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Employment Humour

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Best Boss Comments

Winners Week of December 22
Comment from CEO: "Advancement in this company is based entirely on merit. It's been that way since my grandfather bought the company."
Comment from my Boss: "It seems you're just an over-achiever and that's simply not good for the team."
Winners Week of December 15
After several strong sales months, my company decided to print 'employee appreciation t-shirts'. They went on sale the following Monday. "I just got another email message from our office in Spain and it is still in Spanish. I think there's a problem with our Internet connection."
I needed two days off, but I had no vacation time left. When I offered to work extras hours to offset this time my Boss said "Absolutely not. You are salaried and expected to work extra hours. How would I distinguish between the extra hours you are expected to work and the extra hours you want to work?"
Winners Week of December 8
My Boss thought his nasty email message to the President was anonymous, until the President replied and requested an immediate meeting with my Boss and the Personnel Director.
Instructions from my Boss: "We have four, 15-inch computer monitors in storage. I want you to get the biggest one and put it in my office."
After a year's hard work, I did not receive a raise. My Boss said "Your work is important, but not valuable".
Winners Week of December 1
My Boss returned his modem to the computer store. He said "The lights on the front kept flickering."
I work at a retirement home. They just posted a sign which reads: "It is now illegal to harm residents." Is this a new rule?
We were at a business dinner recently and started talking about family values and old TV programs. My Boss, a very breasty women in a low cut dress, turned to the Vice President for his favorite show. He looked up and said "My favorite show was Leave it to Cleavage ... I, uh, I mean, I mean, Leave it to Beaver, that show with the Cleavers.
Winners Week of November 25
My boss wanted to send a fax to our head office, but he was afraid someone else would read it besides the President. So I told him to put it in an envelope before he faxed it. He did!
"I just went to some computer training and I learned some really neat tricks. There's a way to erase a disk with just one command." Smiling ear-to-ear, my Boss pushed me out of the way and typed "Erase C:*.*"
Winners Week of November 17
Several years ago we got our first fax machine. It was a "hand-me-down" fax machine from another departmeent with the curly type paper. As the first fax came through the machine, I handed it to our Boss. He said "This is curled, why couldn't they fax us the original?"
After a recent Human Resources survey, it was clear that my salary was well below the industry average for paralegals. To correct the situation, my Boss changed my title.
I submitted a suggestion to my Boss that would save the company millions. After two weeks of silence, I went to my Boss to get his feedback. He said "Oh, I threw your suggestion away. Only managers can make suggestions."
Winners Week of December 22
Taking Control
Our purchasing group was negotiating with a major paint supplier. Because of our volume of orders, we were in a strong position to negotiate. Finally, after two days of heated wrangling, we got the manufacturer to agree to a 35% discount.
As we were about to sign the contract, the President, who had not been a party to the negotiations, walked in and tore it up. He said "I'm going to teach you purchasing people how to play hardball. That's the way you make it in this world."
At that, he turned to the manufacturer's representatives and said "We'll give you 10% under your quoted price, take it or leave it. There are other suppliers out there."
The supplier quickly leaped at the change. Turning to us as he left, the President said "I hope you learned something from that."
A Higher Authority
My Boss is so MEAN that I frequently go home in tears. I have worked for the same hospital system for over 15 years, but my Director treats me as if I am unseasoned and unprofessional.
One evening, after a particularly BAD day, I returned home sobbing. My 4 year old daughter met me at the door and asked if my Boss had been "mean" to me again. I told her "yes" but not to worry about it. When I went to her room, later that night to tuck her in, I heard her asking God to "make Mommie's Boss nicer". I thought to myself how precious that was and I shared the story with my co-workers the next day.
Right after lunch, I was summoned to my Director's office. To my amazement, I was written up for insubordination! Astonished, I asked why. He said "I heard your daughter was talking to GOD. Don't talk to HIM about me or other hospital matters."
Winners Week of December 15
Rubbed Out
I'm a web page designer for a university in Georgia. I was called by a prominent organization that we belong to and told that I had won first place for a design. The prize was going to be given to me at a banquet in California.
Immediately, I told my Boss that I wanted to go and accept the award. Without offering congratulations, he said that the budget was tight and that the university couldn't afford to send me.
The following week my Boss went to accept the award for me. After seeing the award, he discovered that my name was engraved on it. He made the Committee re-issue the plague, blank. Now, my award hangs in his office.
Sorry You Asked
While working as an art director for a small magazine, I and my fellow employees were invited by our publisher to a meeting to 'brainstorm' about possible improvements.
As the meeting began and the words, "Anybody got any ideas?" left my Boss's lips, there fell an awkward silence. I saw my opportunity to chime in with all the great ideas I had since my employment began 2 months prior, so I went for it.
My Boss and I got into a tremendous dialogue while my work mates remained silent. I felt I was really making a difference. After the meeting was over, every one of my fellow workers commended me on my obvious passionate desire for the success of our magazine and the great ideas I had shared. The following morning my Boss asked me to step into her office. I felt certain I was to be praised for my sure-fire plan for success. Instead, I was reamed for suggesting that our magazine was less than perfect. I was then told to apologize to everyone in the office for implying that they were less than competent professionals.
Winners Week of December 8
An Incentive For Good Work
