Film and TV Humour

Quick Reference

• The Dead President Sketch
• The Dead Parrot Sketch
• Romanes Eunt Domus
• Hardy Boys Drinking Game
• Disney's Moby Dick
• What We Learn from Baywatch
• Hong Kong Subtitles

The Dead President Sketch

Praline: Hello, I wish to register a complaint...hello? Miss?
Shopkeeper: What do you mean, miss?
P: Oh, I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint.
S: Sorry, we're closing for lunch.
P: Never mind that, my lad, I wish to complain about this President I elected not half an hour ago, from this very voting booth.
S: Oh, yes, the Northeastern Liberal. What's wrong with it?
P: I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it.
S: No, no sir, it's not dead. It's thinking.
P: Thinking?
S: Yeah, remarkable candidate the Northeastern Liberal, beautiful platform, innit?
P: The platform doesn't enter into it -- it's stone dead.
S: No, no -- it's just thinking.
P: All right then, if it's thinking I'll divert its attention. (shouts at slumped form in navy suit) Hello President! I've got some lovely Socialized Medical Programs for you if you wake up!
S: (poking president's head) There it moved.
P: No he didn't. That was you moving his head.
S: I did not.
P: Yes, you did. (yanks president upright by his lapels, shouts) Hello President! (bangs head against the counter) Mr. President, wake up! President! (throws him in the air and lets him fall to the floor) Now that's what I call a dead President.
S: No, no he's a Democrat.
P: Look my lad, I've had just about enough of this. That President is definitely deceased. And when I elected it not half an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out after a prolonged debate.
S: He's probably pining for Thurgood Marshall.
P: Pining for Thurgood Marshall, what kind of talk is that? Look, why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got it home?
S: The Northeastern Liberal is often found on its back. Beautiful politician, lovely platform.
P: Look, I took the liberty of examining that President, and I discovered that the only reason that it had been sitting at its desk in the first place was that it had been nailed there.
S: Well of course it was nailed there. Otherwise it would have jumped out the window of the Oval Office-- and voom!
P: Look matey, (picks up President) this President wouldn't voom if I put four thousand volts through it. It's bleeding demised.
S: It's not, it's pining.
P: He's not pining he's passed on! This President is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet its maker! This is a late President! It's a stiff! Bereft of life it rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed him to the desk, he would be pushing up the daisies! He's off its twig! He's shuffled off his mortal coil! He's run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible! He's fucking snuffed it! This is an ex-President!!
S: Well, I'd better replace it then.
P: To get anything done in this country you've got to complain till you're blue in the mouth.
S: Sorry guv, we're right out of Presidents.
P: I see. I see. I get the picture.
S: I got a Queen.
P: A Queen.
S: Yeah.
P: Pray, does it address the deficit?
S: Not really, no.
P: Well then it's scarcely a replacement, is it?
S: Want to come back to my place?
P: Thought you'd never ask.

The Dead President Sketch is by: Monty Python
except for the nasty bits which were written by: Elizabeth Barrett Revulsion and Whiplash Smile and Montgomery J. Moose.

(Ms. Revulsion is actually fond of liberals. Whiplash Smile is not. Montgomery J. Moose finds the liberals passionately exciting)

To every Monty Python fan out there: GREETINGS!!

I posted the first two lines of the dead parrot skit some days ago, not expecting the reactions I got. In return I post this.

I had a lot of fun trying to figure out the right words of the MP DEAD PARROT skit. I've transcribed a live recording on tape and I think it's from the Hollywood Bowl performance (in 1970-something).

However, I was not able to make everything out and would therefore welcome any correction or addition. Words I don't understand or aren't sure of are between brackets.

If you - readers of alt.fan.monty-python - already discussed this skit's (correct) lines, I am sorry, I didn't know about it. I first got to read any of the usenet newsgroup articles beginning this April...

Any personal remarks, please to my e-mail address: S0361690@let.rug.nl

THANKS!!

Carolien.

