Men Humour

Quick Reference

• Dumb Men Jokes
• Why Computers are Male
• Rules to Be a Man
• Rita Rudner's 50 facts about men

Dumb Men Jokes

What is the thinnest book in the world?

What men know about women.

How many men does it take screw in a light bulb?

One...men will screw anything.

How does a man take a bubble bath?

He eats beans for dinner.

Why do women rub their eyes when they when they wake up?

Because they don't have balls to scratch.

What is a man's idea of foreplay?

A half hour of begging.

How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?

He's breathing.

What is the difference between men and government bonds?

Bonds mature.

How do you save a man from drowing?

Take your foot off his head.

What do men and beer bottles have in common?

They are both empty from the neck up.

How can you tell if a man is happy?

Who cares.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

We don't know... It's never happened.

How are men and parking spots alike?

The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.

What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?

Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?

E.T. phoned home.

What does a man cnsider a seven course meal?

A hot dog and a six pack of beer.

Do you know why there is a hole in a man's penis?

So he can get air to his brain.

Why computers must be male

1. They have a lot of data but are still TOTALLY clueless.
2. A better model is always just around the corner.
3. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
4. It is always necessary to have a battery backup.
5. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
6. The best part of having either one is the games you can play with it.
7. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
8. The lights are on but nobody's home.
9. Big power surges often knock them out for the night.
10. Size and speed does matter if you care about performance.

Rules To Be A Man

(100 ways to keep your Testosterone flowing)

1. Don't call, ever.
2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.
3. Lie.
4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike"
5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them.
6. Here's a good pickup line, "My girlfiend's pregnant, will you go out with me?
7. Drink Vernors.
8. Play with yourself. Talk about it.
9. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice grunt will do.
10. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.
11. Lie
12. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.
13. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help- don't ask. People will think you have no penis.
14. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
15. Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check you hair, clothing, etc.
16. If you don't like a girl, but can't think of a good enough reason why, just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like, "I don't know. I just don't like her personality."
17. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
18. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit.
19. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.
20. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her.
21. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
22. Say things like "Wha...?"
23. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
24. Lie.
25. Deny everthing. Everything.
26. Good break up line, "It's not you, it's me."
27. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Because if any of your female friends like you, they'll really want to know.
28. Don't have a clue.
29. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
30. No means yes.
31. Yes means no.
32. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times.
33. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations. Improvise.
34. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship.
35. Feelings? What feelings?
36. Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry. If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant."
37. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.
38. Gays are an unacceptable part of our society. Take it upon yourself to personally irradicate all of them from the planet.
39. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day."
40. Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual meaning. Do so.
41. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make an exact replica of your penis. Measure to make sure it's right.
42. Lie.
43. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about saying it.
44. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.
45. Diss your girlfirend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss her again. Repeat cycle.
46. Lie.
47. ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.
48. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
49. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color.
50. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.
51. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
52. Create new words and phrases to describe genetalia, sex, semen, etc.
53. Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel sorry for you and send you mail, ignore it and continue complaining.
54. Lie.
55. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
56. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
57. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction.
58. You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.
59. You are male, therefore you are superior.
60. Agenda for a boring evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.
61. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.
62. Don't ever notice anything.
63. If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with YOU, and then tell her.
64. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.
65. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
66. Lie.
67. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong.
68. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway?
69. If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know."
70. Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.
71. Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.
72. If you ever find yourself in a position where you have been proven wrong, blame others. Come up with creative and believable excuses why they are at fault- not you.
73. Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.
74. If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills.
75. Keep track of how many seconds in your life you have thought about sex. Compare with others.
76. Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long and loud.
77. Lie.
78. General Rule: Different is BAD.
79. If anyone asks you for a favor-
    1. make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it,
    2. remind them of this huge favor you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.
80. Each penny you save will be worth at least a dollar in the long run.
81. If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you, casually ask, "is something wrong?"
82. Three words: Let's be friends.
    Translation: I never want to speak to you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend.
83. Lie.
84. If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in.
85. When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say, "God, I was such a pimp back then."
86. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave,and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell. (true story.)
87. If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted to end the relationship.
88. The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top.
89. Practice your blank stare.
90. Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your ass. Then, whenever you need one, you can pull it out of your ass.
91. If you ever forced to show emotion, just pick random emotions like rage and lust and insanity and display them at random, inconvenient times. You won't be asked to do it again.
92. If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say, "SEE?? I TOLD you I couldn't do it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.
93. Work out day and night to make your body even more beautiful than it already is. When people ask if you've been working out, say things like, "No Baby, I was BORN like this!"
94. Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or Oldies.
95. Beer. Then more beer.
96. Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people.
97. One word: FOOTBALL!
98. Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't want the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we???
99. Diss your girl friends for an occasional night or 5 out with "The Gang".
100. LIE.

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.
4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald."
5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.
8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These 7 words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire, and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.
21. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
25. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
27. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie "The Way We Were" twice, voluntarily.
34. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget ...he didn't lose your number...he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.
38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you...I want to marry you...I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."
40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men sexually and emotionally, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. With male menopause, you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
47. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
48. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
50. All men would still really like to own a train set.