Star Trek Humour

Quick Reference

• Star Trek Top 10s
• Dr. Seuss's Star Trek: TNG
• Trek Lightbulb Jokes
  • How they change the lightbulbs on TNG
  • How they change the lightbulbs on DS9
  • How they change the lightbulbs on Voyager
• Trek Writer's Construction Kit
• Ferengi Rules of Acquisition
• Star Wars vs. Star Trek

The Top 10 Signs You've Watched Too Much Star Trek

1. You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the Green Skinned Orion Slave Girl in episode number 7.
2. You pull the legs off your hamster so you'll have a tribble.
3. You tried to join the Navy just so you could serve aboard the Enterprise.
4. Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a Klingon and torture you for information.
5. You went to San Francisco to see if you might bump into Kirk and crew while they were in the 20th century looking for a whale.
6. Your college thesis was a Comparison of the Illustrious Careers of T.J. Hooker and Capt. Kirk.
7. You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say "Star Trek? Isn't that the one with Luke Skywalker?"
8. You have no life.
9. You recognize more than 4 references on this list.
10. You join NASA, hijack a shuttle, and head for the coordinates you calculated for the planet Vulcan.

Top 10 Bumper Stickers on the U.S.S. Enterprise

1. "Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!"
2. "One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it"
3. "HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!"
4. "Guns don't kill people...Class 2 Phasers do!"
5. "Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!"
6. "CAUTION...We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical."
7. "If you can read this...don't you think you're a wee bit too close?"
8. "Have you hugged a Ferengi today?"
9. "We brake for cubes!"
10. "Wesley On Board!"

"Blonde Borgs have the same fun."

Top 20 Uses for Data's Detached Head

1. Combination paperweight/stapler for Picard's desk
2. The ball in Parisis' Squares
3. Hood ornament for Shuttlecraft
4. Replace Troi's broken Chia Pet
5. Scare blind students in Braille class
6. Prop open doors for maintainence crews
7. Lawn decoration in Arboreteum
8. Footstool for Captain's chair
9. entertaining kids in day care puppet show
10. Scare Alexander into doing chores
11. Send to doctor that killed Crystalline entity as gag gift
12. Decorative air filter in picard's fish tank
13. Send to Starfleet Android research center so they can get "ahead" in research
14. Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards
15. Two words: tether ball
16. Keep Worf's coffee table from shaking
17. Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet
18. Donate to Starfleet Academny to be head of the class
19. Use as nutcracker at Christmas time

    and the best use for Data's detatched head...

20. Prove to insuracne company he died so crew can collect on his life insurance policy

Surefire Signs that Star Trek is Taking Over Your Life

1. Saying "make it so" in casual conversation
2. Indignation because the periodic table doesn't include dilithium and tritanium.
3. Able to use "variable phase inverter" in a sentence without excessive thought first
4. More than one pair of Spock ears on junk drawer
5. Have figured out the stardate system
6. Sudden urge to wear lots of Lycra
7. Scanning shelves at local liquor store for synthehol
8. The Star Trek theme becomes background music for your dreams
9. Major quote sources for thesis are Shakespeare, the Bible, and "The Omega Glory"
10. Memorization of the crew's authorization codes
11. Forgetting that present-day elevators don't have voice interface
12. Attending a convention wearing non-Terran vestments
13. Actual serious thoughts about buying that $300 model of the Enterprise from the Franklin Mint
14. Understanding Klingon
15. Lecturing any science professor on how transporters work
16. Playing fizzbin and understanding it
17. "The Outrageous Okona" seems like a fine piece of writing and dramatic stylistics
18. Paying rapt attention during those endless special effects sequences in ST:TMP
19. Inexplicable rock-climbing urges
20. More than three original episode outlines buried in your drawers

20 things that never happen in Star Trek

1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has encountered several times before.
2. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly alright.
3. Some of the crew visits the holodeck, and it works properly.
4. The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new life form, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old life form wearing a funny hat.
5. The crew of the Enterprise is struck by a mysterious plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise sick-bay.
6. The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.
7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without a serious incident.
8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface with the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.
9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.
11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.
12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise" where everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly what it seems.
13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.
14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century.
15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
16. Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
17. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.
18. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change.
19. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.
20. Most things that are new or in some way unexpected.

