General National Humour

Quick Reference

• Cultural Differences Explained
• Ten Reasons Why...
• Scousers and Heaven
• Axes of Evil
• Canadian Apology

Cultural Differences Explained

Aussies:

Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.

Canadians:

Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.

Americans:

Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.

Brits:

Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad (spot the socks and sandals)

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Aussies:

Believe you should look out for your mates.

Brits:

Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.

Americans:

Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.

Canadians:

Believe that that's the government's job.

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Aussies:

Are extremely patriotic to their beer.

Americans:

Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.

Canadians:

Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.

Brits:

Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

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Americans:

Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.

Canadians:

Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.

Brits:

Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.

Aussies:

Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

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Americans:

Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.

Brits:

Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.

Canadians:

Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.

Aussies:

Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.

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Americans:

Spell words differently, but still call it "English".

Brits:

Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".

Canadians:

Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.

Aussies:

Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.

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Brits:

Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Aussies:

Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Americans:

Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

Canadians:

Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

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Americans:

Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.

Canadians:

Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.

Brits:

Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.

Aussies:

Drink anything with alcohol in it.

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Americans:

Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.

Canadians:

Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.

Brits:

Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.

Aussies:

Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

Ten Reasons...

1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay
2. Yet to experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time.
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs
4. If there's a war you can surrender really early
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not

1. You can have a woman president without electing her
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it
3. You can call Budweiser beer
4. You can be a crook and still be president
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun
7. You can invent a new public holiday every year
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.
11. When you're not.
12. At all.

1. Two World Wars and One World Cup doo-dah doo-dah
2. Warm beer
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events
5. Union jack underpants
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8. Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not
9. Ditto changing underwear
10. Beats being Welsh.

1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns
4. Glorious military history... well, till about 400 a.d.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside
6. Political stability
7. Flexible working hours
8. Live near the Pope
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers

1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits etc
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing
6. Honesty
7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls
8. You get to eat bulls' testicles
9. Gibraltar
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.

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10. In-built sense of pacifism

1. Chicken Madras
2. Lamb Passanda
3. Onion Bhaji
4. Bombay Potatoe
5. Chicken Tikka Masala
6. Rogan Josh
7. Popadoms
8. Chicken Dopiaza
9. Meat Bhuna
10. Kingfisher lager

1. You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?!?!?!?

1. Guinness
2. 18 children becuase you can't use contraceptives
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road
4. Pubs never close
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on.
6. No one can ever remember the night before
7. Kill people you don't agree with
8. Stew
9. More Guiness
10. Eating stew and drinking guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.

1. It beats being an American.
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge fuckoff shotguns and cover your house in their skins
9. Own-an-eskimo scheme.
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground

1. Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bastard that no civilised nation on earth wanted.
2. Fosters Lager
3. Dispossess Abbos who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.
4. Annihilate England every time you play them at cricket.
5. Tact and sensitivity.
6. Bondai Beach.
7. Other beaches.
8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals
9. Drinking cold lager on the beach
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.

Scousers and Heaven

"Pick the ten most righteous. They shall enter Heaven." says God.

Ten minutes later Peter comes back to God; "They're gone!!" he exclaims.

"What, all forty??" says God.

"Not the scousers" says Peter "The gates."

Axes of Evil

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil... in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil... we're the best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An Axis can't have more than three countries, "explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool."

THE AXIS PANDEMIC

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.

Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick. "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do, "said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.

Canadian Apology

Here is a truly Canadian, tongue in cheek apology, courtesy of Rick Mercer from This Hour Has 22 Minutes.

On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and, for that, I am truly sorry.

I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron.

He is a moron but, it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all it's not like you actually elected him.

I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own.

I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours.

I'm sorry we burnt down your white house during the war of 1812. I notice you've rebuilt it! It's Very Nice.

I'm sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer but, we Feel your Pain. [Ed: Hah! Pot, meet kettle.]

I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you wanna have your friends by your side.

I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.

And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. We've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.

Thank you.