One of the employees in my department resigned. Instead of filling the position at $30,000/year, I suggested an alternative incentive plan. Each month, the most productive worker in my department could earn a $1,000 bonus, if the department's monthly goals were met. My Boss reviewed my proposal and rejected it -- including the $18,000 annual savings. She said "What if this worked? Everyone in the company would want to work for you."
Qualified For My Job
I work on a construction site as a carpenter. It is a union job and I am not supposed to do any digging. However, finding a laborer frequently takes too long and I occasionally do the digging myself.
The other day, my Foreman was walking through the job site on a rare tour with some 'suits' from the home office. When he got to my area, he caught me digging. I guess he was too occupied with the big wigs to notice that I was the carpenter. In his usual condescending manner he said "Too bad you didn't finish high school, maybe then you wouldn't have to do that digging". I replied "Too bad I went at all, I could have been a foreman".
Winners Week of December 1
The Cost of Cheating
After months of hard work, I closed a deal for $70,000,000. My customer bought the equipment because of our strong personal relationship and my company's technical capabilities. Six months later they doubled the order.
My Bosses, thinking that they had closed the deal, limited my commission to a fraction of what it should have been. I found a new job and quit. A week later my customer moved the order to my new company.
A Blazing Tale
I worked as a secretary for a large metropolitan hospital. My son who was five at the time was in day care at a church just three blocks away. One day one of my co-workers ran into the office and screamed "the church is on fire, the church is on fire". Immediately, I ran out the hospital. As I approached the church I could see the smoke, the fire, four fire engines and people everywhere. I was in a panic. I lost my shoe, tore my dress and dropped my purse looking for my son. Luckily, on this particular day, the children had gone to arts and crafts across the street in another building. All the children were safe.
After finding my child, and praising God, I returned to work completely frazzled and disheveled. When I made it back to my desk, with my son in tow, my Boss approached me frantically. She said "You left your station without permission. You know you will be disciplined for this".
Winners Week of November 25
Your Emergency
I am the manager of the secretarial pool. One night a Sales Rep came to my office in a panic. He said he had a very important proposal that HAD to go out that night. It was 5:00 o'clock, I was tired and I refused. Before I could leave the department the Sales Rep managed to reach the VP who called and 'convinced' me to get it done.
Before I started the proposal, I told the sales rep that I would miss my ride and as a result, I would be without a way to get home. With clear salesman charm, the rep offered to take me home. He said he would be waiting in his office upstairs.
Without that worry I went to work. I worked non-stop until 8:00 p.m. Proud of my accomplishment, I carried it up to the salesman's office. The floor was empty and his office was dark. The cleaning crew said he left at 5:30.
The Right Elements
After two and one-half years of college I quit and got a job at a major retailer. I quickly learned the ropes and, within the span of eight months, began training the newly hired managers on how to do their job, as well as mine. I repeatedly asked to enter the management training program, seeing as how I already knew how to run the store and had already proven myself as an outstanding employee.
My district manager repeatedly denied my requests, while hiring management trainees with no retail experience or degrees in related subjects. I finally confronted my Boss when a fellow associate was promoted after being with the company for three weeks. She said "It takes experience and education to get ahead. You'll need a college degree to be successful, here."
Winners Week of November 17
A Security Breech
I was hired as a third shift security officer in a local chemical plant. The company was losing supplies and they wanted me to investigate. After just two weeks, I informed the Plant Manager that the foreman on third shift was carrying the goods off the rear docks. He said "My Brother?"
A Tough Time
One day my Boss noticed that we used a luxury brand of toilet paper - and the supply was running low. So he took the initiative to buy 24 rolls of recycled, cheapo, sandpaper-style paper, which he proudly boasted cost 20% less than the luxury brand. He made sure everyone knew about his cost saving exercise.
Later that day the President showed my Boss the maintenance contract. Our cleaning service buys all cleaning supplies.

Doomed Interviews

People spend interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:

  1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."
  2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."
  3. " A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."
  4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."
  5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve"
  6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."
  7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."
  8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."
  9. "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."
  10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."
  11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."
  12. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."
  13. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."
  14. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more.
    "I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."
  15. "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."
  16. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."
  17. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."
  18. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."

Work vs Prison

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
In prison you get 3 meals a day.
At work you get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison a guard locks & unlocks, opens & closes the doors for you.
At work you must carry a security card and unlock & open doors yourself.
In prison you have your own toilet.
At work you have to share.
In prison they allow you to visit your family and friends.
At work you can't even speak to family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic and psychotic.
At work we call them managers.
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