Yet More General Humour

Quick Reference

• Suggested Additions to Webster's
• Olympics Report
• The Racing Roosters
• The Three Chinese Tortures
• Fun Things to do in an Elevator
• The Number of The Beast...
• Actual Headlines

ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid)

adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.

AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus)

adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um)

n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from

1. Having to suck the nozzle, or
2. squirting himself in the eye.

BURGACIDE (burg' uh side)

n.. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.

BUZZACKS (buz' aks)

n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.

CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun)

n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

DIMP (dimp)

N. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt')

v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will `remove' all the germs.

ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma)

n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.

EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz)

n.. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.

ELBONICS (el bon' iks)

n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun)

n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

FRUST (frust)

n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun)

n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side.

NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see)

n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.

PEPPIER (pehp ee ay')

n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

PETONIC (peh ton' ik)

adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.

PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh)

n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

PUPKUS (pup' kus)

n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun)

n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

ATLANTA (KRT) -- And now for NBC's impression of the Olympics on TV:

TRUMPETS: BOM! BOM! BOM-BOM BOM BOM BOM!

BOB COSTAS: Good evening, and as you can tell by the sound of the Olympic Theme Song that we play almost as much as we show Kerri Strug's historic vault, it's time for our broadcast of The Recently Videotaped Olympic Games Featuring Americans. We're going to start by taking you right to the track-and-field stadium, where the men's 100-meter dash is about to get under way, despite the fact that it actually happened four hours ago.

TRACK COMMENTATOR: Bob, this promises to be an exciting race, featuring Americans.

COSTAS: And what are the obstacles that these Americans have overcome to create a Human Interest Factor for our broadcast?

TRACK COMMENTATOR: Bob, from left to right, they have overcome psoriasis, vertigo and a bad allergy to vinaigrette dressing.

COSTAS: We'll come back to the men's 100-meter final, but right now we're going to replay the video of Kerri Strug, an American, overcoming her ankle to make her courageous vault.

(Kerri Strug vaults.)

COSTAS: What a human moment! Time for a commercial.

ANNOUNCER: We're IBM. We're a giant corporation with vast computer expertise. That's why we're in charge of keeping track of all the statistics for these, the Olympic Games of 1953. Thank you.

BOM! BOM! BOMBOM BOM BOM BOM!

COSTAS: Now we're going to take you to women's beach volleyball, where the sun is shining brightly despite the fact that it is now 10:37 p.m. on the East Coast.

BEACH VOLLEYBALL COMMENTATOR: Thanks, Bob. This is Holly McPeak, an American, and as you can see in this digitized, computer-enhanced, ultra-slow-motion Beach Cam closeup shot, she has overcome cellulite.

COSTAS: I'll say. When is she going to serve?

BEACH VOLLEYBALL COMMENTATOR: She'll be serving in about 4 seconds, Bob.

COSTAS: I'm sorry, but we don't have that kind of time, because we need to show this Heartwarming Moment.

(Kerri Strug vaults.)

COSTAS: Now let's go out to the cycling competition, where I believe we have a race involving an American.

CYCLING COMMENTATOR: That is correct, Bob. We have an American shown here pedaling furiously in 637th place, with a solid chance to move up to 636th.

COSTAS: What obstacle has this American overcome?

CYCLING COMMENTATOR: Bob, he is overcoming one hellacious case of hemorrhoids.

COSTAS: We'll have more on that exciting cycling race, but right now we're going to return to the Olympic track stadium for an update on the men's 100-meter dash.

TRACK COMMENTATOR: Bob, the race started about two seconds ago and should be over in about eight more seconds. None of the Americans has fallen down.

COSTAS: We're going to break away from the men's 100-meter dash at this point, but we will be covering it throughout the course of the evening. Right now, however, we want you to see this moment, captured by our NBC cameras.

(Kerri Strug vaults.)

COSTAS: Now let's head out to the pool to check on the progress of the American swimmers, all of whom have overcome asthma.

SWIMMING COMMENTATOR: Bob, here we see an American swimmer winning a race. This happened earlier.

COSTAS: How much earlier?

SWIMMING COMMENTATOR: Twenty-four years, Bob. This is Mark Spitz.

COSTAS: Time for this commercial.

ANNOUNCER: We're the Nike Corporation. We pay famous athletes millions of dollars to wear our shoes. Because of this, you, the public, pay absurdly high prices for these shoes. Is that stupid, or what? Thank you.

BOM! BOM! BOMBOM BOM BOM BOM!

(Kerri Strug vaults.)

