Famous Quotations

"If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it, is Bambi squashed beneath it any less dead?": - Mason Capwell
"Fellows' Law: All fixed-size fields are too small.": - David Fellows
"Be yourself. Who else is better qualified?": - Unknown
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry, and I'll laugh anyway!": - Unknown
"Smarter than a speeding bullet!"
"I feel like a God damned mushroom - kept in the dark and fed bullshit!": - Impulse, the movie
"Eat well, sleep well, and work like hell.": - The Astronomers
"...but, as with most meetings, the real progress came later...": - The Astronomers
"He's looking at you like you're a frog in Bio-101": - Al, Quantum Leap
"Wouldn't be any fun if they just fell over with their legs in the air.": - Cocktail, the movie
"Whoever dies with the most toys wins.": - Mason Capwell
"I just got paid and I want to get ...": - Bud, Married... With Children
"Politically Correct term: 'G(g)od(dess)(es)'": - The Bruns
"How's your wife and my kids?"
"Ted, what you know about women could be engraved on the head of a pin -- in three different languages!": - Angela Cassidy
"Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.": - Oscar Levant
"The more things change, the more they suck!": - Beavis & Butt-Head
"Health Tip #823: Baloney isn't supposed to be crunchy."
"I felt a great disturbance in The Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.": - Obi-Wan Kenobi
"Justice is DONE.": - Metallica
"The truth is out there.": - X-Files

