More Star Trek Humour

Quick Reference

• Why Captain Janeway is better than Captain Picard
• Why Captain Kirk is better than Captain Picard
• Why Captain Picard is better than Captain Kirk
• Star Trek Meets Roadrunner

1. One word: hair
2. More hair than all previous Star Trek commanding officers combined.
3. Drinks coffee, not that sissy "Earl Grey" stuff.
4. Beams down to the planet like real Captains should.
5. Mutes the doctor when the doctor gets out of line.
6. Hasn't let an adolescent pilot the Federation flagship -- yet.
7. Commanded ships blown up: Picard: 2 Janeway: 0
8. Voyager needs a female Captain. Its Captain must be willing to admit they're lost and pull over for directions.
9. Picard likes to talk his way through. Janeway likes to punch her way through.
10. Hasn't quoted Shakespeare -- yet.
11. Looks better in sleepwear.
12. Gives guilt trips that would make a Jewish mother proud.
13. Isn't French with an English accent.
14. "Take this cheese to sickbay!" I don't know why this is here, either, but I loved that line!
15. Will give you two days off to ponder your lifeshattering experience.
16. When Janeway lands her ship, it can take off again.
17. Janeway says "I don't like you!" to her enemies instead of trying to convince them to behave better.
18. To comfort children, Janeway cares for them in a loving motherly way. Picard sings a song...in French...about a monk...who can't wake up for morning bells.
19. The only children on Voyager can be turned off at will.
20. Janeway has a First Officer with a tattoo.
21. Picard could never act like a prostitute to gain a tactical advantage.
22. She doesn't have any pesky Federation Admirals to get in her way.
23. Three words: Compression Phaser Rifles.
24. Acknowledges freely when she breaks the Prime Directive instead of trying to weasle her way out of it with philosophical ramblings.
25. 34 episodes without surrendering the ship.
26. 34 episodes and Wesley has yet to save the ship.
27. Janeway's holo programs create useful things like doctors and lungs. Picard's holodecks create maniacal evil geniouses who yet again take over the ship.
28. She doesn't need to straighten her uniform every time she stands.
29. Janeway has never worn green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood Forest. However, if she did, she would look fantastic!
30. Same level of sexual tension between Doctor and Captain.
31. Kirk looked good in ripped shirts; Picard looked good without a shirt; Janeway would look... no, they can't do that on network television.
32. Cheese
33. Doesn't force her crew to wear awful outfits, unless it is to blend in with a primitive planet.
34. She doesn't waste time learning foreign languages. All lifeforms in the Delta Quadrant speak perfect English.
35. Her engineer does not wear a bananna clip over her eyes.
36. Slouches in her chair even in critical life-threatening moments.
37. Doesn't have a Counselor on board (thank God!).
38. Her telepath only lives nine years.
39. Janeway heard the words "boldly go where no man (er, woman) has gone before" and took them to the extreme.
40. 45,000 light-years is one thing. Every point in the universe instantaneously? That's excessive!
41. Picard tells alien cultures, "I hope our two cultures will one day come to a greater understanding." Janeway threatens them with "the deadliest of force."
42. Janeway's Security Chief would never grow a ponytail.
43. The high point of Enterprise cuisine were scrambled eggs that only Worf could stomach.
44. Janeway doesn't have to point which way to go when they set off.
45. Maintains an elaborate hairdo that would baffle even Princess Leia.
46. Has mastered facial expression understood by all to mean, "Boy, Paris, are YOU ever stupid."
47. Cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese. I can't help myself!
48. Hugs her Vulcan from time to time.
49. Has a more manly voice.
50. Doesn't have a starship that splits in half when it's in a tight spot.
51. Has a dog and a significant other, not some damn fish!
52. Kes. Troi. No contest.
53. Neelix. Replicator. Ok, this one's debatable.
54. At least she doesn't have to yell "Hot!" at her cook every time she wants something to drink.
55. Her ship has neat-looking folding warp nacelles.
56. Her CONN officer actually went through the Academy.
57. Her CONN officer can use contractions.
58. Her first officer has a halucinogenic device.
59. Her Security Officer draws his phaser at the first hint of trouble. Picard's Security Officer gets beat up by half the aliens that come aboard.
60. None of the crew members' relatives have ever tried to take over the ship, invade the Federation, steal a starship, or enslave all humankind.
61. To help her relax, Janeway's first officer helps her contact her spirit guide. Picard's first officer helps him get . . . to Risa.
62. Riker never smiled at Picard that way.
63. Q asked Janeway to run away with him and she refused. Q asked Picard's girlfriend to run away with him and she accepted.

