Canonical List of Fulldeckisms

A compendium of insults and "not all there" comments from various sources, beginning with rec.humor, April 1987.

Criteria: Humorousness; uniqueness of essence (minimize redundancy); brevity; consistency; avoid gender bias, ethnic slurs, and other really offensive material; keep in sorted order with correct spelling and grammar.

A B C D E F G H I J K L

M N O P Q R S T U V W Z

• "Body by Fisher -- brains by Mattel."
• $HOME = /dev/null.
• 3K RAM free, no EMS.
• A .22 caliber intellect in a .357 Magnum world.
• A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth.
• A 20th century man... The guy has no future.
• A 3.5-inch drive, but data on punch cards.
• A black-and-white mind working on a color-coded problem.
• A brain like a BB in a boxcar / box of Corn Flakes.
• A butter knife in a prime rib world.
• A day late and a dollar short.
• A deadbolt with a broken cylinder.
• A flash of light, a cloud of dust, and... What was the question?
• A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
• A hop, skip, and jump from success, but to get there he'd have to give up chewing gum.
• A kangaroo loose in her top paddock.
• A lap behind the field.
• A legend in his own mind.
• A little light in his loafers. (Apparently offensive to some? Sorry.)
• A looney tune.
• A medical mystery.
• A mental midget with the IQ of a fencepost. -- Tom Waits
• A mind as empty as the sleeping pill concession at a honeymoon hotel.
• A mind like wet tennis shoes... Makes squishy noises when running.
• A modest little person, with much to be modest about. -- Churchill
• A natural talent for finding subliminal messages in ice cubes.
• A Neanderthal brain in a Cro-Magnon body.
• A notch off the timing mark.
• A one-bit brain with a parity error.
• A pacifist out of necessity in a battle of wits.
• A peripheral visionary.
• A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
• A poor excuse for protoplasm.
• A prime candidate for natural deselection.
• A quart low.
• A return with no gosub.
• A room temperature IQ.
• A semitone flat on the high notes.
• A square with only three sides.
• A teapot with a cracked lid.
• A titanic intellect... In a world full of icebergs.
• A vacuum-tube brain in a microchip world.
• A VGA card and a Herc monitor.
• A victim of retroactive birth control.
• A violin minus the bow.
• A walking argument for birth control.
• A wind-up clock without a key.
• About half smart.
• Afraid she'll void her warranty if she thinks too much.
• Airhead / bubble-brain.
• Aliens zapped him with a stupidity ray -- twice.
• All booster, no payload.
• All crown, no filling.
• All foam, no beer.
• All hammer, no nail.
• All hat and no cattle.
• All he remembers about his middle name is the first letter.
• All his eggs in the same basket.
• All his learning curves look like Mount Everest.
• All icing, no cake.
• All lime and salt, no tequila.
• All missile, no warhead.
• All of his bytes are odd.
• All shot, no powder.
• All the lights don't shine in her marquee.
• All the personality of linoleum flooring / plasticene / putty / caulking / saran wrap / a bowl of oatmeal / a plastic spoon.
• All the sex appeal of a wet paper bag.
• All wax and no wick.
• Alphabetizes junk mail / T-shirts / canonical lists.
• Always in the right place, but at the wrong time.
• Always loses battles of wits because he's unarmed.
• Always needs to have jokes explained.
• Always responds to "Make Money Fast" postings on the Net.
• Always sharpening his sleeping skills.
• Always speaks her mind, so usually she's speechless.
• An 8080 in a 68000 environment.
• An alligator. (All mouth, no ears.)
• An Apple //e on UUCP.
• An early example of the Peter Principle.
• An ego like a black hole.
• An example of how the dinosaurs survived for millions of years with walnut sized brains.
• An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
• An expert on the historical significance of cottage cheese.
• An inch short and a stroke early.
• An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
• An XT clone in a Pentium zone.
• Ano-fossal ambiguity. (Can't tell his ass from a hole in the ground.)
• Another engineering prototype that should not have been shipped.
• Answers the door when the phone rings.
• Any similarity between him and a human being is purely coincidental.
• Any slower and he'd be in reverse. -- Gignac
• As a baby his parents stood him on his soft spot.
• As bent as a corkscrew.
• As bright as a nightlight / small appliance bulb / tulip bulb.
• As focused as a fart.
• As happy as if he had brains.
• As happy as the village idiot.
• As much use as a back pocket in a vest. (Very English.)
• As much use as a lead parachute.
• As popular as a French kiss at a family reunion.
• As quick as a corpse.
• As rare as a nine bob note. (Very English.)
• As sharp as a marble / bowling ball / beachball / pin head / wet sponge / bowl of Jello / mashed potato sandwich, and twice as smart.
• As sharp as a bag of wet mice. -- Foghorn Leghorn
• As smart as a politician/lawyer is honest.
• As smart as bait / an automatic email responder script.
• As smart as Christie Brinkley is ugly.
• As thick as champ. (Irish; champ is mostly mashed spuds and cabbage.)
• As thick as two short planks / two half bricks.
• As worn out as a cucumber in a convent.
• Attic's a little dusty.
• Back burners not fully operating.
• Bad spot on the disk.
• Baler done run out of twine.
• Bandwidth limited.
• Barney's his hero.
• Bats have flown the belfry, and now he's all alone.
• Bats in the belfry.
• Batteries not included.
• Been napping in front of the ion shield again.
• Been one too many times through the wormhole.
• Been playing with his wand too much.
• Been playing with the pharmacy section again.
• Been short on oxygen one time too many.