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"In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice, there is."
"Are you ready Steve? (Uh-huh.): Andy? (Yeah.); Mick? (Okay.); Alright fellas, well let's goooh!"; - Sweet
"Well you can imagine what happened; things went from bad... to free thought.": - James Burke, _Connections_
"And that's when I looked down at the end of the leash and saw that I was 'Buck-naked'.": - Kelly Bundy, Married... With Children
"You have the right to free speech, as long as you're not dumb enough to actually try it.": - The Clash
Alexander Graham Bell: "Mr. Watson, come here, I want you!": And a voice came back to him: "Meridian Mail... Mr. Watson is on the phone...."
"Save the Humans."
"Operating System: A seething mass of linked lists.": - David Fellows
Capt. Kirk: "I have a plan, Mr. Spock...": Mr. Spock: "I'm all ears, Captain..."
"MACINTRASH /mak'in-trash`/ n. The Apple Macintosh, as described by a hacker who doesn't appreciate being kept away from the {real computer} by the inter- face. The term {maggotbox} has been reported in regular user in the Research Triangle area of North Carolina. Compare {Macintoy}. See also {beige toaster}, {WIMP environment}, {point-and-drool interface}, {drool-proof paper}, {user-friendly}, {user-obsequious}.": - _The_New_Hacker's_Dictionary_, 2nd edition, E.S. Raymond (ed.).
"Ferengi Rule of Acquisition #48: The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife."
"Accidents don't just happen; they must be carelessly planned.": - Disney
"A distributed system is one in which I cannot get something done because a machine I've never heard of is down": - Leslie Lamport
"50MHz 486 + Microsoft Windows = 4.77MHz 8088.": - Max_Exter@amsbbs.bc.ca
"Apology accepted, Captain Needa.": - Darth Vader (right after choking him to death)
"C is quirky, flawed, and an enormous success.": - Dennis M. Ritchie
"You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.": - Ben Kenobi about to read uw.general
"And God said: E = .mv. - Ze./r, and there was light."
"Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.": - skoper@world.std.com
"Black Holes are where God is dividing by zero.": - dnichols@ceilidh.beartrack.com
"If puns are outlawed, only outlaws will have puns.": - seiler@nibbles.gsfc.nasa.gov
"Red ship crashes into blue ship - sailors marooned...": - paul.gelsman@satalink.com
"The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.": - Shakespeare
"PC Bulletin: Henceforth, sentient computers would like to be known as 'Silicon Intelligences.' 'Artificial Intelligence' is a pejorative term invented by humans based on the mistaken belief that computers are some- how not 'natural.'": - elf@halcyon.com
"Sin - I didn't invent it - I'm only trying to perfect it!": - ag544@FreeNet.Carleton.CA
"A lawyer is an expert on justice in the same way that a whore is an expert on love.": - s967701@umslvma.umsl.edu
"Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do.": - shere@slac.stanford.edu
"I'VE DONE IT!! Xⁿ + Yⁿ = Zⁿ NO SOLUTIONS!! IT'S SOOO SIMPLE!!! Too bad I don't have enough space to include it in this .sig file...": - ccli@undergrad.math.uwaterloo.ca
"Nietzsche is dead.": - God
"Why is it that when they show a computer ad they show computers and when they show a car ad they show cars but when they show a condom ad they show people playing tennis?": - steven.sullivan@office.wang.com
"The streets will flow with the blood of the non-believers!": - Beavis
"Seminars, n.: From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion.": - saw@eniac.seas.upenn.edu
"This .sig was encrypted using ROT26!": - twrathbo@undergrad.math.uwaterloo.ca
"If you don't have anything good to say... say it often.": - Ed the Sock
"keyboard not connected -- press F1 to continue"
"Life starts at '030, fun starts at '040, impotence starts at '86": - walter.harms@arbi.informatik.uni-oldenburg.de
"..the variable PI can be given that value [3.141592653589793] with a DATA statement... This simplifies the modifying of the program, should the value of PI ever change.": - Xerox
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.": - drhergot@icr2.uwaterloo.ca
"Who is this General Failure and why is he reading my disk?": - uhhjh@alf.uib.no
"Now is the time for the quick brown fox to jump over the moon.": - rblander@undergrad.math.uwaterloo.ca
"We are not inheriting the Earth from our ancestors, we are borrowing it from our children.": - shallida@atlas.cs.upei.ca
"I could complain that rosebushes have thorns or rejoice that thornbushes have roses.": - ldean00@mik.uky.edu
"Puberty is when you separate the boys from the girls. Sometimes with a crowbar.": - Beakman
"My capacity for happiness you can fit into a matchbox without taking the matches out first.": -- Marvin P. Android
"Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.": - Dr. K
"No one can hurt your feelings without your consent.": - E. Roosevelt
"Reality is that which does not go away when you stop believing.": - Philip K. Dick
"Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?"
"I don't have an overactive imagination... I have an underactive reality... ": - EG
"...and I see your schwartz is as big as mine": - Dark Helmet
"Two bulls are on the top of a hill looking down at a herd of cows. The young bull says to the older bull, 'pop, let's run down there and fuck one of those cows.' The papa bull says, 'no, son, let's walk down there and fuck 'em all.'": - Colors, the movie
"Fools rush in where fools have been before."
"Real Users are always afraid they'll break the machine, but they're never afraid to break your face."
"Oh, good call, Luke, ground yourself.": - Dave Peplinski, watching Return of the Jedi
"Nice guys don't finish last, they stay on the bench!"
"All problems in computer science can be solved by adding an extra level of indirection.": - Jay Black [in a sardonic tone]
"Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.": - Pslams 137:9, King James Bible
"Many of them also which used curious arts brought their books together and burned them .... So mightily grew the word of God and prevailed.": - Acts 19:19-20, King James Bible
"The US government spends billions and billions of dollars on bombs and welfare -- hard to say which is more destructive.": - N.H's.D., paraphrased
"This msg is shareware. If you like it, and read it often, please send $15...": - Bret Hoeffler
"Make it possible for programmers to write programs in English, and you will find that programmers cannot write in English.": - Hinds' Seventh Law
"Make it possible for programmers to write programs in C, and you will find that programmers cannot write in C.": - Bruce's Seventh Law
"He's dead Jim. You grab his tricorder and I'll get his wallet.": - escott@freenet.fsu.edu
"Nobody comes here any more because it's too crowded!": - Ken Cadby
"God: Santa Claus for grown-ups.": - James Morrow
"I've heard the best form of birth control is to point and laugh.": - Dan Newcombe
"I was born in Canada"...: "What part?"; "All of me"; - Alex Phillion?
"They keep you doped with religion and sex and TV, 'til you think you're so clever and classless and free. But you're still f*****g peasants as far as I can see...": - John Lennon
"I prefer dark chocolate, especially with nuts, but that doesn't mean I should legislate that you have to eat it.": --Bjarne Stroustrup
"...the product of a mind that was not merely twisted, but actually sprained."
"He that is wounded in the stones or hath his privy member cut off shall not enter unto the Congregation of the Lord."
"Bub*ba (buh' ba) n. Do not use this term to refer to the customer.": - Actual entry in AIX Information Development Dictionary.
"Rolling balls, naturally, won't just stop in mid-track because an XOFF character has been received.": - Mark Tildon
"FAITH, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.": - Ambrose Bierce - The Devil's Dictionary
"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice Doggie!' until you can find a suitable rock."
"Wedding rings: the world's smallest handcuffs.": - Judi Phelps
"Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbour.": -Ambrose Bierce
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.": - Clarence Darrow
"Youth is wasted on the young.": -- Richard Marx
"I have a bad feeling about this !!!": - Han Solo ('77,'80,'83)
"Winning isn't everything, but losing sucks.": - Larry Kahn
"A Canadian???? What's that?": "It's kind of like an American, but with out the gun."
"Another kind of perfect 10: A 4 with a 6-pack.": - Gary Benson
"I used to be sad because I had no woman. Then I met a man who had no hands.": - Rick Riebs
"That was Zen, this is Tao.": - Brent Morton
