Even More General Humour

Quick Reference

• Digging up Barbie
• The Haircut
• Just Desserts
• Nerd Hunting
• Tips For Living

Digging up Barbie

Ok, the story behind this... There's this nutball who digs things out of his back yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archeological finds.

Anyway... here's a letter from the Smithsonian Institute from when he sent them a Barbie doll head.

Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie".

It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern origin:

1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
   1. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
   2. Clams don't have teeth.

Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." I fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,

Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities

The Haircut

A man walked in to Joe's Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he snips away, Joe asks "What's up?"

The man proceeds to explain he's taking a vacation to Rome.

"ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You'd be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," the man replies.

"TWA?!" yells Joe. "They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late! So where you staying in Rome?"

The man says "We'll be at the downtown International Marriot."

"That DUMP?!" says Joe. "That's the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they're overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?"

The man says "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope."

"HA! That's rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You're going to need it!"

A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says, "Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!"

"No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot!"

"Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described."

"No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million remodelling. It's the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!"

"Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!"

"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What'd he say?"

"Oh, not much really. Just 'Where'd you get that bad haircut?'"

Just Desserts

Naturally, they can't believe their eyes and think it's a mirage, but as they draw closer, they can hear the stallholders' cries, and they eventually reach the market and realise that it's really there.

So the legionnaires rush up to the first stall they can and cry to the stallholder, "Stallholder, we have been travelling in the desert for many days, and have had no food or water. We shall surely die soon unless you have some you can sell us - tell us, do you have any sustenance for us?"

The stallholder shook his head and replied "I'm sorry, French Legionnaire type people, but all I have to sell is a load of bowls full of jelly,topped with custard and cream, and lovingly sprinkled with hundreds and thousands."

The legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised, and move on to the next stall, where they ask the stallholder, "Mr purveyor of fine foodstuffs and the like, we have been travelling through the desert for days, deprived of the necessary beverages and foodstuffs which are required for survival. We shall surely die soon, unless you can sell us some skins of water."

The stallholder looked at them embarressed, and confessed "Gentlemen, tragic as I admit it is, I have none of the ingredients necessary to life for which you ask me...all I have to sell is this large bowl of jelly topped with custard and cream and sprinkled with hundreds and thousands, with a little cocktail cherry in the middle at the top - there," he said, pointing out the glace cherry. "I cannot help you.."

The legionnaires look at each other in desparation, and run on to the next stall, where they demand of the stallholder, "Look mate," (cos they'd stopped talking funny all of a sudden) "we need water or we'll die. We've been travelling without water for days and need some now. Do you have any you can sell us?"

The stallholder looked at his curl-ended shoes in shame as he confessed, "Sorry, fellas, all I have to sell you is a bowl of jelly, with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands. I can't help you. I'll have to condemn you to a long and lingering death through dehydration."

The legionnaires were really worried by this point, and they went through the market, stall by stall, asking each stallholder whether they had any water they could sell them, and thus save their lives, but each stallholder gave the same reply, all they had to sell was a bowl of jelly with cream, custard and hundreds and thousands.

Dejected and resigned to their grim fate, the legionnaires left the desert market and walked off into the setting sun. As they did so, one turned to the other and said, "That was really odd - a big market in the middle of nowhere, and all they sold was bowls of jelly with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands." The other turned to face his companion and replied, "Yes, it was a trifle bazaar"

Nerd Hunting

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."