The Top 10 Favorite Activities of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard

1. ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking himself on the forehead and saying "I could have had a V-8!"
2. yelling "Punchbuggy!" and hitting Riker's arm whenever he sees a shuttlecraft
3. screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the bridge
4. spotlighting unsuspecting crewmembers with the glare from his forehead
5. lecturing everybody on why it's rude to fire the phasers at other life-forms
6. sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if Dick Hertz is there
7. asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show her "a REAL Picard Maneuver"
8. Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in the Neutral Zone by asking "Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?"
9. telling crewmembers in menacing, Dirty Harry voice, "Go ahead, Make it so"
10. putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an away team beams back up

Top 9 Fun Things to do Aboard the Starship Enterprise

1. Skeet shooting the shuttlecraft
2. Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data
3. Giving Worf a nuggie
4. Ordering Pizza from Domino's then going 30 min. into the future just to piss them off (haha, free pizza!)
5. Secretly replacing the Dilithium crystals with New Foldger's crystals
6. Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Jeopardy during self- destruct sequence
7. Watching Captain Picard do his Mr. Clean impression
8. Calling down to the transporter room, ask if they've beamed aboard Prince Albert In A Can
9. Tribble sex!

Top 10 ST:TNG Season 7 episodes that never got aired

1. I, SPOT - Data's cat Spot is assimilated by the Borg and winds up eliminating them all when she chokes on a hair ball.
2. ALEXANDER/ALEXADRIA - Worf's honor is once again put to the test when his son Alexander comes out of the closet and admits to being a cross dresser.
3. THE TRICK - Captain Picard goes on a massive witch hunt to find out who switched his Earl Grey Tea with Folgers Crystals.
4. ENTERPRISE UNBOUND - Serious questions arise about the Enterprise when it suddenly comes to life and gives birth to a Ferengi shuttlecraft.
5. AND THE BAND PLAYED ON - Commander Riker stuns everybody by following their advice and taking trombone lessons.
6. KNIFE IN THE SHADOWS - Worf becomes worried when Troi begins watching old file tapes of what is termed "The Bobbit Case" after she catches him with a new Ensign.
7. THE BEAST WITHIN - Data is put on trial when it is discovered he downloaded several adult .PCX files containing scenes of feline beastiality from a local Ferengi trader.
8. PLAY-TROI - Serious questions arise about Deanna Troi's past when Wesley is caught with a back issue of SWANK Magazine which contains some surprising photographs.
9. BABYLON - The Enterprise passes through a hole in the intra- dimensional fabric and is hurled into another dimension, where the crew are all transformed into bald aliens with bones on the back of their heads.
10. METEOR - Rather than use phasers and destroy a large asteroid headed for a federation colony, Picard tries to talk it into changing course.

Picard:

Sigma Indri, that's the star,
So, Data, please, how far? How far?

Data:

Our ship can get there very fast
But still the trip will last and last
We'll have two days til we arrive
But can the Indrans there survive?

Picard:

LaForge, please give us factor nine.

LaForge:

But, sir, the engines are offline!

Picard:

Offline! But why? I want to go!
Please make it so, please make it so!

Riker:

But sir, if Geordi says we can't,
We can't, we mustn't, and we shan't,
The danger here is far too great!

Picard:

But surely we must not be late!

Troi:

I'm sensing anger and great ire.

Computer:

Alert! Alert! The ship's on fire!

Picard:

The ship's on fire? How could this be? Who lit the fire?

Riker:

Not me.

Worf:

Not me.

Picard:

Computer, how long til we die?

Computer:

Eight minutes left to say goodbye.

Data:

May I suggest a course to take?
We could, I think, quite safely make
Extinguishers from tractor beams
And stop the fire, or so it seems...

Geordi:

Hurray! Hurray! You've saved the day!
Again I say, Hurray! Hurray!

Picard:

Mr. Data, thank you much.
You've saved our lives, our ship, and such.