• Been using her head as a mass driver.
• Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.
• Blew his O-rings.
• Blew the hatch before the lock sealed.
• Blocked one too many hockey pucks / soccer balls / punches with his head.
• Blown/leaking head gasket.
• Born a day late and like that ever since.
• Born during low tide in / swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool.
• Born too late -- he'd have been a great Neandertal.
• Born ugly and built to last.
• Both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat.
• Brain is running on empty.
• Brain like a hard drive with no read/write head.
• Brain permanently in power saving / 8-bit mode.
• Brain transplant donor.
• Bright as a Zippo lighter without a flint.
• Bright as Alaska in December.
• Bright as an acetylene torch -- without an oxygen supply.
• Brings binoculars to submarine races.
• Broadcasts static.
• Bubbles/leaks in her think tank.
• Buddy breathing with himself. (SCUBA term.)
• Built a special showcase for his herd of pet rocks.
• Busier than a one-armed paper hanger.
• Busy as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.
• Caboose seems to be pulling the engine.
• Cackles a lot, but I ain't seen no eggs yet.
• Calling her stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
• Calling him a pea brain would be an undeserved compliment.
• Calls people to ask them their phone number.
• Can be outwitted by a jar of Marshmallow Fluff.
• Can discern facts and form predictions with the acumen of an economist.
• Can easily be confused with facts.
• Can only remember her old passwords.
• Can only shoot pool with a left-handed cue stick.
• Can't count his balls and get the same answer twice.
• Can't distinguish jacking off and stropping a razor.
• Can't find his ass with two hands and a periscope/compass/flashlight/ bloodhound/GPS receiver (in a locked closet).
• Can't find his couch in the living room.
• Can't find log base two of 65536 without a calculator.
• Can't program his way out of a for-loop.
• Car's only got three wheels, and one's going flat.
• Carrier wave unmodulated.
• Carries a tire gauge in her purse.
• Cart can't hold all the groceries.
• Cauliflower for brains.
• Changes hands and picks up a stroke.
• Charming as a carbuncle.
• Cheats when filling out opinion polls.
• Cheezwiz for brains.
• Chimney's clogged.
• Clock doesn't have all its numbers.
• Colder than a well-digger's ass in the Klondike.
• Collects cards for Craig.
• Communications with him is limited to ping.
• Confused as a baby in a topless bar.
• Consumes hard drugs as vitamins.
• Contributes to collections like this one without searching first to see if their little gem is already listed.
• Contributes to the population problem.
• Could be considered a plant if he developed photrophic motility.
• Could only be loved/missed if the minister read someone else's eulogy.
• Couldn't balance a checkbook if Einstein helped.
• Couldn't be shown that his ass was on fire with a flashlight and a three-way mirror.
• Couldn't count to 21 if he were barefoot and without pants.
• Couldn't figure it out if God gave him the instruction manual.
• Couldn't find his way through a maze even if the rats helped him.
• Couldn't get a clue during clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if he smeared his body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.
• Couldn't get laid if he crawled up a chicken's rear end and waited his turn.
• Couldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel.
• Couldn't hit the broad side of a barn if he were standing inside.
• Couldn't hit water if he fell out of a boat.
• Couldn't organize a piss-up in a brewery. (Common in Australia.)
• Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
• Couldn't tell which way the elevator was going if he had two guesses.
• Couldn't think/pee his way out of a paper bag.
• Couldn't write dialog for a porno flick.
• CPU is always in powersave mode.
• CPU not connected to the bus.
• Cranial cavity filled with neutronic matter. (Really dense.)
• Cranio-rectally inverted.
• Cunning as a dodo bird.
• Cursor's flashing but there's no response.
• Dealing with him is less fun than going to the dentist.
• Dealing with him is one angst worse than a blind date.
• Deep as her dimples / reflection in a mirror.
• Defective hard drive / boot sector.
• Dense as a London fog.
• Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.
• Differently clued. -- Dave Clark
• Dock doesn't quite reach the water.
• Does aerobics... in his head.
• Does everything the hard way, like making love standing up in a hammock.
• Doesn't adjust for leap years.
• Doesn't consider his drive a slice unless it lands two fairways over.
• Doesn't have a fart's prayer in a hurricane.
• Doesn't have a round in every chamber.
• Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
• Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash / cups in the cupboard / groceries in the same bag.
• Doesn't have all the dots on his dice / pens in her plotter.
• Doesn't have both oars in the water -- can't even find the damn boat.
• Doesn't have elastic in both of his socks.
• Doesn't have his belt through all the loops.
• Doesn't have sixteen annas to the rupee.
• Doesn't have the brain power to toast a crouton.
• Doesn't have the sense God gave an animal cracker.
• Doesn't have two neurons to rub together.
• Doesn't just know nothing; doesn't even suspect much.
• Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. -- Billing
• Doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his balls.
• Doesn't know which side the toast is buttered on.
• Doesn't put the cross-hairs on the target.
• Doesn't quite sample at the Nyquist rate.
• Doesn't suffer from ear pressure when flying at altitude.
• Donated her body to science fiction.
• Donated her body to scientists... Before she was done using it.
• Downhill skiing in Iowa.
• Driveway doesn't quite reach the garage.
• Driving at night with the lights off.
• Driving with his tailgate down (and stuff is falling out).
• Driving with two wheels in the sand.
• Dropped his second stage too soon.
• Dumb as asphalt / dirt / a mud fence / a stump / a sack of hammers.
• Dumber than a chicken / box of hair/rocks.
• During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
• Ears are redirected to /dev/null.
• Easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing.