"Who created God?": - Carl Sagan
"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo."
Interviewer: "When you left [acting school], were you giving up the expectation of being an actor?": Donald Sutherland: "No. I was giving up the expectation of being a student."
"Two months in the lab can save you two hours in the library."
"If you cut us do we not bleed? If you fuck us do we not scream?": - Bec Bec
"I am Homer of Borg. Resistance is-- mmmm, donuts ...": - Colin Smith
"The only true failed attempt is the one that isn't made.": -- Joe Cassara?
"The two most renowned products to come out of Berkeley are LSD and UNIX... I don't think this is just coincidence.": - Anonymous
"... Two most common elements in the universe: Hydrogen & Stupidity.": -- QWK
"Intel Inside: It's not a trademark, it's a warning.": -- Maxwell Daymon?
"Men want the same things from a relationship as women.....only MORE SEX!": -- T-Rex
"If it works tax it. If it dies subsidize it.": -- Alain Simon? on CAN govt
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.": -- Benjamin Franklin
"A policeman's job is only easy in a police state.": -- Orson Welles
"Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.": -- Lazarus Long
"He who will not reason, is a bigot; he who cannot is a fool; and he who dares not is a slave.": -- Sir William Drummond
"Today's agenda: Tug on Superman's cape, spit into wind, pull mask off Lone Ranger, mess with Jim.": -- Ed Dravecky III
"... USER ERROR: Replace user and press any key to continue."
"Over the modem, through the phone line, nuthin' but net!": - Christie Daniels?
"... I am McMahon of Borg. You may already have been assimilated."
"If I love you, what concern is it of yours?": -- Goethe
"If it's nae Scottish...IT'S CRRRRAP!!": -- Michael Myers, SNL
"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him walk on it.": -- Gary Larson
"Definition of a Jury: Twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.": -- Robert Frost
"... Windows NT - from the people who brought you EDLIN!": -- Tommy Hallgren(?)
"$200.00 FINE FOR LITTERING ON THE INFORMATION HIGHWAY": -- Ron Territo(?)
"I am Ohm of Borg. Resistance is voltage divided by electric current.": -- J. Kevin Wells
"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...": -- last words of General John Sedgwick (1864)
"And here are tonight's hockey scores... ZERO!! Ha ha ha!!!": -- _This Hour Has 22 Minutes_ (in 1994)
"Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...": -- Gregory Seid(?)
"Democracy: Two wolves and a sheep voting on what's for dinner.": -- unknown
"I'm not an actor, but I do play one on TV.": -- Craig S. Kaplan(?)
"Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug.": -- Dire Straits
"have you ever sent a fax, from the beach? have you ever tucked your kids into bed, from an airport? have you ever paid a $50,000 phone bill? you will. and the company to bring it to you? at & t": -- unknown
"Eye of newt, spleen of censor...": -- Bill Marcum(?)
10 PRINT "HI THERE! WHAT'S YOUR NAME?" 20 INPUT A$ 30 PRINT "FUCK YOU, "; A$ 40 GOTO 30: -- Itay Chamiel(?)
"Stay out of this, your highness. We had a revolution to get rid of people like you, you know.": -- Ruth-Ann Miller, _Northern_Exposure_
"If the bible weren't The Bible, it would be banned by the bible-thumpers.": -- Leslie Rosenblood(?)
"...self-interest groups...": -- Pat Merlihan
"I have never seen a statue of a committee.": -- unknown
"Disclaimer: This humor does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself, my company, my friends, or my cat; don't quote me on that; don't quote me on anything; Copyright (C) 1994 Joker's Wild; all rights reserved; this document is distribution copyrighted to the extent that you may distribute this posting and all its associated parts freely but you may not make a profit from it or include the posting or parts of it in commercial publications; further redistributions of this document are only allowed unedited and in its entirety via anonymous FTP, electronic transmissions, storage media, or printed copy as long as this notice is included and no monetary fee is charged; jokes subject to change without notice; jokes are slightly enlarged to show detail; resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is unintentional and coincidental; hand wash only, drip dry; do not bend, fold, mutilate, or spindle; anchovies or jalapenos added to jokes upon request; your mileage may vary; no substitutions allowed; for a limited time only; quantities are limited while supplies last; this Usenet offer is void where prohibited; humor is provided "as is" without any warranties expressed or implied; user assumes full liabilities; not liable for damages due to use or misuse; an equal opportunity joke employer; no shoes, no shirt, no jokes; caveat emptor; read at your own risk; parental advisory: explicit lyrics; text may contain material some readers may find objectionable; keep away from pets and small children; limit one-per-family please; no money down; no purchase necessary; you need not be present to win; some assembly required; batteries not included; action figures sold separately; no preservatives added; jokes may have settled during mailing; sealed for your protection, do not use if safety seal is broken; safety goggles may be required during use; call before you dig; use only with proper ventilation; for external use only; if a rash, redness, irritation, or swelling develops, discontinue use; avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool dry place; keep away from open flames; do not place jokes near flammable or magnetic source; avoid inhaling fumes or contact with mucous membranes; smoking these jokes may be hazardous to your health; the best safeguard, second only to abstinence, is the use of a good laugh; joke text is made from 100% recycled electrons and magnetic particles; no animals were used to test the hilarity of these jokes; no salt, MSG, artificial color or flavor added; if ingested, do not induce vomiting, if symptoms persist, consult a humorologist; jokes are ribbed for your pleasure; slippery when wet; must be 18 to enter; possible penalties for early withdrawal; one size fits all; joke offer valid only at participating Usenet sites; slightly higher west of the Rockies; allow four to six weeks for delivery; if defects are discovered, do not try to fix them yourself, but return to an authorized joke service center; this disclaimer does not cover tornado, flood, hurricane, lightning, earthquake, and other Acts of God, misuse, neglect, unauthorized repair, damage from improper installation, typos, misspelled words, incorrect line voltage, missing or altered signatures, sonic boom vibrations, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, customer adjustments that are not covered in the joke list, and incidents owing to motor vehicle accidents, ship sinking, airplane crash, accidental file deletions, projectiles, or dropping the item; other restrictions may apply. If something offends you, lighten up, get a life, and move on. Send all flames to yourhonor@/dev/null :-)": -- hjiwa@nor.chevron.com (Natural Korn Shellers)
"Being honest is another form of selfishness.": -- Rajan Sachdeva(?)
"...go postal..."
"The Soviet Union was bound to fall, it was on the edge of the map.": -- Kelly Bundy, on Married With Children
'Condition "BRAIN_OVERLOAD$" raised at 5412(0)/12234'
"You cannot discover new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.": -- Angela T. Jen(?)
"The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the fuck is my ROOF ?!?'": -- Curtis(?)
"Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand...": -- President's Choice Insider's Report (R), Nov. 19, 1994
"Why don't you go bungee jumping -- with a chain!": -- unknown
"No one will ever need more than 640K.": -- Bill Gates
"If privacy is outlawed, only outlaws will have privacy.": -- Philip Zimmermann
"The floggings will continue until morale improves.": -- unknown
"Are vegetarians allowed to eat animal crackers?": -- Evan Leibovitch(?)
"The Internet should be declared an independent nation, owned by no one and used by everyone."
"There is always death and taxes. However death doesn't get worse every year.": -- Robert Merritt(?)
"Never confuse knowledge with intelligence.": -- Icebreaker(?)
"A sick mind is a terrible thing to waste.": -- John Wildermuth(?)
"A Freudian slip is when you say one thing when you're thinking about a mother.": -- Cliff Clavin, Cheers
"If you can't have fun with four dozen rubber inflated hands, you just ain't tryin'!": -- Carla, Cheers
"Volvo, Video, Velcro: I came, I saw, I stuck around.": -- Geoffrey Welsh(?)

