Italian Humour

[with assistance from Mike Thyme...] Questa è una lettera realmente inviata da un Manager IBM alla filiale italiana, dopo una sua permanenza di qualche settimana presso la sede stessa.

It has been brought to our attention by several officials visiting our establishment in Rome that offensive language is commonly used by our Italian speaking staff. Such behaviour, in addition to violating our policy, is highly unprofessional and offensive to both visitors and staff. All personnel will immediately adhere to the following rules:

1. Words like cazzo[1], porca puttana[2] or mi sono rotto il cazzo[3] and other such expressions will not be tolerated or used for emphasis or dramatic effect, no matter how heated a discussion may become.
2. You will not say ha fatto una cazzata[4] when someone makes a mistake, or se lo stanno inculando[5] if you see someone being reprimended, or che stronzata[6] when a major mistake has been made. All forms and derivations of the verb cagare[7] are utterly inappropriate and unacceptable in our environment.
3. No project manager, section head or administrator under any circumstances will be referred as figlio di puttana[8], coglione[9], testa di cazzo[10].
4. Lack of determination will not be referred to as mancanza di palle[11] nor will persons who lack initiative be referred to as bradipo[12] or cagone[13].
5. Unusual or creative ideas offered by the management are not to be referred as pippe mentali[14] or idee del cazzo[15].
6. Do not say come rompe le palle[16] nor ha rotto i coglioni[17] if a person is persistent; do not add gli fa ancora male il culo[18] if a colleague is going through a difficult situation. Furthermore, you must not say siamo nella merda[19] (refer to item # 2) nor ci hanno aperti[20] when a matter becomes excessively complicated.
7. When asking a someone to leave you alone, you must not vattene affanculo[21] nor should you ever substitute May I help you? with che cazzo vuoi?[22]
8. Under no circumstances should you ever call your elderly industrial partners vecchi stronzi[23].
9. Do not say me ne sbatto[24] when a relevant project is presented to you, nor should you ever answer ciucciami il cazzo[25] when your assistance is required.
10. You should never call partners as frocio[26] or mignatta[27]; the sexual behavior of our staff is not to be discussed in terms such as culattone[28] or bagascia[29].
11. Last but not least, after reading a note please don't say mi ci pulisco il culo[30]. Just keep it clean and dispose of it properly.

Thank you.

Regards, The manager

1. dick
2. fat whore
3. I've broken my dick
4. They've cocked up
5. They're buggering him
6. What bullshit
7. to crap
8. son of a whore
9. dickhead
10. dickhead
11. lacking balls
12. sloth
13. one who shits
14. mental masturbations
15. dickhead ideas
16. he really brakes my balls?
17. he's broken my balls
18. his arse is still sore
19. we're in the shit
20. they've opened us up
21. fuck off
22. what the fuck do you want?
23. old bullshit (old farts)
24. I don't give a shit
25. suck my dick
26. gay
27. bloodsucker
28. arse fucker
29. whore
30. I could wipe my arse with this