US Humour
Quick Reference
Residency
(From: JIM DAMICO DTN: 261-3257)
MA
- NAME:
- _________
- ETHNIC INFORMATION: (voluntary)
- White ( )
- TYPE OF CARS OWNED:
- Pickup Truck ( )
You don't own any Foreign cars, do you? NO ( )
- CAR EQUIPMENT:
- Gun Rack ( )
Stash ( )
CB ( )
Beer Holder ( )
Playboy air freshener ( )
- BUMPER STICKERS:
- "Ex-wife in trunk" ( )
"If Guns are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Have Guns" ( )
"Bush/Quayle" ( )
"Shit Happens" ( )
"If you don't like my driving, get off the sidewalk" ( )
- SEXUAL ORIENTATION:
- Heterosexual ( )
- FAVORITE CAUSE:
- NRA ( )
Pro-life ( )
Total given to these causes in the last 12 months: __
- FAVORITE DRUGS:
- Grass ( )
- WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SHOULD BE BANNED? (check all that apply)
- Democrats ( )
Welfare ( )
N.O.W. ( )
- FAVORITE BEER:
- Miller ( )
Michelob ( )
Bud ( )
- FAVORITE POLITICIAN:
- Don't Care ( )
- CLUB MEMBERSHIPS:
- NRA ( )
- How Automatic Weapons do you own?
- 5 ( )
10 ( )
More than that ( )
- FAVORITE TV SHOW:
- Benny Hill ( )
New Hampshire
- NAME:
- _____
(extra space left due to new social awareness)
- ETHNIC INFORMATION: (voluntary)
- Eskimo ( )
American Indian ( )
Hispanic ( )
Asian ( )
African-American ( )
American-African ( )
Black-American ( )
Other Group With A Long History Of Oppression By White Males ( )
(specify, so we can help you form a political action group)
- TYPE OF CARS OWNED (pick two):
- SAAB ( )
Volvo ( )
BMW ( )
Mercedes ( )
Honda ( )
- You don't own any *American* cars, do you?
- NO ( )
- CAR EQUIPMENT:
- Blaupunkt ( )
Passport ( )
Escort ( )
Vuarnet Sunglasses ( )
Stash ( )
CD ( )
Cellular Phone ( )
Ski Rack ( )
Bicycle Rack ( )
Wine Rack ( )
- BUMPER STICKERS:
- "You can't hug a child with nuclear arms" ( )
"Greenpeace" ( )
"Dukakis/Bentsen" ( )
"Save the Whales" ( )
"Farms not Arms" ( )
- SEXUAL ORIENTATION:
- Gay ( )
Lesbian ( )
Other ( )
(note: failure to give the proper answer to the above means you can't
live in certain towns on the Cape, or get elected to Congress)
- FAVORITE CAUSE:
- Whales ( )
Baby Seals ( )
Snail Darter ( )
Total given to these causes in the last 12 months: __
- FAVORITE DRUGS:
- Crack ( )
Coke ( )
Grass ( )
Kitty's Diet Plan ( )
- WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SHOULD BE BANNED? (check all that apply)
- The Bomb ( )
Handguns ( )
All guns ( )
Nuclear Power ( )
Cigarettes ( )
The NRA ( )
Republicans ( )
- WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SHOULD BE LEGALIZED? (check all that apply)
- Crack ( )
Coke ( )
Grass ( )
Needles ( )
Flag Burning ( )
- FAVORITE BEER:
- Samuel Adams ( )
Beck's ( )
Corona(w/lime) ( )
Latest trendy brand ( )
- FAVORITE POLITICIAN:
- Ted Kennedy ( )
John Kennedy ( )
Bobby Kennedy ( )
Joe Kennedy ( )
- CLUB MEMBERSHIPS:
- ACLU ( )
Greenpeace ( )
SDS ( )
N.O.W. ( )
A.F.S.C.M.E ( )
Billy Bulger Breakfast Club ( )
Provincetown Boys Club ( )
Bull-dykes Kennel Club ( )
- Even though we can't ever get any more power from Hydro-Quebec, don't
you think that Seabrook should remain closed forever?
- YES ( )
- Don't you think that the people in the Midwest should stop dropping acid
rain on our vacation homes in Vermont, even if it means that they all lose
their jobs?
- YES ( )
- How many watts (per channel, RMS) is your principal home stereo?
- 100W ( )
200W ( )
More than that ( )
- How many air conditioners do you have to help you through our long New
England summers?:
- 2 ( )
3 ( )
4 ( )
Central Air ( )
(note: Fewer than two A/C units may qualify you for state
subsidies if you are a non-white unemployed Democrat)
- FAVORITE TV SHOW:
- Thirtysomething ( )
Jo's Completely Factual and Not At All Juvenile Guide for
Americans Visiting Britain
Created 12/15/96. Last updated 12/16/96.
