[A bell rings.]
Is this a burger which I see before me,
The soft bun in my hand? Come, let me clutch thee.
I eat thee not, and yet I want thee still.
Art thou not, gourmet's vision, sensible
To taste as to sight? or art thou but
A burger of the mind, a false dinner,
Proceeding from the meat-oppressed stomach?
I see thee yet, in form as palatable
As this cracker which now I chew.
Thou nourish'st me on the way that I was going,
And such condiments I was to use!
Mine mouth are made the fools o' the other senses,
The calories worth all the rest; I see thee still,
And on thy plate and Happy Meals of fat,
Which was not so before. There's no such food:
It is the bloody diet which informs
Thus to mine eyes. Now o'er the Weight Watchers
Tastebuds seem dead, and raw salads abuse
The growling bowels; famished celebrate
Jenny Craig's offerings, and wither'd hunger,
Alarum'd by his sentinel, the bathroom scale,
Laughs as it watches, thus with his mocking numbers.
With Hamburglar's ravishing strides, towards his goal
I move like a ghost. Thou warm and delicious beef,
Hear not my teeth, which way they chew, for fear
My very swallows prate of my gluttony,
And take the present mirror from the room,
When now suits do not fit. Whiles I starve, he lives:
Buffets to the heat of charbroiled chicken gives.
I go, and it is done; the microwave bell invites me.[Exeunt.]
Hear it not, Tongue; for it is a knell
That summons thy mouth to heaven and thy body to hell.
He ordered the house specialty and was brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects. "What's this?" Joe asked.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replied.
"But, what are cojones?" Joe asked.
"Cojones," the waiter explained, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."
At first Joe was disgusted; but being the adventurous type, he decided to try this local delicacy. To Joe's amazement, it was quite delicious. In fact, it was so good, Joe decided to return the next night and order it again.
This time, the waiter brought out the plate, but the meaty objects were much smaller.
"What's this?" Joe asked the waiter.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replied.
"No, no," Joe objected, "I had cojones yesterday and they were much bigger than these."
"Senor," the waiter explained, "the bull does not always lose."
In October 1992, the ABU support team in Bellevue sent care packages of Starbuck's coffee, chocolate covered coffee beans, and Frangos to the North Carolina and Texas ABU teams. This is one NC engineer's account of what happened next....
From: Anthony Pacheco
Subject: Thanks for the Care Package!
Date: Thursday, October 29, 1992 11:35AM
Bryce,
I say, the care package you sent was a big hit here, thanks! Below is a chronological description of the care package consumption:
Sometime before Friday: The Care package arrives. I resist all temptation to open the package and consume an entire box of Frangos. Very impressive.
Friday 9:45 AM: I arrive early to work and open the care package that was hidden under my desk. I 'm amazed at all the good stuff in side, but somewhat disappointed to find that there were two boxes of Frango (or what ever they are calling them now) chocolate mints: I could have eaten a box and nobody would have known. Oh well. I make a pot of coffee using the robust Yukon blend, and eat three or four chocolate covered expresso beans. I send a message to NCABU announcing the goodies.
10:00 AM: The pot of coffee is gone and ErikaPh, my manager, makes another, which of course I have to sample. All the items are a big hit with everybody so far, except the chocolate covered expresso beans, which are only popular with the real coffee fans (who absolutely love them). Not letting a good thing go to waste, I have a couple more, a mint or two, and start on my second cup of coffee. I notice Erika actually drank two cups from this pot, and I start to wonder how I could approach my manager about making sure she leaves enough coffee for the rest of the queue.
10:10 AM: The pot of coffee is out again so HarveyY makes another. I of course must sample the Cafe Verona blend and indulge in a few more chocolate covered expresso beans. Erika again drinks two more cups of coffee. I frown but say nothing and in my depression eat another Frango chocolate mint.
10:30 AM: There has been a single cup of coffee left for some time, and not to let it go to waste, I drink it.
