Woman and Man: Chemical Analysis

Element: Woman

Symbol: Wo
Discoverer :Adam

Quantitative analysis:

Accepted at 36-28-36, though isotopes ranging from 25-10-20 through 60-55-60 have been identified.

Occurrence:

Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive, energetic single state. Surplus quantities in all urban areas.

Physical properties:

Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at absolutely nothing and freezes at a moments notice. Totally unpredicatble. Melts when properly treated, very bitter if not well used. Found in many states ranging from virgin metal to common ore. Non-magnetic, but attracted coins and sports cars. In its natural state the specimen varies considerably, but is often changed artificially so well that the change is indiscernable except to the experienced eye.

Chemical properties:

Has great affinity for Au, Ag, and C (especially in the crystalline form). May give violent reaction if left alone. Will absorb great amounts of food matter. Highly desired reaction is initiated with various reagents such as C(2)-H(5)-OH and sexy aftershave. An essential catalyst is often required (must say that you love her at least 5 times daily). Reaction accelerates out of control when in dark and all reaction conditions are suitable. Extermely difficult to react if in the highly stable pure form. Yields to pressure applied to correct points. The reaction is highly exothermic.

Storage:

The best results are obtained between the ages of 18 and 25 years.

Uses:

Highly ornamental. Used as a tonic for low spirits. Used on cold nights as a heating agent (if properly prepared).

Tests:

Specimen turns rosey tint if discovered in raw natural state. Turns green if placed beside a better specimen.

Caution:

Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income and ego). Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Specimen must be used with great care if experiments are to succeed. It is illegal to posess more tha one permanent specimen, although a certain amount of exchange is permitted.

Element: Man

Symbol: Ah
(short for a**h***, a common French root used to identify the element)
Discoverer: Eve

Quantitative Analysis:

Accepted at 7 inches, wavy brown hair, 182cm in length, though some isotopes can be as short as 4 inches yet weigh 200+ Kg.

Occurrence:

Found following dual element Wo, often in high concentration near a perfect Wo specimen. (Experimental evidence: any beach on any coast)

Physical properties:

Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo (Snore ... zzzzz) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature. Rarely found in pure form after 14th year. Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of the Wo commom ore.

Chemical properties:

All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible. May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely favorable conditions. Usually willing to react with what ever is available. Reaction Rates range from aborted/non- existant to Pre-interaction effects (which tend to turn the specimen bright red and send it to react with Sa, the sex analyist) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody.

Storage:

Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favorable reaction style.

Uses:

Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo...

Tests:

Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths.

Caution:

Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with reaction to a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very maleable under correct conditions.

An alternative version of the "Woman" elemental description is given below:

Hazardous Materials Information Bulletin

Material Safety Data Sheet
"Woman"
A Chemical Analysis

ELEMENT:

Woman

SYMBOL:

Wo

DISCOVERER:

Adam

ATOMIC MASS:

Accepted 53.6kg. May vary from 40-200kg

LOCATION:

Copious quantities in all urban areas

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Surface usually covered with painted film
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason
3. Melts if given special treatment
4. Bitter if incorrectly used
5. Found in various states, from virgin metal to common ore
6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Has great affinity to Gold, Silver, and a range of precious stones
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no reason
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man

COMMON USES:

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
2. Can be a great aid in relaxation
3. Very effective cleaning agent

TESTS:

1. Pure specimen turns Rosy Pink when discovered in the natural state
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen

POTENTIAL HAZARDS:

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
2. Illegal to possess more than one. However, several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other