Real World Humour #5

Quick Reference

• Mottos To Live By
• Pilot's Nerves
• London Underground
• DSS Statements
• Really Bad Luck
• Management Technqiues of the Bottom 95%
• Life in 1500
• Life in 2003
• Corporate Lessons

Mottos To Live By

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tyre.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
6. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
7. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
12. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
13. If you lend someone 20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
14. Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
15. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
16. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
17. Some days you are the fly, some days you are the windshield.
18. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
19. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
20. Don't squat with your spurs on.
21. Good judgement comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.
22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a raindance.
24. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
25. Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
26. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
27. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
28. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
29. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
30. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
31. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
32. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Pilot's Nerves

My friend, an ex-Marine Aviator, wanted to show off his new twin-engine plane. I was riding along as he put it through its paces. Suddenly, we were caught in a violent thunderstorm, with lightning crashing all around us. Next, we lost the radio and most of the instruments.

As we were being tossed around in the sky, George said, "Uh-oh!"

Fearing the worst, I asked, "What's wrong now?"

George replied, "I got the hiccups. Do something to scare me."

London Underground

Heard at Earl's Court:

"The train at platform three is not going to Parsons Green but to Richmond.
The train approaching platform two is also not going to Parsons Green but to Ealing Broadway. These trains are not going to Parsons Green despite what the signal men think.

On the Northern Line:

"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."

On the Piccadilly Line:

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

At Leyton station (where a train was stationary despite a green light):

"Sorry for the delay ladies and gentlemen but there is a queue of trains ahead of us so I have decided to wait here, because I'm sure you don't want to sit in a tunnel getting hot and sweaty"

On the Central line:

"Next time, you might find it easier to wait until the doors are open before trying to get on the train"

At King's Cross:

"This train is completely broken, it isn't going anywhere"

On the Victoria line:

"This is Brixton, err, no, it's Victoria!"

"This is like that TV advert, I hope the person next to you is wearing a good deodorant!"

"Have a very relaxing weekend. Hope to see you all again Monday morning!"

At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon):

'Please let the passengers off the train first...
Please let the passengers off the train first...
Please let the passengers off the train first...
Let the passengers off the train FIRST!...
Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care, I'm going home.'

At Moorgate (after a 20-minute delay):

"I apologise for the delay but the computer controlling the signalling at Aldgate and Whitechapel has the Monday Morning Blues"

At West Hampstead:

"We can't move off because some c*** has their f***ing hand stuck in the door'

At Mill Hill East:

"Hello this is xxx speaking, I am the captain of your train, and we will be departing shortly, we will be cruising at an altitude of approximately zero feet, and our scheduled arrival time in Morden is 3:15pm. The temperature in Morden is approximately 15 degrees Celsius, and Morden is in the same time zone as Mill Hill east, so there's no need to adjust your watches."

On a delayed train at Epping (when the driver had a chat with a colleague unaware that he'd left the tannoy on):

"bollocks to the lot of them, I don't care if they don't make it to work."

DSS Statements

1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had 7 but one died which was baptized on a sheet of paper.
2. I am writing the Welfare Dept. to say that my baby was born 2 years old. When do I get my money?
3. Mrs. Jones has not had any clothing for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.
4. I cannot get sick pay. I have had 6 children. Can you tell me why?
5. I am glad to report that my husband who was reported missing is dead.
6. This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?
7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead, as the man I am living with can't do a thing until he knows.
8. I am very much annoyed to find you have branded my boy as illiterate. This is a dirty lie. I was married to his father a week before he was born.
9. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.
10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children, one of which was a mistake as you can see.
11. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
12. My husband got laid off from his job 2 weeks ago, and I haven't had any relief since.
13. You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make any difference?
14. I have no children yet as my husband is a bus driver and works night and day.
15. In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
16. I want my money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with a doctor for 2 weeks and he hasn't done me any good. If things don't improve I will have to send for another doctor.
17. (In response to the question, "Why have you applied for public assistance?")
    My husband left me last month and I am in need of ass.
18. Dear Sirs, please stop my assistance since I got a job begging in Clapham.

Really Bad Luck

• A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore -- where a tree blew over and killed him.
• Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge -- killing him.
• Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.
• George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him.
• Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife.
• In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright.
• A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death.
• Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and found himself in the city prison.
• In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing the busy Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and flung over its roof. The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay stunned in the road, another car ran into him, rolling him into the gutter. It too drove on. As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine the magnetic Irishman, a delivery van plowed through the crowd, leaving in its wake three injured bystanders and an even more battered Bob Finnegan. When a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd wisely scattered and only one person was hit-Bob Finnegan. In the space of two minutes Finnegan suffered a fractured skull, broken pelvis, broken leg, and other assorted injuries. Hospital officials said he would recover.
• While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti came up to a railway line just as the crossing gates were coming down. While he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a goat, which the farmer tethered to the crossing gate. A few moments later a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti, followed in short order by a man in a sports car. When the train roared through the crossing, the horse startled and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be trifled with, Falatti responded by punching the horse in the head. In consequence the horse's owner jumped down from his cart and began scuffling with the motorcyclist. The horse, which was not up to this sort of excitement, backed away briskly, smashing the cart into the sports- car. At this, the sports-car driver leaped out of his car and joined the fray. The farmer came forward to try to pacify the three flailing men. As he did so, the crossing gates rose and his goat was strangled. At last report, the insurance companies were still trying to sort out the claims.
• Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car at a snail's pace near the center of the road. At the moment of impact their heads were both out of the windows when they smacked together. Both men were hospitalized with severe head injuries. Their cars weren't scratched.
• In a classic case of one thing leading to another, seven men aged eighteen to twenty-nine received jail sentences of three to four years in Kingston-on-Thames, England, in 1979 after a fight that started when one of the men threw a french fry at another while they stood waiting for a train.
• Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled.
• An unidentified English woman, according to the London Sunday Express was climbing into the bathtub one afternoon when she remembered she had left some muffins in the oven. Naked, she dashed downstairs and was removing the muffins when she heard a noise at the door. Thinking it was the baker, and knowing he would come in and leave a loaf of bread on the kitchen table if she didn't answer his knock, the woman darted into the broom cupboard. A few moments later she heard the back door open and, to her eternal mortification, the sound of footsteps coming toward the cupboard. It was the man from the gas company, come to read the meter. "Oh," stammered the woman, "I was expecting the baker." The gas man blinked, excused himself and departed.

Staffing

1. Hire the best employees you can possibly afford then ignore their input, micro-manage them and second guess their decisions.
2. Recognize employees who develop new or extend existing skills by putting others in charge of related projects.
3. Keep staffing levels critically low.
4. Hire consultants to "relieve" the workload. Temporary employees do not raise head count and rumors of exorbitant hourly rates will engage staff as their new co-workers "come up to speed".
5. Criticism must be public to be effective.
6. Reward successful and overachieving employees with increased workloads. reduce the milieu of other staff accordingly.
7. Reward poor employees, beyond keeping them on the payroll, by offering them the same education and advancement opportunities as your stars.
8. Choose your subordinate managers carefully. Skilled, savvy people with good interpersonal and organizational skills can threaten your position; never promote these employees and they will leave under their own accord.

Cooperation

1. Lay claim to areas serviced by other divisions and departments.
2. Never give up something no matter how badly you're doing ("If you've got it, hold it!").
3. Build dysfunctional teams by forcing motivated, knowledgeable employees to work closely with underachievers and the inept.
4. Cultivate an adversarial relationship to other departments and divisions.
5. Insist upon skill-sharing and cross-training without allocating time or reducing workloads.
6. Encourage "round-table" discussions then dominate them and dismiss disagreement.
7. Break down social and personal barriers by intruding upon unproductive time such as trips to the restroom, meals, sleep and family visits.

Project Management

1. Prioritize all tasks and projects equally.
2. Delay action on major and minor projects then make snap decisions.
3. Set arbitrary deadlines and stick to them.
4. Keep "top level" information to yourself and deluge staffers with innumerable details.
5. Publish standard operating procedures that are neither standard nor the procedure.
6. Define "corporate goals" near mid-year.
7. Use your investment portfolio as a handy guide for decision making.
8. Involve subordinates in the decision making process by having them attend a merry-go-round of unrelated meetings.
9. Establish a corporate Project Management Office then ignore it.

Corporate Culture

1. Maintain an atmosphere of crisis.
2. Recognize best practices by ignoring them, they'll go away.
3. Define "opportunities" in terms of additional work.
4. Require non-critical work to be performed after-hours, on weekends and over holidays.
5. Stratify management and encourage bureaucracy.
6. Create a "culture of meetings".
7. Base critical decisions upon incomplete or inaccurate information.
8. Encourage subcommitees.
9. Embrace the status quo. Decay is preferable to change.
10. Lavish praise on minor accomplishments.
11. Buck the trend by curtailing perks.
12. Silently live by the motto,"No policy is the best policy."
13. Keep the rumor trade busy by not stating objectives.
14. Publish costly, colorful, and content-free internal bulletins.

• Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June.. However, they were starting to smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour.. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
• Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children-last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."
• Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."
• There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. that posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
• The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor."
• The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a "thresh hold."
• In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old." Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.. It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon". They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."
• Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
• Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."
• Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence, the custom of holding a "wake."
• England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."
• Convicts who were sentenced to death by hanging would give kids money to swing from their legs whilst they were on the noose, so they would die quicker and not suffer. Hence the saying 'hangers on !'

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses (even then it's difficult).
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "0" or "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
9. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
10. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
11. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.

    AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE...
    

12. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
13. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends"
14. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you any more, except to send you jokes from the net.

Corporate Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings.

After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk, in a timely fashion with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to avoid embarrassing exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2

The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily placed his hand high up on her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129."

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129."

Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek; further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the Story: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!

Corporate Lesson 3

A sales rep, an admin clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually grant only three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're next," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of story: Always let your boss have the first say.