Real World Humour
Quick Reference
New Element Discovered by AEA Technology Scientists
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
physicists at AEA Technology Harwell. The element, tentatively named
Administratium, has no protons or electrons and has an atomic number
of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 8 assistant neutrons, 10
executive neutrons, 35 vice neutrons and 258 assistant vice neutrons.
This gives it an atomic mass of 311.5, since the neutron is only
detectable part of the time. These 312 particles are held together by
a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles
called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is completely inert.
However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it
comes into contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute
amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take over 4 days to
complete when it would normally occur in less than one second.
Another experiment which should have completed in a few days, is still
running 0.5 years later due to the addition of just 1 gram of
Administratium.
Administratium is weakly active and has a normal half-life of
approximately 6 months, at which time it does not actually decay, but
instead undergoes a metamorphosis in which assistant neutrons,
executive neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange
places. Some studies suggest that the atomic weight actually
increases after each reorganisation.
Research at other laboratories has confirmed these results and
indicated that, although it occurs widely, Administratium tends to
concentrate around certain points such as large corporations, research
laboratories and government departments. It can even be found in the
most recently reorganised sites. There is also circumstantial
evidence that Administratium is involved in promoting both
de-forestation and global atmospheric warming.
Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any
level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions
where it is allowed to accumulate. Numerous attempts have been made
to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent
irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.
Top 50 Worst Reasons to pull an all-nighter
by Jeremy "Shaggy" Toeman (jt3h+@andrew.cmu.edu)
NOTE: an all-nighter means missing one night's worth of sleep.
- Heated "Less-filling" "Tastes great" debate.
- Need to figure out which way is east. Wait for sunrise.
- Watching Professional Wrestling.
- Writing script to "Problem Child 3" in an attempt to put to rest all
the unanswered questions from 1 and 2.
- Cramming for a test you have the following week.
- Waiting for friend to call back with answer to "How do you keep an
idiot up all night?"
- Anything involving latin, Taylor's series, or heat transfer.
- Attempting to discover how many licks it takes to get to the center
of a Tootsie Pop.
- Slightly confused on that whole 5 o'clock shadow thing.
- Listening to every CD you own using that cool "intro" feature that
comes in SO handy with every CD player available.
- John Wayne-a-thon on channel 2.
- Trying to figure out all the words to that Nirvana song.
- UCBTalking to anyone you won't ever spend intimate time with. Same
goes for IRC and Broadcast.
- Watering plants. Dead plants. Rocks. Dirt. The cat.
- Trying to draw a perfect circle freehand, with crayons.
- Singing along with "Achy Breaky Heart" over and over again. What
catchy lyrics that song has, eh?
- Second-guessing your clock. (Also works well with Traffic Lights, and
simply anything that blinks on and off forever)
- Driving to every 7-11 (or Circle K) in town, just to check that they
are being faithful to their "Open 24 Hours" policies.
- Trying to figure out just why Wil Wheaton is a star.
- Pricking yourself with a pin every 5 minutes, just for the heck of
it.
- Reading all the articles in your entire Playboy collection to see how
relevant they are to today's economy.
- Spinning round and round in circles until you get so dizzy you hurl.
Repeat in opposite direction. Figure out which way makes you blow
chunks faster. Try to keep spinning while heaving.
- Coming up with as many colorful euphemisms for the term "vomit" as
possible. (e.g. spew, yak, ralph, etc...)
- Thinking about ways the world would be different if there was no
cement.
- Spelunking. In your basement.
- Price shopping for beef jerky at any 24-hour supermarkets.
- Thinking about that 14-year old brat who sent in $1000 to Clinton,
when you splurge on a Whopper Combo.
- Making popcorn, or blowing balloons. (Sorry, inside joke. They are
still NOT good reasons to pull an all-nighter, however)
- Pulling out each strand in a Koosh ball. Reassemble the koosh ball.
Repeat. Juggle on occasion.
- Pretending it is really 12 hours later than it is. (i.e. Going to
classes, eating lunch, waiting for the soaps to come on...)
- Just watching that flashing 12:00 on your VCR because you looked at
your other clocks already, and are simply looking for a second
opinion.
- Rearranging your room all night long, attempting to make the WORST
setup possible, just to show that you would do such a thing.
- Learn how to communicate better with the animal kingdom.
- Trying to figure out how that counter works on a VCR. Once you do
figure it out, borrow a friend's VCR. Repeat until insane.
