More Education Jokes

Quick Reference

• Finals
• The Night Before Finals
• Letter to MIT
• The College Food Chain
• Vocabulary Homework
• The Talking Frog
• I Will Revise

Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions.

Time limit: 2 hours. Begin immediately.

• History: Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.
• Medicine: You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until you work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.
• Public Speaking: 2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.
• Biology: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English Parliamentary System. Prove your thesis.
• Music: Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.
• Psychology: Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisis, Rameses II, Hammuarabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.
• Sociology: Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.
• Engineering: The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungry bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel necessary. Be prepared to justify your decision.
• Economics: Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist Controversy and the Wave Theory of Light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.
• Political Science: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects if any.
• Epistemology: Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your stand.
• Physics: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.
• Philosophy: Sketch the development of human thought. Estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.
• General Knowledge: Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

Twas the night before finals,
And all through the college,
The students were praying
For last minute knowledge.

Most were quite sleepy,
But none touched their beds,
While visions of essays
Danced in their heads.

Out in the taverns,
A few were still drinking,
And hoping that liquor
Would loosen up their thinking.

In my own room,
I had been pacing,
And dreading the exams
I soon would be facing.

My roomate was speechless,
His nose in his books,
And my comments to him
Drew unfriendly looks.

I drained all the coffee,
And brewed a new pot,
No longer caring
That my nerves were shot.

I starred at my notes,
But my thoughts were muddy,
My eyes went ablurr
I just couldn't study.

"Some pizza might help,"
I said with a shiver,
But each place I called
Refused to deliver.

I nearly concluded,
That life was too cruel,
With futures depending
On grades had in school.

When all of a sudden,
Our door opened wide,
And Patron Saint Put It Off
Ambled inside.

His spirit was careless,
His manner was mellow,
All of a sudden,
He started to bellow.

"On Cliff notes, on crib notes,
On last years exams.
On wingit and slingit
And last minute crams."

His message delivered,
He vanished from sight.
But we heard him laughing
Outside in the night.

"Your teachers have pegged you,
So just do your best.
Happy Finals To All
And to all a Good Test."

MIT certainly has a reputation to be proud of, but its admissions department went a little over-board, I think. I actually received this letter, and actually mailed the following (original) response.

April 18, 1994
Mr. John T. Mongan
123 Main Street
Smalltown, California 94123-4567

Dear John:

You've got the grades. You've certainly got the PSAT scores. And now you've got a letter from MIT. Maybe you're surprised. Most students would be.

But you're not most students. And that's exactly why I urge you to consider carefully one of the most selective universities in America.

The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful indicator that you might well be an excellent candidate for MIT. It certainly got my attention!

Engineering's not for you? No problem. It may surprise you to learn we offer more than 40 major fields of study, from architecture to brain and cognitive sciences, from economics (perhaps the best program in the country) to writing.

What? Of course, you don't want to be bored. Who does? Life here is tough and demanding, but it's also fun. MIT students are imaginative and creative - inside and outside the classroom.

You're interested in athletics? Great! MIT has more varsity teams - 39 - than almost any other university, and a tremendous intramural program so everybody can participate.

You think we're too expensive? Don't be too sure. We've got surprises for you there, too.

Why not send the enclosed Information Request to find out more about this unique institution? Why not do it right now?

Sincerely,

Michael C. Benhke
Director of Admissions

P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "Insight," just check the appropriate box on the form.

May 5, 1994
Michael C. Behnke
MIT Director of Admissions
Office of Admissions, Room 3-108
Cambridge MA 02139-4307

Dear Michael:

You've got the reputation. You've certainly got the pomposity. And now you've got a letter from John Mongan. Maybe you're surprised. Most universities would be.

But you're not most universities. And that's exactly why I urge you to carefully consider one of the most selective students in America, so selective that he will choose only one of the thousands of accredited universities in the country.

