First Aid Humour

Quick Reference

American Science Exam Answers
20 point Scale of Intoxication
Electrical Refresher Training
First Aid Tips
Friend or enema?
Are You an ER Person?
More STUPID Questions

Actual Excerpts from USA Science Exam Answers

(Who said the American education system is below par?)

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.
For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.
For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.
For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.
For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

Levels of Intoxication

Forget AVPU, forget the Glasgow Coma Scale. This is the DEFINITIVE guide to identifying the level of intoxication of a student.

0. OUFAU First Aider after two consecutive Summer Balls and the associated three gallons of black coffee.

Richard Ward
Sober
Smiling (generally 1-2 drinks)
Giggling (some people have this as their natural state)
Wobbling
Leaning (greater than 15 degree deviation from vertical)
"Best friend" syndrome
"Worst enemy" syndrome
Technicolour yawn syndrome
Puke and recoil
Semi-conscious barf
Unconscious - response to earlobe technique
Unconscious - response to nail-bed technique
Unconscious - response to knuckle
Seriously out of it - no response. Hospitalise
Unconscious, vomit, ingest, kiss lungs goodbye
Respiratory arrest
VF
Asystole
Maggots

Electrical Refresher Training

Because EMTs and first aiders are expected to do mundane human things like change light bulbs and talk on radios, a few hints are given here for their guidance on the mysterious Power of Electricity.

Electricity is manufactured in Power Stations, where it is fed into wire which are then wound around large drums. These drums can often be seen on the roadside, especially where electricity is being or about to be delivered to remote towns and villages, such as Preston, Carlisle and Anglesey.
Electricity is made up of two ingredients, positive and negative. One ingredient travels along a wire covered in brown plastic, and the other in a wire covered in blue plastic. When these two wires meet together in a socket, the different ingredients mix to form electricity.
Some electricity, however, does not need to go along wires, that used in lightning for example, or in portable radios. This kind of electricity is not generated, but lies loose.
Electricity must be earthed. That is to say, it has to be connected to the ground before it can function, except in the case of ships and aeroplanes, which have separate arrangements.
Electricity makes a low humming noise. This noise may be pitched at different levels for use in doorbells, telephones and electric organs.
With the invention of coloured electricity, so also came a great easing of the traffic problem. Hitherto, Policemen had to be used at road junctions.
The Light Switch. The lever in the middle of the switch controls a small vice or clamp which grips the wires very hard and thus prevents the electricity from passing that point when the switch is in the OFF position.
Electricity may be stored in batteries. Big batteries do not necessarily hold more electricity than small batteries. In big batteries the electricity is just shovelled in, while in the small ones, the electricity is flat packed.
The electricity that is held in a defibrillator is flat packed and compressed into separate compartments. This means that when the spring loaded vice switch is pressed, the release of ingredients is so quick that they collide at great speed somewhere in the casualty's chest and make the casualty jump.

Because of this, paramedics are asked not to defibrillate if the casualty is of a nervous disposition.

Handy First Aid Tips

Electrocution

Is he/she still connected to the power supply? If so, SWITCH OFF THE POWER IMMEDIATELY. Electricity costs an absolute fortune, and it would be going to waste.

Check the victims pulse, (if you can find their wrist amongst the stack of charred bones and greasy, bubbling flesh that was once a human being). And do try not to be squeamish about it.

Drive the victim to the nearest casualty ward. You can use him/her to jumpstart the engine as well if need be.

Treating burns and scalds

Run the affected area under a cold tap as soon as possible. (N.B. If the victims entire body is a swirling mass of flames it may a little too late for this).

If the victim has spilt hot liquid over his/her clothes, then REMOVE CLOTHING IMMEDIATELY. You can never tell, the sight of you parading around naked may cheer them up and take their mind off their injury. Remind the victim that worse things happen at sea. Cite drowning as an example.

Fractures and broken limbs

Check the injured area to see if the break or fracture has resulted in a tubular shard of shearing white bone jutting outwards through the bloody mass of flesh. If it has, then tell the victim that they are going to die. That always puts the wind up them.

Tie a splint to the victims leg and ask them to walk up and down for a few minutes. They will probably fall down unconscious, making the rest of your job easier.

Do not move the broken or fractured limb as this may result in an abnormal position. However, if you're feeling daring, try pointing legs in the wrong direction, bending wrists through 180 degrees, etc. It really is amazing the number of fascinating contortions you can produce. Far better than Play-Doh.

