Seeing my great fault
Through darkening blue windows
I begin again
The code was willing,
It considered your request,
But the chips were weak.
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.
wind catches lily
scatt'ring petals to the wind:
segmentation fault
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
Everything is gone;
Your life's work has been destroyed.
Squeeze trigger (yes/no)?
Server's poor response
Not quick enough for browser.
Timed out, plum blossom.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
Login incorrect.
Only perfect spellers may
enter this system.
Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
This site has been moved.
We'd tell you where, but then we'd
have to delete you.
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
No keyboard present
Hit F1 to continue
Zen engineering?
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy.
(by Bob Ziegler)
Nine-tenths of a gig,
Biggest ever seen,
God, this program's big--
MS Word 15!
Comes on ten CDs,
And requires--damn!
Word is fine, but jeez--
60 megs of RAM?!Oh! Microsoft, Microsoft,
Bloatware all the way!
I've sat here installing Word
Since breakfast yesterday!
Oh! Microsoft, Microsoft,
Moderation, please.
Guess you hadn't noticed:
Four-gig drives don't grow on trees!
PATRON: Waiter ! Waiter !
WAITER: Hi, my name is Bill. I'm your support waiter for this
evening. What seems to be the problem ?
PATRON: There's a fly in my soup !
WAITER: Try looking again, Sir, maybe it won't be there this
time. We've never had bugs in our soup. It's impossible.
PATRON: No, it's still there.
WAITER: Maybe it's the way you're eating the soup. Try eating it
with a fork instead, this might cure the problem.
PATRON: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
WAITER: Did you consider the capacity of the bowl prior to
installing the soup ?
PATRON: Ehh ?
WAITER: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind
of bowl are you using ?
PATRON: A completely ordinary soup bowl !
WAITER: Are you sure it's a restauarnt approved bowl ? Does it
have our sticker on it ?
PATRON: It's one of your soup bowls. There are no other soup bowl
suppliers in here.
WAITER: Does it have a serial number? I might need to check it
for authorised use.
PATRON: It's one of your standard bowls. You just brought it to
me.
WAITER: Hmmm. Well it should work. No one else has ever reported
this kind of problem before.
We never have this sort of problem normally.
Indeed we only set up the waiter service to reassure our
customers.
PATRON: Well even so, there is still a fly in my soup that you
served to me in your restaurant in this bowl.
WAITER: Hmmm. Maybe it's a configuration problem. Have you
checked the setup of all the other associated accessories ?
PATRON: What ?
WAITER: Well, how was the bowl set up when you started out ?
PATRON: Look, you brought me the soup on a large plate a few
minutes ago, what's that got to do with the soup bowl setup ?
WAITER: Can you remember precisely everything you did up until
the exact moment you noticed the apparent fly in the soup ?
PATRON: Listen, I sat down, and ordered soup of the day. You
brought it over, and there it was.
WAITER: Ok, Ok, but have you considered upgrading to the latest
soup of the day ?
PATRON: Oh no, You have more than one soup of the day each day?
WAITER: Well yes, the soup of the day is changed every hour or
so, just as quickly as we can add enhancements.
PATRON: Alright then, what is the soup of the day now ?
WAITER: The current soup of the day is a much more advanced
soup, called Tomato Soup.
(c.1997 Microsoft, ® Microsoft. no unauthorised use of
'tomato' permitted. ever. by anyone.).
It's going to revolutionise soup as we know it. Everyone
will use it. We will be greater.
PATRON: Ahhhh. Fine. Ok. I'm hungry, so I'll have it. Bring me
the tomato soup and the cheque. I'm running way behind schedule now.
WAITER: Well how about soup NT ? We only recommend this for
hungry users.
PATRON: Listen, Bill, bug-free soup of the day. NOW !
...
WAITER: Here you are Sir, your soup and the cheque.
PATRON: But this is potato soup ?
WAITER: Yes, the tomato soup hasn't been perfected just yet.
PATRON: Arrrgghh. Ok. It's fine. It looks fly free. I'll just
have to have it. But I never want to come here again.
WAITER: I'm sorry you feel that way sir. As the only restaurant
in town we always try and please our clients....
... and the bill read :-
Soup of the day 3.00 Upgrade to newer soup 1.99 Access to soup support 10.00 Waste surcharge 2.00 Management time 5.00 Additional replacement utensils 0.99 Window cleaning charge 4.00 Total 38.55(The till had a 3 yr old Pentium inside )
Management note: apparent 'Bug' feature in original soup was included for no extra charge. All further soups of the day will not be supplied with this feature enabled.
I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Army, and I have a second cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi hate literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia. The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket Benny "The Fingers") and my aunt and kid sisters, who are well-known street walkers.
My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school. To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business. But -- I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers, once she has a chance to meet them.
In your opinion, Abby: Should I -- or shouldn't I -- let her know about my second cousin who works for Microsoft?