Yet More Male Humour

Quick Reference

100 Reasons To Be A Guy

  1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
  2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
  3. You know stuff about tanks.
  4. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
  5. Monday Night Football.
  6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
  7. Your bathroom lines are 80 percent shorter.
  8. You can open all your own jars.
  9. Old friends don't give a crap if you've lost or gained weight.
  10. Dry cleaners & hair-cutters don't rob you blind.
  11. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of someone crying.
  12. Your ass is never a factor in job interviews.
  13. All your orgasms are real.
  14. A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex.
  15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into the boards).
  16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
  17. You understand why "Stripes" is funny.
  18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
  19. Your last name stays put.
  20. You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
  21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
  22. You can kill your own food.
  23. The garage is all yours.
  24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
  25. You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment".
  26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
  27. You never have to clean a toilet.
  28. You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
  29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
  30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
  31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
  32. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
  33. The National College Cheerleading Championship.
  34. You don't have to shave below your neck.
  35. None of your co-workers has the power to make you cry.
  36. You can spend more time with one of your friends without your other friends clawing each others' eyes out in fits of jealousy.
  37. If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
  38. You can write your name in the snow.
  39. You can get into a non-trivial pissing contest.
  40. Everything on your face gets to stay it's original color.
  41. Chocolate is just another snack.
  42. You can be president.
  43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
  44. Flowers fix everything.
  45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
  46. You get to think about sex 90 percent of your waking hours.
  47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
  48. Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
  49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
  50. You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls hurt!") and not worry about what people think.
  51. Foreplay is optional.
  52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
  53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.
  54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
  55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by.
  56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
  57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
  58. You don't give a rat's ass if anyone notices your new haircut.
  59. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without thinking "He must be mad at me".
  60. The world is your urinal.
  61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you.
  62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
  63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
  64. One mood, all the time!
  65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
  66. You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one's "just too skeezy".
  67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
  68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
  69. Same work...more pay!
  70. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
  71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
  72. Wedding dress: $2000.00 Tuxedo rental: $75.00
  73. You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back.
  74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
  75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
  76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
  77. The remote control is yours and yours alone.
  78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
  79. ESPN's SportsCenter.
  80. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
  81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
  82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
  83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
  84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
  85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friend that you've changed.
  86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
  87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Fuck it".
  88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.
  89. Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
  90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
  91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
  92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
  93. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.
  94. New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.
  95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
  96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
  97. Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them.
  98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"
  99. Baywatch.
  100. There's always a game on somewhere.

Slagging Off Men...

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds Mature.
What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
I went to the County Fair. They had one of those "Believe it or not?" Shows. They had a man born with a penis and a brain.
What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.
What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.
How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?
He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
Why are men like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.
What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
If men got pregnant....
abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive through windows.
Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.
Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.
Why do men like masturbation?
It's sex with someone they love.
How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
Two ways to cross a river.
What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.
Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it?
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.
What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.
Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy exclaimed, "how sad - a dead bird." The other man looked up and said, "where?"
Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom?
To keep the swelling down.

If Men Rewrote The Rules

Some handy hints for a happy life...
Rule # 1
Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
Rule # 2
If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Rule # 3
If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
Rule # 4
It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
Rule # 5
Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
Rule # 6
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
Rule # 7
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
Rule # 8
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Rule # 9
Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
Rule # 10
- Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
Rule # 11
- When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.
Rule # 12
- Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

Men Bashing

Q: What's the difference between a man and a condom?
A: Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive.
Q: What do UFOs and caring men have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them but never see any for yourself
Q: Why is sex like a game of cards?
A: Because if you don't have a good partner, you had better have a good hand
Q: What's the difference between a man and a bottle of whisky?
A: Whisky improves with age.
Q: Why does a man have a clear conscience?
A: Because it is unused.
Q: What do you call a man who has suddenly lost 98% of his brain?
A: Divorced.
Q: Did you hear about the stupid man who wanted to be a chef?
A: He thought coq au vin was sex in the back of a lorry.
Q: Why don't women like basketball players as lovers?
A: Because they always dribble before they shoot.
Q: Did you hear about the man who used to complain about the decorating while having sex?
A: He was destined to a life of DIY..
Q: What are the the three types of men?
A: The handsome, the caring and the majority.
Q: What's a man's ultimate embarassment?
A: Walking into a wall with an erection and hurting his nose!
Q: What is a man?
A: A life-support machine for a penis.
Q: What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?
A: You don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.
Q: What should you do if your boyfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down.
Q: Why do men find it hard to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.
Q: What's a man's idea of a romantic evening?
A: A candlelit football ground.
Q: What's the difference between a man and a chimpanzee?
A: One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching its arse and the other's a chimpanzee.
Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a slut.
Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time.
Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: They won't stop to ask directions!
Q: What does PMS stand for?
A: Putting (up with) Men's Stupidity
Q: What do electric toy trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're intended for the children, but it's the husbands who end up playing with them!
Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock
Q: What do men and sperm have in common?
A: They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
Q: Why did god make man before woman?
A: You need a rough draft before you have a final copy
Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
A: Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Martian Visit

