Car Humour
Quick Reference
Airbag Contest
DAGEHAM-With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic
market down 11 percent since 1993, Ford unveiled a new instant-win
airbag contest on Monday. The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes
upon violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object,
will come standard in all of the company's 1998 cars. "Car accidents
have never been so exciting", said Ford vice-president of marketing
Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 1998 sales
significantly. "When you play the new Ford Instant Win Airbag Game,
your next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to England's opening
World Cup match in France, or a year's worth of free Esso Unleaded."
Though it does not officially begin until Jan. 1, 1998, the airbag
Promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback
overwhelmingly positive.
"As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself,
'Oh, boy, this could be it - I could be the big winner!'" said
Cambridge's Bernard Freeman, who lost his wife but won $350 on Sunday
when the Escort Si they were driving hit an oil slick at 60 mph and
slammed into an oncoming truck. "When the car stopped rolling down the
embankment, I knew Ellen was dead, but all I could think about was
getting the blood and glass out of my eyes so I could read that airbag!"
"It's really addictive", said Plymouth resident Peter Noods, speaking
from his hospital bed, where he is listed in critical condition with
severe brain hemorrhaging and a punctured right lung. "I've already
crashed four cars trying to win those World Cup tickets, but I still
haven't won. I swear, I'm going to win those tickets - even if it kills
me!"
Noods said that as soon as he is well enough, he plans to buy a new
Mondeo LX and drive it into a tree. Ford officials are not surprised the
airbag contest has been so well received. "In the past, nobody really
liked car crashes, and that's understandable. After all, they're scary
and dangerous and, sometimes, even fatal", Ford CEO Paul Offerman said.
"But now, when you drive a new Ford car or Iveco truck, your next serious
crash could mean serious cash. Who wouldn't like that?" Offerman added
that in the event a motorist wins a prize but is killed, that prize will
be awarded to the next of kin.
According to Ford's official contest rules, odds of winning the grand
prize, a brand-new 1998 Scorpio Ultima, are 1 in 43,000,000.
Statistical experts, however, say the real chances of winning are
significantly worse. "If you factor in the odds of getting in a serious
car accident in the first place - approximately 1 in 720,000 - the
actual odds of winning a prize each time you step in your car are more
like 1 in 31 trillion." Further, even if one is in an accident, there is
no guarantee the airbag will inflate. "I was recently broadsided by a
drunk driver in my new Galaxy", said Cardiff resident Dick Yaknasty.
"My car was totalled, and because it was the side of my car that got
hit, my airbag didn't even inflate. But what really gets me is the fact
that the drunk driver, who rammed my side with the front of his 1997
Explorer, won a $100 gift certificater. That's just wrong."
Haynes Manual
Here is a secret translation of the contents of a Haynes Manual
- Rotate anticlockwise.
- Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer
anticlockwise.
- This is a snug fit.
- Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
- This is a tight fit.
- Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.
- As described in Chapter 7...
- That'll teach you not to read through before you start. Now you
are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
- Pry...
- Hammer a screwdriver into...
- Undo...
- Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size).
- Retain tiny spring...
- PINGGGG - ?Where the hell did that go??
- Press and rotate to remove bulb...
- OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig
out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two).
- Lightly...
- Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your orehead are
throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with
hammer.
- Weekly checks...
- If it isn't broken don't fix it.
- Routine maintenance...
- If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned.
- One spanner rating.
- An infant could do this... so how did you manage to f*** it up?
- Two spanner rating.
- Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low,
teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram
was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been
more use to you).
- Three spanner rating.
- Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days.
- Four spanner rating.
- You're not seriously considering this are you?
- Five spanner rating.
- OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in it again.
- If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
- Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
- Compress...
- Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at
the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer...
- Inspect...
- Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking
at, then declare in a loud knowing voice ?Yes, just as I thought;
it's going to need a new one?
- Carefully...
- You are about to suffer deep abrasions.
- Retaining nut...
- Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
- Get an assistant...
- Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
- Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
- However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once
that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can
start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark
plugs.
- Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
- Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.
- Prise away plastic locating pegs...
- Snap off...
- Using a suitable drift...
- Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
- Everyday toolkit
- RAC Card & Mobile Phone
- Apply moderate heat...
- Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively,
clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
- Index
- List of all things in the book, not including the bit you need