1. Kirk is a leader, not a follower.
2. Kirk never really got into that kinky JUMPSUIT look.
3. Kirk has sex more than once a season.
4. One word. Hair.
5. Another word: Pretty-good-looking-can't-see-the-weave-WIG.
6. Kirk can beat up a Klingon bare-handed.
7. Picard is a French man with an English accent.
8. Kirk would date Beverly Crusher -- and damn the consequences!!
9. Kirk never drinks tea. Ever.
10. Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk.
11. Kirk would personally throw Wesley off the bridge.
12. Two words. Shoulder Roll.
13. Kirk doesn't wear dresses when Admirals arrive for lunch.
14. Kirk once said, "I've got a belly-ache -- and it's a beauty."
15. Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis.
16. Kirk can almost drive a stick shift.
17. Kirk, almost single handedly, re-populated the Earth's whale population.
18. Kirk says "Prime Directive? What Prime Directive?"
19. Kirk knows 20th century curses.
20. Kirk was NEVER infiltrated by the Borg and used against the Federation.
21. Kirk ate little coloured cubes and still remained relatively healthy.
22. Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology.
23. Kirk never pretends to be a barber in order to gain tactical advantage.
24. Kirk wasn't shy about taking his shirt off -- even around those pesky Yeomans.
25. Kirk would never waste a holodeck on something stupid like Dixon Hill.
26. Kirk never once stood up and straightended his shirt.
27. One word. Velour.
28. Kirk can beat a Vulcan at chess.
29. When Kirk was Picard's age, he retired from Admiral and took to climbing rocks.
30. When Picard was 37, he was only Captain of the lowly freighter Stargazer. When Kirk was 37, he was Captain of the flagship Enterprise.
31. Kirk liked a good belt of liquor every now and again.
32. One word. Iman.
33. Kirk looks good with a ripped shirt.
34. If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he would rip off its head and shit down it's neck.
35. Kirk says "Shoot first and wait for retaliation."
36. Kirk's first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge.
37. Kirk never leaves the room to bawl someone out.
38. Kirk doesn't rely on the wisdom of some dumb old janitor to get him out of intergalactic scrapes.
39. Two words. Funky sideburns.
40. Kirk never asks his bartender for advice.
41. Kirk never once said "Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!"
42. Kirk is not politically correct.
43. Kirk never got "dumped" by a woman for an intergalactic busy body named after a letter of the alphabet.
44. Kirk never wore green tights and frollicked about in Sherwood forest.
45. If there was ever a Klingon on Kirk's bridge, Kirk would be dead.
46. Ever hear of a bar shooter called, "Make it so"? No? How about a "Beam me up Scotty"? See the difference?
47. One word. Miniskirts.
48. Kirk's girlfriends always looked good in soft light.
49. Kirk never went anywhere without a whole bunch of guys in red shirts.
50. Kirk's first officer didn't play some wimpy instrument like the trombone.
51. Kirk had more dates than his first officer.
52. The extent of Kirk's knowledge of Klingon vocabulary can roughly be translated as, "GO FUCK YOURSELF."
53. If something doesn't speak English -- it's toast.
54. Kirk wasn't some prissy archeology fan.
55. Picard's middle name isn't as tought or awe-inspiring as Tiberius.
56. If Kirk finds a strange spinning probe, he blows it up.
57. Picard never met Joan Collins.
58. Picard flunked his entrance exams to Starfleet.
59. Picard hasn't fathered any children; Kirk--probably millions.
60. Kirk has a cool phaser -- not some pansy Braun mix-master.
61. Two words. Line delivery.
62. Picard grew up on a quaint little French vineyard, squishing grapes with his toes, while Kirk slung bales of wheat and hay in Iowa to put himself through school.
63. Kirk emphasizes his orations with pertinent hand gestures.
64. Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulphur, potassium nitrate, charcoal and then fired diamonds into the hearts of his enemies. (Need we say more?)
65. Kirk is not put off by green skin.
66. Kirk knows how to deal with peace loving hippie goofs.
67. Kirk once fought a Greek god. And won.
68. Kirk barely asks for suggestions. And if he does, he asks Spock only.
69. Kirk doesn't let the doctor tell him what to do.
70. One word. Fisticuffs.
71. Kirk's name is hated throughout the galaxy.
72. Kirk appreciates Shakespeare, but he doesn't let it show.
73. You can never lock up Kirk for very long.
74. Kirk's eulogies can actually make you cry.
75. Kirk plays god with lesser countries, and then exploits them for their resources.
76. Kirk's son would never drop out to become a musician.
77. Kirk can climb up a Jefferies tube and fix anything.
78. Kirk never hired an engineer with punk glasses.
79. The Klingons didn't have a word for surrender -- until they met Kirk.
80. Kirk's bridge is not beige.
81. Two words. Crane shots.
82. Picard likes wimpy violin music -- and coerces Data into playing it.
83. Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even really cute things like tribbles.
84. Kirk is a cultural icon -- Picard is just some guy who is really nice.
85. Kirk specifically ordered a swivel LA-Z-BOY for the bridge.
86. Kirk would never touch SYNTHANOL.
87. Kirk looked distinguished in reading glasses -- and nobody dares call him "four eyes"
88. Kirk can infiltrate gangsters, Nazis, and even the Pentagon -- easily.
89. Picard likes painting nudes, for art's sake.
90. When Kirk doesn't trust the Romulans, he fires at them. When Picard doesn't trust the Romulans, he gets fired at.
91. Kirk never once, ever, wore a wiener wrapping Speedo banana hammock on shore leave.
92. Kirk never gets his command codes locked out by some pimply acting ensign.
93. Kirk doesn't test the engines -- he just fires them up.
94. When Kirk says "Boldly Go", he MEANS it.
95. Three words. Flying leg kick.
96. Picard's crew would never ever think of him as a sexual object.
97. Kirk travelled through the Great Barrier, met God, and wasn't even impressed.
98. Kirk's bedroom is a passion pit with electric sheets.
99. Kirk would never let his Chief of Security wear a pony tail.
100. One word. BALLS.