THE DEAD PARROT

C: I wish to register a complaint! Hello, miss...
P: What do you mean, 'miss'?
C: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint.
P: Sorry, we're closed for lunch.
C: Never mind that my lad, I wish to complaint about this parrot, what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
P: Ah, yes. The, er, the Norwegian Blue. What's er, what's wrong with it.
C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. He's dead, that's what's wrong with it.
P: No, no, he's er, he's resting.
C: Look mate, I know a dead parrot when I see one. And I am looking at one right now.
P: No, no, he's er, he's not dead, he's, he's resting, you know... Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, ain't it, hey? Beautiful plumage.
C: The plumage don't enter in to it! He's stone dead.
P: No, no, he's, he's resting.
C: Alright then, if he's resting I'll wake him up. Hello, mister Polly parrot, (sound of cage being hit) I got a nice fresh banana.
P: He moved.
C: No he didn't! I saw you hit the cage.
P: I never!
C: YES... YOU... DID!
P: I didn't.
C: HELLO POLLY! WAKEY, WAKEY! This is your nine o'clock alarm call! (sound of knocking) Now that is what I call a dead parrot.
P: He's stunned.
C: Stunned?
P: Yeah, you stunned him, just as he was waking up. Norwegian Blues stun easily.
C: Now look, don't play the slippery eel with me. That parrot is definitely deceased. And when I purchased it not half an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long squawk.
P: Well, he's er, he's probably pining for the fiords.
C: Pining for the fiords?!! What kind of talk is that? Now why did it fall flat on his back the moment I got him home?
P: The Norwegian Blue prefers kipping on his back. Remarkable bird ain't it, ay, Major? Beatiful plumage!
C: Look, tosh, I took the liberty of examining that bird when I got it home, and I discovered that the only reason it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
P: Well ofcourse it was NAILED there. Listen, if I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have muscled out of them bars, bend them apart with his little beak and VOOM!
C: VOOM?
P: VOOM.
C: Mate, this parrot would't voom if you put 4 million volts through it. He's bleedin' deMIzed!
P: No, no, he's pining!
C: He's not pining, he's, he's passed on! This parrot is no more. He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet his maker! He's a stiff. Bereft of life, he rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed him to the perch he'd be pushing up the daisies! He's up the twig! He's curled up his tootsies! He's shovelled off this mortal coil! He's rung down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible! He fuckin' snuffed it! Vis-a-vis the metabolic processes, he's had his lot! All statements to the effect that this parrot is still a going concern are from now inoperative! This is an ex-parrot!
P: Well, I better replace it then.
C: If you want to get anything down in this country you have to complain till you're blue in the face. What's the news?
P: Well, I had a little look around the back. And we're right out of parrots.
C: I see, I see. I get the picture.
P: I got a slug.
C: Does it talk?
P: Yep!
C: Right. I'll have that one then.

ROMANES EUNT DOMUS

[Brian (B) approaches the palace wall at night, and starts painting something on the wall. He does not, however see a group of Roman guards approaching from behind him led by a Centurian (C) who reads his writing.]
C: What's this then? Romanes eunt domus. People called Romanes they go the house?
B: It, it says 'Romans go home'.
C: No it doesn't. What's latin for 'Roman'? Come on...
B: aaah.
C: Come on.
B: Ah! Romanus?
C: Goes like?
B: Annus?
C: Vocative plural of 'annus' is?
B: Anni?
C: Romani. [He crosses out the 'es' and writes in 'i'.] Eunt? What is eunt?
B: Go.
C: Conjugate the verb 'to go'.
B: Uh. Ire - Uh... eo, is, it, imus, itis, eunt.
C: So eunt is?
B: Ah, Uh, Third person plural of present indicative. They go.
C: But Romans go home is an order, so you must use the? [The centurian lifts Brian by the sideburns... nasty, eh?]
B: The imperative.
C: Which is?
B: Ahm. Oh, oh, um... I, I.
C: How many Romans?
B: Ah. Plural, plural... ite, ite.
C: Ite. [He again corrects the writing on the wall.] Domus? Nominative? 'Go home'? This is motion towards, isn't it, boy?
B: Dative, sir. [The Centurian takes out his weapon, and holds it to Brian's throat.] AAAHH! No, not dative, not the dative, sir. Oh, Ah. Uh. The accusative accusative. Ah, Domum, sir. Ab domum! Ah! Oooh! Ah!
C: Except that 'domus' takes the?
B: The locative, sir.
C: Which is?
B: Domum. Aaah! ah. [Again, the writing is amended.]
C: Domum... um... Understand?
B: Yes, sir.
C: Now write it out a hundred times.
B: Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caeser, sir.
C: Hail Caeser. And if it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off.
B: Ooh, thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caeser and everything, sir. Oh. Mmm! [The Centurian walks off leaving two sentries behind to guard him.]

