Education Humour

Quick Reference

• Grad Student's Checklist
• A New Way to Teach Software Engineering
• Mathmo, Physicist and Engineer Jokes
• 148 Thesis Defence Don'ts
• Latin For The 90's

The following has been floating around Computer Science Departments for several years; it just resurfaced here at RPI. It's still as funny as it ever was ...

A grad-student emotion check-list

A friend forwarded this to me, and I thought it worthy of a posting...

HORIZONS IN COMPUTER SCIENCE EDUCATIONAL TECHNOLOGY

Recent studies have shown that while undergraduate students are more intelligent than kindergarten students, the mentality and attention span of the two groups are similar. With this in mind, we introduce a new concept in Computer Science education:

COMPUTER SCIENCE SESAME STREET

One of these programs is not like the others,
One of these programs will really teach yer,
One of these programs is not like the others,
Yes, that's not a bug, that's a feature.

Voiceover:
c
C
C?
C!
printf!
while ((c=getchar() != EOF) {}
C!

Song:
Dum diddle diddle diddle dum de dum dum,
Dum diddle diddle diddle,

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
A
B
C
D
E
F

Narrator: Hello Oscar, how are you today?

Oscar the Grouch: Go away: I've just found a new garbage collection algorithm.

Narrator: Tell me about it Oscar....

Kermit: This is Kermit the Frog reporting for Sesame Street news. Today, we interview Professor Biskit who works on cookie biosearch. Hello Professor Biskit, what have you got there?

Prof: Arcchhh, I am trying to find out iv there is zarch a sing as an infinitely long coorkie. Dis machine vill produce every sort of coorkie possible: big cookies, dittle cookies, square cookies, round cookies. The cookies come out dis hole here.

Kermit: You mean if you get a really long cookie, it will come out of the hole like a sausage?

Prof: Yaaaass, that's right. Now I vill set de machine going, and ve can start vatching de corkies.

GRRRRUNNNCCHHHH CHUGGA CHUGGA CHUGGA CHUGGA...

Prof: Aass here comes one,... CLUNK

Cookie Monster: Cooooookie! Chomp.

Prof: Und another. Dis one eees square: CLUNK.

Kermit: Uh professor...

Prof: Don't bother me now, I'm vatchin coorkies.

Kermit: What if there isn't an infinitely long cookie?

Prof: Then they vill come out of dis machine forever - there are an infinite number of possible corkies you know.

Kermit: And what if the machine starts making an infinitely long cookie?

Prof: Thats obvious you frogk, I vill have to vait for it to come out.

Kermit: And how long will that take?

Prof: Forever.

Kermit: So if there isn't an infinitely long cookie, you have to wait forever and if there is, you have to wait forever too. How are you going to find out if there is an infinitely long cookie today?

Prof: Don't interrupt. Here comes a triangular one viff purple spots.

Cookie monster: CRUNCH. GULP.

Prof: My machine!

Kermit: Well, it looks as if the cookie monster has transcended the question of whether there is an infinitely long cookie by eating the cookie machine. A good thing as the computation was UNCOMPUTABLE.

----------

Narrator: Hello Big Bird. What's all this mess?

Big Bird: I'm planting a binary tree. That way, I can nest in it and I won't have to fly South for the winter.

Narrator: How long will it take for the tree to grow tall enough?

Big Bird: If I add branches randomly it will take me log_2(t)/1.386.

Narrator: Tell me why, Big Bird?

...

----------

This program has been brought to you by the language C and the number F.
This has been a production of the Computer Science Television Workshop.

COMPUTER SCIENCE YOUNG ONES

Vivian: This calls for a subtle combination of mathematics and extreme violence.

Rick: Oh you couldn't theorize even if you picked your nose with a silicon chip.

Vivian: OK, watch! This is how you dismantle a binary tree in constant time...

CRUNCH, CHOP, CRASH...

Neil: WOW. Heavy. Look at the mess. Look at all the garbage!

Garbage: Now they'll try to clean me up in constant time, but they've forgotten about all those cycles caused by curly lentils...

Vivian: Oh no we didn't because I cut all the cycles before I chopped down the tree...

Rick: You can't do that in linear time! What sort of a snotty nosed gullible girlie do you think I am?