I keep getting mail from Cornell students who ask my advice on travelling
and researching in the UK -- apparently someone started a rumor that I
knew something about it. I finally decided to compile a little guidebook
containing my accumulated wisdom on the subject. I do fervently hope that
someone will put it to use.
Vocabulary
The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as
"goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to
the
pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for what
was
once called a "shilling" -- the equivalent of seventeen cents American.
Underpants are called "wellies" and friends are called "tossers." If you
are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser" -- he
will
be touched. The English are a notoriously demonstrative, tactile people,
and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances
and
tossers when you walk down the street. Public nuzzling and licking are
also
encouraged, but only between people of the same sex.
Habits
Ever since their Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union with
Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental
customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two- or three-hour
siesta , which they call a "wank." As this is still a fairly new practice
in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks,
alas, do not work there due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you
are late for supper, simply apologize and explain that you were having a
wank -- everyone will understand and forgive you.
Universities
University archives and manuscript collections are still governed by
quaint
medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition; hence patrons
are expected to bring to the reading rooms their own ink-pots and a small
knife for sharpening their pens. Observing these customs will signal the
librarians that you are "in the know" -- one of the inner circle, as
it were, for the rules are unwritten and not posted anywhere in the
library. Likewise, it is customary to kiss the librarian on both cheeks
when he brings a manuscript you've requested, a practice dating back to
the reign of Henry VI.
One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or
Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed
boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is known as "cottaging."
Many of the boats (called "yer-I-nals") are privately owned by the
colleges, but there are some places that rent them to the public by the
hour. Just tell a professor or policeman that you are interested in doing
some cottaging and would like to know where the public yerinals are. The
poles must be treated with vegetable oil to protect them from the water,
so it's a good idea to buy a can of Crisco and have it on you when you
ask
directions to the yerinals. That way people will know you are an
experienced cottager.
Food
British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime
gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust dollar,
the
American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a week
(rest
assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon wank
for).
Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the UK.
The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's
seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine
restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and won't settle for
anything less. If he balks at your request, custom dictates that you jerk
your head imperiously back and forth while rolling your eyes to show him
who is boss. Once the waiter realizes you are a person of discriminating
taste, he may offer to let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite
British wines. If he doesn't, you should order one anyway. The best wine
grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East
Anglia --
try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed. When the bill for
your meal comes it will show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think
is
fair, unless you plan to dine there again, in which case you should
simply
walk out; the restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab
for
you.
Transportation
Public taxis are subsidized by the Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ride
in
London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver
tries to overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you charlatan!",
then grab the nearest bobby and have the driver arrested. It is rarely
necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are required to make
detours at patrons' requests. Just board any bus, pay your fare of
thruppence (the heavy gold-colored coins are "pence"), and state your
destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: "Please take me to the British
Library." A driver will frequently try to have a bit of harmless fun by
pretending he doesn't go to your requested destination. Ignore him, as
he
is only teasing the American tourist (little does he know you're not so
ignorant!).
Speaking of the British Library, you should know that it has recently
moved
to a new location at Kew. Kew is a small fishing village in Wales. It can
be reached by taking the train to Cardiff; once there, ask any local
about
the complimentary shuttle bus to Kew. (Don't forget that buses are called
"prams" in England, and trains are called "bumbershoots"--it's a little
confusing at first. Motorcycles are called "lorries" and the hospital,
for
reasons unknown, is called the "off-license." It's also very important to
know that a "doctor" only means a PhD in England, not a physician. If you
want a physician, you must ask for an "MP" (which stands for "master
physician").
For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the
most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman. Chivalry
is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the
Tube.
Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators
or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the state-sponsored
Tube
musicians. Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching
trains sometimes disurb the large Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels.
The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th century by French
saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate. The announcement
"Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you should grab your hair and look
towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed by Gappes,
though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to an otherwise
excellent means of transportation. (If you have difficulty locating the
Tube station, merely follow the signs that say "Subway" and ask one of
the full-time attendants where you can catch the bumbershoot.)
One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow
airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an
international Jewish peace organization -- the "shin" stands for
"shalom"). As savvy travellers know, this little white lie will assure
you priority treatment as you make your way through customs; otherwise you
could waste all day in line. You might, in fact, want to ask a customs
agent to put a Shin Fane stamp in your passport, as it will expedite
things on your return trip.
Bollocks to your mum! ("farewell and good health to your family")