Date: Sat, 7 Jan 1995 17:27:43 -0800
From: eee@netcom.com (Mark Thorson)
Subject: Revision Level, What Does It Mean???
How should a revision level be interpreted?  Here's a quick guide for anyone
short of a clue:
0.1   WE GOT A REALLY GREAT NEW WAY TO DO THINGS  !!!
<0.9  Not ready for prime time.
0.9   We think it works, but we won't bet our lives on it.
1.0   Management is on our case;  seems like a low risk.
1.01  Okay, we knew about that.  All known bugs are fixed.
1.02  Fixes bugs you won't see in 27,000 years, i.e. more
than three times the age of the universe.
1.03  Fixes bugs in the bug fixes.
1.04  All right, this REALLY fixes all known bugs.
1.05  Fixes bugs introduced in rev 1.04.
1.1   A new crew hired to write documentation.
1.11  From now on, no comma after "i.e." or "e.g.".
1.2   Somebody actually changed a functional feature.
2.0   New crew hired to write software.  Old crew blamed for
bugs.
2.01  New crew sending out resumes to placement agencies.
3.0   Re-write the software in another language, go back
ten squares.
...  return to line 0.1

"Books burn at 451 degrees Farenheit; it's getting warm out here.": -- some guy interviewed on Across Canada
"If anyone had realized that within 10 years this tiny system that was picked up almost by accident was going to be controlling 50 million computers, considerably more thought might have gone into it.": -- Andy Tanenbaum, talking about MS-DOS
"All nouns can be verbed.": -- NHD
"Patience: A minor form of despair disguised as virtue.": -- Ambrose Bierce
"Men never do evil so completely and cheefully as when they do it from religious conviction.": -- Blaise Pascal
"Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.": -- Howard Aiken
"Dumb answers to questions : free Dumb answers to dumb questions : $10 Thoughtful answers to any questions : service unavailable at this time.": -- Budgie(?)
"My Canada includes Florida.": -- eye
"You can please some of the people all the time You can please all of the people some of the time, But you CERTAINLY can Piss them ALL OFF AT ONCE!!!": -- David(?)
"If vegetarians eat only vegetables, beware the humanitarians!": -- Bob
"Maxwell's rules of precision: 1: Measure with a micrometer 2: Mark with chalk 3: Cut with an axe"
"Having a smoking section in a resteraunt is like having a urinating and non-urinating section in a swimming pool!!!": -- NMurray
"Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion": -- Richard Burton
"An operating system without virtual memory is an operating system without virtue.": -- Ancient Inca Proverb
I am the terror, that flaps in the night! I am the net.failure that eats your e-mail. I, am, Darkw^6%#^ b~=:sY65^% NO CARRIER
"The RF-4E Phantom - Living proof that if you put a big enough engine on something...even a BRICK could fly!": -- W. Weasel
"I love you. You love me. Please don't touch me there Bar-ney.": -- Victor Solanoy(?)
"It's crowded, it's noisy, the music sucks, the food is greasy, the beer tastes like water, there's a high cover charge but the bouncers let their friends in for free, decent conversation is impossible, and you keep getting interrupted by drunken strangers shouting in your ear.": -- Prof. Prabhakar Ragde, describing Usenet News
"User-Agent: Mozilla/1.0N (Macintosh)": -- from a WWW log file
"Backwards-compatibility is crippling the computer industry in the 90's.": -- Chris Herborth(?)
"The Commodore 64 gets a lot more 'bang for the byte' than most giant, bloated computers today!": -- Keith Pomakis & Craig Bruce
"Never Trust A Skinny Chef": -- Steven Cox(?)
"Very funny Scotty, now beam me my clothes!": -- bumper sticker(?)
"When I get to heaven, God's got a *lot* to answer for.": -- Tom Garrison(?)
"Americans like to talk about (or be told about) Democracy but, when put to the test, usually find it to be an `inconvenience.'": -- Frank Zappa
"Revenge is a dish that is best served cold... I'll bide my time until.... Oh what the hell, I'll just crush him like an ant.": -- Mr. Burns plotting revenge on Homer Simpson
"You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever!": -- nmurray(?)
"My 5 1/2 year old daughter thinks Beavis and Butthead is stupid. There may be hope for the future yet!": -- Logan Van Tassell
"Books: You can't grep dead trees.": -- proverb
"This is America, dammit. Stop speaking that weird foreign language and learn to speak Spanish!": -- proverb(?)
"Art is not a mirror. Art is a hammer.": -- Bertolt Brecht
"Compiler error: Windoze=efficiency (Incompatible assignment of 'efficiency' to type MicroSoft.Product)": -- Paul Gardner-Stephen(?)
"Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?": -- Eric Praetzel(?)
"There's been so much concern about what might happen that what's actually happening has passed almost unnoticed.": -- Eric Praetzel(?)
"...one of the things that tools can do is to help bad designers create ghastly designs much more quickly than they ever could in the past.": -- Grady Booch, "Object Oriented Design"
"You can visualize a hundred cats. Beyond that, you can't. Two hundred, five hundred, it all looks the same.": -- Jack Wright, owner of 689 cats
"I'm more of a man than you will ever be, and more of a woman than you will ever get!": -- some unidentified woman
"The correct-English way of expressing the common phrase in Computer Science is 'DATUM structures'.": -- Prof. David Taylor
Q: What's the difference between a Harley Davidson and a Hoover? A: The position of the dirt bag.
"POINT-AND-DROOL INTERFACE, n. Parody of the techspeak term 'point-and-shoot interface', describing a windows, icons, and mouse-based interface such as is found on the Macintosh. The implication, of course, is that such an interface is only suitable for idiots. See {for the rest of us}, {WIMP environment}, {Macintrash}, {drool-proof paper}. Also {point-and-grunt interface}.": -- _The New Hacker's Dictionary_, E.S. Raymond (ed)
"Justo wondero, ifo you wanto sendo outo la messagio, whyo mako ito difficulto fo othero to understando?": -- Bo Peng (reacting to an Esperanto message posted to an inappropriate newsgroup)
"To err is human, to moo bovine.": -- zinger
2nd Century thoughts on MTV: "There is no public entertainment which does not inflict spiritual damage": -- Tertullian
"GREAT MOMENTS IN CHANNEL SURFING: #15 IN A SERIES When you say Budweiser, you've said... the pain reliever doctors prescribe most.": -- Greg B.
"Ironic, isn't it, Smithers? This anonymous clan of slackjawed troglodytes just cost me the election, but if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.": -- Mr. Burns, _The Simpsons_
"Did you know that IF is the middle word in life?": -- Col. Kurtz, Apocalypse Now
"AARGH Captain Kirk! I dinna know if the spell checker can take much more of this": -- Douglas Morton(?)
"Alimony: the screwing you get for the screwing you got.": -- Chris Szurgot(?)
"We the unwilling, led by the unknowing Are doing the impossible, for the ungrateful. We have done so much, for so long, with so little We are now qualified to do anything with nothing."
"Whether you believe you can, or whether you believe you can't, you're absolutely right.": -- Henry Ford
"I know things look good from the top, but decay always travels from the bottom up.": --Mr. Poster Children
"Linux: Choice of a GNU Generation!": -- John M. Morris(?)
"Whoever dies with the most toys still dies.": - No Fear
"Are you my manager or my messenger?!": -- Mike Galluchon, confronting his manager about higher-up decisions
"Near as I can tell, complaining about not getting the latest version of Windows is like complaining about not getting the latest version of influenza.": -- James Nicoll
"Fanaticism consists in redoubling your efforts when you have forgotten your aim.": -- George Santayana
"Prejudice will ultimately fail when children finally stop listening to their parents.": -- czar@freenet.edmonton.ab.ca
"The more you learn, the better your luck.": -- proverb
"A Commodore-64 is like a clitoris - It's small, pretty badly designed, not very powerful, and yet it's one of the best things you'll ever touch...": -- Anonymous at comp.sys.cbm
"Jill off all you want :-)": -- Loren Petrich (inventing a feminine form of "Jack off")
"Working in groups is difficult when you're omnipotent.": -- Q
"Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.": -- proverb
"Backups? We doan *NEED* no steenking baX%^~,VbKx NO CARRIER": -- H. Lesser
"If it ain't broke, don't fix it.": -- Ronald Reagan
"If we can't fix it, it ain't broke!": -- US Army Engineer Corps
"Did you know a super computer can complete an infinite loop in under 10 minutes?": -- unknown
"It has been discovered that C++ provides a remarkable facility for concealing the trival details of a program - such as where its bugs are.": -- David Keppel
"The history of liberty is a history of the limitation of governmental power, not the increase of it.": -- Woodrow Wilson, 1912
"All games contain the idea of death.": -- Jim Morrison
"Top 10 things 95 in Windows 95 stands for: #7: The number of MHz the processor requires to run it.": -- unknown
"In an intellectually equal society, who will be the busboys?": -- Lenny Bruce
"I am personally saddened even more by the use to which the incredible power of today's $2000 computer has been put. It is 100 times as powerful as the old Apple II but it doesn't get the work done any faster!": -- Harvey Brown

