Alcohol

Quick Reference

• 52 Reasons Why Beer is Better than Women
• Drinkers' Fault Finding Chart
• Beer Bill of Rights
• Wine Without Whining
• The Moral of Drinking
• Beer Is Good For You
• Hangover Scale

52 Good Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Women!!

1. You can enjoy a beer all night long.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine beer.
4. A beer will wait in the car while you go and play football.
5. When your beer goes flat, you toss it out.
6. Beer is never late.
7. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
8. Hangovers go away
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you can always pick up a beer.
11. Beer never has a headache.
12. After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents.
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer.
14. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.
15. A beer goes down easy.
16. You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.
17. You can share a beer with your friends.
18. You always know you're the first one to pop a beer.
19. Beer is always wet.
20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
21. You can have a beer in public.
22. A beer doesn't care when you come.
23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
25. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
26. You can't catch social diseases from a beer.
27. When your interrupted by a beer it's for a good reason.
28. A beer is always satisfying.
29. A beer gets lighter the longer you hold it.
30. A beer won't tell you its pregnant for fun.
31. A beer does not come with inlaws.
32. No matter what the package, a beer still looks good.
33. To cool off a beer, all you have to do is put it in the ice box.
34. All you have to do to get over a beer is take a leak.
35. Beer doesn't complain about farting.
36. The only thing a beer tells you is when its time to go to the bathroom.
37. You are never embarraessed about the beer you bring to a party.
38. Its okay to leave a party with a different beer than the one you bought.
39. Beer won't drive you to drink.
40. You can shoot a beer.
41. A beer chaser is easier to catch.
42. You don't need a license to live with a beer.
43. A tree is good enough for a beer.
44. Beer doesn't grow hair where it shouldn't.
45. Beer doesn't care how much you earn.
46. Beer and "ice" don't mix.
47. Beer won't complain about your choice of vacation - it goes along happily.
48. Beer doesn't care if you go to sleep right after you've had it.
49. Beer is happy to ride in the truck of your car.
50. You never have to promise to respect a beer in the morning.
51. Beer never complains about a wet spot.
52. You can put all your old beers together in one room and they won't fight.

Drinkers' Fault Finding Chart

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front wet

FAULT: Mouth not open while drinking OR glass being applied to wrong part of face
ACTION: Buy another pint and practice in front of mirror. Continue, with as many pints as necessary, until drinking technique is perfect

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear

FAULT: Glass empty
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another pint

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet

FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle
ACTION: Turn glass the other way up so that open end is pointing towards the ceiling

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet

FAULT: Incorrect bladder control
ACTION: Go and stand next to nearest dog; after a while complain to owner and demand a pint of beer in compensation.

SYMPTOM: Bar blurred

FAULT: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another pint

SYMPTOM: Bay swaying

FAULT: Air turbulence unusually high - may be due to darts match in progress
ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket

SYMPTOM: Bar moving

FAULT: You are being carried out
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another pub - if not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped by the Salvation Army

SYMPTOM: You notice that the wall opposite is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent light strip across it

FAULT: You have fallen over backwards
ACTION: If glass is still full and no-one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouthful of dog-ends and broken teeth

FAULT: You have fallen over forwards
ACTION: As for falling over backwards

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark

FAULT: The pub is closing
ACTION: Panic

SYMPTOM: You have woken up to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling

FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter
ACTION: Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not, treat yourself to a lie-in

The Beer Bill of Rights

My friends and I thought this up after a weekend party at which much beer was consumed.

by Jim Kasprzak, Jeff Jankowski and Ron Sperber with a little inspiration from the Founding Fathers of the United States