• Echoes between the ears.
• Eight pawns short of a gambit.
• Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor / penthouse.
• Elevator goes all the way to the top but the door doesn't open.
• Elevator is on the ground floor and he's pushing the Down button.
• End of season sale at the cerebral department. -- Gareth Blackstock
• Enjoys listening to telemarketers.
• Enough sawdust between the ears to bed an elephant.
• Even a two button mouse gives him too many options.
• Evidence for the theory of a missing link.
• Failed the Turing test.
• Fell out of the family tree.
• Fifty-one cards short of a full deck.
• Fighting the war with a starter pistol / water pistol / pop gun / cap gun.
• Finds a flat by swapping tires.
• Finds canonical humor collections amusing.
• Finds Sesame Street / knock-knock jokes challenging.
• Fired from McDonald's for having a short attention span.
• Fired her retro-rockets a little late.
• Flaky.
• Flat out like a lizard drinking.
• Flying on a cold shot. (Inadequate force from a steam catapult launch on an aircraft carrier.)
• Flying/landing on one engine.
• Focused like a 12 gauge shotgun.
• Fog rolled in the day he was born, and a bit of it never rolled out.
• Folds ace plus red jack hand when playing blackjack.
• For those who never forget a face, his is an exception.
• Foreign substances float in his cranial fluids.
• Forgot to pay his brain bill.
• Found his marbles, but is playing jacks with them.
• Four bits short of a full DEC.
• Four cents short of a nickel.
• Full of wisdumb.
• Full throttle, dry tank.
• Fur coat and no knickers. (Scottish expression.)
• Gasoline engine, diesel fuel.
• Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
• Gavel doesn't quite hit the bench.
• Gears grind/don't always mesh.
• Gets a charge out of pissing on electric fences.
• Gets her mail at an unknown zip code.
• Gets his orders from another planet.
• Gets hypnotized on the de-spun section.
• Gets parity errors under load.
• Gives a lot of bull for somebody what ain't got no cattle.
• Goalie for the dart team.
• God might still use him for miracle practice.
• God's favorite target for lightning strikes.
• Goes with the flow... He's a bed wetter.
• Good at quantum tunneling but not much else.
• Got a life, but wasn't sure what to do with it.
• Got his brains as a stocking stuffer.
• Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
• Guillotining him would make only an aesthetic difference.
• Gyros are loose.
• Habits explainable if he was raised by wolves.
• Had a head crash.
• Half a bubble off plumb. -- attributed to Mark Twain
• Happiness is seeing her picture on a milk carton.
• Hard to distinguish from the tail end of a horse.
• Hard to tell if he has an ace up his sleeve or if the ace is missing from his deck altogether.
• Has a bus fault problem.
• Has a face only a mother could love -- but she hates it too.
• Has a few wait states.
• Has a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold them together.
• Has a leak in his ceiling.
• Has a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express.
• Has a pulse, but that's about all.
• Has a random memory fault.
• Has a slow clock.
• Has a sparse matrix. (Beware, "matrix" comes from the Latin "womb".)
• Has a two-bit operating system.
• Has all her bricks, but no cement holding them together.
• Has all the brains God gave a duck's ass.
• Has an inferiority complex, but not a very good one.
• Has an IQ one lower than it takes to grunt.
• Has change for a seven dollar bill.
• Has FINO (first in never out) memory.
• Has his brain on cruise control again.
• Has his solar panels aimed at the moon.
• Has it floored in neutral.
• Has lots of books, but all he does is lick the ink off the pages.
• Has no discretionary intellect.
• Has no upper stage.
• Has nothing to say, but delights in saying it.
• Has only one chopstick in the chowmein.
• Has over 1000 funny insults saved in a file, but can't remember any of them.
• Has resonance where others have brains.
• Has signs on both ears saying "Space for Rent".
• Has so few thoughts that when he free associates, it's like watching tennis.
• Has the attention span of an overripe grapefruit.
• Has the brains of a house plant.
• Has the Grand Canyon under the crew cut.
• Has the IQ of a salad bar / an ice cube / three below houseplant.
• Has the keen awareness of an ostrich in hiding.
• Has the mental agility of a soap dish.
• Has the personality of a snail on Valium.
• Has the same talent as Dr. Doolittle.
• Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
• Hasn't caught on that X and Y are relative values.
• Hasn't got all his china in the cupboard.
• Hasn't got the brains God gave a cat.
• Hasn't lost his mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
• Having a party in his head, but no one else is invited.
• He came, he saw, he clutched.
• He can only type in upper case.
• He can push but he can't pop.
• He demonstrates that beauty times brains is a constant.
• He donated his brain to science but they made an early withdrawal.
• He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
• He has a bad brains-to-balls ratio.
• He hasn't a single redeeming vice. -- Oscar Wilde
• He knows computers... He's not fit for contact with humans.
• He writes blank checks on a closed account.
• He'd be in big trouble if his wristwatch broke and he had to
• He'd screw up a two-car funeral procession.
• He's a General Protection Fault trigger.
• He's a man on a mission, but can't find his dossier.
• He's been invited to every party in town... Once.
• He's diagnosable.
• He's not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.
• He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.
• He's really into himself... His head is up his ass.
• He's so dense, light bends around him.
• He's so dense, the Titanic wouldn't sink in his head.
• Hears everything that a dog can.
• Hears more lyrics on records when they're played backwards.
• Her access time approaches infinity.
• Her ancestors came to this country looking for bananas.
• Her ass is sucking swamp gas.
• Her blender doesn't go past "mix".