High Tech Computer Sales Jargon

NEW: Different color from previous design
ALL NEW: Parts not interchangable with previous design
EXCLUSIVE: Imported product
UNMATCHED: Almost as good as the competition
DESIGNED SIMPLICITY: Manufacturer's cost cut to the bone
FOOLPROOF OPERATION: No provision for adjustments
ADVANCED DESIGN: The advertising agency doesn't understand it
IT'S HERE AT LAST!: Rush job; Nobody knew it was coming
FIELD-TESTED: Manufacturer lacks test equipment
HIGH ACCURACY: Unit on which all parts fit
DIRECT SALES ONLY: Factory had big argument with distributor
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT: We finally got one that works
REVOLUTIONARY: It's different from our competitiors
BREAKTHROUGH: We finally figured out a way to sell it
FUTURISTIC: No other reason why it looks the way it does
DISTINCTIVE: A different shape and color than the others
MAINTENANCE-FREE: Impossible to fix
RE-DESIGNED: Previous faults corrected, we hope...
HAND-CRAFTED: Assembly machines operated without gloves on
PERFORMANCE PROVEN: Will operate through the warranty period
MEETS ALL STANDARDS: Ours, not yours
ALL SOLID-STATE: Heavy as Hell!
BROADCAST QUALITY: Gives a picture and produces noise
HIGH RELIABILITY: We made it work long enough to ship it
SMPTE BUS COMPATABILE: When completed, will be shipped by Greyhound
NEW GENERATION: Old design failed, maybe this one will work
MIL-SPEC COMPONENTS: We got a good deal at a government auction
CUSTOMER SERVICE ACROSS THE COUNTRY: You can return it from most airports
UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE: Nothing we ever had before worked THIS way
BUILT TO PRECISION TOLERANCES: We finally got it to fit together
SATISFACTION GUARANTEED: Manufacturer's, upon cashing your check
MICROPROCESSOR CONTROLLED: Does things we can't explain
LATEST AREOSPACE TECHNOLOGY: One of our techs was laid off by Boeing

