After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated. "I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone.
Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time the paediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape.
Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity. "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.
Finally a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!!
The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him. "Go see if that was a duck, will you?"
A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.
A woman with shortness of breath and who weighed approximately 500lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress the lady an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last but not least during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She became known as "The Human Couch".
A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth. Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling "Puta! Puta! Puta!" at this the grandmother started to cry and the baby's father had to be restrained. What the doctor should have been saying was "Puja!" (Push!) Instead he was saying, "Whore! Whore! Whore!"
The most nonemergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint.
A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the
exam and questioning the female denied being sexually active. The doctor
gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor
went back to the young female's room.
Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you
sure you're not sexually active?"
Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there."
Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?"
Patient: "No. Who?"
A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was
rushed to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful
resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went
to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother didn't make it.
"Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five
minutes ago!"
First Aid
For those budding First Aiders among you, simple treatments
of common injuries: