Politics Humour #1

Quick Reference

• The Gingrich that Stole Congress
• Clinton Deploys Vowels to Bosnia
• Politics and Cows
• Revisionist Humour
• Noah's Ark

The Gingrich that Stole Congress

Every Rep down in Congress liked Clinton somewhat,
Except for the Gingrinch, who simply did NOT!

He hated Bill Clinton! He hated his wife!
He vowed to torment them the rest of his life!

The Ging hated anyone left of the Huns,
He hated the wusses who didn't like guns.
He hated the teachers who wouldn't lead prayers,

He hated the people who'd tax millionaires!
He hated "McGoverniks" whining 'bout rights,
Like equal protection for gays and nonwhites.

He hated the folks who said "Nicotine kills"
And vowed he would pass more pro-nicotine bills.
He hated the folks who said "Women need choice"
And vowed to give middle-aged males more voice.
But he hated the people on welfare much more;
He hated the way they were POOR POOR POOR!

He hated the way they had no jobs at all!
This struck him as heaploads of GALL GALL GALL!
They also lacked training and day care. So what?
The Gingrinch announced he'd come up with a plot:
"Get off of Welfare! Get off today!
Or we will take all of your children AWAY!"

Now, no one knew what made the Ging such a meanie:
It could be because he was built like a weenie.
It could be because he had Donahue hair,
Or maybe because not much lurked under there.
But probably what most explained the man's life
Was the fact he abandoned his children and wife.

Yes, 'way down in Georgia, his wife lay near dead
Sickened with cancer, in hospital bed.
He crept in to see her (they let him, of course)
And whispered, quite sweetly, "I want a divorce!"
He whipped out his pencil with something like zeal
And got down to work on his alimony deal!
And while she was whimp'ring he said, "By the way,
I'm leaving for somebody younger - hooray!"

The Gingrinch's heart shrank two sizes that night.
And that could be what makes him so Christian Right.

Now, the night before Congress the Ging hatched his plans:
From now on he'd speak for, quote, "Normal Americans."
Tax-slashers! That's what those "Normal" folks love!
He'd take to the skies and dismantle the gov!

He jumped out of bed and he summoned his pet:
A doberman pinscher who once killed a vet.
George was his name (as in Wallace, not Bush);
"Boy," said the Gingrinch, "We're gonna whip tush!"

They flew to a soup kitchen, filled with sad "bums,"
Snatched up the kettle and stole all the crumbs.
They flew to a basketball game late at night
And shooed the kids out, to the dealers' delight.

They unplugged mass transit and cried "Buy a car!"
Then chopped down a forest and chomped a cigar.
What bliss! What fun! What downright glee!
What joy! What yuks! What great TV!

The next day the Gingrinch sat high above view
And looked down on Congress (as many folks do).
He wanted to relish the joy and the cheer
Of folks waking up to their first tax-free year.

He waited and waited and waited some more;

He waited to hear them cry "Newt! Take the floor!"
He waited for kudos and champagne free-flowing,
He waited for trumpets on high to start blowing.
But instead of rejoicing and hoopla, etcet,
He heard a strange rumble that made his palms sweat.

The people weren't happy, not happy at all!
They ringed 'round the Statehouse! They filled up the hall!
They groused and they grumbled and cried, "We're real mad!
We want all those costly old programs we had!
Give back our givebacks! Give back our pork!
Give back the stuff you walked off with, you dork!"

And the Gingrinch sat simply quite stunned at the sight
Of Normal Americans, not left and not right.

They wanted clean air and they wanted green trees,
They wanted-full coverage for medical fees,
They wanted nice schools and streets safe to play,
They wanted it all - they just didn't want to pay!

And when the truth hit him, the Ging grinned a grin,
He laughed and he laughed till the tears ran down his chin.
The Clintons climbed up to the Dome, laughing too.
"Hee hee hee," Bill and Hill laughed, "Hoo hoo hoo!"
They laughed with the cheer that comes from within,
They laughed with the knowledge: You just cannot win.

The Gingrinch and Clintons now shared the same plight
Whatever they'd do, they could not do it right.
"Folks hate you," said Bill, "once you land in D.C.
But I've got a plan: Let us bond, you and me.
We'll work as a team, yes! That's my advice!
We'll listen and nod and make NICE NICE NICE!"
The Prez put his hand out, they hugged on the ledge...

And then that old Gingrinch pushed Bill off the edge.

CLINTON DEPLOYS VOWELS TO BOSNIA

Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients

Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A,E,I,O and U, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian names more pronounceable.

"For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world," Clinton said. "Today, the United States must finally stand up and say 'Enough.' It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in their incomprehensible words. The US is proud to lead the crusade in this noble endeavor."

The deployment, dubbed Operation Vowel Storm by the State Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients. Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of "E's," will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities.

Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels. "My God, I do not think we can last another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said. "I have six children and none of them has a name that is understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr. Clinton, please send my poor, wretched family just one 'E.' Please."

Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few key letters, I could be George Humphries. This is my dream."

If the initial airlift is successful, Clinton said the United States will go ahead with full-scale vowel deployment, with C-130's airdropping thousands more letters over every area of Bosnia. Other nations are expected to pitch in as well, including 10,000 British "A's" and 6,500 Canadian "U's." Japan, rich in A's and O's, was asked to participate, but declined.

"With these valuable letters, the people of war-ravaged Bosnia will be able to make some terrific new words," Clinton said. "It should be very exciting for them, and much easier for us to read their maps."

Linguists praise the US's decision to send the vowels. For decades they have struggled with the hard consonants and difficult pronunciation of most Slavic words. "Vowels are crucial to construction of all language," Baylor University linguist Noam Frankel said. "Without them, it would be difficult to utter a single word, much less organize a coherent sentence. Please, just don't get me started on the moon-man languages they use in those Eastern European countries."

According to Frankel, once the Bosnians have vowels, they will be able to construct such valuable sentences as: "The potatoes are ready"; "I believe it will rain"; and "All my children are dead from the war" [And "Oh my God, there's an axe in my head." ?]

The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, lifegiving supplies of L's, S's and T's. The consonant-relief effort failed, however, when vast quantities of the letters were intercepted and hoarded by violent, gun-toting warlords.

Cows and Politics

FEUDALISM:

You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM:

You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM:

You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM:

You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM:

You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM:

You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

DICTATORSHIP:

You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY:

You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

MILITARIANISM:

You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY:

You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY:

You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY:

The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

BRITISH DEMOCRACY:

You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

BUREAUCRACY:

You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

ANARCHY:

You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

CAPITALISM:

You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM:

You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly - listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother - in - - law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shui is bad.

ENVIRONMENTALISM:

You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

FEMINISM:

You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

TOTALITARIANISM:

You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS:

You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo - centric, war - mongering, intolerant past) two differently - aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non - specified gender.

COUNTER CULTURE:

Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.

SURREALISM:

You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:

You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM:

You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them WorldWide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:

You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the journalist who reported the numbers.

A HINDU CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You worship them.