This is like all the other drinking games on the net, except that you drink while reading, instead of watching the TV. For this game, you can choose whatever you'd like to drink, although with the subject matter being what it is, I'd recommend Kool-Ade. :)

This file was inspired by discussions between me and my roommates about random weird things we remembered from the Hardy Boys.

Other people have given me ideas for this list. If I did not come up with one of the lines, I have attributed it to the person who thought of it.

I don't know if any of this is applicable to Nancy Drew, but you can try! :)

And so it begins...

• Drink every time their father is offered a case, and he lets Frank and Joe investigate it.
• Drink every time the Hardy Boys suddenly decide to fly somewhere, and don't seem to need any money.
• Drink every time someone says something to the effect of "Oh, you're Fenton's boys!" and gives them access they couldn't get access to otherwise.
• Drink every time something way to convienient occurs to help them investigate the case. (e.g. They're investigating a fire department, and there's a fire engine factory just outside of town.)
• Drink every time Frank and Joe get access to new or experimental technology.
• Drink every time one of the Hardy Boy's friends gets kidnapped. Drink twice if it's Chet Morton.
• Drink every time money is mentioned or used, and it isn't directly related to the main plot of the story. (Sorry, this'll never happen.)
• Drink every time something completely impossible happens. (e.g. Frank and Joe pilot the Space Shuttle.)
• Drink every time a ghost or supernatural force is revealed to be a criminal plot.
• Drink every time the bad guys do something completely stupid.
• Drink every time Frank and Joe go to school. (Again, it'll never happen.)
• Drink every time Frank and Joe find a secret passage.
• Drink every time the Hardys meet Nancy Drew.
• Drink every time Frank finds Joe unconcious, and vice-versa.
• Drink every time Joe gets in a fight.
• Drink every time the Hardys recieve a clue in the form of a puzzle. Drink twice if it's the chapter's cliffhanger.
• Drink every time someone mentioned that they had worked with their father when he was on the New York Police Force.
• Drink every time one of the Hardy boys acts like Mr. Spock by knowing obscure or helpful knowledge that JUST HAPPENS to relate to the story at hand. (e.g. they go to Germany, and speak perfect German.) Drink twice if it's Frank.
• Drink every time someone is hypnotized or brainwashed.
• Drink every time the Hardy Boys leave the continent (16 and 17, mind you) without any form of a legal or appointed gaurdian.
• Drink every time the Hardy Boys violate curfew (In most states, 12:00 midnight).
• Drink every time Frank and Joe run into some Law enforcement angent that doesn't care who their father is, and ends up apologizing at the end of the case. Drink twice if it is a sherif.

• Drink everytime the bad guys attack with chloroform instead of guns.

-Dan Brown, chronos@imsa.edu

Recently, I saw Disney's "The Hunchback of Notre Dame", and this gave me the idea what would happen if classic writers were employed by Disney. The question is that the marketing reps would require classic literature to be rewritten to make them more marketable. For example, this might be a conversation between Herman Melville and a marketing rep from Disney.

(MR will stand for Marketing Rep)

What if Herman Melville worked for Disney?