COSTAS: OK, right now there are exciting live gold-medal competitions going on in archery, shooting, rowing, kayaking, table tennis, softball, volleyball, team handball and judo, so right now we're going to take you to beach volleyball, recorded earlier today.

BEACH VOLLEYBALL COMMENTATOR: Bob, as you can see, American Holly McPeak is bending over.

COSTAS: I'll say.

BOM! BOM! BOMBOM BOM BOM BOM!

(Kerri Strug vaults.)

Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me again, thinks the old rooster. I've got to do something about this. He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that henhouse over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy," said the young rooster.

So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster.

By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.

As he walks away slowly, he says to himself...

"Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

A man had been lost and wandering in the Chinese wilderness for three months. All he had to eat was what he could forage and was forced to sleep wherever he could find meager shelter.

One day he came upon an old farm house. In answer to his knock, an old Chinese gentleman asked "What do you want?".

"I have been lost in the wilderness for 3 months and have not had a decent meal or nights sleep in just as long. May I stay the night?"

The old man agreed under the condition that there be no messing with his granddaughter.

"I will cause you no trouble", the man said.

"That's very good" said the old man. "Because if I catch you with my granddaughter, you will suffer the three most severe Chinese tortures".

The granddaughter attended the evening meal and the man was awestruck by her beauty. Since he had been alone for so long and she had not been with a man in her life, they could hardly keep their eyes off each other during the meal.

Later that night the man crept into her room and they had a terrific time together. They were careful to be quiet lest they awaken the grandfather. Afterwards, the man returned to his room (on the third floor), and thought: "That marvellous experience made it worth enduring a thousand tortures." He then fell promptly asleep and had the best sleep in three months.

Upon awakening, he felt an incredible weight on his chest. He then realized that there was a 100 pound rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign that read: "1st Chinese Torture - 100 Pound Rock On Chest."

This is some lame torture thought the man as he carried it over to the window and threw it out. Then he noticed another sign on the bottom of the rock "2nd Chinese torture - Right Testicle Tied To Rock."

Knowing that it was too late to catch the rock, the man hurled himself out of the window after it. Passing through the window the man saw a third sign on the window ledge. "3rd Chinese torture - Left Testicle Tied To Bedpost".

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
51. Bring a water pistol. Soak everyone's shoes.
52. Start brushing off invisible bugs from your arms, screaming "Aaughh! Get them off!"
53. Challenge your neighbor to a "Tic-Tac-Toe" tournament.
54. Laugh hysterically for five seconds, stop, and glare at the other passengers like they are crazy.
55. Charge into the elevator dripping wet, holding a towel and wearing only a bath robe. Mutter something about how husbands/wives always come home early just when it's getting to the good part.
56. Make chalk drawings on the walls.
57. As the elevator is going up, jump violently up and down, shouting "Down! I said down, dammit!"
58. Crouch in one corner and growl menacingly at everyone who gets on.
59. Try to get a game of "Twister" going.
60. Wrinkle your nose and smell the air repeatedly. Sniff at your neighbor suspiciously, give a disgusted frown, and take a step away.

665.95

Retail price of the Beast

624.95

Woolworth's price of the Beast

667

Neighbour of the Beast

A666

Highway of the Beast

AD666

Year of the Beast

666.0125739227

Pentium Number of the Beast

-rw-rw-rw-

File Permissions of the Beast

29A

Hexadecimal beast

1010011010

Binary beast

PPP

Reflection of the beast (about horizontal axis)

ddd

Reflection of the beast (about vertical axis)

999

Rotation of the beast

x^666

Power of the beast

666i

Imaginary beast

tan(666)*cos(666)

Sine of the beast

minus infinity

Number of the least

090

Number of the east

665.999

Approximate number of the Beast.

DCLXVI

Roman numeral of the Beast.

666.0000

Number of the High Precision Beast.

0.666

Number of the Milibeast.

/ 666

Beast Common Denominator.

???

Forgettable Beast.

0.001501501501502

Reciprocating Beast.

443556

Squared Beast.

670

Rounded Beast.

25.80697580113

Beast - the (square) root of all evil.

6 6 6

Spaced-out Beast.

667

One-upmanship Beast.

666ohm

Highly Resistant Beast.

999

Dead beast

1. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
5. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies In House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops Off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe
21. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
23. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found By Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited After 5 Years In Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 3 Years
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $3000 in '84
30. War Dims Hope For Peace
31. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 3500
36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Needy
42. Arson Suspect Is Held In Massachusetts Fire
43. British Union Finds Dwarves In Short Supply
44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing
50. Air Head Fired
51. Steals Clock, Faces Time
52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
53. Old School Pillars are Replaced By Alumni
54. Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board
55. Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
56. Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction
57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
58. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

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