Troi:

We still must save the Indran planet --

Data:

Which (by the way) is made of granite...

Picard:

Enough, you android. Please desist.
We understand -- we get your gist.
But can we get our ship to go?
Please, make it so, PLEASE make it so.

Geordi:

There's sabotage among the wires
And that's what started all the fires.

Riker:

We have a saboteur? Oh, no!
We need to go! We need to go!

Troi:

We must seek out the traitor spy
And lock him up and ask him why?

Worf:

Ask him why? How sentimental.
I say give him problems dental.

Troi:

Are any Romulan ships around?
Have scanners said that they've been found?
Or is it Borg or some new threat
We haven't even heard of yet?
I sense no malice in this crew.
Now what are we supposed to do?

Crusher:

Captain, please, the Indrans need us.
They cry out, "Help us, clothe us, feed us!"
I can't just sit and let them die!
A doctor MUST attempt -- MUST try!

Picard:

Doctor, please, we'll get there soon.

Crusher:

They may be dead by Tuesday noon.

COMMERCIAL BREAK, COMMERCIAL BREAK
HOW LONG WILL THESE DUMB ADS TAKE?

Worf:

The saboteur is in the brig.
He's very strong and very big.
I had my phaser set on stun --
A zzzip! A zzzap! Another one!
He would not budge, he would not fall,
He would not stun, no, not at all!
He changed into a stranger form
All soft and purple, round and warm.

Picard:

Did you see this, Mr. Worf?
Did you see this creature morph?

Worf:

I did and then I beat him fairly.
Hit him on the jaw -- quite squarely.

Riker:

My commendations, Klingon friend!
Our troubles now are at an end!

Crusher:

Now let's get our ship to fly
And orbit yonder Indran sky!

Picard:

LaForge, please tell me we can go...?

Geordi:

Yes, sir, we can.

Picard:

Then make it so!

Here's a variety of Trek light bulb jokes I've collected - and the last one (the DS9 joke) was written by me.

STANDARD DISCLAIMER - all Star Trek characters copyrighted by Paramount/Viacom. These were created not for gain, but for the purpose of enjoyment amongst fellow Star Trek fans. Peter David should NOT feel threatened, as I am not asking for any monetary reimbursement for this work (nor am I considering myself any better than Peter David, who I consider the BEST Trek fiction writer out there). These are public domain works, and should not be sold.

How many Organians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Silly, they ARE the light bulb.

How many Cardassians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one; however they first have to determine how many lightbulbs they see.

How many Tamarians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Sylvania, when the lamp failed.

How many Vulcans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Approximately 1.0000000000000

Beverly says, "Jean-Luc, there's something I've been meaning to tell you....."

A bulb suddenly fizzles out on the bridge.

Riker asks what the hell happened.

Troi says, "Captain, I sense - darkness".

Data does a complete sweep of the ship, and informs Picard that as well as the light bulb on the bridge, 33 other light bulbs on decks 5-29 have gone out, and some fluorescent tubes in Ten-Forward are about to blow.

Geordi reports from engineering that the Enterprise's supply of light bulbs have mysteriously disappeared. (It later transpires that the bulbs were taken by the Organians, who return them, apologizing for inconveniencing the crew - "It's just that we mistook them for our young."

Worf recommends they attack at once.

Picard eases everybody's minds with a charming story about the early life of Thomas Edison and how his example should be looked upon as inspiration for Starfleet officers.

With Barclay's help, Geordi is able to replicate just enough light bulbs to fill their needs. He also assigns a number of engineers to go throughout the ship and install them.

Wesley helps by going up on a ladder and cleaning the contact points with a pencil eraser. Unfortunately he slips off the ladder and breaks his leg.

Picard notes with delight the improved view on the bridge. He has the Enterprise set course for AlphaBeta 5, and says "Engage".

Well, we've had the TOS and TNG procedures, now I guess it's time we learned:

HOW THEY CHANGE THE LIGHT BULBS ON DEEP SPACE NINE

One of the bulbs suddenly goes out in Ops.

Sisko testily asks what is going on.

O'Brien says that it's the light bulbs - and that oddly a large number of them have been failing with regularity lately.

Kira suggests that it might be a Cardassian plot to de-moralize the Federation to leave the station.

Sisko kindly - but firmly - asks that the bulbs be replaced. As he goes into his office, we see the lights go out suddenly.

Odo immediately launches a station-wide investigation - starting with Quark. (He remembers some Sacred Rule of Acquisition - number unknown - which states "if an opportunity for profit does not currently exist, it is entirely justifiable to invent one").

O'Brien reports from Engineering that there doesn't seem to be any spare light bulbs available on the station - the Cardassians must have taken every spare with them when they left. Worse yet, they're of some weird proprietary design which uses a 223-pin connector and a volatile form of gas which can't be readily replicated.

Dax offers to help O'Brien in trying to jury-rig some new light bulbs - she has some experience, coming from an earlier incarnation, "Bubba" Dax, free-lance Trill electrician, some 200 years ago.

At lunch, Bashir mentions to Garak about the problems the station's been having with the light bulbs. Garak, smiling, says he's sure that the problem can be readily solved.

A bulb in Quark's Bar suddenly goes out. Morn belches and passes out.

Contacted by Sisko, Gul Dukat expresses his condolences over the problems with the light bulbs, but unfortunately his hands are tied regarding getting new light bulbs to the station, as all light bulbs manufactured on Cardassia are immediately earmarked for the Obsidian Order - "and as you know, Commander, light bulbs are an important tool we use in the interrogation process."

Quark mentions that there just MIGHT be a way for him to procure some light bulbs - but he can't promise just WHEN he can get them. However, if the Feds could see to it that he gets his palm greased with enough latinum he could....Kira punches him so hard it leaves a Ferengi-shaped hole in the wall.

Kai Winn contacts the station and ominously states that any attempt to make new light bulbs (which she would consider as mocking the sacredness of the appearance of the "gods" in the wormhole) would be considered blasphemous by the Bajorans - and an act of war.

Garak suddenly appears on the bridge - with a box of light bulbs! Seems he was cleaning out the storeroom in his shop - trying to find the source of some weird sound - and found it hidden behind a box full of zippers. "Just doing my civic duty for my hosts", he says. Bashir flashes him a quick "SURE you are!" look.

Quark berates Rom for making noises while they were back in Garak's storeroom. "You know I always like to hum when I work!" Rom remonstrates.

Odo files his report - turns out it WASN'T the light bulbs burning out. He had caught Jake and Nog red-handed, playing with the circuit breakers, while disguised as the step-stool they used to reach the box.

HOW THEY CHANGE THE LIGHT BULBS ON VOYAGER

Torres informs Janeway that they're running short on lightbulbs since Tal Celes dropped a spanner into the lighting circuit box and blew half of the filaments. The engineering bay is so darn dark anyway, now her crew can't see what they're doing.

Neelix notes that they're nearing an area of space controlled by the Illumina, a bunch of traders who specialise in light-producing devices. He had a few contacts with them when he was back on Talaxia, and if he could borrow a shuttle then might be able to work something out.

Seven suggests fitting all Engineering crew with a version of her ocular implant to help them see in the dark. Torres makes some scathing comment about Borg techo-fetishism. Harry tries to volunteer to be the guinea pig for Seven's idea.

Tuvok is all for grilling Celes to within an inch of her life, and possibly beyond, on suspicion of being a Kazon agent.

Janeway curbs Tuvok's enthusiasm, talks to Celes and helps her feel less guilty about shafting the entire ship. She okays Neelix's trip to the Illumina.

Chakotay meets Janeway in a darkened Engineering bay, shortly after Neelix has departed. He tells her the abridged version of an epic tale of a warrior bringing light to his lost tribe. They smoulder at each other but don't actually do a damn thing despite every JetC'er on the planet screaming at them to snog.

Voyager receives a brief distress message from Neelix's shuttle before it gets cut off. Janeway decides not to go after him because it would endanger the whole crew, following advice from Lt. Cdr. "Anti-Talaxian League" Tuvok.

