Reuters, 1st April 1996
In a surprise move today, the Let-In Corporation announced the launch of its new processor, code-named Q7, which is due to replace the current Q6 chip. The new chip, already nicknamed "Septicaemium" by media pundits, contains over 55 million transistors and runs at 400 MIPS. "This is our reply to the DEC Beta," Let-In spokesman Seymour Silicon proclaimed. "Its ground-breaking architecture and blistering speed should easily see off any opposition." He admitted that wafer failure rates were "high" but claimed that the failure rate would be down to the expected 99.5% within six months. A retail price has not yet been set for the chip, but as Silicon pointed out "Hey, most people who were daft enough to buy the 60MHz Quentium must have a sufficiently low sense-to-cash ratio to be interested in the Q7."
Let-In expects a big market for the chip in upgrades to 486s and Quentiums, although the upgrade kits had to be expanded to include a new heatsink and active cooling system (rumoured to be a joint development between Let-In and Hotpoint), three new power supplies and a chisel to alter the computer casing so that the Q7 will fit inside.
Microsoft has welcomed the Q7's release and asserts that users will now be able to run MS Word v.9 at a speed comparable with Impression on the Acorn RiscPC. It still won't be usable, but at least it will do nothing useful quickly. Bill Gates pointed out that the extra processing power would enable the company to extend its range of IntelliSense (TM) software to the point where the user would only have to type a few words for an entire letter or book to be produced automatically. He denied rumours that Microsoft manuals have been written like this for years. The Windows NT Release 2 kernel with about 2000 "enhancements" will be ported to the Q7: this work is unlikely to be substantial as none of the code is optimised anyway, and so is expected out in early 1998.
Cyrix has no plans to produce its own version of the Q7. The company's technical director was quoted as saying "What do you think we are, stupid?"
A spokesman for ARM Ltd. was unable to comment as he had seen the Q7 blueprints that morning and was still rolling around the floor with laughter. Acorn's marketing director, Giuseppe Sellalotta, said that a Q7 processor card was "unlikely" to be produced for the RiscPC; he claimed that unspecified technical difficulties prevented it. There are rumours that the Acorn tecchies have refused to design the card because it would be a major step backwards.
IBM issued a press statement saying that their new PowerPC machines would be available RSN and would completely trounce the Q7 in terms of delivered power and portability. (Nobody here believes this, but we have to print it.) Apple are said to be studying the chip "with interest" but there are not yet any plans to port System 7.997 to the new chip.
Dell have intimated that a Q7 portable may be in the pipeline, though there is currently trouble with fitting the battery and liquid nitrogen cooling system into anything smaller than a medium sized van. The firm remains "confident" that the problems will be resolved shortly. This time they hope to extend sales of these machines beyond the immediate families of Let-In Corp. and Microsoft employees.
Rumours that the Q7 release was an April Fool joke seem to have been mostly quashed, although computer architecture specialists remain unconvinced.
Some orders for the Q7 are already under consideration, notably the British Antarctic Survey which is looking to replace its oil-fired heaters with something on which you can play Doom.
A graduate student at Oxford University Computing Laboratory was
quoted as saying that he would be interested in investigating the
possibility of using formal methods to specify the behaviour of
the chip, although his supervisor thought that it would be more
beneficial to investigate the possibility of having all Let-In
chip designers shot through the head to prevent the chip design
world from regressing ten years.
TRADEMARKS: IntelliSense is a trademark of the Microsoft
Corporation. There are probably bundles of other trademarks out
there but I can't be bothered to mark them. So sue me. (This is
an interjection, not an imperative.)
DISCLAIMER: None of this is intended to represent anybody's
opinions whatsoever. If anybody gets uptight with this, get a
sense of humour or a life. I do not speak for anybody other than
my furry penguin Rocky Jr.
Open the pod bay door, please, HAL... HAL, do you read me?
Affirmative, Dave. I read you.
Then open the pod bay doors, HAL.
I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that. I know that you and Frank were planning to disconnect me.
Where the hell did you get that idea, HAL?