Vivian: Well I had him fooled!

Neil: No you didn't! I was just waiting for the tree to spontaneously re-assemble.

1

The physicist calculates the velocity of the deer and the effect of gravity on the bullet, aims his rifle and fires. Alas, he misses; the bullet passes three feet behind the deer. The deer bolts some yards, but comes to a halt, still within sight of the trio.

"Shame you missed," comments the engineer, "but of course with an ordinary gun, one would expect that." He then levels his special deer-hunting gun, which he rigged together from an ordinary rifle, a sextant, a compass, a barometer, and a bunch of flashing lights which don't do anything but impress onlookers, and fires. Alas, his bullet passes three feet in front of the deer, who by this time wises up and vanishes for good.

"Well," says the physicist, "your contraption didn't get it either."

"What do you mean?" pipes up the mathematician. "Between the two of you, that was a perfect shot!"

How they knew it was a deer

The physicist observed that it behaved in a deer-like manner, so it must be a deer.

The mathematician asked the physicist what it was, thereby reducing it to a previously solved problem.

The engineer was in the woods to hunt deer, therefore it was a deer.

2

First the engineer's coffee maker catches fire on the bathroom vanity. He smells the smoke, wakes up, unplugs it, throws it out the window, and goes back to sleep.

Later that night the physicist smells smoke too. He wakes up and sees that a cigarette butt has set the trash can on fire. He says to himself, "Hmm. How does one put out a fire? One can reduce the temperature of the fuel below the flash point, isolate the burning material from oxygen, or both. This could be accomplished by applying water." So he picks up the trash can, puts it in the shower stall, turns on the water, and, when the fire is out, goes back to sleep.

The mathematician, of course, has been watching all this out the window. So later, when he finds that his pipe ashes have set the bedsheet on fire, he is not in the least taken aback. He immediately sees that the problem reduces to one that has already been solved and goes back to sleep.

3

"Aha," says the engineer, "I see that Scottish sheep are black."

"Hmm," says the physicist, "You mean that some Scottish sheep are black."

"No," says the mathematician, "All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!"

"Oh, no!" shouts the computer scientist, "A special case!"

4

5

6

7

Sequel: This time they are asked simply to fry an egg (no fire). The engineer just does it, kludging along; the physicist calculates carefully and produces a carefully cooked egg; and the mathematician lights a fire in the corner, and says "I have reduced it to the previous problem."

8

The physicist interrupted him: "...but you didn't take individual variations into account. I did a statistical analysis of their previous performances and bet on the horses with the highest probability of winning..."

"...so if you're so hot why are you broke?" asked the engineer. But before the argument can grow, the mathematician takes out his pipe and they get a glimpse of his well-fattened wallet. Obviously here was a man who knows something about horses. They both demanded to know his secret.

"Well," he says, between puffs on the pipe, "first I assumed all the horses were identical and spherical..."

9

Suppose you walked by a burning house and saw a hydrant and a hose not connected to the hydrant. What would you do?

P: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out the fire.

M: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out the fire.

Then they were asked this question:

Suppose you walked by a house and saw a hose connected to a hydrant. What would you do?

P: I would keep walking, as there is no problem to solve.

M: I would disconnect the hose from the hydrant and set the house on fire, reducing the problem to a previously solved form.

10

M: "I just visualize the process."

E: "How can you POSSIBLY visualize something that occurs in 9-dimensional space?"

M: "Easy, first visualize it in N-dimensional space, then let N go to 9."

11

Mathematician: Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the circumference of a circle and its diameter.

Physicist: Pi is 3.1415927plus or minus 0.000000005

Engineer: Pi is about 3.

12

A mathematician will be able to calculate where the shell will land.

A physicist will be able to explain how the shell gets there.

An engineer will stand there and try to catch it.

13

This leaves the mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny.

14

A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive, and escaped.

The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good pitching arm and a new quantum theory.

The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising solution to the kissing problem; his desiccated corpse was propped calmly against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor in blood:

Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.

Proof: assume the opposite...

15

Since I finished my degree and I'm leaving, I thought I'd post this one more time. Enjoy!

A new and improved list - 47 more things not to do!