Naomi Wildman comes to see Janeway in her ready room and says something incredibly cute yet searching, which makes Janeway smile in a caring, motherly way and promise to find Neelix.

Voyager searches for and finds the shuttle, grabbing it with a tractor beam despite heavy Illumina attack, thanks to some fancy flying by Helmboy Paris and to Torres bouncing around Engineering in the dark and programming consoles entirely by feel. The Illumina are repulsed and Voyager continues on track for home. Only 30,000 light years or so to go...

Absolutely no reference is made at all to the Ocampan lightbulb and Delta Quadrant sweetheart, Kes.

Neelix turns out to have nicked a whole crate of bulbs from the Illumina, since they demanded payment by some Delta credit card which Voyager didn't have. Janeway lectures him on Federation tenets of respect for other species' customs, but still uses the bulbs to light Engineering.

PARAMOUNT PICTURES AND MICROSOFT
PRESENT
--- THE ---
--- STAR TREK ---
--- WRITER'S CONSTRUCTION KIT ---
--- FOR WINDOWS 95 ---

Announcing the launch of the latest version of TSTWCK, a 32-bit application specifically designed to take advantage of the new WINDOWS 95 operating system. With this plug-in module for WORD95 and MS WORKS, you can now create your very own scripts for submission to Paramount!

All the features of the previous version:

• AutoTechnoBabble(TM)
  If your scripts are too heavily weighted towards character development, or your plot threads are getting too complex, then simply drag an outline around the offending section of your script, click the spanner icon and hey-presto! Instant technobabble filler for your script! Who says EPS power taps and phased warp plasma relays can't be exciting?
• Excitement Removal Wizard(TM)
  It happens all the time. You've written a script full of dynamic action sequences and breathtaking battle scenes, only for Paramount to announce budget cuts for the next season. Just one click of the JeriTaylor icon(TM) allows you to remove these costly scenes, inserting tender one-on-one character- building dialogue sequences instead.
• Character IntelliSense(TM)
  Have you written a blockbusting script for your favourite Star Trek character, pushing them to their emotional limits in a tense, nail-biting and heart-stopping fashion, only to find that Paramount have assigned you a boring Neelix or Nog-based episode? Character IntelliSense(TM) allows you to instantly re-assign key scenes for the characters Paramount have selected for you. Just click and go!

Plus! New for WINDOWS 95:

• Temporal Anomaly plug-in module(TM)
  Is your script lacking that one important detail that would set it apart from all the others? With this new plug- in module, even you can write exciting scripts up to the lofty standards of Brannon Braga, Rick Berman and Ronald D. Moore. Use the new Anomaly-Mapping Wizard(TM), featuring over 6000 different types of anomaly texture on CD. Make your time-phased warp interloop conduit stand out from the crowd! As used in the first season of Voyager.
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TSTWCK, developed by Paramount Pictures and Microsoft (with a little help from Mark Stevens and Christoper Wood).