• Her brain comes with single-bit error detection and half-assed error correction.
• Her brain has a corrupted filesystem / someone needs to run fsck on her brain.
• Her brain is more like a Rube Goldberg device than a computer.
• Her cache is incoherent.
• Her dentist went deaf from the drill's echoes.
• Her dialing thumb must be broken.
• Her ears serve the same function as holes in a dribble glass.
• Her files are compressed 100%.
• Her finals are burned out.
• Her head needs a periodic whack on the side.
• Her input pipe is broken.
• Her interrupt handler hit a loop.
• Her leads need resoldering.
• Her learning curve is fractal.
• Her lint trap is full.
• Her lists are unlinked.
• Her memory is truly random-access.
• Her mental function can be graphed with a single dot.
• Her mere presence causes parity errors, power fails, and head crashes.
• Her mind is not grounded to a logic supply.
• Her mind might have spontaneously combusted.
• Her mind would be unstable even mounted on a tripod.
• Her modem lights are on but there's no carrier.
• Her objects are not fully oriented.
• Her phone doesn't quite reach her desk.
• Her pool balls don't fit into the rack.
• Her random access is the same as her sequential access.
• Her sewing machine's been out of thread for some time now.
• Her ski lift doesn't go to the top of the hill.
• Her stack has been corrupted.
• Her synapses are about |that| far apart.
• Her system file has zero bytes.
• Her tires are a little low.
• Her wipers don't touch the glass.
• Her word length is zero bits.
• Hid behind the door when they passed out brains.
• High relative humidity... He's lost in a fog.
• His .sig is long, boring, and stupid, but it's the best part of his postings.
• His access light's on, but the drive isn't spinning / is still spinning up.
• His accumulator overflows at zero.
• His actual mileage varies.
• His antenna/radio doesn't pick up all the channels/stations.
• His boot block is in a bad sector.
• His brackets are mismatched.
• His brain could be the perfect dielectric.
• His brain was sold separately and they were out of stock.
• His brain would rattle around in a gnat's navel.
• His buffer is full.
• His clutch is slipping.
• His data bus stops for red lights.
• His deck has no face cards.
• His elevator is stuck between floors.
• His face is on a coin... On the edge.
• His family wasn't dysfunctional until he arrived.
• His freelist is empty.
• His future is behind schedule. -- Bob Thaves
• His gene line isn't just dead, it's extinct.
• His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons. -- Robin Williams
• His grades were so bad, after school he couldn't even get into prison. -- Shannon Sharpe
• His grey matter is brown / doesn't matter.
• His head whistles in a cross wind.
• His home page is out of order.
• His home planet is flat.
• His IQ is a false positive.
• His jack can't get the car off the ground.
• His mind is a few Hertz off its assigned frequency.
• His mind is great at error magnification.
• His mind is less substantial than the Emperor's new clothes.
• His mind is on vacation but his mouth is working overtime. -- Allision
• His mind is write-protected/write-only.
• His mind reached escape velocity and achieved orbit.
• His mind wandered and never came back.
• His motto is: Space, the final frontier.
• His mouth rarely makes calls to his brain.
• His outgoing message starts with, "Hello, Mr. Answering Machine."
• His page was intentionally left blank.
• His picture is in the dictionary under "zero".
• His pointers are null/uninitialized.
• His puzzle is missing a few pieces.
• His reaction time is longer than his attention span. -- Thaves
• His root file system isn't mounted.
• His seat back is not in the full upright and locked position.
• His shared libraries aren't installed.
• His signal-to-noise ratio is epsilon.
• His spark can't jump the gap.
• His spirit guide is a three-toed sloth.
• His stack's not very deep / he has an eight-byte stack.
• His strings aren't null-terminated.
• His strip is demagnetized.
• His system administrator is never in.
• His train tracks aren't quite parallel.
• His URL denies outside access.
• His watch dog is sleeping.
• His wisdom is stolen from bumper-stickers and T-shirts.
• Hitler's evil twin.
• Hyperspatially interconnected / permanently disconnected neural net.
• Hypnotized as a child and couldn't be woken.
• I wouldn't piss in his ear if his brain was on fire.
• I'd like to buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he's worth.
• If brains were bird droppings, he'd have a clean cage.
• If brains were dynamite, she wouldn't have enough to blow her nose / her hat off / the wax out of her ears.
• If brains were farts, he couldn't stink up the inside of a matchbox.
• If brains were gasoline, he wouldn't have enough to drive a dinky car around the inside of a cheerio.
• If brains were grains of sand, he couldn't fill a dixie cup.
• If brains were lard, he'd be hard pressed to grease a small pan.
• If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
• If brains were water, hers wouldn't be enough to baptize a flea.
• If God tried to help him, we'd have an eight day week.
• If he didn't exist, he wouldn't be worth inventing.
• If he donated his brain to science it'd set civilization back 50 years.
• If he gets any denser, the geocentric theory of the universe will come true.
• If he had a lobotomy he'd depressurize.
• If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
• If he had brains, he'd take them out and play with them.
• If he had console lights, we would see only the idle loop patterns.
• If he had half a brain, his ass would be lopsided.
• If he were any brighter he'd be in the visible spectrum.
• If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
• If her brains were put in a hummingbird, it would fly backwards.
• If his brain were a hard drive, it would back up on a single floppy.
• If his brains were money, he'd still be in debt.
• If his IQ was two points higher he'd be a rock.
• If ignorance were bliss, she'd be orgasmic.
• If it's not in his horoscope/tea leaves, he doesn't take it seriously.
• If not for his scrotum, he would lose his balls.