1. Two Words: better voice.
2. Picard's ship's counselor traded in her miniskirt for that great low-cut neckline.
3. Kirk fought over women. Picard had women fight over him.
4. Picard fire both photon torpedoes AND phasers at the same time when in battle.
5. Picard's ship is better than Kirk's -- better, faster, stronger.
6. Picard hates children -- Kirk once rescued a bunch of patricidal little maniacs, tried to console them, and almost lost his ship and crew in the process.
7. Picard was responsible for Beverly Crusher's husband dying, berated her son constantly in her presence, yet still manged to make her fall for him.
8. Though admittedly he's seldom a patron, Picard's ship actually has a BAR.
9. Kirk fought others himself, Picard has others do his fighting for him.
10. When nurse Chapel re-appeared as Troi's mother, she fell for Picard.
11. In seven years, Picard never developed a gut like Kirk's.
12. Picard was never killed by his first officer.
13. Picard's family made alchoholic beverages for a living.
14. Kirk kept losing security guards throughout each season; Picard has kept Worf for seven years.
15. No member of Picard's crew was EVER based on a member of the Monkees.
16. Two words: better actor.
17. Picard can do better impressions of his first officer.
18. Picard single-handedly saved the Federation, the Klingon Empire, and all of humanity while still a lowly captain.
19. Picard's a better musician than Kirk, while admittedly that's not saying much.
20. Picard's crew members sleep with one another on a regular basis.
21. Picard's crew gambles.
22. Picard's engine room has that neat warp coil that glows.
23. Picard's ship has better control panels instead of a series of Lite-Brite boards.
24. Picard would never star in a show like "T.J. Hooker."
25. Picard would never have allowed Charlie X aboard his ship.
26. No sideburns. 'Nuff said.
27. Picard's first officer never seized control of the ship to transport a former captain anywhere.
28. Despite the Borg incident, Picard is still welcome back at Starfleet HQ. Kirks name is an anathema to Starfleet HQ and alien races alike.
29. Picard never ordered his ship to self-destruct as a bluff; when he orders it to do so, he MEANS it.
30. Picard's ship was never taken over by its own computer and made to attack other Starfleet vessels.
31. Picard has never been made into a bad Filmation cartoon.
32. Picard was able to bring Denise Crosby back from the dead. Need we say more?
33. Picard infiltrated Romulus, posed as an intergalactic mercenary, and was tortured extensively after capture by the Cardassians -- and never broke a sweat.
34. Picard has never been demoted.
35. Picard has never had his body taken over by a former lover.
36. Picard has never developed amnesia and thought he was an Indian.
37. Picard has never encountered aliens from wierd planets like "Zatar."
38. Picard's quarters have a window.
39. Nobody ever back-slaps Picard.
40. Picard was never involved in any hokey shootouts at the OK corral.
41. Picard is a caffeine addict. (All that Earl Grey tea.)
42. One word: Leadership.
43. Kirk is not a sex symbol. Never was, never will be.
44. If Picard had a son, he wouldn't lose a fight to a Klingon whose commander was Christopher Lloyd.
45. Speaking of losing, Picard has never lost a first officer to a man who once made a career out of selling Chrysler Cordobas, either.
46. Picard would never be so stupid as to go rock climbing without equipment and rely on an overweight first officer with rocket boots to save his ass.
47. Picard would never stand for playing "Row Row Row your boat" around a campfire.
48. When Picard enters a room, people fall silent; when Kirk enters one, they keep on drinking.
49. Picard has that cool, futuristic artificial heart.
50. When Picard has an alternate reality experience, it's worth watching and caring about.
51. Picard never expects the impossible from his engineer.
52. When Klingons are aboard Picard's ship, they don't go rampaging about with 17th century weaponry.
53. Picard has more class than Kirk ever had.
54. If poor judgement were bricks, Kirk would be a housing project.
