If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: \mstv.dinn.//08.5min@@50%heat// Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.
If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.
If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the diner exactly to your specification.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap. This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor. Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.
Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.
Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.
Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.
From jah@praxis-cs.co.uk Wed Oct 1 09:39:52 BST 1997 Article: 41 of praxis-cs.technical I thought this was a run of the mill message to the formal methods mailing group. Then I saw who it was from.... Forwarded message: From fsdm@it.uq.edu.au Mon Sep 29 00:20:08 1997 Date: Mon, 29 Sep 1997 09:20:27 +1000 (EST) From: FSDM Mailing List <fsdm@it.uq.edu.au> Message-Id: <199709282320.JAA04814@isa.it.uq.edu.au> Subject: Formal methods research positions Apparently-To: <jah@praxis.co.uk> ----------------- Formal Software Development Methods (FSDM) mailing list Submissions and (un)subscription requests to fsdm@it.uq.edu.au or see http://svrc.it.uq.edu.au/pages/FSDM_mailing_list.html ----------------- Colleagues, I am forming a new research group one of whose major focuses will be the invention, design, and construction of tools for helping real-world programmers to construct (more) correct code, to modify code without introducing new errors, and to more reliably and comprehensively test their programs. I am seeking researchers at all levels to form the research nucleus of this group. Ideally, the group will have experts in static and dynamic program analysis, type systems, formal methods, program visualization, programming languages, and black-box and white-box program testing. This would be an ideal group to join for those researchers who who want their research not only to have academic impact, but also to change how professional developers write, modify, and maintain large, complex code bases. Product groups are already using bug-finding and meta-programming tools developed by a predecessor research group (the Program Analysis Group), setting the stage for collaborative efforts and feedback. MSR is providing ample programming support for our prototyping efforts. Please bring this message to the attention of all relevant parties, esp. those in the communites (e.g., formal methods) that I do not have strong contacts with. Thank you, Daniel Weise <dweise@MICROSOFT.com> PS Below is the "official" blurb for the position. The Semantics Based Tools Group in Microsoft Research (http://www.research.microsoft.com/sbt) seeks talented and motivated researchers at all levels to help us to conduct research on methods to make it easier to construct correct programs and to detect or prevent program defects. Such methods include, but are not limited to, static error detection; user programmable type systems; practical and deployable formal methods; language extensions; constraint systems; code comprehension and visualization tools; transformation systems; test generation; white-box testing; and stochastic testing. We are looking for people with proven research expertise, as evidenced, for example, by either a dissertation or published papers, and the ability and desire to construct working prototypes. Interested candidates should send their CV to dweise@microsoft.com.
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan,
And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com -Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way
From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.No more dolls or toy soldiers or little toy drums (ahem - pardon me)
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,
It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist -
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,
As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS, and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.
Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer.
In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief". He went on to say that Gates has a "proven track record", and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their "full support and confidence". Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft.
Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as "silly", though did say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed, "and look how well we're doing".
When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking place".
Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft products.
About Microsoft Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in software for personal computers, and democratic government. The company offers a wide range of products and services for public, business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing and free society every day.
About the United States Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C., the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.
"The United States of America" and "Microsoft" are registered trademarks of Microsoft Corporation.
Here's the breakdown of the 24 hours:
1 hour Connecting via 800-number to Microsoft
2 hours Selecting Help Desk options
12 hours On hold with Microsoft's Help Desk
2 hours Condescending suggestions from Microsoft
technician like "is the computer turned on?"
3 hours Waiting for a call back from technician while
playing Solitaire and drinking Stoli
2 hours Thirty (30) re-boots
1 hour Discussion on waiting for Windows '98
0.5 hour Discussion with Bill Gates to determine if
ghost space stations will become standard
0.5 hour Reinstallation of Operating System