• If sex appeal were dynamite, he couldn't blow the cobwebs off his balls.
• If she had a disk we could upgrade her with DOS 3.0.
• If she was any dumber, she'd be a green plant.
• If stupidity were a crime, he'd be number one on the Most Wanted list.
• If the government ever declared war on stupidity, he'd get nuked.
• If there were a merciful God he'd be dead by now.
• If they each had half a brain, they'd still only have half a brain.
• If they knock heads, implosion will suck all the air out of the room.
• If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.
• If wit were shit, he'd be constipated.
• If you called him a wit, you'd be half right.
• If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.
• If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
• Ignorant, and proud of it.
• Immune from any serious head injury.
• Immune to caffeine and all other stimulants.
• In a tub of Preparation H, he'd shrink down to thumb size.
• In his optimum environment, he'd be locked in a life and death struggle with mushrooms.
• In line for brains, thought they said pains, and said, "No, thanks".
• In line for brains, thought they said were handing out milkshakes, and he asked for "extra thick."
• In need of a ROM upgrade.
• In serious need of attitude adjustment.
• In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy store.
• In touch with her higher power, but out of touch with the rest of us.
• Includes a "thank you" note with her tax returns.
• Infinite space between her ears.
• Informationally deprived.
• Inhabits her own private timezone.
• Inspected by #13.
• Inspired the slogan, "A mind is a terrible thing to waste."
• Intellectually/synaptically challenged.
• Invented a pencil with an eraser on each end.
• Invented a submarine with a screen door.
• IQ = dx / (1 + dx), where x = age.
• IQ lower than a snake's belly in a wagon-rut.
• It's hard to believe he beat 100,000 other sperm.
• Just another flash in the bedpan.
• Keeps his imagination on a long leash.
• Kept an open mind -- and his brains fell out.
• Keywords: generalizations clue get
• Knitting with only one needle.
• Knows his sports, but his understanding is limited to violence.
• Landing with his gear/brain up and locked.
• Leaky sunroof.
• Left hand threaded.
• Left his booster on the launch pad.
• Left the store without all of his groceries.
• Leveled off before reaching altitude.
• Life by Norman Rockwell, but screenplay by Stephen King.
• Lightbulb over his head is burned out.
• Lights are on but nobody's home.
• Lights not burning too bright.
• Like a barometer -- vacuum at the top.
• Like a loose-leaf folder in winter.
• Like a one-armed man climbing a rope.
• Likes dunking for french fries.
• Little red choo-choo's gone chugging 'round the bend / jumped the track.
• Lives in La-la-land.
• Lives in the same world, but a different universe.
• Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum.
• Long on dry wall, short on studs.
• Looking for a nickel in the corner of a circular room.
• Looks for the "Any" key.
• Looks just like Bill Gates.
• Loose chip on the microprocessor board.
• Loose wire to his headset/ringer.
• Lost his marbles.
• Low on thinking gas.
• Low-bandwidth as an information source.
• Lugnuts rattling in the hubcaps.
• Made a career out of mid-life crisis.
• Mainspring's wound too tight.
• Makes a black hole look bright.
• Makes predictions that make weathermen/economists look good.
• Memorized every Dr. Seuss story written.
• Mental software is Version 1.0 / still in beta test.
• Mentally qualified for handicapped parking.
• Metronome needs oil.
• Might still be a virgin except for what nature did to her mind.
• Mind like a steel sieve.
• Mind like a steel trap -- everything gets mangled / full of mice / nothing in, nothing out / rusted shut.
• Missed her last four scheduled tune-ups.
• Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
• Missing a few catalog cards / gears / marbles.
• Missing a layer of insulation in his attic.
• Monorail doesn't go all the way to Tomorrowland.
• Mooring lines don't reach the dock.
• More marbles in a spray-paint can than brains in his head.
• Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral.
• Moves his lips to pretend he's reading.
• Must have ignored a knock-down pitch.
• Nearly on a higher plane, but lost his boarding pass.
• Needs a checkup from the neck up.
• Needs another brain to make half-wit.
• Needs both hands to wipe his behind.
• Needs front end alignment.
• Needs his disk checked/reformatted.
• Needs his sleeves lengthened by a couple of feet so they can be tied in the back.
• Network constantly loses packets.
• Neurons are firing non-sequentially.
• Never finishes a thoug
• Never had a headcold in her life since diseases can't exist in a vacuum.
• Never misses an episode of her screen-saver.
• Next-day delivery in a nanosecond world. -- Van Jacobson
• Nice house but not much furniture / nobody lives there.
• Nine pence in the shilling.
• Nine rooms; no furniture.
• Nineteen cents short of a paradigm.
• No bubble in his gauge. (Refers to a submarine dive gauge.)
• No charge in her synapses.
• No coins in the old fountain.
• No filter in the coffeemaker.
• No grain in the silo.
• No hands on the rudder/yoke.
• No hay in the loft.
• No one at the throttle.
• No salt in his socks. (Land-lubber or green sailor.)
• No tar in his hemp. (Tar preserves a hemp (marijuana) line; this phrase means one has been smoking his rope.)
• No wind in her mind's windmills.
• Not all his dogs are barking.
• Not an idiot, but plays one in his life.
• Not as dumb as he looks, but that would be impossible.
• Not digging in the same ditch with the rest of us.
• Not done evolving yet.
• Not enough brain cells for the Prozac to be effective.
• Not enough brains to get anywhere NEAR the gutter.
• Not enough change to break a dollar/pound/deutschmark/yen.
• Not enough sense to come in out of the rain.