Choking On Food

Try to dislodge the article blocking the victims windpipe by punching them hard in the stomach. Do remember to duck before the particles of food hit you in the eye, however.

Call the waiter and ask for a 20 percent reduction on the bill. Make a mental note to order soup next time.

Cuts And Wounds

Dress the wound, whatever that means.

Try and limit the blood loss by tying a tourniquet tightly around the victims throat unit they experience difficulty in breathing.

Ha ha, only kidding. Tie the tourniquet just above the wound. Just my little joke.

Stitch up the wound with aluminium wire.

Ha ha! Caught you again! Outsmarted you! Still, I am an expert, you know.

Objects Stuck In The Eye

Rinse the victims eye in lukewarm water. DO NOT USE SOAP AS WELL, IDIOT. Offer to pick the object out of the victims eye with your teeth. This usually results in the object mysteriously "going away" and not bothering the victim any more before you can get to it.

Concussion

When the victim comes round, ask them what day it is, who the Prime Minister is, how many fingers you are holding up. To make it more difficult, hold the fingers up behind your back. Then tot up the victims score and send it to me at this address:-

Dr. Brain D'Eath, Concussion Quiz, P.O.Box 312, London, the highest score wins a mystery prize.

Talk in Swahili to disorientate the victim a bit more. Yes, there's a whole bundle of laughs when it comes to concussion.

Here's a good one: before the victim comes round, switch of all the lights. When he/she regains consciousness, shout "Thank God! We thought you might be dead, or blinded or something."

Friend or Enema?

Artery: Study of paintings
Bacteria: Back door of cafeteria
Barium: What doctors do when patient dies
Bowel: The letters a, e, i, o, and u
Caesarian Section: A neighbourhood in Rome
CAT scan: Search for kitty
Cauterise: Make eye contact with female
Colic: Sheepdog
D and C: Washington
Dilate: Live long
Enema: Not a friend
Impotent: Distinguished
Labour pain: Injury sustained at work
Post-operative: Letter carrier
Recovery room: An upholsterer's
Seizure: A Roman emperor
Terminal illness: Sickness at an airport
Tumour: More than one
Varicose: Nearby
Vein: Conceited

Are You an ER Person?

From: cochran@netcom.com (Mark A. Cochran)

[I was taking a short cut to the NICU one night (I'm a neonatologist) when a buddy of mine working nights in the ER handed this to me. I have no idea where it originated]

(A word to any who might be offended by this - working in any high-stress environment where life and death decisions are a matter of hourly routine requires the development of a sense of humor to deal with it. If you're offended anyway, then I'm sorry, and hope the spray planes arrive soon)

YOU MIGHT BE AN ER PHYSICIAN/NURSE IF...

you believe 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm.
discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.
you believe a good tape job will fix anything.
you have the bladder capacity of five normal people.
you can identify the positive teeth to tattoo ratio.
your idea of a good time is a full arrest at shift change.
you find humor in other people's stupidity.
you believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
you disbelieve 90% of what you are told and 75% of what you see.
you have your weekends off planned a year in advance.
when a patient presents with a list of medicine allergies you automatically assume they are a drug seeker or a patient of Dr. Solotkin.
your idea of comforting a child is to place them in a papoose restraint.
you encourage an obnoxious patient to sign out AMA so you don't have to deal with them any longer.
you believe that "Shallow Gene Pool" should be a diagnosis.
you believe the govt should require a permit to reproduce.
you plan your dinner while performing gastric lavage.
you believe that "Ask-A-Nurse" is an evil plot thought up by Satan.
you believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if the phrase "Wow, it's really quiet" us uttered.
you refer to Friday as "Dump Day".
your diet consists of food that has undergone more processing than most computers.
you believe chocolate is a food group.
when someone calls you a bastard, you take it as a compliment.
when you are out in public you compliment a complete stranger on their good veins.
you have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the "Eternal Care Unit".
you don't think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate.
you have ever referred to someones death as a "Celestial Discharge".
you have ever answered a "lost condom" phone call (See "Ask-A-Nurse" above.)
you refer to someone in respiratory distress as a "Smurf".
your idea of a really good time is Duelling Shock Rooms.
you have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide... Getting it right".
you believe that "Too Stupid to Live" should be a diagnosis.
you have ever had to leave a patients room before you began laughing uncontrollably.