  1.  Once you have their money, never give it back.  
      "The Nagus"
  3.  Never spend more for an aquisition than you have to.  
      "The Maquis, Part II"
  6.  Never allow family to stand in the way of opportunity.  
      "The Nagus"
  7.  Keep your ears open.  
      "In The Hands Of The Prophets"
  8.  Small print leads to large risk.
  9.  Opportunity plus instinct equals profit.
 10.  Greed is eternal.  "Prophet Motive"
 13.  Anything worth doing is worth doing for money.
 16.  A deal is a deal...until a better one comes along. 
      "Melora"
 17.  A contract is a contract is a contract...but only 
      between Ferengi. 
      "Body Parts"
 18.  A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all.
 19.  Satisfaction is not guaranteed.
 21.  Never place friendship above profit. 
      "Rules Of Acquisition"
 22.  A wise man can hear profit in the wind. 
      "Rules Of Acquisition"
 27.  There's nothing more dangerous than an honest businessman.
 31.  Never make fun of a Ferengi's mother...insult something 
      he cares about instead.
      "The Siege"
 33.  It never hurts to suck-up to the boss. 
      "Rules Of Acquisition"
 34.  Peace is good for business.
 35.  War is good for business.
 40.  She can touch your lobes but never your latinum.
 41.  Profit is its own reward.
 44.  Never confuse wisdom with luck.
 47.  Don't trust a man wearing a better suit than your own. 
      "Rivals"
 48.  The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife.
      "Rules Of Acquisition"
 52.  Never ask when you can take.
 57.  Good customers are as rare as latinum - treasure them.
      "Armageddon Game"
 58.  There is no substitute for success.
 59.  Free advice is seldom cheap.
      "Rules Of Acquisition"
 60.  Keep your lies consistent.
 62.  The riskier the road, the greater the profit.
      "Rules Of Acquisition"
 65.  Win or lose, there's always Huyperian beetle snuff.
 75.  Home is where the heart is...but the stars are made of latinum.
      "Civil Defense"
 76.  Every once in a while declare peace.  It confuses the hell 
      out of your enemies.
      "The Homecoming"
 79.  Beware of the Vulcan greed for knowledge.
 82.  The flimsier the product, the higher the price.
 85.  Never let the competition know what you're thinking.
 89.  Ask not what your profits can do for you, but what you can 
      do for your profits.
 94.  Females and finances don't mix.
 97.  Enough...is never enough.
 99.  Trust is the biggest liability of all.
102.  Nature decays, but latinum lasts forever.  
      "The Jem Hadar"
103.  Sleep can interfere.
      "Rules Of Acquisition"
104.  Faith moves mountains...of inventory.
106.  There is no honor in poverty.
109.  Dignity and an empty sack is worth the sack.
      "Rivals"
111.  Treat people in your debt like family...exploit them.
112.  Never have sex with the boss' sister.
      "Playing God"
113.  Always have sex with the boss.
117.  You can't free a fish from water.
121.  Everything is for sale, even friendship.
123.  Even a blind man can recognize the glow of latinum.
139.  Wives serve, brothers inherit.
      "Necessary Evil"
141.  Only fools pay retail.
144.  There's nothing wrong with charity...as long as it 
      winds up in your pocket.
162.  Even in the worst of times someone turns a profit.
177.  Know your enemies...but do business with them always.
181.  Not even dishonesty can tarnish the shine of profit.
189.  Let others keep their reputation.  You keep their money.
192.  Never cheat a Klingon...unless you're sure you can 
      get away with it.
194.  It's always good business to know about new customers 
      before they walk in your door.
      "Whispers"
202.  The justification for profit is profit.
203.  New customers are like razor toothed grie-worms.  They 
      can be succulent, but sometimes they bite back.
      "Little Green Men"
211.  Employees are the rungs on the ladder of success. 
      Don't hesitate to step on them.
      "Bar Association"
214.  Never begin a negotiation on an empty stomach.
      "The Maquis, Part I"
218.  Always know what you're buying.
223.  Beware the man who doesn't make time for oo-mox.
229.  Latinum lasts longer than lust.
236.  You can't buy fate.
239.  Never be afraid to mislabel a product.
      "Body Parts"
242.  More is good...all is better.
255.  A wife is a luxury...a smart accountant a necessity.
261.  A wealthy man can afford anything except a conscience.
263.  Never allow doubt to tarnish your lust for latinum.
      "Bar Association"
266.  When in doubt, lie.
284.  Deep down everyone's a Ferengi.
285.  No good deed ever goes unpunished.
      "The Collaborator"

The Ferengi Rules of Acquisition are published by Pocket Books, a division of Simon & Schuster Inc., under exclusive license from Paramount Pictures, and are copyright by Paramount Pictures. No Infringement Intended.

Top Ten Reasons Why the Star Wars Characters Would Kick Butt in the Star Trek Universe

1. In the Star Wars universe, weapons rarely, if ever, are set on "stun".
2. The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of twenty just to go into warp-- the Millenium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.
3. After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable-- after pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.
4. Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.
5. Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.
6. One word: lightsabers.
7. The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named Slave I.
8. The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class "M" or not.
9. Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.
10. Picard pilots the Enterprise through an asteroid belt at one-quarter impulse power. Han Solo floors it.

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