• Not enough sense to stay out in the rain. (Like a 60's flower child.)
• Not firing on all four/six/eight cylinders.
• Not firmly seated in the socket / screwed in tight.
• Not hard-docked.
• Not inflated to 90 PSI.
• Not Intel Inside. (Or, given Pentium problems, just: Intel inside.)
• Not much to show for four billion years of evolution.
• Not only rude, but ugly too.
• Not playing with / dealing from a full deck (-- not even in the game).
• Not running on full thrusters.
• Not shooting pool on a level table.
• Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree / light in the harbor.
• Not the full quid.
• Not the same since they took him off his medication.
• Not the sharpest knife in the drawer / tool in the shed / nail in the box.
• Not Turing equivalent.
• Not worth henshit on a pump handle.
• Not worth pissin' on.
• Not wrapped too tight.
• Nothing between the stethoscopes.
• Nothing on her radar.
• Numb as a post / pounded thumb.
• Number 'n a hake. (New England expression; a notoriously stupid fish.)
• Nutty as a fruitcake.
• Off by one.
• Off his rocker/trolley.
• Oil doesn't reach his dipstick.
• On permanent/unexcused leave of absence from his senses.
• On the batting end of a no-hitter.
• One bead short in her rosary.
• One bean short of chili.
• One beer short of a six-pack / a six-pack short of a case.
• One bird short of a flock.
• One bit short of a byte/word.
• One block short of a filesystem.
• One board short of a porch.
• One bomb/melon short of a full load.
• One boot stuck in the sand.
• One brick short of a wall/hod/load/pile.
• One bumper/rail short of a bank shot.
• One bun/donut short of a dozen.
• One car short of a chase scene.
• One card/marble short of a full deck.
• One chapter short of a novel.
• One chicken short of a henhouse.
• One chip short of a cookie.
• One chip short of a megabyte.
• One clearance short of landing/taking off.
• One clown short of a circus.
• One clue short of a solution.
• One cold solder joint.
• One color short of color-coordinated.
• One couplet short of a sonnet.
• One cup and saucer short of a place setting.
• One cylinder short of a full re-format.
• One diamond short of a ring.
• One dimension short of reality.
• One doughnut short of being a cop.
• One drool bib short of neat and tidy.
• One drop short of an empty bladder.
• One ear short of a bushel.
• One feather short of a whole duck.
• One fish short of a string.
• One flower short of an arrangement.
• One flying buttress short of a cathedral.
• One foot in the future, one foot in the past, pissing on the present.
• One french fry / hamburger short of a Happy Meal.
• One Froot Loop short of a full bowl.
• One fruit short of a basket.
• One gene short of a full chromosome.
• One goose short of a gaggle.
• One guppy short of an aquarium.
• One handle short of a suitcase.
• One hot pepper short of an enchilada.
• One inch short of a foot/yard.
• One inspection short of passing.
• One kernel short of an ear.
• One kopek short of a ruble.
• One link short of a chain.
• One live brain cell away from being a talking monkey.
• One measure short of a staff.
• One miracle short of being where he thinks he's at.
• One miracle wouldn't be enough to help him.
• One node short of a network.
• One nut short of a full pouch.
• One of the early failures of electroshock therapy.
• One open splice.
• One pancake short of a stack.
• One pane short of a window.
• One pea short of a pod/casserole.
• One pearl short of a necklace.
• One pickle short of a jar.
• One pie short of a holiday.
• One plane short of an Air Force / hangar.
• One point short of a polygon.
• One prayer short of absolution.
• One press short of a CAPS LOCK key. (Types all uppercase.)
• One punch/swing/hit short of a fight.
• One revision behind.
• One sandwich/apple/ant short of a picnic.
• One saucer short of a tea-service.
• One scallop short of a seafood platter.
• One screw loose.
• One sentence short of a paragraph.
• One shade short of a rainbow.
• One sheep short of a sweater.
• One shingle short of a roof, and the water's getting in.
• One ship short of a full fleet.
• One shot short of a chain. (Shot is a section of anchor chain.)
• One shot short of a locker. (Shot is ammunition; a locker is where it's stored.)
• One shrimp short of a barbie.
• One side short of a pentagon.
• One signature short of a book.
• One slate short of a full roof.
• One sleeve/button short of a shirt.
• One snowflake short of a ski slope.
• One sock short of a pair.
• One song short of a musical.
• One span short of a bridge.
• One spoon short of a full set.
• One steering wheel / bolt short of a Yugo.
• One step short of the attic.
• One straw short of a bale.
• One strawberry short of a quart.
• One strike past being called out.
• One sub short of a party platter.
• One suit short of a full deck. (A half-wit.)
• One taco/enchilada short of a combination plate.
• One teabag short of a pot.
• One tilde short of a full URL.
• One tile missing from his space shuttle.
• One tile short of a successful re-entry.
• One too many lights out in his Christmas tree.
• One tower short of a castle.
• One tree short of a hammock.
• One vine short of the tree. (For Tarzan types.)
• One volt below threshold.
• One weight short of a shipwreck.
• One yard short of the hole.
• Only one oar in the water.
• Only playing with 51 cards.
• Only playing with the jokers.
• Operating in stand-by mode.
• Ought to have a warning label on his forehead.
• Out there where the buses don't run.
• Outlet isn't grounded.
• Over the rainbow.
• Overdue for reincarnation.
• Overruns above 110 baud.
• Paged/swapped out.
• Paralyzed from the neck up.
• Parents beat him with an ugly stick.
• Parked his head and forgot where he left it.