1. Congress shall make no law disrespecting an establishment of beer, or prohibiting the free consumption thereof; or abridging the freedom of bar service, or of brewing; or the right of the people peacably to assemble, and to petition the bartender for a round of beers.
2. A well-stocked bar being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to brew and consume beer shall not be infringed.
3. No beer shall, in time of heat be quartered in any house without refrigeration, nor in time of cold, except in a manner prescribed by law.
4. The right of the people to be secure in their beer, bottles, glasses, and brewing effects, against unreasonable searches and seziures, shall not be violated, and no last calls shall be issued, but upon the proper time, supported by the clock, and particularly offering the bar patrons the opportunity to purchase and consume one more beer before closing.
5. No person shall be held to consume a second-rate, or otherwise infamous beer, unless on presentment or indictment of a large bar bill, except in cases arising in block parties or backyard barbecues, or at a fraternity house, when in actual celebration in time of holidays or sporting events; nor shall any person subject for the same bar bill to be twice put in jeopardy of cash or credit; nor shall be compelled in any drinking establishment to purchase beer for anyone other than himself; nor be deprived of beer without due process of law; nor shall private stocks of beer be taken for public consumption without just compensation.
6. In all drinking establishments, the patron shall enjoy the right to speedy and courteous service, by a qualified bartender of the establishment wherein the beer shall have been ordered, which establishment shall have been previously licensed by law, and to be informed of the nature and price of the beer; to be presented with the bar tab against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining the beer which was ordered, and to have the assistance of the bartender for service.
7. In bills at drinking establishments, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of service shall be preserved, and no tab presented by a bartender shall be otherwise re-examined in any drinking establishment in the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.
8. Excessive drinking shall not be required, nor excessive prices imposed, nor cruel and unusual beers inflicted.
9. The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain beers, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others consumed by the people.
10. The beers not supplied to the bars by mass marketing, nor brewed in microbreweries, are reserved to the brewpubs respectively, or to the people.

Wine Without Whining

The Down And Dirty on The Fruit of the Vine

I'm going to do you a big favor. I'm going to free you from feelings of inadequacy that have been haunting you since sometime in your teens. I'm going to fill you in on the greatest scam ever perpetrated upon the consuming public. I'm going to tell you what I know about wine.

The bottom line is that wine tastes awful. It's just grape juice gone south (forgive me, dixiewhistlers). All the millions of poor slobs dutifully disguising the revolted pucker behind looks of thoughtful analysis, parroting gibberish of which they've no idea of the meaning, studying for hours so as not to be humiliated by menial restaurant employees once again, have fallen for a complex and insidious canard (see COLD DUCK). An "acquired taste" they call it. Well, you could acquire a taste for Ivory soap.

Herewith is a glossary of selected wine terms and what they really mean:

APPELLATION CONTROLEE

French for "Trust me"

AROMA

A bad smell that comes from the grapes; See BOUQUET

BEAUJOLAIS NOUVEAU

Wine so awful that it isn't worth aging.

BOUQUET

A bad smell that's added during processing; See NOSE

BRUT

Describes a wine that sneaks up on you and stabs you in the back. Or a wine dealer. From the Latin, "Et tu, Brute"

CHATEAUNEUF DU PAPE

The pope's new house was paid for by swindling buyers into paying the price for this wine.

DRY

Hurts your throat while swallowing.

FRUITY

Tastes like children's cough medicine. See ROBUST

NOBLE ROT

What well-born wine snobs talk.

NOSE

The total effect of AROMA and BOUQUET; something you wish you could hold while drinking.

ROBUST

Tastes like cough medicine. See FRUITY

ROSE

Many people mistakenly pronounce this to rhyme with Jose. A term for a pinkish wine, named for what an early commentator said his gorge did when he tasted it.

VARIETAL

Having the worst qualities of a single type of grape, rather than a mixture of sins.

VINTAGE

How many years we've been trying to get rid of this rotgut.

Drinking Moral

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asked the class to go home and think of a story and then conclude with the moral of that story.

The following day the teacher asked for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raised her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asked for the moral of the story. Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next was little Bobby. "Well, my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." Teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

Last was little Johnny. "My Uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun, and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

Teacher looked in shock at Johnny and asked if there is possibly any moral to his story. Johnny nodded: "Don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking!"

Beer Is Good For You

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

The results of this in-depth epidemiological study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and cerebral performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving college and getting married, most people cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their university years.

So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars! Quaff that pint! Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have. Be all that you can be.

1 star hangover *

No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.

2 star hangover **

Slight headache. Don't feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

3 star hangover ***

Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots youdid with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching Good Morning with Richard and Judy. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke - yet you haven't peed once.

4 star hangover ****

Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might honk. You have lost the will to live. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Moss side secondary school circa 1976.

You would give a weeks pay for one the following -

1. Home time
2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone.
3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.

5 star hangover

aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell *****

You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring the employee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You can't focus as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from your computer screen.

Rancid vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore, staining your shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth, at least you think it's toothpaste crust. You don't give a damn either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking is not an option. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe....

...very gently.

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