MR: Mr. Melville, I have read your book "Moby Dick", and it has some good points to it, but we would like you to make some changes to it.
Melville: I don't understand.
MR: Well, we like the fact the story is about a whale. Kids like animals. We also like the fact that there is a multi-racial crew aboard the Pequod. Queequeg is magnificent. I think Starbuck should be an African-American. However, there are still a few changes we would like you to make.
Melville: Changes?
MR: Yes. For example, there are no women aboard the Pequod. How are we going to sell this story if there is no woman for Ishmael to fall in love with?
Melville: But, there are no women on whalers.
MR: Well, you got a point there, but we still need a woman on the boat. I got it, she can be a princess that is running away from her evil father because she's going to marry a total jerk.
Melville: There are no princesses in New England.
MR: Yeah, right. I know. She is an animal rights activist and doesn't believe that they should kill whales. So, she stows away to stop the crew from killing any whales.
Melville: But the whole point is that they kill whales to make their living.
MR: You want this to sell, don't you? Then we have a woman that will "save the whales". We need a name. Jasmine, already taken. Belle, no. Esmeralda, no, we gave that one to Hugo. I got it, Cellina. Yeah, Cellina the woman from Greenpeace.
Melville: Green who?
MR: OK, now this Ishmael character. He's too dark and depressed. We need him to be strong and handsome so that Cellina can fall in love with him.
Melville: But being depressed is the reason he's going out to sea.
MR: No, he should be into adventure. Listen to this. Ishmael catches Cellina stowing away. However, instead of him turning her in, he decides to help her to save the whales. At risk of his own life, because if they are caught, Captain Ahab will feed them both to the sharks.
Melville: Why would Ishmael help her? He's signed aboard a whaling ship, you know?
MR: Well, it's because he sees Cellina's hour glass figure, her smile, her long beautiful blonde hair, her passion for whales.
Melville: Whoa! He's going to betray the entire ship for one woman?
MR: Well, Ishmael is an adventurer. He doesn't really realize what they (the crew) are doing by killing whales. This will be the tension in his relationship with Cellina. She convinces him that what they're doing is wrong.
Melville: Hold on. Ishmael doesn't know what they're doing to the whales? He's signed on to a whaling ship. I think it would be obvious.
MR: Also, Moby Dick doesn't have a big enough part in the book. I got it. Ishmael and Cellina befriend the whale. They talk to him at night while nobody else notices. Yeah, and Moby has two side kick dolphins, Francesca and Riggoletto. Yeah, kids love dolphins.....
Melville: The whale talks?...
MR: Sure he does! How else can we make stuffed animal toys to sell?
Melville: And nobody else is going to notice that a great white whale is right next to the boat?
MR: No, they're all asleep. That is except for Captain Ahab's evil sidekick parrot, Iago. Oh no, Iago is Jafar's evil sidekick parrot. I got it: Rasputin. The parrot tells Ahab, then Ahab spies on Ishmael and Cellina to wait for Moby Dick to talk to them. Then Ahab wakes the whole crew so that they can try to kill the whale. Cellina blames Ishmael for this. However, Ishmael sabotages the harpoons in a big fight sequence. Then this typhoon comes and Cellina falls overboard. Ishmael tries to help her, but he can't because he's in a fight with Queequeg and Starbuck. Moby dives into the water and rescues Cellina. Then, lightning hits the main sail. Water rushes over the deck. The ship is blown apart. All the crew is in the water drowning. Cellina convinces Moby to save the crew which he does. He puts them all on his back. Then Captain Ahab and Rasputin come up with a big harpoon in a long boat. Ahab says "Now I got you, Moby Dick!!!" Well, at that point Cellina screams, and Ishmael shouts "No!!!" But Right as Ahab is about to throw the harpoon, he is knocked overboard by Francesca and Riggoletto. Ahab is last seen swimming for his life because two sharks (Annastasia and Nikoli) are chasing him and the parrot. The final scene has the whole crew on another boat where the captain is marrying Ishmael and Cellina with Moby Dick, Francesca, and Rigoletto jumping in and out of the water like you see in those Sea World shows.......

1. American men and women spend 15 percent of their days running in slow motion along the beach.
2. Americans almost drown an average of two times each hour.
3. Despite the habit of breathing water, CPR always works and no one actually dies, except from cancer.
4. People in the U.S. look thoughtfully at the ocean for an average of 15 seconds after being told anything of any importance.
5. Americans never worry about getting enough to eat, but fat people are unreliable and sometimes evil.
6. Most American women have abnormally large breasts that are worshipped via close-ups for an average of two minutes and thirteen seconds per hour.
7. When swimming in California, you are more likely to be attacked by jewel thieves or taken hostage by terrorists than you are to drown.
8. Most activity that takes place off the beach occurs in montages and lasts no longer than two minutes.
9. Although Americans, especially lifeguards, complain that they are poor, they all have expensive sports cars and luxurious homes.
10. Motorboats, unlike cars, will not talk back to David Hasselhoff.

1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
3. Gun wounds again?
4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.
8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.
11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
12. You daring lousy guy.
13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!
14. I have been scared shitless too much lately.
15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?
19. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert floor for your aunts to eat.
20. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough extermination.
21. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.

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