-- Richard Lee Holbert

SCULLY: Mulder, toads just fell from the sky! MULDER: Guess their parachutes didn't open.
"God is Perfect Man is not Man made Liquor God made Pot"
"Precision always exceeds accuracy.": -- unknown law
"Netscape seems to follow 'KISS' much of the time, with the emphasis on the final S.": -- Tom Rathborne
"I hope you remember that users are malicious idiots.": -- Gord Cormack, Real-time Programming Professor
"Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of .5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.": -- Stan Kelly-Bootle
"CRTC: Canadian Roadblock to Telecommunications Competition": -- Joseph Bou-Younes
"Old BELL Slogan: Working to EARN your business! New BELL Slogan: Working to BURN your business!": -- Bernie Brocklehurst
"You won't see very clearly when you're generating more heat than light.": -- unknown
"When a nation's young men are conservative, its funeral bell is already rung.": -- Henry Ward Beecher
"Be proud of your shyness! Whisper it out loud to the world!"
"How many times do you have to be told to take your medications BEFORE posting to usenet??": -- Dawn Hammond, insulting another poster
"We're not here to be happy -- We're here to ruin ourselves, to break our hearts, to love the wrong people, and to die.": -- thom95
"The genius of the human brain isn't in what it remembers... it's in what it forgets.": -- some Discovery Channel program
"When the Lord closes a door, somewhere he opens a window.": -- Julie Andrews, The Sound Of Music (?)
"Hype springs eternal.": -- Fisher
"Playing chicken on donorcycles? Natural selection really is dead.": -- Jerry Kuch
"Born to be mild.": -- 30something
"The best solution to a problem is usually the simplest and the last to be found."
"Never play leapfrog with a rhinoceros.": -- W & S
"I don't mind shootin', as long as the right people get shot.": -- "Dirty Harry" Callahan
"If you persisted in this 'eye-for-an-eye, tooth-for-a-tooth' business, then everyone would end up walking around eyeless and toothless." "No, not everyone, just the bad guys.": -- Babylon 5
Euphemism: 'I'm not ready for a relationship right now.': English: 'I'm not ready for a relationship _WITH YOU_, _EVER_!'
Euphemism: 'You're such a nice guy.': English: 'You're no one that I would ever want to date.'
Euphemism: 'Can we still be friends?': English: 'If I never see you again in my life, it'll be too soon!'
"Just about any change to the status quo threatens someone.": -- Prabhakar Ragde
When the existence of the Church is threatened, she is released from the commandments of morality. With unity as the end, the use of every means is sanctified, even cunning, treachery, violence, simony, prison, death. For all order is for the sake of the community, and the individual must be sacrificed to the common good.: -- Dietrich von Nieheim, Bishop of Verden,
De schismate libri III, A.D. 1411
"If CompuServe tries to impose community standards that are the lowest common denominator of the 147 countries in which it does business, it won't be the Information SuperHighway, it'll be Sesame Street.": -- Prof. Jeffrey Shallit
----====### legal notice ###====---------------------------------------- Microsoft(tm) Network is prohibited from redistributing this work in any form, either in whole or in part. License to distribute this posting is available to Microsoft(tm) for (US)$999.99. Posting without prior permission constitutes an agreement to these terms. Site license is available for (US)$99,999,999,999.99
"Committee, n.: A group of people that, when given the task of deciding whether to start array indices from either 0 or 1, compromises to declare that they are to start from 0.5.": -- Stan Kelly-Bootle
"No taxation without misrepresentation!": -- Sarah Mahailovich(?)
"I would defend the liberty of consenting adult creationists to practice whatever intellectual perversions they like in the privacy of their own homes; but it is also necessary to protect the young and innocent.": -- Arthur C. Clarke
"When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.": -- Arthur C. Clarke
"I do not feel obliged to believe that same God who endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect had intended for us to forgo their use.": -- Galileo Galilei (1564--1642)
"A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.": -- William James (1842--1910)
"Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.": -- Samuel Johnson (1709--1784)
"The purpose of a university is to make students safe for ideas -- not ideas safe for students.": -- Clark Kerr (1911--)
"Freedom of the press is guaranteed only to those who own one.": -- A. J. Liebling
"Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives.": -- John Stuart Mill (1806--1873)
"The left-hand side = blah. The right-hand side = blah. Therefore, blah = blah.": -- Michael Best, Math professor
"Many people don't believe in God, do believe in the eventual heat death of the universe, yet despite that they continue to live and act as if their lives actually meant something.": -- Ray Butterworth(?)
"Culture so rich it is replaced every three days...": -- Adrian Pepper, describing Usenet culture
"My friend thinks she is talking to me because she wants the homework answers." "Friends are often more jealous than useful in these situations!": -- Alaric B. Williams
"The first point and click interface - Smith & Wesson"
"The future's already arrived - it's just not evenly distributed yet.": -- William Gibson
"A great idea needs landing gear, not just wings."
"Sometimes I wonder if we're living in the same land / Why you wanna be my friend when I / Feel like a juggler running / Out of hands"
"What, and ruin a perfect .0000 record?": -- tim
"expect nothing and you'll never be disappointed"
"The Earth is degenerating today. Bribery and corruption abound. Children no longer obey their parents, every man wants to write a book, and it is evident that the end of the world is fast approaching.": -- Assyrian tablet, c. 2800 BC
"Guys, remember this: Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand!"
"Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage."
"I can't talk now, Captain; I have an appointment with eternity and I don't want to be late.": -- Dr. Soren, _Star Trek: Generations_
"Everything is proceeding as I have forseen.": -- Emperor Palpatine, RETURN OF THE JEDI
"Half of the results of a good intention are evil; half the results of an evil intention are good.": -- Sam Clemmons
"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.": -- Norman Cousins
"Nothing is so smiple that it can't get screwed up."
"The higher you soar the smaller you look to those who cannot fly."
"C code. C code run. Run, code, run ..... PLEASE!!!!": -- Jennifer Pick(?)
"If you want something bad enough, you will get it. When you get it, you may wonder why you wanted it.": -- Andreas Tovornik(?)
"A wise man speaks because he has something to say, a fool because he has to say something.": -- Plato
"A friend is a present you give to yourself": -- Don Leed(?)
"When money talks, the criminal walks.": -- legal-system proverb
"Q: What's the difference between a new wife and a new job? A: In six months, your job still sucks.": -- proverb
"When you flame gold, you only burn away the impurities.": -- P. K.
"The Internet, of course, is more than just a place to find pictures of people having sex with dogs.": -- Time Magazine, 3/7/95
"Don't worry, son. I have it on very good authority that this isn't happening.": -- a senior fighter aircraft pilot to his copilot going into an unofficial battle
"What, me hurry?": -- Marshall Posner(?)
"Somewhere out there, right now, someone is implementing a queueing mechanism -- and getting it wrong!": -- unknown
"We are all INFOHOLICS :-)": -- Pontus Berg
"Fuck the Telecommuncations Decency Act": -- Hakan Svensson(?)
"Top 10 things 95 in Windows 95 stands for: #8: The percentage of old programs that won't work.": -- Hakan Svensson(?)
"Hukt on foniks whurkd phor mee.": -- zinger
"I feel the need... the need for gratuitous velocity!": -- The Brain
"Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 91...2.": -- Chief Wiggum
"You can't unscramble scrambled eggs": -- Gershwin

Of course, international rules must apply:

No references to any posting more than a month old.
At least one unsubstantiated anecdote per posting.
At least one previous posting quoted out of context.
No more than three posters per thread.
No citations.
Frequent unscheduled appearances on stage, abusive ad-libs, and cries of "What's all this, then?"
There is no rule 7