55. Picard had the chutzpah to admit when he screwed up instead of putting on a face which only made things worse.
56. Picard doesn't rely on the Organians to help him settle intergalactic squabbles.
57. Picard gets along with the aliens aboard his ship.
58. It's unlikely Picard ever contracted a sexually-transmitted disease.
59. One word: diagnostic (Never heard it on the old show.)
60. All that cool technical jargon (Also never heard on old show.)
61. Picard has hair on his chest.
62. Picard can actually make being bald, middle-aged, and scrawny look sexy and macho.
63. Kirk sat alone in the middle of his bridge; Picard kept counselor Troi within easy reach and view at all times.
64. Picard has never mutinied or had his crew mutiny against him.
65. When Picard gets drunk, he tracks mud all over the house and gets in a fight. When Kirk gets drunk, he passes out.
66. Picard hired Whoopi Goldberg to work in his bar.
67. Picard is not afraid to mind-meld.
68. Picard's ex kept her neme even after the divorce; Kirk's kept it a secret even from her son.
69. Picard like solving mysteries; Kirk couldn't figure one out if he tried.
70. Picard has never messed up with the transporter.
71. Picard has never been bitten by a mugatto. Nor has he ever allowed shape-shifting salt vampires aboard his ship, either.
72. Picard has never aged prematurely.
73. Picard wasn't afraid to take on Satan.
74. Picard knows Gilgamesh and is able to recite it.
75. Picard argues with his captors while being tortured, Kirk merely screams in agony.
76. Picard never brought a woman back from the 20th Century only to have her blow him off in front of the entire Federation assembly.
77. When Picard talks, people listen.
78. If Picard were a late-night talk-show host, he'd be Dick Cavett. If Kirk were a late-night host, he'd be Chevy Chase.
79. NO ONE laughs when Picard's Doctor says, "He's dead, Jean-Luc."
80. Picard has never kissed a Romulan.
81. Picard has never crashed in San Francisco bay in a pirated spacecraft.
82. Picard would never have brought "Nomad" aboard his ship.
83. If Khan came aboard Picard's ship, Picard would have had the common sense to restrict what technical manuals he would've been allowed to review.
84. If Picard found a huge glowing sphere in the middle of outer space only to discover it was controlled by a child with an ugly puppet, he'd be pissed.
85. Picard would never ATTEMPT hand-to-hand combat with a gorn.
86. Picard would never have dropped the charges against Khan.
87. Kirk actually tried to defend the idea of intergalactic war with the Klingons.
88. When Kirk went back in time, he frequently messed with history tp suit his own ends.
89. Picard probably would have found the Galileo 7 in less time than it took Kirk.
90. Three words: Better costume variety.
91. Kirk tries, usually unsuccessfully, to respect other cultures. Picard tries, usually successfully, to get other cultures to respect him.
92. Kirk's occasional game of choice is 3-D chess, Picard's is poker.
93. "Picard" has more syllables than "Kirk."
94. Can't forget those neat collar insignias.
95. Picard's not afraid to deal with more advanced cultures and has done so on a number of occassions.
96. Picard's been on both Klingon birds-of-prey AND the heavy cruisers (and lived to tell about it).
97. When Picard goes undercover, he makes it look easy.
98. Though Picard has contempt for aliens like the Cardassians, he doesn't let it show.
99. Kirk wears boots -- Picard wears shoes. And as we all know, it's gotta be the shoes...
100. Assimilating has never been a problem for Picard.
101. Picard has never trashed Gene Roddenberry.

Captain's Log, Stardate 54324.5

Supplement

Supplement

Stardate 54326.2, Mr. Spock reporting

Captain's Log, Stardate 54342.1

Captain's Log, stardate 54342.3

Captain's Log, supplemental

Captain's Log, stardate 54342.8

Captain's Log, stardate 54343.4

Captain's Log, supplemental

Captain's Log, stardate 54344.7

Captain's Log, stardate 54344.9

Captain's Log, stardate 54345.1

Captain's Log, supplemental

Captain's Log, stardate 54345.2

Captain's Log, supplemental

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