Nature Humour

Quick Reference

• Cat Jokes
• Cat Etiquette
• Bear Chase
• Bad Parrot
• Bathing A Cat
• Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
• Squirrels' Nuts
• Bear Hunting

Cat Jokes

• A man offers a thousand dollar reward for the return of his wife's cat. His friend says, "That's a pretty big reward for a cat." The man replies, "Not after I drowned it."
• Two kittens were watching a tennis game. One said, "My dad's in that racket."
• A tomcat was heard running up and down the alley for hours. A neighbor called his owner and asked what was happening. The owner said, "Well, I had him fixed today, and he's going around canceling all his engagements."

Cat Etiquette

• If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good!
• Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. He won't dare push you off and will even call you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better.
• For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors contrast with your own.
• Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
• For guests who say, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings or a quick nip on the ankles.
• Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather or mosquito season.
• If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one.
• For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself.
• For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to dose. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it.
• For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed for the second time, push anything movable off the table -- pens, pencils, stamps -- one at a time.
• Get enough sleep during the daytime so that you are fresh for playing at night between 2 and 4 a.m.

Bear Chase

The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.

Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!"

The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.

Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said,

"Thank you, Lord, for the food I'm about to receive...."

Bad Parrot

Bob tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example... Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Bob put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking and kicking and screaming -- then suddenly there was quiet.

Bob was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Bob's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."

Bob was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a drastic change when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?"

Cat Bathing

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away. I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary - the kitty odours that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez." When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

• Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
• Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket.
• Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.
• Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product-testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)
• Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.
  Cats have no handles.
  Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record is - for cats - three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
• Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defences and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better.

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER:

To get to the other side.

PLATO:

For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE:

It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX:

It was a historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY:

Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN:

I forget.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:

To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

HIPPOCRATES:

Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

ANDERSEN CONSULTING:

Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN:

The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

MOSES:

And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER:

You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON:

The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

MACHIAVELLI:

The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

JERRY SEINFELD:

Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

FREUD:

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES:

I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE:

The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

DARWIN:

Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

EINSTEIN:

Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA:

Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON:

The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:

To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS:

I missed one?

Squirrels' Nuts

"Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, Let's eat one now and save the other until winter --- that did it."

Bear Hunting

There was a furry tap on his shoulder. He turned around to see a 200-kilo black bear. "Excuse me," said the bear, "I couldn't help but notice that you just shot my cousin. Now you've got a choice. Either I can maul you to death, or you can let me shag you."

Not a great pair of choices, but the hunter figured that he'd rather not die, and opted for choice #2. The bear duly had its way with him and wandered off.

The hunter staggered home. It took him a week to recover. Once he was better, he went back to the woods, tracked down the black bear and shot it dead.

Another furry tap on his shoulder. Behind him this time was a 400-kilo grizzly bear. "You've shot my cousin," said the grizzly. "Either I maul you to death, or you let me shag you."

Cornered, the hunter opted for choice #2 again. This was worse than before, and it took him nearly a month to recover. However, once better he went back into the woods, tracked down the grizzly and shot it dead.

Another furry tap on his shoulder. Behind him was a 1000-kilo Kodiak bear. "Admit it," said the bear, "you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"