While working with Mr. Xxxxxx, I have always found him
working studiously and sincerely at his table without idling or
gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom
wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always
finishes the given assignment in time. He is always
deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be
found chitchatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound
knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be
classed as outstanding, and should on no account be
dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Xxxxxx should be
pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to administration be
sent away as soon as possible.Sd/-
Branch Manager
A second note following the report:
XXXXXX WAS PRESENT WHEN I WAS WRITING THE REPORT MAILED TO YOU TODAY. KINDLY READ ONLY THE ALTERNATIVE LINES 1,3,5,7,... FOR MY TRUE ASSESSMENT OF HIM.
REGARDS,
Sd/-
Branch Manager
What is a problem is not knowing exactly what people are doing during their unproductive time.
I've attached a sheet specifying a tentative extended job list based on my observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please distribute this as necessary, and let me know about any difficulties.
For your timesheets:
This was sent to me in a more disorganized format. I reworked it and
organized it.
Carl Schelin
carl.schelin@hq.nasa.gov
---------------------------- ---------------------------
Drug dealers Software developers
---------------------------- ---------------------------
Refer to their clients Refer to their clients
as "users". as "users".
"The first one's free!" "Download a free trial version..."
Have important South-East Have important South-East
Asian connections Asian connections
(to help move the stuff). (to help debug the code).
Strange jargon: Strange jargon:
"Stick," "Rock," "SCSI," "RTFM,"
"Dime bag," "E". "Java," "ISDN".
Realize that there's Realize that there's
tons of cash in the tons of cash in the
14- to 25-year-old 14- to 25-year-old
market. market.
Job is assisted by the Job is assisted by
industry's producing industry's producing
newer, more potent mixes. newer, faster machines.
Often seen in the company Often seen in the company of
of pimps and hustlers. marketing people and venture
capitalists.
Their product causes DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D;
unhealthy addictions. 'Nuff said.
Do your job well, and Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!
you can sleep with
sexy movie stars who
depend on you.
After a few minutes silence from the shocked audience, and orchestra too, he was greeted with boos and hisses. He walked from the stage, only to be met by his manager, standing in between two gorilla-sized bodyguards. "Oh no you don't", his manager said, "you're not retiring."
Forced backed to work by his manager, he endured week after week of conducting he no longer wanted to do. While lying in bed one night with his wife of many years, he turned to her and said "Dear, would you be able to get me a small hand-gun?" "Yes dear", she said, and he rolled over and went to sleep.
Sure enough, at his next performance, the conductor began with the small hand-gun concealed in the his jacket. Once the concert had finished, he turned to the audience and said "I'm announcing my retirement for the second time. This is my last performance."
The tuba player from the orchestra stood up and shouted "You can't be serious!", and the conductor whipped out his hand-gun and shot the tuba player dead. It wasn't long before the police arrived and the conductor was taken away.
Days later, the conductor was taken to court. "How do you plead to the charge of first-degree murder?", the judge inquired. "Guilty your honour", the conductor replied. "Do you realise that the sentence for first degree murder in this state is death by electrocution?",the judge added. The conductor thought for a moment, but came to the conclusion that death would surely be better than continuing on like he was. "Yes your honour", the conductor said.
While being strapped into the electric chair, one of the guards came to the conductor and said "You may have one last request before we terminate your life. What would you like?" After pondering for a few seconds,the conductor replied "A silver platter with a dozen bananas." His request was granted, and the conductor scoffed the bananas. The room was emptied, and the switch was flicked. The conductor's hair stood on end, but he survived! As one guard was about to the flick the switch again, he was stopped. "He survived the chair and the law says we have to let him go."
The conductor left the building, only to be greeted by his manager and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards. "Back to work", his manager said. More weeks of forced conducting went by. Lying in bed again one night with wife, he asked "Dear, could you get me a grenade?" "Yes dear", she replied.
At his next performance, the conductor waited until the end of the concert, the grenade tucked neatly in his undies. "For the third time, I'm announcing my retirement!", he yelled. The conductor took out the grenade,pulled the pin,and threw it into the audience.The grenade exploded, killing 23 members of the crowd.The police arrived, and he was taken away again.
"You again?",the judge asked,"I thought I'd sentenced you to death not long ago?" The conductor shrugged.
"Ok,how do you plead to 23 counts of first degree murder?", the judge said.
"Guilty to all counts", the conductor replied.
While the settings were changed to triple the voltage of the current going to the chair, the conductor was granted another last reuqest. "A silver platter with 2 dozen bananas" was his answer. He scoffed the bananas the room was evacuated and the switch was flicked. It appeared that they'd manage to kill him this time,but their fears were realised when the conductor regained consciousness as they were about to remove his body. His manager and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards were waiting for him and he left the building. "Back to work."
The weeks dragged on, and the conductor had all that he could take. "Dear, could you get me a missile launcher?", he asked his wife as they lay in bed. "Yes dear", she replied.
It was all too much for the conductor, and he didn't even wait for the concert to start. "Damn you all!" he screamed, and launched a missile into the New York Symphony Orchestra, killing all 190 odd band members.The army was called in this time, and he was dragged away.
"Jesus Christ, you again!?! You're supposed to be DEAD!", the judge roared. The conductor just shrugged.
"May I ask how you plead for 190 counts of first degree murder?"
"Guilty as sin!", the conductor screamed, "the ****** deserved it!" The conductor was hauled away.
A public announcement was issued to all local residents warning that there would be a short cut in the power. Meanwhile, the cities' electrical engineers were busy re-routing all the electricity they could into the electric chair. Once again, the conductor was granted a last request.
"Three dozen bananas on a silver platter", he said.
He scoffed the bananas, the building was completely vacated, and the electric chair was activated by remote control, some 2 kilometres away.
The building exploded, reducing it to rubble. They fished through the ruins to find the conductor's ruined body.
His funeral was held some days later and as the casket was being lowered into the grave there was a knock on the coffin lid.
Women fainted as the conductor crawled out of coffin - alive!
He was taken to a large press conference. One reporter stood up and asked "You've survived three visits to the electric chair. How did you do it?"
"I've tried telling people before", he said. "I'm just a bad conductor."
The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.
The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.
The computer scientist says "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"
"I'm a doctor", she said. "I don't have the time to hang around in a queue".
"You're in heaven now", came the reply. "We're all the same over here, so you'll just have to go to the back of the queue and await your turn."
A few weeks later, the same lady was waiting in the lunch queue when a man wearing scrubs, carrying a crash bleep, and with a stethoscope around the back of his neck came running in and went straight to the front. Nobody uttered a word.
Rather put out by this, the lady whispered: "Who in heaven's name was that? I'm a doctor and nobody would let me go to the front of the queue!"
"That's God", came the reply. "He likes to play doctor once in a while."