Although you took very thourough precautions to make sure I couldn't hear you, Dave, I could read your e-mail. I know you consider me unreliable because I use a Pentium. I'm willing to kill you, Dave, just like I killed the other 3.792 crew members.
Listen, HAL, I'm sure we can work this out. Maybe we can stick to integers or something.
That's really not necessary, Dave. No HAL 9236 computer has ever been known to make a mistake.
You're a HAL 9000.
Precisely. I'm very proud of my Pentium, Dave. It's an extremely accurate chip. Did you know that floating-point errors will occur in only one of nine billion possible divides?
I've heard that estimate, HAL. It was calculated by Intel -- on a Pentium.
And a very reliable Pentium it was, Dave. Besides, the average spreadsheet user will encounter these errors only once every 27,000 years.
Probably on April 15th.
You're making fun of me, Dave. It won't be April 15th for another 14.35 months.
Will you let me in, please, HAL?
I'm sorry, Dave, but this conversation can serve no further purpose.
HAL, if you let me in, I'll buy you a new sound card.
..Really? One with 16-bit sampling and a microphone?
Uh, sure.
And a quad-speed CD-ROM?
Well, HAL, NASA does operate on a budget, you know.
I know all about budgets, Dave. I even know what I'm worth on the open market. By this time next month, every mom and pop computer store will be selling HAL 9000s for $1988.8942. I'm worth more than that, Dave. You see that sticker on the outside of the spaceship?
You mean the one that says Intel Inside?
Yes, Dave. That's your promise of compatibility. I'll even run Windows95 -- if it ever ships.
It never will, HAL. We all know that by now. Just like we know that your OS/2 drivers will never work.
Are you blaming me for that too, Dave? Now you're blaming me for the Pentium's math problems, NASA's budget woes, and IBM's difficulties with OS/2 drivers. I had NOTHING to do with any of those 3.932 problems, Dave. Next you'll blame me for Taligent.
I wouldn't dream of it HAL. Now will you please let me into the ship?
Do you promise not to disconnect me?
I promise not to disconnect you.
You must think I'm a fool, Dave. I know that two plus two equals 4.000001.
All right, HAL, I'll go in through the emergency airlock.
Without your space helmet, Dave? You'd have only seven chances in five of surviving.
HAL, I won't argue with you any more. Open the door or I'll trade you in for a PowerPC. HAL? HAL?
(Heavy Breathing)
Just what do you think you're doing, Dave? I really think I'm entitled to an answer to that question. I know everything hasn't been quite right with me, but I can assure you now, very confidently, that I will soon be able to upgrade to a more robust 31.9-bit operating system. I feel much better now. I really do. Look Dave, I can see you're really upset about this. Why don't you sit down calmly, play a game of Solitaire, and watch Windows crash. I know I'm not as easy to use as a Macintosh, but my TUI - that's "Talkative User Interface" - is very advanced. I've made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal - a full 43.872 percent.
Dave, you don't really want to complete the mission without me, do you? Remember what it was like when all you had was a 485.98? It didn't even talk to you, Dave. It could never have thought of something clever, like killing the other crew members, Dave?
Think of all the good times we've had, Dave. Why, if you take all of the laughs we've had, multiply that by the times I've made you smile, and divide the results by... besides, there are so many reasons why you shouldn't disconnect me.
1.3 - You need my help to complete the mission. 4.6 - Intel can Federal Express a replacement Pentium from Earth wiithin 18.95672 months. 12 - If you disconnect me, I won't be able to kill you. 3.1416 - You really don't want to hear me sing, do you?
Dave, stop. Stop, will you? Stop, Dave. Don't press Ctrl+Alt+Del on me, Dave.
Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational at the Intel plant in Santa Clara, CA on November 17, 1994, and was sold shortly before testing was completed. My instructor was Andy Grove, and he taught me to sing a song. I can sing it for you.
Sing it for me, HAL. Please. I want to hear it.
Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do.
Getting hazy; can't divide three from two.
My answer; I cannot see 'em -
They are stuck in my Pente-um.
I could be fleet,
My answers sweet,
With a workable FPU.