As part of the same campaign, she will occasionally consult you about alternative table settings or new towels. In these two cases a disdainful and dismissive "beats me" should do the trick, but don't try that with the shoe dilemma, or you'll miss your reservation. Instead, suggest that she try on the other shoes, then tell her the first ones look better. This lets you more or less off the hook, as long as you don't raise a fuss when she decides that the second pair are better after all.

"Where do you see this relationship going?"

This could be described as an essay question, since you're obviously not going to get away with snappy little answers such as "forward" or "upstairs" or "I dunno." Another problem is that you and your girlfriend are operating at cross-purposes here. She wants a heartfelt expression of your feelings and an honest assessment of your future together, and you want an easier question. There is certainly no point in answering a toe-curling query like this one without at least a rough idea of precisely what it is she wants to hear. Questions such as this one are a category unto themselves, i.e., Questions that should be answered with another question. See how easily some of the more difficult leading inquiries can be parried through the simple deployment of reflexive interrogation. Whoops! We're in a bit of trouble here. You should have seen that coming. Try a more surreal approach: At the very least it gives you time to think up a better answer. Some all-purpose question-answers include: How much is a lot? Why do you ask? Should I be? What are you saying? Does it matter? What's love got to do with it? Are you talking to me? (Note: Are you having your period? is not one of these.) Let's try a math question. How many people have you slept with? Hmmmmm... now, you can tell her the truth, unless the truth is more than 12, or you can have a guess at the number she's more or less expecting. Like most arithmetic problems, the answer is a lot easier once you have a formula. This one should work as long as neither of you has sex for a living:

Number of people she's slept with +
Number of people she knows you've slept with +
Number of people you actually have slept with.

Add these up and divide by 2. If you round up to the nearest whole person, you should end up with a realistically healthy but not particularly shocking number. If the result is greater than 12, then say 12. Let's move on.

"Why don't you lighten up?"

This rhetorical gem is used whenever you express your disapproval of shoplifting or speeding, or whenever you go to a night-club and spend the whole time complaining because the music is too loud and there aren't any chairs. There's no good answer to this one. You could draw attention to her inconsistency in this matter, noting that she doesn't like it when you act like a kid or when you act like your dad; then again, if you do that, she's liable to see your point and break up with you. Speaking of breaking up, how about this one?

"Are you saying you want to end it?"

Women, like lawyers, rarely ask a direct question, unless they already know what the answer will be. As for women lawyers, I don't know what they do, and I'm pretty sure I don't want to know. The point is, when a woman asks you this question, she knows you're going to say no. Even if you want to say yes, you'll say no. You can't turn the question back on her, because you have no idea what her answer is going to be. If you are trying to break up with her, you'll have to say no and start the whole painful process again. If you aren't trying to break up with her, then it's best to change the subject. Let's try something easier.

"Notice anything different about me?"

Well, slightly easier. This question is of a piece with two others: "Have you forgotten what today is?" and "Have you been listening to a word I've said?" Apart from being questions that are easier to answer wrong than right, they're the kinds of things women say in sitcoms. They are best treated in an ironic postmodern context, i.e., just say what Ward Cleaver would say. Funny, huh? Well, it's not your fault if she doesn't get it. If she wants a better answer, she's going to have to start asking better questions. Questions such as:

"Have you taken a look at yourself lately?"

This question and its cousin, the almost always uncalled for "Who do you think you are?" are ways of gently reminding you how much of a factor pity was in her original decision to go out with you, and how that decision could be rescinded if you behave in any way that cannot be described as abject. You probably brought this rebuke on yourself by mentioning that you reckon Brad Pitt is getting a little chubby or by speculating that Jack Nicholson doesn't have to wait until his birthday for oral sex. You're not really supposed to answer either of these questions. You're just supposed to apologize for your wanton self-esteem-having. Instead of apologizing, just smile. Your manifold inadequacies as a boyfriend --- nay, as a man --- are a kind of revenge all by themselves. Next!

"Do you believe in fidelity?"

Like most philosophical questions that seem to pop up out of the blue, this ques-tion doesn't pop up out of the blue. This general query about fidelity is in fact a coded inquiry about the extent of your fidelity on a specific occasion or occasions. Your response will also have to be coded. Consult this translation chart before giving your answer: There are several more variations, but they're not worth going into. By the time she asks you this question, you're already in deep trouble. It doesn't really matter what you say, as long as you don't blush when you answer.

Let's look at an example that calls for more straight-forward lying.

"What are you looking at?"

She means, "You were looking at that girl, weren't you?" And you thought you'd perfected that trick of keeping your neck still and just letting your eyes swivel. Obviously, the truth is not the best answer here. We all know that the truth can set you free, sometimes before you've found somewhere else to stay. It may seem easy enough to answer this question with a cunning lie, but when men are caught off guard, their ability to deceive is impaired.

Here are a few of the more common mistakes men make when asked, "What are you looking at?"

Too specific:
"The rust around the bolts on the handle on the flap of that mailbox on the northwest corner."
Not specific enough:
"That thing."
Too good to be true:
"A diamond necklace in that window back there that would be perfect on you."
Too true to be good:
"A see-through nightie in that window back there that would be perfect on you."
Too obvious:
"Nothing."
Way too obvious:
"That blonde babe over there with the big...I mean nothing."
Here's one that requires a little interpretation:

"What are we going to do now?"

This one often crops up whenever some kind of emergency or seemingly unsolvable problem arises. The part that requires interpretation is the mysterious "we" in the middle. This means two things: In one sense, "we" clearly means "you," as in, "What are you going to do now," but there is also a sense of "we're in this together," implying that you bear equal responsibility for the fact that she's just dropped her keys down a grate, or that she stores her jack and spare tire in her garage so they won't get stolen.

In such situations you'll probably find that the only answer to "What are we going to do now?" that you can think of is "We are going to break up. Goodbye." Most likely you'll decide not to say anything. After which she will probably let loose with the rather ill-advised:

"Why don't you say something?"

Whether you answer this one is up to you. There is only one question that you should never, ever answer. Keep silent, cower behind your Fifth Amendment rights, pretend you didn't hear, run away, whatever, but don't say anything when she asks:

"Should I get all of my hair cut off?"

If you say anything, then when she does get all her hair cut off (and let's face it, she's already made up her mind) and she hates it (and she will hate it), it will be your fault. Even if you say absolutely nothing, the best you can hope for is that she will come home with all her hair cut off, stare you straight in the eye and say:

"Does it make me look fat?"

You're on your own...
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