Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies "For you, no charge."
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me? " The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal". The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins - if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
Off he goes into the kitchen where he takes some Cumin, Tumeric and a couple of other spices from the spice rack, grinds them up and rolls them into a spliff. On his return he hands it to one of his smoking partners who lights it and takes a long drag. Within seconds he passes out.
Ten minutes go by and he is still out cold, so the others decide to take him to hospital. On arrival the nurses immediately take him to intensive care. A doctor returns to the friends and asks 'So what have you been doing then? Smoking cannabis?'
'Well sort of', replies one of the guys, 'But we ran out of gear, so I made a home-made spliff.'
'Ahh' replies the doctor, 'And what did you put in it?'
'Oh, just a bit of cumin, some tumeric and a couple of other spices.'
The doctor sighs. 'Well that explains it.'
'Why, what's wrong with our friend?' asks one of the men.
'He's in a korma' replies the doctor.
Then it was the German's turn.... "I'd like a large inflatable duck, with a spring at each corner please" he said, and lo and behold, he got them. So off he went, bouncing through the desert on his inflatable duck and after his 10 minutes were up, Saddam let loose the missiles, but as the German bounced along, every missile missed him. He cleared the border and headed off on his way. Saddam caught up with him and said "Well, you have your freedom, but I need to know how you did it!" "Well" said the German "It's the Foursprungducktechnique"
Well, the first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?"
"Sure, that sounds great!" said Julie. "Well, uh, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.
"Is fifty bucks alright?" Julie asked.
"Yeah that's great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening.
"Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife.
"Well she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.
About 15 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner.
The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?"
"Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie.
"Oh, by the way," said Julie, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
The night before the battle, the armies from the kingdoms gathered to camp on the lakeside. The first army had twenty great knights, and each knight had five squires to look after the knights. The second army had fifty great knights, and each knight had ten squires to see to the knight's needs. The third army however, had only one knight, and this one knight had only one squire.
The squires in the first two camps spent the evening busily setting up camp, cooking dinner, bathing the knights, guarding the food supply, and polishing the armor. In the third camp, the lone knight had to polish his own armor while his squire hung the dinner leftovers in the cooking pot from a loop of rope tied to a tall tree.
The next morning, all the knights got a good look at the disputed island out in the middle of this lake, and they all decided it really wasn't worth risking their skins over, so the knights all agreed to send their squires out to fight the battle instead. Since a three-way fight never seems to work out very well, the squires from the first two camps decided to gang up on the single squire from the third camp, so that once he was out of the way the real battle could begin.
When all the shouting and clashing and fighting was over, and the dust finally settled, the knights looked anxiously over at the battle field to discover the single squire from the third camp reeling with exhaustion before finally collapsing on the pile of all the other squires. Nobody should have been surprised by the outcome of this battle, after all, everyone knows that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
While the experiment was successful beyond everyone's wildest dreams, this one quirk was a huge embarrassment. No matter what the scientists tried they couldn't get the clone to change.
Finally, the enraged scientist in charge or the project pushed him out the window, and the clone fell--SPLAT--to his death. Colleagues were appalled, but at the same time, relieved.
Since the clone wasn't an actual human, the legal system couldn't figure our how the scientist should be charged. Prosecutors finally charged him with making an obscene clone fall.
The vet told him to put the dog on the table and then left the room. Soon he came back with a cat. The cat sniffed the dogs ears, his nose and then walked all over him.
The vet said "Yep, your dog is dead. That will be $535 dollars."
"500 and 35 dollars! What for?"
"$35 for the office visit and $500 for the cat scan."
Two fishermen sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. He sidled up to the bar and announced: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw..."
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "for you, no charge."
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. The first atom says to the second, "Are you all right?", "No, I lost an electron!", the other replies. "Are you sure?", asks the first, "Yeah, I'm positive!".
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication!
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.