- Memorizing all the area codes. (Other good things: local phone
prefixes, zip codes, time zones, etc...)
- Wanting to see cool times on your clock like 1:23, 6:66, 4:56, 00:69,
6:30, etc... (If you actually look for some of these times, you may
end up waiting more than all night...)
- Pulling all your hair out so you can organize it by color, length,
thickness, straightness. Continue doing so until they haul you off to
the loony bin.
- Learning sanskrit, serbo-croatian, ancient french, klingon, or any
other language you probably won't have much call for.
- Anything that has to do with Star Trek. (ESPECIALLY watching Star
Trek 5 or 1 really... or that Deep Space show....)
- Catching up with all those missed episodes of Coach you taped, so you
can follow along with the current, in-depth plotline.
- Buying large amounts of bubble wrap, popping it ALL, then using it to
ship stuff. Breakable stuff.
- You HAVE a life, yet you spend it reading lists like this.
- Getting high on Marks-A-Lot markers.
- Holding yourself hostage, but not telling anyone. Make large demands.
- Trying to find food combinations that taste really bad.
- Pondering all the hardships Michael Jackson has gone through in his
life. Writing him a sympathy card would be a nice touch.
- House of cards.
- Reliving the war. Any war. Maybe a childhood schoolyard fight. Maybe
just you stubbing your toe on that damned couch again.
- Playing with heat-sensitive toys.
- Writing "Top 50" lists. Be creative.
Thanks to Michael "Red" Harris for his rather uninspiring remarks.
Distribute freely, but please don't cut ANYTHING from the first line to this
one.
Shaggy Toeman jt3h+@andrew.cmu.edu
Cajun Humour
From: merle@ibmoto.com (Merle Grall)
Jean Paul and Beaudry, two Louisiana natives, were the best
of friends. They had grown up together in the backwoods and did
everything together; huntin', fishin, drinkin', just everything.
One day they arrived home from a night of coon huntin' and Beaudry
found his wife not at home. He waited and then called around looking
for her, but never could locate her. He called on his friend Jean Paul
and called his wife's church friends and the sheriff, but no one knew
where she was. After three days Beaudry became despondant and depressed.
that afternoon Jean Paul came by and found his compadre sitting on the
porch, his eyes red and strained from worry.
"Beaudry my frien'," Jean Paul placed a firm hand on his buddy's
shoulder. "I have good news and bad news."
"Oh no. Tell me Jean Paul. I know it must be about my wife."
"I'm afraid so. I was out with the sheriff and his deputy this
morning and we found her car. She had gone through the guard rail
and sunk into Cottonmouth bayou."
"OH MY LORD!" Beaudry wailed "I just knew it would be like this!
My poor Yvonne! How will I make it without her! " He cradled his head
in his arms and began to sob. Jean Paul did his best to comfort him,
as they sat there on the porch."Jean Paul, you mentioned some good news.
Please.. tell it to me. I need to hear something comforting in the midst
of all my sorrow."
"Well," Jean Paul said,"when we pulled her up out of the water
we found 16 crawdad and 4 blue crab latched onto her, so we gonna float
her out again tonight!"
Rules of Thumb for the Clueless
From somone who learned them the hard way. (Well, maybe)
Hairdressers
Always assume that your barbers and hairdressers are from another
galaxy where "Just give me a trim" is actually Moronian for "What the
hell, just chop it all off." If you have a picture of yourself with a
halfway decent haircut, bring it in and point at it mutely. They'll
understand. Just make sure there aren't any pets in the picture with
you, or they might get confused; God only knows what you'll wind up
looking like then.
Dealing with Roommates
Undesirable roommates can be disposed of by surreptitiously
stapling or gluing bills of large denominations to the backs of their
jackets. This works best if you live in one of the seedier parts of
town. It costs much less than a hit man, and it's perfectly legal. I
think.
Selecting a Place to Live
Big basements are key. People you barely know will ask you to
store all sorts of stuff for them. Lots of stuff. Just tell them,
"OK," take their junk, and sell it the next day; they'll forget about
it and never ask for it again anyhow. If they do, simply inform them
that their sofas have been "liberated" by the Berserkers Advocating
Rights for Furniture. They'll understand, and they won't bother you
any longer. Especially if you mention that you are a member of the
aforementioned organization. Make sure that you foam at the mouth
when you say this. Be rabid, with conviction.
