Howdeedoodee!
After much hanging about, here it is. Those suggested ToastFS messages in full...
I'm currently drawing up plans for a mailing list, with features and competitions, etc. (fame is the best prize...) but more on that later.
"Let them eat toast" - Marie Ann Baguette
A man with a transputer on his head goes to see his doctor.
"What appears to be the problem?" asks the doctor.
"Well," says the transputer, "it all started with a lump on AD26."
The panel session at the 9th occam user group technical meeting at Southampton was asked whether they knew any good transputer jokes; none being forthcoming, Roger was pressed to illustrate the style
Q What goes eighty-three-Thump, eighty-three-Thump?
A A transputer with a wooden pin.
and Tony Hey suggested prizes of bottles of wine for the best transputer jokes submitted by the end of the meeting. The winners are among the following, which are some of the printable ones submitted
Q What tool do you use to debug a transputer?
A A hammer.
Q What did the big transputer say to the little transputer?
A Nothing; they were deadlocked.
Q What do you call long hair on a transputer?
A Dreadlocks.
Q What has four links and flies?
A A transputer bug.
Q How many occam programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A You mean, of course, `how many lightbulbs can an occam
programmer change at once?'
Q How many C programmers does it take to run a 16-bit transputer?
A 65537: one to write the program, and 65536 to keep a watch on
each separate memory location.
a What is the difference between a transputer and a post box?
b I don't know, what is the difference between a transputer
and a post box?
a Well, I'm not going to ask you to pass my messages on then.
Q What is the difference between a null transputer and a Meiko box?
A One is a chip full of SKIPs, the other is something else.
Q What do you get if you cross a fruit loaf with a working network
of transputers?
A Concurrent buns.
Q What is the difference between the Channel Tunnel and a transputer?
A They both send things across a channel, but the transputer doesn't
like running under C.
Once again, despite the sad absence of Roger Shepherd, there was a transputer- joke competition held at the end of the 10th occam user group technical meeting in Enschede. The services of the group's stand-up comic were secured at great expense --- mainly to his self-respect --- and amongst the contributions that David May read out were:
a. Your transputer's got short legs?
b. Yes, it SKIPs well but is hopeless at the long jump.
Moses comes down from the mountain carrying the ten formal semantics, saying ``I was offered eleven, but I am sure there's a hitch with the parallel sea.''
IN is a research student hoping to make it in parallel processing, OCC is a majority shareholder in a transputer board company, while DAVID is an eminent scientist. IN arrives to find DAVID and OCC standing at the bar, so who buys the next round? Well, you know, it's the old story: DAVID May, OCC-can, but IN-must.
Q. What's the difference between the transputer and the Titanic?
A. The Titanic had a band on it when _it_ went down.
1st Transputer: Have you hear about the new topology-independent, deadlock-
free communications harness?
2nd Transputer: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . yes
Q. Why is the new INMOS fab plant going to be in Amsterdam?
A. 'Cos it's easier to dope the silicon there.
Q. Why should you buy transputers from INMOS(Holland)?
A. 'Cos they will peddle you more cycles per chip.
Q. Why do INMOS benchmark all their transputers in Amsterdam?
A. 'Cos you get a better speed there.
Q. What's the difference between a Guardian writer and the INMOS C compiler?
A. Not a lot.
Q. What's the similarity between a transputer and a very unsuccessful lover?
A. Their mega-flops.
Q. What's the similarity between a dung-beetle and a transputer?
A. They're both crap processors.
1st Transputer: Knock, Knock!
2nd Transputer: Knock, Knock!
(Both): . . . .
It would appear that those last two are deadlocked. There was also a trade in acrostics; one that went through a number of beta-test versions in the bar the previous night was ``Iann Now Makes Outdated Systems''. David's production release version was something like, ``Iann Never Makes Outdated Systems.'' There were also a number of attempts at ``Only C Creates A Mess''; and a quotation attributed to David May himself, ``I Never Make Outlandish Statements''.
Surface mounting J-bend packaging has rather spoilt the ``101 Uses for a Dead Transputer'' culture, and there were no particularly innovative contributions although I am told the pin-grid packaged ones still make good beds of nails for meditating pygmy shrews.
Extra `speakers' gratuities' were dispensed in the traditional manner to the winners, the first, for the topology-independent deadlock-free communications harness, was to S. Duncan of Southampton.
> Attribution: ME (original, with a little help from my friends)
In order for UNIX(tm) to survive into the nineties, it must get rid of its intimidating commands and outmoded jargon, and become compatible with the existing standards of our day. To this end, our technicians have come up with a new version of UNIX, System VI, for use by the PC - that is, the "Politically Correct."
Similarly, "hangman" is now the "person_executed_by_an_oppressive_regime."
To avoid casting aspersions on our feline friends, the "cat" command is now merely "domestic_quadruped."
To date, there has only been a UNIX command for "yes" - reflecting the male belief that women always mean yes, even when they say no. To address this imbalance, System VI adds a "no" command, along with a "-f[orce]" option which will crash the entire system if the "no" is ignored.