11:00 AM: KevinCo sees the empty coffee pot so he makes another, and then fills my cup under protest. Erika again drops by and fills her mug, and pilfers some chocolate covered xxpresso beans. For some strange reason, my typing speed has increased from, 25 WPM to 60 WPM,
11:45 AM: For some (unknown) reason, I feel agitated. To bleed of all the excess energy coming from nowhere, I do 92 pushups while helping a University of Oregon grad student with Excel. Out the window I notice Erika is on her second lap running around the building. After all that exercise, I feel thirsty, so I drink another cup of coffee and for a snack down a few more chocolate covered expresso beans.
12:10 PM: I now notice that there are people dropping by my cube that usually don't, in fact, I've seen the entire queue come by and sample some goodies. I try to chat, but for some reason people seem interested in just sampling the various yummy Frangos and the chocolate-almond mocha's. Erika stops by for more coffee and we exchange unpleasantries. I don't recall the exact conversation, but I do remember the phrases "useless stingy middle-manager" and "whinny engineer". For therapy I eat a few more chocolate covered expresso beans and try to look up how to make a car bomb on Internet's rec.pursuits.anarchy.
1:00 PM: I skip lunch, but do drink another cup of coffee and make another pot by request. Getting bored, I pick up the Charlotte phone book and start dialing people at random, asking if they need any help with Excel. Erika comes by for another cup of coffee. I miss her with the stapler, but she wings me a good one with one of those cube coat hooks.
2:00 PM: The entire queue, I believe, is wired with caffeine and sugar. I, being a Seattle native, am immune to these effects. MikeNa is 10 minutes into teaching his 2nd impromptu aerobics class. It is very interesting to watch engineers do jumping jacks while holding their Aspect phones.
3:00 PM: HarveyY has built a small shrine for the coffee pot in the empty cube next to me, and the low humming has started to get on my nerves: "Huummmmm [sip] Hummmm [sip] Hummmmm [sip]." Some people, I swear.
3:30 PM: The Starbucks Guatemalan blend has been polished off, and a fight has ensued in the hallway on whether to ration the chocolate covered expresso beans for later or continue with the consumption. Hastily, I build a laser pistol out of my MS Mouse card and the power supply from my Mac II CI, and the fight quickly ends. MikeNa shows up and drags the unconscious rebels back to their desks.
4:00 PM: If I could just talk to the cleaning people into lending me some Drain-O, I can complete the car bomb before Erika goes home. The coffee pot is empty again so of course I make another. Nice guy that I am, I drink a cup to sample the brew and deem it Most Excellent. I have a couple of Frango mints to compensate for skipping lunch.
5:00 PM: KevinCo informs me that Erika has been slipping by in camouflage spandex to siphon off coffee with a long straw. I thank him for this valuable intelligence information. In a time-honored Seattle Male Bonding Ritual, we eat 5 chocolate covered expresso beans each.
6:15 PM: I send mail to the entire queue announcing a fresh pot of coffee (after drinking a cup first) and await Erika to sneak by with glee.
6:20 PM: I caught Erika red-handed. I dodge the pen she tried to stab me with, and landed a good blow to her left kidney. As she is crawling back to her desk I hear her mumble something about "time to write a review".
6:25 PM I panic and in desperation, log on to the mail server with a VTP connection. I hack my way into Erika's Xenix mail spool file and quickly write, in the Xenix Borne C Shell, a program that will send an email message every 30 seconds using Erika's email name. I address it to the only people on campus at the time, Corporate Security, and title the message, "I Want Bill Gate's Love Child!". I "cc" ingate!ALL@ibm.com and ingate!JScully@apple.com just for giggles and grins.
7:30 PM: Two security guards show up, one drags Erika away and the other starts packing her desk. I laugh hideously at her shrieks of protest, and in celebration jump in my girl friend's sports car and drive around the Charlotte Coliseum several times at 120 MPH.
8:00 PM: I'm feeling really tired. KevinCo points out that there still an entire box of chocolate covered expresso beans left. Not wanting them to go to waste, we each eat half a box.
9:00 PM After successfully typing my 3rd impromptu novel while helping Betty from Orlando with a data consolidation, MikeNa announces that the queue has been shut off. After the phone call I drink 14 complementary beers, and for some unknown reason, still couldn't get to sleep that night.