• Pedaling real fast, but not getting anywhere.
• People around her are at risk of second hand idiocy.
• Perfect chassis, bad driver.
• Perfect face for Halloween.
• Perfect percussionist for an acapella group (duh, duh, duh...)
• Perfect training subject for apprentice hypnotists.
• Permanently out to lunch.
• Permanently rotated 90 degrees from the rest of us.
• Phototrophic on a better day.
• Pins 2 and 3 (RS-232) permanently connected to ground.
• Playing an endgame with a king and no other pieces.
• Playing baseball with a rubber bat.
• Playing hockey with a warped puck.
• Playing Scrabble, but we can't figure out what words he's building.
• Plays pinochle with a poker deck.
• Plays solitaire... For cash.
• Plays tennis with no net and finds it challenging.
• Plenty of myelin but not enough neurons.
• Plenty of salt in the shaker, but no holes in the cap.
• Posts empty articles to the Net, and enjoys rereading them later.
• Prefers three left turns to one right turn.
• Pressure's up, but there's a slow leak somewhere.
• Produces a zero-length core dump.
• Proof God did die back in the 60s.
• Proof God has a sense of humor.
• Proof of Einstein's theory that there is no limit to human stupidity.
• Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
• Put a lens in each ear and you've got a telescope.
• Puts a finger in his ear so the draft through his head isn't annoying.
• Putting his brain on the edge of a razor blade would be like putting a pea on a six lane highway.
• Qualifies for the mental express line -- five thoughts or less. -- MacNelly
• Quotes entire letters/articles as responses and hides her one line of wisdom in the middle.
• Racing fifty yards with a pregnant woman, he'd come in third.
• Reading from an empty/blank/unformatted disk.
• Reads her newspaper back-to-front.
• Reads Homer in the original Greek, but doesn't know Greek.
• Ready to check in at the HaHa Hilton.
• Ready to join the Anti-Mensa Society.
• Receiver is off the hook.
• Relatively three-dimensional, as fictional characters go.
• Renewable energy source for hot air balloons.
• Reposts this list when someone asks for it, but it's an old copy.
• Reset line is glitching.
• Result of a first cousin marriage.
• Result of God's experiments to see if humans can function without a brain.
• Room for rent, unfurnished.
• RS232C brain with a DIN connector.
• Running at 300 baud.
• Running on a 286.
• Running open. (Old mechanical teletype term.)
• Running U.S. appliances on British current.
• Runs squares around the competition.
• Rusty springs in the mousetrap.
• S p a c e d o u t .
• Sailboat fuel for brains.
• Sailing with a short seabag / a few skivvies short of a seabag. (Contains all of a sailor's possessions including underwear.)
• Sat under the ozone hole too long.
• Sending back packets, but the checksums are wrong.
• Serving donuts on another planet.
• Settled some during shipping and handling.
• Seven cans short of a six-pack.
• Seven seconds behind, and built to stay that way.
• Several nuts over fruitcake minimum.
• Sharp, like stone in river. Swift, like tree through forest.
• She can piss standing up, but not much else.
• She doesn't suffer from insanity; she enjoys every minute of it.
• She fears success, but really has nothing to worry about. -- Thaves
• She only packed half a sandwich.
• She only schedules zombie processes.
• She wears a pony tail to cover up the valve stem.
• She worries about the calories licking stamps and envelopes.
• She'll be just fine as soon as virtual reality arrives.
• She's a screensaver: Looks good, but useless.
• Short a few cards.
• Short-circuited between the earphones.
• Should be the poster child for family planning.
• Should have kept his helmet on while riding/playing.
• Single-sided, low density.
• Sitting in the right pew, but the wrong church.
• Skating on the wrong side of the ice.
• Skylight leaks a little.
• Slept too close to his radium-dial watch.
• Slinky's kinked.
• Sloppy as a soup sandwich.
• Slow as molasses in January.
• Slow out of the gate.
• Smarter than the average bear.
• Smoke doesn't make it to the top of his chimney.
• So boring, his dreams have Muzak.
• So clueless, he could BE God and still be an atheist.
• So dim, his psychic carries a flashlight.
• So dumb, blondes tell jokes about him.
• So dumb, he faxes face up.
• So dumb, his dog teaches him tricks.
• So far gone, hard drugs push him closer to normal.
• So fat, people jump over him rather than go around.
• So slow, he has to speed up to stop.
• So slow, we drive stakes in the ground to measure his progress.
• So stupid, he tries to drown fish.
• So stupid, mind readers charge her half price.
• So ugly, robbers give him their masks to wear.
• Solid concrete from the eyebrows backwards.
• Some Assembly Required.
• Some bugs in his software.
• Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
• Some of her inodes have nodded off.
• Some pages missing.
• Somebody lend her a quarter to buy a clue.
• Somebody put a stop payment order on his reality check.
• Someday when she's younger, she'll ________.
• Someone blew out his pilot light.
• Someone else is doing the driving for that boy.
• Someone let the air out of her lock.
• Sort of like an inverse Einstein.
• Source code is missing a few lines.
• Speaks math/FORTRAN better than English.
• Spent a decade on the leading edge of drug experimentation.
• Still boots to DOS.
• Still sending messages with his secret decoder ring.
• Still traumatized from the forest fire in "Bambi".
• Stocksy-babes. (A truly vile British-slang insult.)
• Strong, like bull. Smart, like tractor. Beautiful, like KV-2. (A WWII era Russian tank.)
• Stuck on the down escalator of life.
• Stumped by anything child-proof.
• Subtle as a well-thrown brick.