A young couple is living on a farm. One evening a flying saucer lands on the farm, right next to their house. Out of the flying saucer steps a young Martian couple, and they look very much like humans. The earth woman invites the Martians for dinner. They all sit down and start talking. They begin exchanging ideas and traditions, and they get to liking each other so much that they decide to switch partners for the night. The farmer and the Martian's wife go into one of the rooms, and the farmer's wife and the Martian man go into the other room.

As the Martian man takes off his pants, the farmer's wife looks down and sees that his phallus is extremely small. "What are you gonna do with that?" she says.

"I'll show you," he says, and proceeds to twist his right ear. Suddenly his penis extends to a foot and a half. However, it is still only as thick as a pencil.

"That's pretty long," says the woman, "but it's really not very wide." The Martian then reaches up, twists his left ear, and he becomes as thick as a huge sausage. They then proceed to have sex.

The next morning, the Martians take off and the farmer and his wife are having breakfast. "So, how was it?" asks the farmer.

"It was great," says the wife, "the best sex I've ever had! How was yours?" "Well," says the farmer, "it was kinda weird. All night long she kept playing with my ears."

Differences

Success:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful women is one who can find such a man.
Style:
Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
Money Management:
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar tem that she doesn't want.
Happiness:
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Marriage Expectations:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
Marriage Decisions:
Men marry because they are tired. Women marry because they are curious. Both are disappointed.
Marriage and the Future:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
Memories:
A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her. A man, of the woman who he didn't.

The Shipwreck

A ship goes out to sea and crashes. 6 people (1 Woman and 5 men) survive and use a life raft to float to a deserted island. After spending several weeks on the island, they all begin to get lonely... sexually deprived, really lonely.

So they come to the following agreement: each man will marry the woman for a week. So the first man has her for one week, then the second man has her for the second week, and so on. Everyone will now be getting sex and they all agree to it.

This goes on for five years and everyone is happy. Each man gets sex every fifth week and the woman gets to have sex whenever she wants with a different man every week.

Well, a few weeks into the fifth year, the woman dies!

The first week is pretty bad.

The second week is still pretty bad.

The third week it's getting worse.

The fourth week things are just bad...really bad.

The fifth week it is just awful...it's getting so bad...

Sooooo...on the sixth week......

They bury her.

The Best Lover

WHAT KIND OF MAN MAKES THE BEST LOVER?

Unfortunately, many men who seem attractive on the surface are actually strongly homosexual, often without even knowing it. Men with lean waists, overdeveloped chests, arms and clean skin are actually subconsciously obsessed by male bodies. You should stay far away from men who are athletes or rock stars, and men who feel compelled to dress in fancy suits with clean shirts and polished shoes. These "men" often have a compulsion to spend money on sumptuous meals, taxis, and expensive trinkets to compensate for their affliction.

Experienced, self-confident lovers, the kind you want, don't need to alter the natural contours of their bodies. They are content with slender arms, relaxed chests, and waists with a comfortable amount of flesh, which can come in handy during moments of intimacy (why do you think they call them "love handles"?)

One other tip: Married men can be depended on not to cause embarrassing rumours about you at home or school. Men on short business trips are discreet, grateful, and particularly driven by passion. Look for them!

HOW..."BIG"...SHOULD A MAN BE?

Don't be shy. It's an important question, and one surrounded by confusion.

The average man's penis is 2 1/2 to 3 inches long. Men substantially larger than this must often undergo painful surgery to cure their condition. In thickness, the average man is somewhat larger than a ball-point pen.

