Women and Men #1

Quick Reference

• The Rules of Bedroom Golf
• More than 50 ways of getting rid of blind dates
• Gender Testing
• The RULES

The Official Rules of Bedroom Golf

The official rules of Bedroom Golf:

[Again from IntlNet Joke-area. This time from: Mick Harding]

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment, normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf the object of the game is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
4. For most effective play the club should have a firm shaft, course owners are permitted to check stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied the game is complete, failure to do so may result being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to beging playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to cause damage to players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their protection
10. Players should ensure that their match has been properly scheduled particularly when playing a new course. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone playing on what they consider to be a private course.
11. Players are advised to obtain course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
12. Slow play is encouraged. However players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at least temporarily at the course owners request.
13. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting to play the same hole several times in one match.
14. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player...

More Than 50 Ways to Get Rid of Blind Dates

Occasionally in life, it's handy to be able to get out of awkward social situations. In such events, it behooves you to know these...

1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.
2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.
3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
5. Repeat every third third word you say say.
6. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high school yearbook.
7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.
10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
11. Order a bucket of lard.
12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
13. Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female.
14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves.
16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
18. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.
19. Drool.
20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.
21. Eat everything on your plate within
22. seconds of it being placed in front of you.
23. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What in the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?"
24. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
25. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
26. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.
27. Ask your date how much money they have with them.
28. Order for your date. Order something nasty.
29. Communicate in mime the entire evening.
30. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
31. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
32. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
33. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e anything on the table that isn't bolted down.
34. Hold a debate. Take both sides.
35. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.
36. Auction your date off for silverware.
37. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
38. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.
39. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.
40. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good judgement in editing to twist their words around.
41. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
42. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or just nonsense).
43. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.
44. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite.
45. Bring 12 or so candles with you, and during the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
46. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.
47. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
48. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills.
49. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a simliar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.
50. Accuse your date of espionage.
51. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.
52. Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.
53. Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to pay the bill.
54. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.
55. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along.
56. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.

    And, finally....

57. Tell them you moderate rec.humor.funny on the nets.

Gender testing

"Are you male or female?"

1. Aside from getting sterilized, your birth control options are:
   a. one
   b. almost a dozen
2. When parking your car in a public garage you:
   a. toss your keys jauntily to the attendant
   b. hand your keys over politely
3. You haven't shaved in 4 days. The resulting stubble can be construed as:
   a. sexy
   b. gross
4. At the doctor's, a common request would be:
   a. "Cough."
   b. "Would you like to scoot down just a little more dear?"
5. As a sporty person, you need athletic support with:
   a. one cup
   b. two cups
6. When you're feeling insecure, what you say to your best friend is:
   a. nothing
   b. "Do I look fat?"
7. You've slept with several hundred people, one term used to describe you would be:
   a. sports legend
   b. tramp
8. The age it hits home that junk food will devastate your body is:
   a. 35
   b. 14
9. When you hear the words "hand wash," the first thing that comes to your mind is:
   a. your car
   b. panty hose
10. It`s the seventh game of the playoffs, bottom of the ninth, score tied. Bases are loaded with 2 outs. The man at bat has a .338 average against southpaws, and the pitcher is a lefty. Your mate turns to you and says "Do you want a back rub?" You are:
    a. too busy screaming at the TV to even hear the question
    b. daydreaming
11. Your idea of basic pump is:
    a. an athletic shoe made by Nike
    b. a heeled shoe made by Fayva
12. Multiple Orgasms are something you:
    a. give
    b. get

SCORING

0-12 Congratulations, you are a male. This means you have a greater lean-muscle-to-fat ratio, earn most of the money, and a select few of your sex can look forward to being president someday.

13-24 Congratulations, you are a female. This means you will live longer, have your choice of wearing either pants or a skirt in polite company and a select few of your sex can look forward to being president someday.

Daniel Quinlan quinlan@pleiades.cs.bucknell.edu

THE RULES

1. The female always makes the rules.
2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No male can possibly know all the rules.
4. If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some of the rules.
5. The female is never wrong.
6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said.
7. If rule 6 applies, the male must immediately apologize for the misunderstanding.
8. The female can change her mind at any given point of time.
9. The male must never change his mind without written consent from the female.
10. The female has every right to be upset or angry at any time.
11. The male must remain calm at all time, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm.
14. If the female has PMS, all rules are null and void.