Revisionist Humour

25 QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS ABOUT THE "ATOMIC BOMB"

1. Is there any evidence that a thermonuclear device exploded over Hiroshima in 1945?
   No, absolutely none. According to leading historians and physicists, the thermonuclear bomb was not invented until years after the supposed detonation over Japanese territory.
2. Is there any evidence that a uranium-based "atom bomb" was ever dropped onto Nagasaki, Japan?
   Absolutely not. While many historians and journalists made this claim in the late 40's and early 50's, everyone now agrees that no such bomb ever exploded over Nagasaki. Yet there are some who still stubbornly cling to this supposed "fact."
3. What are the materials needed to make an "atom bomb?"
   Uranium-238 and plutonium-239.
4. Aren't these materials radioactive?
   Highly so. Anybody who attempts to use these materials is endangering his/her life.
5. Is it likely that nuclear scientists in the 40's would be handling uranium and plutonium?
   This would be highly unlikely. Very few people felt so threatened by the Japanese to be willing to risk their lives on a theoretical chance of a superbomb that could end a far-away war a little sooner.
6. Aren't there witnesses to the atomic bomb in Hiroshima?
   The only "witnesses" that could possibly survived this supposed explosion would have been blinded by the intense flash of light, so their testimony is quite unreliable and contradictory.
7. According to conventional historians, was the uranium bomb tested before supposedly being dropped over Hiroshima?
   No. There was no testing whatsoever of a uranium bomb in Alamogordo or anywhere else before Hiroshima.
8. Isn't that strange?
   Yes. Typical weapons are tested for months and years before deployment; there is no other weapon that according to the accepted "facts" deployed before any testing whatsoever.
9. How many witnesses are there for all of the atomic tests allegedly occuring during the fifties and sixties?
   Very few, perhaps a few hundred, who claimed to have seen them.
10. What did the General Advisory Committee of the Atomic Energy Commission say in their report of October 30, 1949?
    They recommended strongly against the development of what they called the "Super Bomb," which is simply a thermonuclear bomb. They said that "A super bomb might become a weapon of genocide."
11. Isn't this four years after Hiroshima and Nagasaki?
    Yes. Obviously development of nuclear weapons occurred well after their supposed implementation in 1945.
12. Is radioactivity dangerous?
    Everything is radioactive to some extent.
13. What was the triggering method of the bomb that supposedly was dropped on Hiroshima?
    According to the standard historical accounts, it used a gun- assembly trigger.
14. Wasn't the gun-assembly method of triggering abandoned in the design stage?
    Yes; according to these same sources the gun method would not work with uranium-derived plutonium-239 because some of the plutonium-239 absorbs a neutron to become plutonium-240, which undergoes spontaneous fission, all before supercriticality, causing a premature and very small explosion that is unusable for the very purpose that it was supposedly designed for!
15. How do conventional historians rectify these two "facts?"
    They don't even attempt to.
16. How many books have been written about the atomic bomb?
    Many hundreds, as well as thousands of articles in magazines and newspapers.
17. Why was Hiroshima "targeted," and not Tokyo?
    Perhaps because no one had heard of Hiroshima, and no one knew anyone from there. It would be far more difficult to claim that Tokyo was bombed than Hiroshima and Nagasaki. In fact, most world maps from before "World War Two" do not even mention these cities at all.
18. How does Japan benefit from the "atom bomb" story?
    As a direct result of the "war," Japan has received billions of dollars worth of US aid for its defense. Japan has essentially no defense budget, so it can pour resources through MITI into defeating the US economically, all while playing on the emotions of anti-"nuke" activists about the "horrors" of nuclear weapons.
19. Wow, I never thought of that. How else do the Japanese benefit from this story?
    The Japanese now own major Hollywood studios, from which many war movies are produced. Also, they play upon our sympathy for the supposed "atom bomb" to blind us to the fact that this foreign nation had taken over our semiconductor industry, many California banks and practically the entire state of Hawaii.
    This is all a part of the Japanese plot to take over the world. According to the "Protocols of the Elders of the Orient," this is a Japanese conspiracy all foretold by their ancient texts that very few Anglo-Saxons have the ability to read.
20. How many people are supposed to have died in the explosions?
    It is hard to say. Some sources say 60,000 in Hiroshima, others say 140,000. No attempt has been made to rectify the various numbers.
21. How many people die annually from car accidents in the US?
    Over 50,000.
22. So, what makes Hiroshima so special?
    Nothing, especially given the contradictory evidence about it.
23. Boy, I'm mad. What should I do about this?
    Glad you asked. First, send me lots of money so we can spread this message far and wide. Maybe we'll take out ads in college newspapers or something.
    Second, direct your anger at the Japanese. We are the victims, and they are the aggressors. Make yourself feel important again by bashing Japan at every opportunity. Japanese people are inherently evil, and basically subhuman. They were never bombed, and if they would have been they would have deserved it. Who do they think they are, anyway?
    Yes, we Revisionists have all the answers. Life is a lot simpler than you thought it was. Join us, and you won't have to be bothered anymore by any feelings of guilt for your inherent hatred. We can justify it! Oh, it's not the Japanese you hate, but the crippled? Hey - so do we! It's easy: we don't like feeling uncomfortable around people in wheelchairs, either! Who do they think they are, taking all the good parking spaces when they were stupid enough to slip on a banana peel? IT'S A CONSPIRACY! --See how easy it is to start? Now, just mix in a few real facts, and start converting all of the otherwise messed-up people to OUR CAUSE!
24. Wow! You mean that I could write stuff like this, too?
    Sure! It's embarrasingly easy to write what we wrote above. In fact, it's even superior to the usual anti-Semitic revisionist garbage, because it has a higher percentage of REAL FACTS! Most of the apparent "contradictions" above come from the facts that Nagasaki was bombed by a plutonium bomb, not uranium; and that hydrogen bombs are thermonuclear, not atomic bombs. Just juggle information about the different types of bombs and mix them up so they seem to be contradicting each other. It doesn't take ANY INTELLIGENCE WHATSOEVER, and you can get lots of free air time on "48 Hours"!
    Oh, I forgot to mention: I have a Japanese girlfriend who agrees with EVERY WORD I've written above. Here she is:
    "Yes, I am his Japanese girlfriend. I love him very much, and I've always been troubled by my Japanese friends claiming to know people who died in Hiroshima."
    There you have it! Just throw some unverifiable opinions on top of ridiculous proofs to STRENGTHEN YOUR CASE!
25. Couldn't I be arrested for this?
    No! This country is founded on FREE SPEECH! But, just make sure that you mention how much you are being persecuted for saying your version of history. (More than three email messages a day qualify for being called harrassment. Five may merit a lawsuit.)
26. Where can I get more information?
    Go to a library. Take a book at random. Skim it. Then, decide how that book is either for you or against you. If it is for you, quote liberally and out of context. If against you, do the same.

Noah's Ark -- Today

"Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time."

Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. ..... And there was no Ark.

"Noah," shouted the Lord, "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to re-draw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system."

"Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission."

"Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I need the wood to save the Owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls."

"The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls."

"Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind."

"Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being."

"Then the Army Corp of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe."

"Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled.

"You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has."