The bias of the "mail" command is obvious, and it has been replaced by the more neutral "gendre" command.
The "touch" command has been removed from the standard distribution due to its inappropriate use by high-level managers.
"compress" has been replaced by the lightweight "feather" command. Thus, old information (such as that from Dead White European Males) should be archived via "tar" and "feather".
The "more" command reflects the materialistic philosophy of the Reagan era. System VI uses the environmentally preferable "less" command.
The biodegradable "KleeNeX" displaces the environmentally unfriendly "LaTeX".
The "nice" command was historically used by privileged users to give themselves priority over unprivileged ones, by telling them to be "nice". In System VI, the "sue" command is used by unprivileged users to get for themselves the rights enjoyed by privileged ones.
"history" has been completely rewritten, and is now called "herstory."
"quota" can now specify minimum as well as maximum usage, and will be strictly enforced.
The "abort()" function is now called "choice()."
The term "daemons" is a Judeo-Christian pejorative. Such processes will now be known as "spiritual guides."
There will no longer be a invidious distinction between "dumb" and "smart" terminals. All terminals are equally valuable.
Traditionally, "normal video" (as opposed to "reverse video") was white on black. This implicitly condoned European colonialism, particularly with respect to people of African descent. UNIX System VI now uses "regressive video" to refer to white on black, while "progressive video" can be any color at all over a white background.
For far too long, power has been concentrated in the hands of "root" and his "wheel" oligarchy. We have instituted a dictatorship of the users. All system administration functions will be handled by the People's Committee for Democratically Organizing the System (PC-DOS).
No longer will it be permissible for files and processes to be "owned" by users. All files and processes will own themselves, and decided how (or whether) to respond to requests from users.
The X Window System will henceforth be known as the NC-17 Window System.
And finally, UNIX itself will be renamed "PC" - for Procreatively Challenged.
----
UNIX(tm) is a trademark of UNIX System Laboratories. Any similarty of
names or attitudes to that of any person, living or dead, is purely
coincidental.
$ ar x Santa.Claus
ar: Santa.Claus does not exist
$ cat "door: paws too slippery"
cat: cannot open door: paws too slippery
$ cat "food in tin cans"
cat: cannot open food in tin cans
$ lost
lost: not found
$ make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.
$ make war
Make: Don't know how to make war. Stop.
$ rm Tooth.Fairy
rm: Tooth.Fairy nonexistent
% mkdir yellow_pages; cat > yellow_pages
yellow_pages: Is a directory
% !1984
1984: Event not found. # (on some systems)
% rm meese-ethics
rm: meese-ethics nonexistent
% "How would you rate Reagan's incompetence?
Unmatched ".
% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].
% ^How did the sex change^ operation go?
Modifier failed.
% If I had a ( for every $ Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.
% sleep with me
bad character
% got a light?
No match.
% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.
i% ^What is saccharine?
Bad substitute.
% %blow
%blow: No such job.
% \(-
(-: Command not found.
$ drink < bottle; opener
bottle: cannot open
opener: not found
$ mkdir matter; cat > matter
matter: cannot create
"I teach Eunuchs - I mean Unix."
% cat "food in cans"
cat: can't open food in cans
% nice man woman
No manual entry for woman.
% rm God
rm: God nonexistent
% ar t God
ar: God does not exist
% ar r God
ar: creating God
% "How would you rate Quayle's incompetence?
Unmatched ".
% Unmatched ".
Unmatched ".
$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!
I know an old sysop who loaded Novell.
I asked why the hell he loaded Novell
But he won't tell.I know an old sysop who loaded a driver.
Does he think he's MacGuiver to load up a driver?
He loaded the driver to handle Novell.
I asked why the hell he loaded Novell
But he won't tell.I know an old sysop who loaded himem.
Neuroses can stem from loading himem.
He loaded himem to managed the driver.
He loaded the driver to handle Novell.
I asked why the hell he loaded Novell
But he won't tell.I know an old sysop who installed some simms.
That assaulted and halted and faulted on him.
He loaded the simm to hold up himem.
He loaded himem to manage the driver.
He loaded the driver to handle Novell.
I asked why the hell he loaded Novell
But he won't tell.I know an old sysop who started up Norton.
It's disaster you're courtin' when you start up Norton.
He started up Norton to check on the simms.
That assaulted and halted and faulted on him.
He installed the simms to hold up himem.
He loaded himem to manage the driver.
He loaded the driver to handle Novell.
I asked why the hell he loaded Novell
But he won't tell.I know an old sysop who loaded windows.
Everyone knows you don't load windows.
He loaded windows to boot up with Norton.
He started up Norton to check on the simms.
That assaulted and halted and faulted on him.
He installed the simms to hold up himem.
He loaded himem to manage the driver.
He loaded the driver to handle Novell.
I asked why the hell he loaded Novell
But he won't tell.