HOW..."LONG"...SHOULD A MAN LAST?

Some men can prolong the sex act beyond the once-imponderable thirty-second barrier; intercourse with an experienced man can go for up to forty-five seconds. Once in a long while, you'll find a man who can "last" as long as a minute. Whatever you do, don't let your girlfriends know you've landed one of these desirable "sixty second wonders."

HOW DO I KNOW IF I'M HAVING AN ORGASM?

The female orgasm is a sensation that's very hard to put into words, but most fulfilled, experienced women agrees that it "feels like something inside of you." When a man's penis is inside your vagina, or mouth or buttocks, that is an orgasm. You'll find a really skilled lover applies the same techniques to love as a gourmet does to a meal; he "leaves a little something on your plate." When, after intercourse, you feel a vague sensation that there could be "more to come," that "vaguely unsatisfied" feeling, then you can be sure you've experienced a sexually memorable adventure.

WHAT IS A MULTIPLE ORGASM?

There is no such thing!!

WHAT ABOUT ORAL SEX?

This is one of the most significant differences between the sexes. If you look at pictures of a man and a woman, you'll see the a man's penis fits naturally into a woman's mouth. On the other hand, a man's mouth does not naturally fit into a woman's vagina. Thus, a woman orally stimulating a man is performing a "natural" act, but a man seeking to put his mouth on or near your vagina is committing an "unnatural" act (why do you think they call the vagina your "private parts"?).

WHAT IS AFTERPLAY?

Men have ways of expressing their satisfaction. His satisfied sigh, followed by a deep, consuming sleep, is a sure sign that he and you are "GIB." Another example of male "afterplay" is his turning on a football or basketball game immediately after climax. Many women find a particularly satisfying postcoital experience in going into the kitchen and bringing a nice, cold beer for the man, along with a light snack, sandwich, potato chips and dip, to help her love put back depleted calories.

WHAT IS IMPOTENCE?

Impotence is what happens when a girl fails to stimulate her man properly. This can happen when her figure is not perfect, or when she tries to talk with him for too long before getting into bed with him. If this happens, you can help by turning on a sports event on TV or getting your man a sandwich. Another really good "foreplay" technique is to invite a really good-looking girl friend over, and do whatever he asks, to him or to each other, while he watches.

HOW CAN I KEEP THE MYSTERY ALIVE?

One good way to keep things from becoming routine is to vary your dress. Garter belts, black mesh stocking, leather or rubber suits will all help get your man's attention. Also, don't keep playing one on one," invite your more attractive and energetic girl friends over to take part.

Another technique. and we think the best, is to use anonymous names. Have your lover call himself "Mr. Smith." Don't let him tell you where he lives, or his home telephone number. You'll find it lends an air of real "mystery" to the affair.

HOW CAN I MEET REAL MEN?

When looking for the ideal man, about twenty-five to fifty, married, on a business trip, with enough flab to assure you of his masculinity, go to a 'local' about 8:30 at night. Look around the bar, then, when you've found your man, unbutton the top three or four buttons on your blouse, wink at him, walk over and whisper in his ear, "You're cute, can I buy you a drink?" This is a real conversation icebreaker and things will naturally progress from here.

SOME OTHER IMPORTANT QUESTIONS

"If I get pregnant, how do I know who the father is?"
There is absolutely no way to tell.
"What's the best way to keep my teeth, skin and hair looking healthy and shiny?"
One of the best and most frequently neglected substances is semen. The more you can somehow get on your teeth and skin, the better you'll look.
"What are some "loving nicknames" we can use?"
You should always call him "Mr. Smith," but you can also call him, "King Kong," "Master," or "Stud." Men often call their favourite lovers, "Hey you" or "Uh, Miss?"
"Where should a man take me?"
Because so many homosexual men like to take their "dates" out for fancy meals, look for the man who will send you out to KFC or McDonalds for a snack. That means his mind is not on food, so you know what he's thinking about.
"What happens if he doesn't call?"
He may be trying to keep the romance alive; go out every few weeks to your 'local' and look to see if he's come back. If he doesn't, find another person who sort of looks like him and maybe writes or works for a humour magazine, then try the "Can I buy you a drink?" technique with him. You may find you've met a new, exciting lover.

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