You Might Be In EMS If...

• You find humor in other people's stupidity...
• You believe that 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm...
• Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you...
• Your idea of fine dining is anywhere you can sit down to eat...
• You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the nicest restaurants...
• You plan your dinner break while lavaging an overdose patient...
• Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than most computers...
• You believe chocolate is a food group...
• You refer to vegetables and are not talking about a food group...
• You believe a good tape job will fix anything...
• You have the bladder capacity of five people...
• You can identify the positive teeth to tattoo ratio...
• Your idea of a good time is a full arrest at shift change...
• You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac...
• You firmly believe that if Dilantin, Haldol, Noranyl, and Narcan were put in the water instead of fluoride Dentists may be busier but EMS would grind to a halt...
• You disbelieve 90% of what you are told and 75% of what you see...
• You have your weekends off planned for a year in advance...
• You automatically assume the patient is a drug seeker when presented with a complaint of: (choose one )
  • migraine
  • lower back pain
  • chronic myalgia
  
  and
  • a list of numerous allergies to meds (except Demerol)
  • the statement that the family doctor is from out of town...
• Your idea of comforting a child includes placing them in a papoose restraint...
• You encourage an obnoxious patient to sign out AMA so you don't have to deal with them any longer...
• You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be a recognized diagnosis...
• You have discovered a new condition that you call "hypo-Xanax-emia"...
• You believe that the government should require a permit to reproduce...
• You debate which is worse, spaghetti and meatballs with red wine or pizza with beer, while performing gastric lavage...
• You believe that "Ask-a-Nurse" is an evil plot thought up by Satan...
• You believe that having an ambulance at a "Health Fair" was his next idea...
• You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if the phrase "Wow, it's really quiet" is uttered...
• You threaten to strangle anyone who even starts to say the "q" word when it is even remotely calm...
• You refer to Friday as Con-Home Dump Day...
• You are totally astounded when someone from a convalescent home is understandable...
• You take it as a compliment when someone calls you dirty name...
• You say to yourself "great veins" when looking at complete strangers ...
• You don't think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate...
• You have ever referred to someone's death as a "Celestial Transfer"...
• You have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the "Eternal Care Unit"...
• You have ever answered a "lost condom" call...
• You refer to someone in severe respiratory distress as a "smurf"...
• Your idea of a good time is dueling shock rooms...
• You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide...Doing It Right"...
• You feel that most suicide attempts should be given a free subscription to "Guns and Ammo" magazine...
• You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis...
• You have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say "I have no idea how that got stuck in there"...
• You have ever had to leave a patient's room before you begin to laugh uncontrollably...
• You have ever wanted to reply "yes" when someone calls the E.R. and asks "Is my (husband, wife, mother, brother, friend, etc.) there?"...
• You have ever issued a "dead head" alert...
• You have ever referred to the E.R. Doc , triage nurse, or partner as a "shit magnet"...
• Your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion...
• You think that caffeine should be available in I.V. form...
• You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience...
• You have witnessed the charge nurse muttering down the hallway "Who's in charge of this mess anyway?"...
• You have ever used the phrase "health care reform" to instill fear into your coworkers' hearts...
• You believe the waiting room should be equipped with a Valium fountain...
• You play poker by betting ectopics on EKG strips...
• You believe a "Supreme Being consult" is your patients only hope...
• You want lab to order a "dumb shit profile"...
• You have been exposed to so many X-rays that you consider radiation a form of birth control...
• You believe your patient is demonically possessed...
• You believe that waiting room time should be proportional to length of time from symptom onset ("You've had the pain for three weeks...well have a seat in the waiting room and we'll get to you in three days")...
• Your most common assessment question is "what changed tonight to make it an emergency after 6 (hours, days, weeks, months, years)?"...
• You know the phone number to the local Detox Center by heart...
• You have ever had a patient say, "But I'm not pregnant, I can't be pregnant. How can I be having a baby?"...
• You have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered some food...
• You carry your own set of keys to the "leathers"...
• Your idea of gambling is an blood alcohol level pool instead of a football pool...
• Your bladder expands to the same size as a Winnebago's water tank...
• Your feet are slightly flatter and tougher than Fred Flintstone's...
• Your immune system is so well developed that it has been known to attack squirrels in the backyard...
• You have a special shrine in your home to the inventor of Haldol...
• Your idea of an X-ray prep is a second dose of Haldol...
• Your idea of a CT prep includes Norcuron and a vent...
• You have recurring nightmares about being knocked to the floor and run over by a portable X-ray machine...
• Your shoes have been seized and quarantined by either the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta, OSHA, the EPA, or the Nuclear Regulatory Commission...
• You're able to tell the difference between a medical order and the ground around a poultry farm...
• You've been chipping away at your Bachelors Degree for longer than most people take for a Doctorate...
• Your idea of thawing the holiday turkey consists of an IV and warmed saline... (and if the holiday turkey you usually see has arms instead of wings and is sauced instead basted)
• You have every referred to subcutaneous emphysema as "Rice Krispies"...
• And finally:
  You might be an EMS professional if you find any of this funny!

Thanks to Michael Seaver, RN, EMT, who created the vast bulk of this material.