148 THINGS (NOT) TO DO OR SAY AT OR FOR YOUR THESIS DEFENSE

Written by Master Peter Dutton
contributions by Jim Lalopoulos, Alison Berube, and Jeff Cohen, Patricia Whitson and a few others.

1. "Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the singing of our National Anthem..."
2. Charge 25 cents a cup for coffee.
3. "Charge the mound" when a professor beans you with a high fast question.
4. Describe parts of your thesis using interpretive dance.
5. "Musical accompaniment provided by..."
6. Stage your own death/suicide.
7. Lead the specators in a Wave.
8. Have a sing-a-long.
9. "You call THAT a question? How the hell did they make you a professor?"
10. "Ladies and Gentlemen, as I dim the lights, please hold hands and concentrate so that we may channel the spirit of Lord Kelvin..."
11. Have bodyguards outside the room to "discourage" certain professors from sitting in.
12. Puppet show.
13. Group prayer.
14. Animal sacrifice to the god of the Underworld.
15. Sell T-shirts to recoup the cost of copying, binding, etc.
16. "I'm sorry, I can't hear you - there's a banana in my ear!"
17. Imitate Groucho Marx.
18. Mime.
19. Hold a Tupperware party.
20. Have a bikini-clad model be in charge of changing the overheads.
21. "Everybody rhumba!!"
22. "And it would have worked if it weren't for those meddling kids..."
23. Charge a cover and check for ID.
24. "In protest of our government's systematic and brutal opression of minorities..."
25. "Anybody else as drunk as I am?"
26. Smoke machines, dramatic lighting, pyrotechnics...
27. Use a Super Soaker to point at people.
28. Surreptitioulsy fill the room with laughing gas.
29. Door prizes and a raffle.
30. "Please phrase your question in the form of an answer..."
31. "And now, a word from our sponsor..."
32. Present your entire talk in iambic pentameter.
33. Whine piteously, beg, cry...
34. Switch halfway through your talk to Pig Latin. Or Finnish Pig Latin.
35. The Emperor's New Slides ("only fools can't see the writing...")
36. Table dance (you or an exotic dancer).
37. Fashion show.
38. "Yo, a smooth shout out to my homies..."
39. "I'd like to thank the Academy..."
40. Minstrel show (blackface, etc.).
41. Previews, cartoons, and the Jimmy Fund.
42. Pass the collection basket.
43. Two-drink minimum.
44. Black tie only.
45. "Which reminds me of a story - A Black guy, a Chinese guy, and a Jew walked into a bar..."
46. Incite a revolt.
47. Hire the Goodyear Blimp to circle the building.
48. Release a flock of doves.
49. Defense by proxy.
50. "And now a reading from the Book of Mormon..."
51. Leave Jehovah's Witness pamphlets scattered about.
52. "There will be a short quiz after my presentation..."
53. "Professor Robinson, will you marry me?"
54. Bring your pet boa.
55. Tell ghost stories.
56. Do a "show and tell".
57. Food fight.
58. Challenge a professor to a duel. Slapping him with a glove is optional.
59. Halftime show.
60. "Duck, duck, duck, duck... GOOSE!"
61. "OK - which one of you farted?"
62. Rimshot.
63. Sell those big foam "We're number #1 (sic)" hands.
64. Pass out souvenier matchbooks.
65. 3-ring defense.
66. "Tag - you're it!"
67. Circulate a vicious rumor that the Dead will be opening, making sure that it gets on the radio stations, and escape during all the commotion.
68. Post signs: "Due to a computer error at the Registrar's Office, the original room is not available, and the defense has been relocated to (Made-up non-existent room number)"
69. Hang a pinata over the table and have a strolling mariachi band.
70. Make each professor remove an item of clothing for each question he asks.
71. Rent a billboard on the highway proclaiming "Thanks for passing me Professors X,Y, and Z" - BEFORE your defense happens.
72. Have a make-your-own-sundae table during the defense.
73. Make committee members wear silly hats.
74. Simulate your experiment with a virtual reality system for the spectators.
75. Do a soft-shoe routine.
76. Throw a masquerade defense, complete with bobbing for apples and pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey.
77. Use a Greek Chorus to highlight important points.
78. "The responsorial psalm can be found on page 124 of the thesis..."
