True Stories

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• A Poker Game

A Poker Game

Introduction

There may be more information to come (e.g. from the Police), but a lot of facts have probably died forever along with thousands of poisoned brain cells.

Chronology

6:30pm

Having had a good 'dog' session, Peter and Darren start the evening with a shot of cheap whisky each.

6:31pm

Peter, Darren, Laurence, Bally and Martin head off for the pub, picking up David Heaps and Ronnie on the way.

7:00pm

We decide we have long enough to get another pint in before we head for some food.

7:30pm

We leave for Pizza Express, and instantly lose Martin outside the pub. David H and Ronnie wisely abandon us to our fate.

7:45pm

Peter uses Bally's mobile phone to call Martin, who has Peter's mobile phone, which he was using to call Liz's mobile phone. What a bunch of sad yuppies !

8:00pm

Liz arrives, so we have to order a second litre of cheap chianti.

8:10pm

Everyone's pizzas turn up, but Darren only gets abuse from the waiter and has to wait for his canneloni. Laurence and Peter pretend to be clever by complaining about how the waiter is only pretending to be Italian and can't even pronounce 'Sicilia' properly. This is a bit harsh, as they won't even be able to pronounce the word 'wibble' a few hours later.

8:15pm

Slightly drunk and irate, Darren bangs the table and demands his food.

8:16pm

Darren accuses the waiter of bringing him lasagne even though it is clearly canneloni.

8:20pm

Waiter stops laughing at Darren and goes to laugh with all the other waiters.

8:29pm

Second litre of wine is finished.

8:30pm

Bill is paid and off we head to the office, via Tesco for some soft drinks (not sure what happened to them).

8:45pm

The first hand is won by the hustler, Bally. The boys start on the first bottle of Jack Daniels

8:50pm

The second hand is won by Bally

8:55pm

The third hand is won by Bally

9:00pm

Peter gets fed up with Bally always winning and calls her bluff. Bally is caught red-facedly holding Jack High.

9:10pm

Darren still hasn't whinged. The second bottle of J.D. is opened.

9:20pm

Laurence develops hiccups and decides the best way to cure them is to run around madly on the roof.

9:30pm

Laurence returns from the roof, and runs down to his car to get some beers.

9:35pm

Darren manages to get his beer open by smacking it against the table

9:40pm

Darren clears up all the spilt drinks and play resumes.

9:50pm

Liz has either been cheating, or had some great hands dealt fairly to her, as she wins about the sixth hand on the trot.

9:55pm

Liz says 'giss a kiss babe' for about the hundredth time that evening, and Martin finally relents.

10:00pm

Lozzer rushes off to the roof again having thrown his cards onto the table, ruining Darren's best hand of the night.

10:01pm

Darren whinges lots. Laurence whinges nearly as much.

10:15pm

The girls keep on winning and Bally has just taken a 7.50 pot from Peter's grasp.

10:30pm

Liz has amassed a large Fort Knox style pile of coins, and is beaming from ear to ear.

10:45pm

The serious drinking starts with a cry from Peter. 'Down em'

11:00pm

Lozzer suddenly and mysteriously vanishes, leaving a very small pile of 5p pieces on the table. The others initially assume he's on the roof, but hear no footsteps and therefore decide that he must have jumped.

11:10pm

Peter can still be seen downing shots with Martin and Darren.

11:20pm

Out come the cigars, and yet more shots for Martin and Peter. Darren realises that he can't keep up if he plans to walk, so he stops.

11:21pm

Lozzer's ante money has nearly run out and we realise that he isn't playing anyway.

11:22pm

A short 'dog' session breaks out while Bally is on the phone to her boyfriend. The third bottle of whisky (the really cheap nasty stuff) is opened.

11:25pm

Bally decides it's too tame here, and heads into London to go clubbing.

11:30pm

Martin and Peter have started talking gibberish, and Martin passes out on the floor. He is still grinning madly.

11:31pm

Liz starts blubbing (what a girlie !) about the fact her boyfriend is in a coma. Peter giggles and pours himself another drink.

11:35pm

Peter tries to give his comatose drinking partner a reviving shot of Jack Daniels, but is tripped by a flat piece of floor, does an 'Indiana Jones'-style stagger into the water cooler, and slumps to the ground, mumbling that the doors used to be bigger.

11:40pm

Darren has convinced Liz to get a taxi home and promises to stay with Martin to make sure he doesn't die in the night. Darren must be unwell - usually he'd have gone with the woman.

11:50pm

Realising that Martin can't drink in his current state, Peter removes his jumper to prop up Martin's head.

12:00pm

Peter begins his epic journey home (it's roughly a mile, 'as the crow flies', but much further 'as the drunk stumbles').

12:20pm

Darren gets bored making sure Martin isn't dying and tries to get some kip on the very hard floor, helped by a load of sofa cushions the security guard kindly brings up.

4:00am

Peter makes it home ! He promptly passes out somewhere in the house, is moved to the newly-decorated spare room, and throws up !

7:00am

Darren's bed is taken away from him by the security guard who claims that normal people have started arriving. Martin hasn't moved, but must be alive because he's snoring loudly.

7:30am

Darren gives up trying to wake up Martin, and pours some water in his face instead, still no reaction. He considers shaving off Martin's eyebrows, but can't be bothered.

7:35am

Ronnie enters to find Martin still passed out on the floor.

7:45am

Dave Wicks enters to find Martin still slumped on the floor.

8:00am

Martin is finally woken up, and he starts to make strange baa-ing sounds.

8:10am

Martin finally gets unsteadily to his feet, like a new-born horse taking its first steps, and staggers towards the bathroom.

8:20am

Martin is found sitting by his car. Having convinced Martin he is in no fit state to drive, Darren then has to convince him that Dazzer is in no fit state to drive either. Besides, Lozzer's car is blocking the way.

8:30am

No taxis are available, so Martin staggers outside into the pouring rain to hail one.

9:00am

Having not found one, Martin is seen staggering off into the distance with a backpack.

Strangely, both Martin and Peter took the day off.

We later heard (from Kate) that Peter arrived home at 4am without his shirt, and that the police were involved somehow. Peter can remember nothing after 10pm last night, but one side of his body is bruised (consistent with a car accident, or with falling into a water cooler ?). He has been resting today. Kate is not pleased.

Martin was not contactable all day. Liz says he's alive, but still confused - he said "Where have you been ? It's 4am" when she came home this afternoon - and is still sleeping it off. He got a taxi home from the station, couldn't fit his key in the lock, and so kicked the front door in. By this time, Liz had left for work with a bad hangover. Liz is not pleased, but she was involved as well, and she won enough money to pay for the door repairs.

We will not be having any more poker evenings.

It's still a few weeks until Martin's 30th birthday, so he could still die young.

This report was compiled by Dazzer and Lozzer, and is probably totally inaccurate and biased, but what else would you expect ?