Top Tips

• Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin into a bowl of iron filings.
• 'X File' fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
• A Hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble dispenser at cocktail parties.
• Whilst in bed protect yourself from vampires and werewolves by hiding under the covers.
• Foil pick pockets by placing a freshly toasted "Pop Tart" in each pocket.Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and receive nasty finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside.
• Confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking them to wrap it.
• Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
• Cyclists. Next time you're out on your bike take a tin bath and about 4 or 5 gallons of water in plastic containers. In the event of a flat tire this will help you locate any punctures you may have.
• Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.
• As adverts on the television tell us not to use light switches if we smell gas, I find it useful to always have a candle ready for use in such emergencies.
• Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.
• Always keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your head stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears and slide out.
• Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
• Exterior wood stain is a fast, long-lasting and attractive alternative to sun-bed treatments.
• Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
• Greengrocers. Why throw away old, shrivelled, unsold fruit and veg? Simply label it "Organic Produce" and charge twice the usual price.
• When buying fruit by the pound, buy grapes instead of apples. Apples are much heavier.
• Cigarettes are a much cheaper and more widely available alternative to nicotine patches.
• Beat bicycle theft by towing a horse box behind your bike. When you stop, simply padlock the cycle securely inside the horse box.
• Imagine you're in London by simply sitting in your car all day with the engine running, occasionally honking your horn and never actually going anywhere.
• Beat the credit card companies at their own game. Run up a massive bill on your credit cards and then kill yourself before your statement arrives, thus avoiding repayment.
• LORRY DRIVERS. Make motorway driving more interesting by waiting until a car is overtaking you before pulling out from the inside lane. This is even more fun when there are two cars side by side in the two right hand lanes. BY using arm signals only at junctions, one can lull motorists into thinking your indicator lights are defective.
• BUS DRIVERS. Raise your overall self-esteem and self-importance in life by stopping your vehicle every time a bus approaches from the opposite direction in order to converse with fellow drivers. This is particularly effective in rush hour traffic!
• TO delay paying your electric bill simply lock the electric-board man in the cupboard under the stairs whilst he reads the meter. This will not work if you have a coin meter.
• STOP losing your keys, by chaining them to a large object: such as a chair. Then if you get tired of carrying your keys you can always sit down for a rest.
• IF you cannot afford that driving holiday in France this year - simply drive round Oxfordshire, for 2 weeks, on the wrong side of the road.
• BEFORE driving across a narrow humped-back bridge it is probably a good idea to close your car doors first.
• BY putting a camera with a time-lapsed shutter (set to trigger in 10 seconds or so) into a refrigerator, one can later develop the film in order to find out if the refrigerator's internal light switches off when the door is closed.
• IF you find the fridge light does stay on, you can fit a small video camera inside so you can save yourself the bother of opening the fridge door to find out its empty. This method is also great for making time lapse photography films of cucumbers turning into green liquid.
• Cheer loudly at 8.30pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the lottery.
• AMERICAN organised crime leaders. Upon capturing the 'A' Team do not under any circumstances lock them in a shed full of tools and useful scrap materials.
• OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
• WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for shopping lists.
• MOTORISTS. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.
• FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb.
• WHEN out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right.
• DON'T put washing-up liquid in the garage or loft. Keep it handy in the kitchen. I put mine in the cupboard under the sink.
• BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.
• SAVE money on doorbell batteries by removing them and simply popping to the door every two minutes to see if anyone is there.
• RE-SPRAYING your car? Cover it with 'Cling Film' first. If you don't like the new colour, simply peel it off and start again.
• BUY a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.
• LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhoea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
• AVOID being wheel clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.
• AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
• TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where the f*** you're going.
• OLD contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats.
• KEEP a hammer close to your bed in case any nails fall out of the ceiling at night.
• MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.
• NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
• APPLY red nail varnish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting varnish should be selected).
• PRETEND you're a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with your wife.
• MEN! To convince neighbours that you have a large penis, simply drive a car in and out of your road, very fast, whilst children play there.
• Pretend you're owned by a bumble bee by attaching a wire around your neck and fixing a mushroom to the other end.
• Stay awake for a week and then tell your workmates you've been going out with an owl.
• FOR many years I've kept my legs warm in winter by wearing ladies' tights beneath my trousers. I've never found it embarrassing, as they make perfectly good - and economical - leg warmers. As a pensioner saving money and staying warm are my priorities. In summer I switch to wearing cooler and more hygienic stockings and suspenders.
• STOP birds nesting in your garden by collecting all the twigs and moss in your neighbourhood and hiding it in your garden shed.
• STOP squirrels and birds taking food from your bird table by placing the food inside a biscuit tin, and securing the lid with heavy duty tape.
• HANG a Cornflakes packet on a piece of string in all the doorways of your house. Bumping into the brightly coloured boxes as you pass through will remind you to close the door behind you.
• Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.
• Going on holiday but don't want to get sunburnt? Stay out of the sun by covering yourselves in binbags. Then simply paint an authentic watch strap onto your wrist with Tippex.
• Students: Emphasise your individuality by all wearing the same clothes, having exactly the same haircuts and not being able to handle your subsidised beer that tax payers provide.
• Clap your hands whilst having a shower. This will spray water in all directions.
• When a program you dislike comes on TV simply turn down the volume and close your eyes until it is finished.
• Make your own tea bags by pouring tea into an After Eight mint envelope and stapling it closed. Then puncture the sides 2000 times with a pin.
• Old people, try pushing the pedal on the right down towards the floor. This will make your car move forwards.
• If your husband is working late, keep his tea warm by putting it in the oven on a low heat.
• By simply fixing a mirror to your ceiling, you can examine your feet without looking down.
• Office managers. Encourage primeval hunter-gatherer instincts among staff by hiding nuts and berries about your office to enable them to forage for food at lunchtime.
• Golfers! Empty egg boxes make ideal containers for your golf balls, except that they are a little bit small.
• If you feel someone is taking an unreasonable length of time to answer the phone, punish them by putting the receiver down the minute they eventually answer.
• Ensure a good night's sleep by knocking back a large bottle of gin before retiring to bed.
• Warm your car quickly on cold winter days by attaching a hose to your exhaust pipe and inserting it through a small gap in the window.
• Impress visitors by sitting on their laps, flicking through an animal book and making the appropriate animal noise for each picture. (P.S.This works best if you are under 2 years old.)
• Mums. Slip small coloured plastic beads into your kids' food so as to easily identify their stools at a later date, should the need arise.