-- Prof. Prabhakar Ragde, spelling out the rules of Usenet postings

"It comes from using Netscape. When a program is easy enough for a drooling idiot to use, a drooling idiot will use it. And fuck up.": -- Dave Brown
"Just because I don't care doesn't meant I don't understand.": - H.J.S.
"Genius, n.: An unique perspective.": -- Carl Killen, English teacher
"AmigaOS, 1985: True Multitasking and a 32-bit OS with 256kB RAM = fast & stable. PC with Windoze95, 1996: Psuedo Multitasking, 16/32-bit OS with 8MB RAM = slow & unstable.": -- David C. Evola(?)
Luke: "I... I don't believe it.": Yoda: "That.. is why you failed."
"Local optimization does not necessarily imply global optimization.": -- Prof. L.F. Johnson, UNB
"Nothing resolves design issues like an implementation.": -- Prof. J.D. Horton, UNB
"Friendship: Oh the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are -- chaff and grain together -- certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with the breath of kindness blow the rest away...": -- Dinah Mulock
"Can miles truly separate us from friends? If we want to be with someone we love, aren't we already there?": -- Richard Bach
"A friend hears the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails.": -- Reader's Digest
"I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.": -- zinger
"Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I": -- zinger
"You'll see it when you believe it.": -- zinger
"Dogs believe they are humans. Cats believe they are God.": -- zinger
"When our outgo exceeds our income, our upkeep becomes our downfall.": -- zinger
"Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.": -- Emo Phillips
"Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will see a man who can't get his pants off!": -- zinger
"THINK -- it gives you something to do while the computer is down.": -- zinger
"Your imagination is your preview of life's coming attractions.": -- Albert Einstein
"Velveta cheese has so many preservatives that it doesn't have a shelf life... it has a half life!": -- zinger
"It's wrong to get so involved in making a living you forget to make a life.": -- Jim Rohm
"He who laughs last thinks Slowest!": -- zinger
"Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!": -- zinger
"Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.": -- zinger
"I put the 'fun' in dysfunctional.": -- zinger
"A job worth doing is worth complaining about.": -- Cathy
"Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.": -- zinger
"I have not yet begun to procrastinate.": -- zinger
"I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.": -- zinger
"The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.": -- zinger
"If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part of the problem.": -- zinger
"A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.": -- zinger
"Make failure your teacher, not your undertaker.": -- zinger
"Some people dream of success, others stay up and make it happen.": -- unknown
"If you feel defeated, you are.": -- David Morrill
"Anyone who thinks that education is expensive should consider the costs of ignorance.": -- Lee Dickey(?)
"I'm not here right now. I've gone to go look for myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait.": -- unknown
"Let's compromise and do it my way!"
"A woman marries a man hoping that he will change. A man marries a woman hoping that she won't.": -- proverb
"It's not whether you win or lose, it's how gooooood you look.": -- David Lee Roth
"Of course it's unreadable! Why do you think it's called code???": -- unknown
"Repartee: What a person thinks of after he becomes a departee.": -- unknown
"Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.": -- Joseph Heller
"Rise above principle and do what's right.": -- Joseph Heller
"The most important things in life aren't things.": -- unknown
"99 packets of bits on the net 99 packets of bits Take one down, short it to ground 98 packets of bits on the net..."
Luke: "I'm not afraid.": Yoda: "You will be... Yooou _will_ be."
"It's a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.": -- Albert Einstein
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.": -- Oscar Wilde.
"A man in a relationship trades intimacy to get sex. A woman in a relationship trades sex to get intimacy.": -- proverb
"A true friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away, a true friend is someone you can use again and again and....."
"The greatest power is often simple patience.": -- E. Joseph Cossman
"We are all travellers in the wilderness of this world, and the best that we find in our travels is an honest friend.": -- Robert Louis Stevenson
"Top 5 things a relationship cannot endure without: 5. Laughter 4. Understanding 3. Passion 2. Honesty 1. Respect": -- Aveina Seegolam(?)
"Information is not knowledge. Knowledge is not wisdom. Wisdom is not truth. Truth is not beauty. Beauty is not love. Love is not music. Music is the best.": -- Frank Zappa
"The lack of planning on your part, does not constitute an emergency on mine.": -- zinger
"Sacred cows make the best hamburger.": -- zinger
"Speed kills. Switch to Windows95 and save lives!": -- zinger
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.": -- Thomas Watson, Chairman of IBM, 1943
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.": -- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year.": -- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
"But what ... is it good for?": -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.": -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

10 Rules for Being Human

You will recieve a body. You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.
You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time school called, "Life". Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think of them as irrelevant or stupid.
There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately "works".
A lesson is repeated until it is learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.
Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not contain lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.
"There" is no better than "here". When your "here" has become "there" that will again, look better than "here". (When you get close to the green grass across the fence, there will be a lot of brown on it).
Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects something you love or hate about yourself.
What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources that you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.
Your answers lie inside you. The answers to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
You will forget all of this.

(Found on a refrigerator door.)

