Continued General Humour
Quick Reference
Cannibal Gourmet
A cannibal and his son were walking through the jungle looking for food.
They came across a wizened little man and the son said "Dad, shall we kill
him?" and Dad said "No son, he's too skinny, there won't be enough meat on
him for all of us, we'll look a bit further."
They carried on into the jungle and came across this very fat man.
"Dad, he looks better, shall we kill him?"
"No son" said Dad. "He is too fat and will have too much cholesterol,
we'll go a bit further"
On they trundled through the jungle until they came across a tall, leggy,
well endowed blonde. "Cor, Dad, she has got to be just perfect; shall we
kill her?"
"No we won't kill her, son, we'll take her home and eat your mother."
Silly Signs
- Sign in a Laundromat
- AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE
LIGHT GOES OUT
- Sign in a London department store:
- BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
- In an office:
- WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK
OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
- Outside a farm:
- HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF
- In an office:
- AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON
THE DRAINING BOARD
- On a church door:
- THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS
KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR)
- English sign in a German cafe:
- MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING
- Outside a secondhand shop:
- WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING
YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
- Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of
Wales:
- THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER
BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.
- Outside a photographer's studio:
- OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO
- Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
- SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.
- Outside a disco:
- SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME
- Sign warning of quicksand:
- QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER
OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.
- Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish:
- DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK
ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP
THEM IN ORDER
- Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
- ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE
DISPOSED OF.
- Sign on motorway garage:
- PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH
MUCH, BUT OUR PETROL IS
- Notice in health food shop window:
- CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
- Spotted in a safari park:
- ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
- Seen during a conference:
- FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON
THE FIRST FLOOR
- Notice in a field:
- THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL
CHARGES
- Message on a leaflet:
- IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
- Sign on a repair shop door:
- WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL
DOESN'T WORK)
- Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
- BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT
- Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
- TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
Good Advice
- If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply
pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The
blockage is almost instantly removed.
- Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.
- Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a
stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass
to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.
- Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and
nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
- Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own
home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach,
then urinating into it, before jumping in.
- Bus drivers. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your
accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering
wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus
chatting casually to the passengers.
- Confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking
them to wrap it.
- Can't afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling
film and press them into your eyes.
- Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply
changing your name to match your existing plate.
- Why pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen
chips from the freezer and try piecing together potatoes.
- Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
direction of oncoming traffic.
- When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in
case a large, blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way
up the road.
- Cyclists. Why not try stopping at red lights like everyone else,
instead of riding up onto the pavement to avoid them. Stupid
bastards.
Why ask Why?
- Why do you need a drivers license to buy alcohol, when you can't drink and drive?
- Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
- Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
- Why are there floatation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
- Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
- Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
- Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
- How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
- If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on
the doors?
- If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
- If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make it stick to the frypan?
- If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a
height, what would happen?
- If your in a vehicle going the speed of light,, what happens when you turn
the lights on?
- You know most packages say 'open here'. What is the protocol if the
package says 'open somewhere else'.?
- Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of drive up ATM's?
- Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
- Why is it than when you transport something by car, it's called a
shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called a cargo?
- You know that little indestructible black box that is used in planes, why
can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
- Why is it that when you're driving along looking for an address, you turn
down the volume on the radio?
- If all employees in a company are supposed to think in the same
direction, why do you need more than one employee?
- Why do people long for eternal life when they don't even know what to do
on a rainy Sunday afternoon?
- Why do we call this planet "Earth", when it's 90% water?
More Definitions
- Black holes are where God divided by zero.
- All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
- Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
- Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
- How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
- Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
- When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
- The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
- Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding
- Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
- Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
- I intend to live forever - so far, so good
- Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
- Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
- I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
- I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
- I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
- If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
- Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
- Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
- Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
- Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
- If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
- 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
- Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
- When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
- Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
- If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
- Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
- I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
- Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
- For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
- Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
- I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
- He who hesitates is probably right.
- Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
- No one is listening until you make a mistake.
- Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
- The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
- The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
- To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
- Two wrongs are only the beginning.
- You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
- Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.(True, no?)
- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
- Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
- Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
- A fool and his money are soon partying.
- Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
- Always try to be modest. And be VERY proud of it!
- If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
- Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
- Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade!
- Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
- Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
- Death to all fanatics!
- Guests who kill talk show hosts--On the last Geraldo.
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
- Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.
- Beware of geeks bearing gifts.
- Half the people you know are below average.
- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
- Friends help you move, real friends help you move bodies.