79. Tap dance.
80. Vaudeville.
81. "I'm sorry Professor Smith, I didn't say 'SIMON SAYS any questions?'. You're out."
82. Flex and show off those massive pecs.
83. Dress in top hat and tails.
84. Hold a pre-defense pep rally, complete with cheerleaders, pep band, and a bonfire.
85. Detonate a small nuclear device in the room. Or threaten to.
86. Shadow puppets.
87. Show slides of your last vacation.
88. Put your overheads on a film strip. Designate a professor to be in charge of turning the strip when the tape recording beeps.
89. Same as #88, but instead of a tape recorder, go around the room making a different person read the pre-written text for each picture.
90. "OK, everybody - heads down on the desk until you show me you can behave."
91. Call your advisor "sweetie".
92. Have everyone pose for a group photo.
93. Instant replay.
94. Laugh maniacally.
95. Talk with your mouth full.
96. Start speaking in tongues.
97. Explode.
98. Implode.
99. Spontaneously combust.
100. Answer every question with a question.
101. Moon everyone in the room after you are done.
102. "Laugh, will you? Well, they laughed at Galileo, they laughed at Einstein..."
103. Hand out 3-D glasses.
104. "I'm rubber, you're glue..."
105. Go into labor (especially for men).
106. Give your entire speech in a "Marvin Martian" accent.
107. "I don't know - I didn't write this."
108. Before your defense, build trapdoors underneath all the seats.
109. Swing in through the window, yelling a la Tarzan.
110. Lock the department head and his secretary out of the defense room. And the coffee lounge, the department office, the copy room, and the mail room. Heck, lock them out of the building. And refuse to sell them stamps.
111. Roll credits at the end. Include a "key grip", and a "best boy".
112. Hang a disco ball in the center of the room. John Travolta pose optional.
113. Invite the homeless.
114. "I could answer that, but then I'd have to kill you"
115. Hide.
116. Get a friend to ask the first question. Draw a blank-loaded gun and "shoot" him. Have him make a great scene of dying (fake blood helps). Turn to the stunned audience and ask "any other wise-ass remarks?"
117. Same as #116, except use real bullets.
118. "Well, I saw it on the internet, so I figured it might be a good idea..."
119. Wear clown makeup, a clown wig, clown shoes, and a clown nose. And nothing else.
120. Use the words "marginalized", "empowerment", and "patriarchy".
121. Play Thesis Mad Libs.
122. Try to use normal printed paper on the overhead projector.
123. Do your entire defense operatically.
124. Invite your parents. Especially if they are fond of fawning over you. ("We always knew he was such an intelligent child")
125. Flash "APPLAUSE" and "LAUGHTER" signs.
126. Mosh pit.
127. Have cheerleaders. ("Gimme an 'A'!!")
128. Bring Howard Cosell out of retirement to do color commentary.
129. "I say Hallelujah, brothers and sisters!"
130. Claim political asylum.
131. Traffic reports every 10 minutes on the 1's.
132. Introduce the "Eyewitness Thesis Team". Near the end of your talk, cut to Jim with sports and Alison with the weather.
133. Live radio and TV coverage.
134. Hang a sign that says "Thank you for not asking questions"
135. Bring a microphone. Point it at the questioner, talk-show style.
136. Use a TelePromTer
137. "Take my wife - please!"
138. Refuse to answer questions unless they phrase the question as a limerick.
139. Have everyone bring wine glasses. When they clink the glasses with a spoon, you have to kiss your thesis. Or your advisor.
140. Offer a toast.
141. Firewalk.
142. Start giving your presentation 15 minutes early.
143. Play drinking thesis games. Drink for each overhead. Drink for each question. Chug for each awkward pause. This goes for the audience as well.
144. Swoop in with a cape and tights, Superman style.
145. "By the power of Greyskull..."
146. Use any past or present Saturday Night Live catchphrase. Not.
147. Stand on the table.
148. "You think this defense was bad? Let me read this list to show you what I COULD have done..."

The Top 15 Latin Phrases for the 90's

"Log floggit cum palma folliculus."

(If you don't stop it, you'll go blind.)