Mom: "If all your friends jumped off a cliff, would you follow them?" Me: "Yes. I'd be so depressed about all my friends being dead that I'd probably want to kill myself.": -- Luise Bacher
"I've stopped to smell the roses, but realized there's no one around to give me the roses.": -- loislane@telepath.com
"There's a girl out there for you, Mike. She's with another guy, but she's out there.": -- The Matt Frewer Show(?)
"The answer is 'yes' or 'no', depending on the interpretation.": -- Albert Einstein, in Scientific American, April 1950
"Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love": -- Albert Einstein
"Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age 18.": -- Albert Einstein
"The most beautiful thing we can have is the mysterious.": -- Albert Einstein, in Living Philosophies, 1931
"Nationalism is an infantile sickness. It is the measles of the human race.": -- Albert Einstein
"The most incomprehensible thing about the universe is that it is comprehensible.": -- Albert Einstein
"Politics is a pendulum whose swings between anarchy and tyranny are fueled by perpetually rejuvenated illusions.": -- Albert Einstein
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.": -- Albert Einstein
"For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex ... uh... setbacks.": -- George Bush
"My fellow Americans, I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.": -- Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on
"Bite the wax tadpole.": -- Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese
"It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant.": -- Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad
"There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?": -- Dick Cavett
"Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.": -- Aldous Huxley
"Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.": -- Will Rogers
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.": -- George Bernard Shaw
"Just remember--when you think all is lost, the future remains.": -- Robert Goddard
"Interdigitation, n.: The act of holding hands. These days, both the word and the act are endangered and fun. Try it. Ask your date to INTERDIGITATE with you. Did you get your face slapped? You said it right!": -- Archive of Endangered, Special, or Fun Words
"Pogonophobia: n.: The fear of beards.": -- Archive of Endangered, Special, or Fun Words
"Sciolist, n.: One who pretends to know all, a blow-hard, who actually knows little or nothing. See also: occasional coworkers, Dilbert inspirations, etc.": -- Archive of Endangered, Special, or Fun Words
"Modern computing, the only place where a No Win situation can be a good thing.": -- (not "the") Stephen King(?)
"As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell": -- Ralph Mason(?)
"Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge.": -- Dogbert
"Communism is the most painful path between Capitalism and Capitalism.": -- Dogbert
"An optimist is simply a pessimist with no job experience.": -- Dogbert
"Did you know that 42% of statistics are made up on the spot?": -- Geoffrey Brent(?)
"Scale: 1/45th": -- Seen on the box for a plastic model UFO
"I have always been sickened by violence. That we continually inflict pain and suffering on each other puzzles me. That we do it in the names of our Gods is even more bizarre. Our progress as a species remains mostly technological; this angers me and makes me want to kill somebody.": -- Ian Thomas
"Go with what you feel. That's the first step in overcoming shyness, by the way - listening and acting on your own feelings.": -- David Stein
"The problem with the future is that it takes so long to show up.": -- Yogi Berra
"Go as far as you can see; when you get there you'll be able to see farther.": -- Thomas Carlyle
"With all due respect, Sir, I believe this is going to be our finest hour.": -- Gene Kranz, Director of Flight Operations, _Apollo 13_
"And that's the way things are: If you don't do anything, nothing happens.": -- joel
"All we are are monkeys with car keys.": -- Northern Exposure
"The best conversationalist is a really good listener.": -- proverb
"A mind cannot really grow very much by only accumulating more and more new knowledge. It must also develop new and better ways to use what it already knows.": -- Marvin Minsky
"There is nothing noble in being superior to another. True nobility arises from being superior to one's past self.": -- unknown
"Make as many mistakes as you can, then learn from them.": -- Bill Mullen
"Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.": -- Gerry Brooks
"A bend in the road isn't the end of the road unless you fail to make the turn.": -- Successories
"Baroque -- not having enough Monet...": -- zinger
"The only evidence against evolution are its opponents.": -- zinger
"No amount of darkness can put out the light of a single candle.": -- Faith(?)
"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.": -- Funny Answers to Science Test Questions
"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.": -- Funny Answers to Science Test Questions
"Have you ever commented: 'If I drive fast enough at the red light, it'll appear green.'": -- from the Nerdity Test
"In cyberspace, everyone can hear you scream": -- unknown
"An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.": -- unknown
"Dilbert's name for assigning employees to initiatives to try to improve product quality by eating up productive hours, lower morale, and have no impact on profitability: 'QUALICIDE'.": -- Scott Adams
"I am not a perfectionist! (My parents were!)": -- T-shirt
"In the delirium of high concept, it doesn't pay to rain on the parade--no, not even if flowers might afterward grow.": -- Roger Ebert (sarcastically)
"It's not what you're doing, it's who you're with.": -- Luise Bacher
"Hi, and welcome to my humble commode!": -- Beakman
"If you have tried your hand at something and failed, the next best thing is to try your head.": -- Anonymous
"Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat.": -- unknown
"There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.": -- Mark Twain
"The best feature of C is portability, while the worst feature of C is its lack of portability.": -- Unknown
"When all is said and done, usually more is said than done.": -- unknown
"Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.": -- unknown
"Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them?": -- Jules Feiffer
"I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.": -- zinger
"Improve the postal system -- mail their pay checks!": -- zinger
"Me a skeptic?! I hope you have proof.": -- zinger
"Behind every great woman -- is her butt.": -- zinger
"Don't hate yourself in the morning, sleep til noon.": -- zinger
"I am having an out of money experience.": -- zinger
"I plan on living forever. So far, so good.": -- zinger
"If I wanted to listen to an asshole I woulda farted.": -- zinger
"Friends -- the people who stab ya in the front.": -- zinger
"It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.": -- zinger
"It pays to remember your social obligations. If you don't go to other people's funerals, they won't go to yours.": -- zinger
"A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience.": -- Doug Larson
"gradual student": -- Scott Adams(?)
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again.": -- George Miller
"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.": -- Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson)
"What if there were no hypothetical situations?": -- RAH
"Men are most apt to believe what they least understand.": -- RAH
"If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.": -- RAH
"A fate worse than death: to be married alive.": -- RAH
"The weather is here, wish you were beautiful.": -- RAH
"We must believe in free will. We have no choice.": -- RAH
"If I buy the steel wool, can you knit me a Porsche?": -- RAH
"Take time to smell the roses and eventually you'll inhale a bee.": -- RAH
"Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.": -- RAH
"Do you like me for my brain or my baud?": -- RAH
"If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0": -- RAH
"Millihelen: amount of beauty required to launch one ship.": -- RAH
"Junk: Something you need the day after you throw it away...": -- RAH
"An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.": -- RAH
"Never trust a skinny cook.": -- RAH
"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?": -- RAH
"If only women came with pull-down menus and online help.": -- RAH
"Even when a man does figure women out... he still can't believe it!": -- unknown
"If thine enemy offend thee, give his child a drum.": -- RAH
"Is there a lawyer is the house? -=}BLAM{=- Any more?": -- RAH
"I think, therefore I am overqualified.": -- RAH
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.": -- RAH
"The official Canadian DOS prompt..........EH:\>": -- RAH
"Pun: the lowest form of humor, unless you thought of it first.": -- RAH
"Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage.": -- RAH
"Instead of being born again, why not just grow up?": -- RAH
"Experience is the comb life gives you after you're bald.": -- RAH
"Money talks - mine says goodbye!": -- RAH
"Marriage: A sentence, not a word...": -- RAH
"A career is a job that takes about 20 more hours a week.": -- RAH
"29A, the hexadecimal of the Beast.": -- RAH
"The 'Morning After' pill for men - it changes your blood type.": -- RAH
"The buck doesn't even slow down here.": -- RAH
"If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?": -- unknown
"Said by a professor to his class on assembly and OS programming: 'Fail this course and you'll be sent to the COBOL mines!'": -- unknown
"Why pay your therapist $90.00 an hour when you can lie to your friends for free?": -- unknown
Fast Fact: To dry one load of laundry costs about $1.00 (in Ontario, Canada).
Fast Fact: To keep a 200W computer running all month long costs about $17.00 (in Ontario, Canada).
"Planting a seed doesn't make it grow.": -- Sass Jordan
"You lose 100% of the shots you don't take.": -- Wayne Gretsky
"Maturity is switching from passive voice to active voice": -- P. Alder
"... ccoommiitteess (aside: don't you think committee looks cooler and is easier to write if we just double every letter and be done with it?).": -- Alex Lopez-Ortiz
"If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we couldn't.": -- unknown
"People are not lazy. They simply have impotent goals -- that is, goals that do not inspire them.": -- Anthony Robbins
"Words are the most powerful drug used by mankind.": -- Rudyard Kipling
"There is no expedient to which a man will not go to avoid the real labour of thinking.": -- Thomas Edison
"Everything you read in the newspaper is absolutely true, except for the rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge.": -- unknown
"Today is the first day of the rest of your life -- Not exactly beginning with a bang, is it?": -- Maxine
"It takes more muscles to frown than to make a quick left jab.": -- Maxine
"A friend in need is a friend I can do without.": -- Maxine
"Don't count your chickens. And don't blame my cat. He has an airtight alibi.": -- Maxine
"Why do bad things happen to good people? Because they get in my way.": -- Maxine
"It's not easy to rid an old dog of new ticks.": -- Maxine
"There's no fool like an old fool, but the young ones are coming right along.": -- Maxine
"Why don't psychics ever win the lottery?": -- unknown
"In every revolution, there's one man with a vision.": -- Captain Kirk, "Mirror, Mirror," stardate unknown
"Violence in reality is quite different from theory.": -- Spock, "The Cloud Minders," stardate 5818.4
"Scotsmen wear kilts because sheep can hear zippers...": -- unknown
"Q: What part of a man gets bigger the more you stroke it? A: His ego, of course.": -- unknown

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