Bathroom Etiquette/Survival
If you live in an apartment or house and are responsible for
cleaning the bathroom yourself (translation: the bathroom is cleaned
bicentenially), use orange shampoo. This way, you can rationalize
that the orange slimy stuff growing on your shower curtains is
actually merely a buildup of shampoo residue. Important note: if you
have a roommate in the biological sciences, under NO curcumstances
allow him to grow a sample of it in a Petri dish. And if he does, for
heaven's sake, don't snort it, especially if there are sharp objects
lying around that you could hurt yourself with later. (I still have
the scars.)
If the water pressure is low, when you use the bathroom, do your
business, flush immediately, then wipe yourself up and flush again.
No sense in having to duck flying pieces of crap while you're plunging
the toilet.
Yard Maintenance
When birds start perching on the lawn, it's time to mow it.
Leftovers
Make sure to eat leftovers before the predator/prey relationship
between you and your food reverses itself through a process of
accelerated evolution. If you're not sure just how far this process
has gone so far, keep a heavy, blunt object handy while cleaning out
the fridge.
Even after leftovers have gotten to this stage, they can still be
put to good use: if you dump them in the trash (after clubbing them
a couple of times, of course) just before going on a two- or three-
day trip, the resulting stench will ensure that one of your roommates
will take out the garbage for you while you're gone.
Bedtime Attire
If you're a sleepwalker, don't go to bed in the buff.
"Doing Push-ups"
In the making of the beast with two backs, avoid the resonant
frequency of your living complex, or you'll hear no end of it from
your neighbors. If you do hit that frequency, though, and you know
you've been caught, stay with it for a little while. If you only have
the place rocking for a few seconds, then you'll really hear no end
of it.
Scott Davies (scottd@coryeecs.berkeley.edu)
Double masochist in computer science and physics at UC Berkeley
Where Do Babies Come From?
From: raj@microelectronic.e-technik.th-darmstadt.de (Raj Singh)
From: ara@wam.umd.edu (Ford Prefect)
Newsgroups: de.talk.jokes.d,eunet.jokes,rec.humor
Subject: Re: Where do babies come from?
Date: 26 Sep 1993 02:15:24 GMT
In England we're found under gooseberry bushes [Stachelbeerstrauch]
I find this difficult to believe as gooseberries just aren't that
popular.
We're also brought by storks which is pretty much international
I think.
What a bunch of wimps!
Where I was born, Beirut, Lebanon, we were not brought by storks! hah!
the dang things would be shot down before they even got near.
no, in Beirut, we were brought by armoured amphibious heavy lift Ducks!
Before they stealthily moved to shore, they would give us our final
instructions, where to crawl, landmarks to look for, the passcry and other
necessary information. At 0 hour, the duck would make land fall, if
detected it would lay down a covering fire pattern of armour piercing rounds
and incindiary shells, we would disembark, crawling as fast as possible
for cover, as soon as we got to our designated areas the duck would
almost submerge and get the hell out of there, we would be on our own.
On my day of birth, the enemy fire was heavy, my duck had taken several
hits, it was not distroyed but was damaged enough so that it could only
manage a slow getaway. I was hiding behind the remains of a concrete wall
waiting for a break in the firefight. Suddenly heavy shelling began
both sides were using high yeild shells and incindiaries, there I was
buck naked in the middle of all this. the other babys and I grouped
together to make a rush across a small clearing. We made a run for it
and we found out the reason it was clear was because it was a mine field.
only half of us made it through intact.
Suddenly there was a flurry of gun
fire, seems there were some guerillas in a building not far from where we
were and they opened up with a couple of 50mm cannon. We instinctively
hit the deck, easy since we didn't know how to walk yet anyway. Two of
us were blown away, only three remained. By some chance we had roled toward
a hole in one of the walls that led to safety. We went through.
We were instantly surrounded by heavily armed Doctors and Nurses, they did not
fire but asked for the passcry, Waaaa Waaaa I went, Waaaa Waaaa went the
other baby, but the third one yelled JIHAD! and with a blood curdling oath
leapt for the throat of one of the doctors, he was instantly cut down with
M16 fire. After that, they checked us for hidden explosives and booby traps
and being clean of them thus I and the other kid were born!
That's how real men are brought into this world, not by being found under
some stinkin' blueberry bush or being caried aloft by some flea bitten stork!
Yeah! thats right! we bad!
-Ara (the mad armenian)