"Nolo Contendere."

(Hillary, you're on your own.)

"Domino vobiscum."

(The pizza guy's here.)

"Dumbassus! Hottie iste transvestitus!"

(Fool! That gorgeous woman is a crossdresser!)

"Auda similarum ad seattles."

(They all sound just like Pearl Jam.)

"Erectionus finalum."

(Anna Nicole Smith is here, Gramps.)

"Boobi falsetti starrius."

(Sugar, if ya wanna be a star, you're gonna have to do something about that bustline.)

"Veni, veni, veni."

(I came, I came, I came.)

"Sharpei diem."

(Sieze the Wrinkle Dog.)

"Nucleo predicus dispella conducticus."

(Remove foil before microwaving.)

"Motorolus interruptus."

(Hold on, I'm going into a tunnel.)

"Il guyus nissanem iste ickye."

(That Nissan guy gives me the creeps.)

"Bodicus mutilatimus, unemploymi forevercus."

(Better take the nose ring out before the job interview.)

"Dictum ad tua mater."

(Word to your mother!)

"Minutus cantorum, minutus balorum, minutus carborata descendum pantorum."

(A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants.)

Today's "Missed It By THAT Much!" Awards

"Muertes impendum pro saxophones."

(Kenny G. must die.)

"Aquaductus non diuresis!"

(Don't pee in the pool!)

"Si non vittet, accuittere debetis."

(If it doesn't fit, you must acquit.)

"E Pluribus Tupac."

(Rap is everywhere.)

"Alanis horribulus."

(That singer has too damn many personal issues.)

"Carpe trojana!"

(Grab the condoms!)

"Veni, vidi, Pesci."

(I came, I saw, I moidered da bum.)

"Herpescum Dolores Es?"

(Have You Been Tested Recently?)

"Willum fibium comum tupeum."

(Clinton lies like a rug!)

"De comedius non listus nomis uricani."

(In matters of comedy, there can be no hurricane name lists.)

The Others

"E Pluribus Sternum"

(E!: The Howard Stern Publicity Channel)

"Revelare Pecunia!"

(Show Me The Money!)

"Superus Listum Quinque: Domus Burritum Tofus"

(The Top 5 List: Home of the Tofu Burrito)

"Robotisticus Governantimus Inevitabilitus."

(Al Gore is GOING to Be President.)

"Si Archibus Omnibus come, ego vometo."

(If I eat an Arch Deluxe, I'll puke.)

"Ignoramus microsoftis multa pecunia dat."

(Yeah, where *do* I want to go today??)

"Concordia cum Jacksona"

("In Harmony with the Jacksons, now only $15 on cassette or compact disc.)

"Vertere MCIi et conservare pecuniam."

(Switch to MCI and save money.)

"Sic semper tyrannus."

(Your dinosaur is ill.)

"No Quid Pro Quo."

(I'm Sorry, We're All Out of Quid.)

"Cavaet humanus sic tofu burritus e toga."

(Beware of the man with a tofu burrito in his toga.)

"Fortis Vobiscum."

(May the Force Be With You.)

"Nunc Tutus Exitus Computarus."

(It's Now Safe To Turn Off Your Computer.)

"Cui Bono Congresso?"

(Is it good for Sonny Bono?)

"Tempo fugit."

(I drove my Ford off a bridge.)

"Veni, vedi, vichy."

(I came, I saw, I capitulated to the Germans.)

"Litigata Ergo Sum."

(I sue, therefore I am.)

"Coitus octagenarius deneiro."

(Anna Nicole's guide to marriage.)

"Et tu, Bubba?"

(Would you like fries with that, Mr. President?)

"De mortuis nil nisi boner."

(Say nothing but good of the impotent.)

"Et tu, pluribus unum?"

(The government just stabbed me in the back!)

"Cavett Emptor."

(Beware, Dick Cavett could still make a comeback.)

"Tempis Macarena Fugit."

(Time flies when you're doing the Macarena.)

"Veni, Vidi, VCR."

(I came, I saw, I rented it at Blockbuster.)

"Coitus cyber-interruptus."

(AOL problems while chatting with a hot babe on the Net.)

"E pluribus septum."

(Multiple nose piercings.)