• Suffers from Clue Deficit Disorder.
• Suffers from permanent rapture of the deep. (Nitrogen narcosis.)
• Supports nativist theories that man is formed from clay.
• Surfing in Nebraska.
• Swimming on a cold shot. (Inadequate ejection force for a torpedo.)
• Switch is on, but no one's receiving.
• Takes her 1.5 hours to watch "60 Minutes".
• Takes her an hour to cook minute rice.
• Takes his imagination out for a walk and ends up being dragged around the block by it.
• Talks to plants on their own level.
• Team player... No chance he'll develop a personality on his own.
• Teflon brain -- nothing sticks. -- Lilly Tomlin
• The best part of him ran down his mother's legs. -- Jackie Gleason
• The butter slipped off his noodle.
• The cheese slid off his cracker.
• The definitive answer is: Her glass is half empty.
• The fan is working but the freon's leaked out.
• The going got weird, and he turned pro.
• The heater's plugged in but the rheostat's shot.
• The only place she's ever invited is outside.
• The perfect personality to write software manuals.
• The space between his ears powers vacuum pumps.
• The spit valve's fallen off his trumpet again.
• The twinkle in his eyes is actually the sun shining between his ears.
• The two put together have an IQ over 150.
• The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead.
• There are great people in the world, but she's not one of them.
• There she sits, Finite State Automaton at its best.
• There's nothing wrong with you that couldn't be cured with a little Prozac and a polo mallet. -- Woody Allen
• They must have done a clean boot on him.
• Thick as a brick / whale omelette.
• Thick as pig dung and twice as smelly.
• Thinks "Private Enterprise" means owning a personal starship.
• Thinks a permutation is a medical procedure.
• Thinks at 5 baud.
• Thinks cellular phones are carbon-based life forms.
• Thinks E=MC^2 is a rap star.
• Thinks everyone else is entitled to his opinion, like it or not.
• thinks in lower case and types accordingly
• Thinks like a boar hog looks at a wristwatch.
• Thinks male zebras are the ones with the black stripes.
• Thinks Moby Dick is a kind of venereal disease.
• Three-bag/coyote ugly. (Ask your mommy to explain.)
• Throws his rod and reel off the bridge when casting. (I resemble that remark. -- editor)
• Too dumb to be bothered when publically displaying her ignorance.
• Too many birds on her antenna.
• Too many jokers and not enough aces in his deck.
• Too many stop bits in his transmissions.
• Too much yardage between the goal posts.
• Too pointless to even be called a pinhead.
• Took the little bus to school.
• Top paddock is full of rocks.
• Toys in the attic.
• Train of thought derailed / still boarding at the station.
• Traveling faster than light, but left his sneakers behind.
• Traveling without a passport/towel.
• Tried welding two 2x4s together and burned down his house.
• Trips over cordless phones.
• Truck can't haul a full load.
• Truly believes "neural network" is a new Ted Turner enterprise.
• Trying out for the javelin retrieval team.
• Tuning in shortwave with a TV antenna.
• Two bits short of a word/dollar.
• Two degrees off square.
• Two inches taller than spherical.
• Types 120 words a minute but her keyboard isn't plugged in.
• Uglier than a hat full of assholes. (Whatever that means.)
• Ugly as a warthog and half as smart.
• Unclear which of Newton's three laws of motion keeps his ears apart.
• Understands English as well as any parrot.
• Used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
• Useful as a chocolate teapot.
• Useful as a football bat.
• Useful as a hip pocket on a T-shirt.
• Useful as a kickstand on a horse.
• Useful as a mint-flavored suppository.
• Useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
• Useful as dinosaur repellent.
• Useful as piss on a forest fire.
• Useful as tits on a bullfrog / bull / boar-hog.
• Uses all three functional neurons for his best work.
• Uses his head best for rolling Easter eggs.
• Uses his head to keep the rain out of his neck.
• Uses thumbtacks to post notes -- on his refrigerator.
• Uses two hands to eat with chopsticks.
• Using a 1S-2D floppy for brains in a world of hard disks.
• Vacancy on the top floor.
• Vacuuming linoleum using a deep-pile setting. (Not picking up anything.)
• Vaginally challenged, and preoccupied with the problem.
• Vertically-fornicated mind.
• Views mold as a higher life form.
• Warranty expired.
• Was born an acrobat but landed on his head.
• Was born when the planets were misaligned.
• Was first in line for brains, but ended up holding the door open.
• Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
• Was napping in the nut pile the day God was cracking nuts.
• Wasn't abused as a child, but should have been.
• Wasn't fully debugged before being released.
• Wasn't strapped in during launch.
• Watches "Beavis and Butthead" to learn vocabulary.
• Watching programs not listed in TV Guide.
• We're all missing cards from our decks -- and different cards, too.
• Went in for repairs but wasn't tightened with a torque wrench.
• Went to the dentist to have his cranial cavity filled.
• When a thought crosses her mind, it's a long and lonely journey.
• When God said, "Come forth for brains," he came fifth.
• When he was compiled they forgot to #include <smarts.h>/<iq.h>/<charm.h>.
• When she was born the doctor tried to kill her.
• When they handed out brains he got the short end of the stick.
• When they said "drain", he thought they said "brain".
• Whole lotta choppin', but no chips a flyin'.
• Wise as the world is flat.
• With one more neuron he'd have a synapse.
• Won't eat eggs because he believes the "This is your brain" ads.
• Would make an excellent illustration in a proctology textbook.
• Wouldn't make any sense if she ever made sense.
• Zero K memory.

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