The level of pomposity and lack of tact reflected in your letter is a powerful indicator that your august institution might well be a possibility for John Mongan's future education. It certainly got my attention!

Don't want Bio-Chem students? No problem. It may surprise you to learn that my interests cover over 400 fields of study, from semantics to limnology, from object-oriented programming (perhaps one of the youngest professionals in the country) to classical piano.

What? Of course you don't want egotistical jerks. Who does? I am self indulgent and over confident, but I'm also amusing. John Mongan is funny and amusing - whether you're laughing with him or at him.

You're interested in athletes? Great! John Mongan has played more sports - 47 - than almost any other student, including oddball favorites such as Orienteering.

You think I can pay for your school? Don't be too sure. I've got surprises for you there, too.

Why not send a guaranteed admission and full scholarship to increase your chance of being selected by John Mongan? Why not do it right now?

Sincerely,

John Mongan

P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "John Mongan: What a Guy!" just ask.

THE DEAN

THE DEPARTMENT HEAD

PROFESSOR

ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR

ASSISTANT PROFESSOR

INSTRUCTOR

GRADUATE STUDENT

UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT

LeRoy is an 18 year old 9th grader. This is LeRoy's homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary work in a sentence.

• Foreclose - If I pay alimony this month, I'll have no money forclose.
• Rectum - I had two Cadillacs, but my ol'lady rectum both.
• Hotel - I gave my girlfriend da crabs and the hotel everybody.
• Disappointment - My parole officer tol me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to da big house.
• Penis - I went to da doctor and he handed me a cup and said penis.
• Israel - Alonso tried to sell me a Rolex, I said, man that looks fake. He said bullshit, that watch Israel.
• Catacomb - Don King was at the fight the other night, man somebodyu oughta give dat catacomb.
• Undermine - There is a fine lookin hoe livin' in the appartment undermine.
• Acoustic - When I was lil' my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to da pool hall.
• Iraq - When we got to da pool hall, I tol my uncle iraq, you break.
• Stain - My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her do you plan on stain for dinner?
• Seldom - My cousin gave me two tickets to the Nicks game, so I seldom.
• Honor - At the rape trial, the Judge axed my buddy, who be honor first?
• Odyssey - I tol my brother, you odyssey the tits on that hoe.
• Horde - My sister go in trouble because she horde around in school.
• Tripoli - I was gonna buy my ol'lady a bra for her birthday, but I couldn't find a tripoli.
• Fortify - I axed the hoe how much? She said fortify, honey.
• Income - I just got in bed wit dis hoe and income my wife.

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The boy said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

At first I was afraid, I was petrified!
Kept thinking I could never pass with no revision guide,
But then I spent so many nights,
getting all the questions wrong,
And I grew strong,
And I learned I could scrape along,

I won't look back, to any place,
When I can swallow 15 cans and get completely off my face,
I would have revised by the clock,
I would have had no spare time free,
If I'd thought for just one second my exams would bother me,

So all my notes, are on the floor,
Don't even matter...
that there's no rock night anymore...
Weren't you the one who tried to get me to revise?
You think I'd crumble?
You think I'd work towards the skies?

Oh no, not I!
I won't revise!
Unless I die of beer stains,
I know I'll stay alive,
Though my money's at an end,
I've my overdraft to spend,
I won't revise,
I won't revise!!

It took all the strength I had, not to act the part,
But in the end my real revision didn't even start.
I used to sit at home at night,
feeling guilty to myself,
I used to try,
but now I hold my head up high,

And you see me!
Somebody new!
I'm not that mixed up weird bloke who wants a good 2:2
So if you feel like dropping in,
chances are that I'll be free,
Coz I've done sod all revision, and I'm failing my degree,

Oh no, not I!
I won't revise,
I think that I may scrape a third, but I could be telling lies!
Let the lecturers all storm,
My bed's far too nice and warm,
I won't revise,
I won't revise,
oh dear!!