REDMOND WASHINGTON (AP) -- MICROSOFT announced that it, like thousand of computer users everywhere, was tired of spoofs of Microsoft Acquires. Users of the internet have been bombarded in recent months by spoof announcements of "Microsoft Acquires." Recent announcements have included Microsoft acquiring Christmas, the year 1995, and the Vatican. Therefore, Microsoft spokesmen announced today that they had acquired the rights to all further "Microsoft Acquires" announcements.
Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates said, during a brief appearance at the announcement, "Everytime someone puts one of those d_mned 'Microsoft Announces' spoofs on the net, 300 people forward it to me. This should put a stop to that. And really, they're not that funny. They're just not."
Industry analysts had mixed reviews. One analyst Martin Sierpinsky, believed that the effect of this latest announcement would be minimal. "Spoof writers will simply switch to another topic, such as 'IBM lays off elves' or something." But another industry analyst, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said "This spells the end of competition in humor about Microsoft. Microsoft will now control the entire Microsoft Humor niche. They probably see this as a foothold into the Computer Humor market. I think they will next attempt to acquire exclusive rights to the Hackers Dictionary." David Wiborg said "I don't think it's that significant. I think the 'Microsoft Acquires' thing was just a fad. In fact, a recent Gallop poll of 'Rec.humor.funny' readers ranked 'Microsoft Acquires' jokes above Mouse Balls, but below Iraqi Driver's Ed."
Microsoft stock closed up 3/8 of a point yesterday on heavy trading.
#include <nonsense.h>
#include <lies.h>
#include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include <process.h> /* For the court of law */
#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version
void main()
{
if (latest_window_version > one_month_old)
{
if (there_are_still_bugs)
market(bugfix);
if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
}
while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
{
make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking);
/* Standard Call, inlie.h */
if (rumours_grow_wilder)
make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
{
market_time=ripe;
say("It will be ready in one month);
order(programmers,
stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
order(programmers,
start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
order(marketingstaff,
permission_to_spread_nonsense);
vapourware=TRUE;
break;
}
}
switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
{
case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
say("It will be ready in", today+_30_days,"
we're just testing");
break;
case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
say("Yes it will work");
ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
pretend(there_is_no_problem);
break;
case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning
speed due to"
" the 32 bits architecture");
inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise
skyhigh");
inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
"'cos all those customers will need at least
32 megs");
inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your
sales will triple");
get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
break;
case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better
world for everyone");
register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
when(time_is_ripe)
{
arrest(journalist);
brainwash(journalist);
when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
{
order(journalist, "write a
nice objective article");
release (journalist);
}
}
break;
}
while (vapourware)
{
introduction_date++; /* Delay */
if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
break;
say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
}
release(beta_version)
while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
{
bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
introduce(more_memory_requirements);
if (customers_report_installation_problems)
{
say("that is a hardware problem, not a
software problem");
if(smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
{
ignore(customer);
order(microsoft_intelligence_agency,
"Keep an eye on this bastard");
}
}
if (there_is_another_company)
{
steal(their_ideas);
accuse(company, stealing_our_ideas);
hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
buy_out(other_company);
}
}
/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all
angry
at us */
order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
buy(nice_little_island);
hire(harem);
laugh_at(everyone,
for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version
);
}
void bugfix(void)
{
charge(a_lot_of_money);
if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
if (still_complaints)
{
ignore(customer);
register(customer, big_Bill_book);
/* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/ }
}
}
The correspondent did not say if it compiled...
Researchers are scrambling to isolate a particularly virulent strain of virus following nationwide outbreaks over the past few days that have felled scores of computer users.
The virus -- termed Winfluenza late-95 -- was first reported on August 24 at a clinic near Redmond, Washington. Scientists are stumped, however, by its near simultaneous appearance across most of the United States, particularly around large population centers.
Dr. Srinivasa Upasani of the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta noted that "the population most particularly at risk would appear to be relatively naive computer users, particularly those unduly susceptible to media influence and hyperbole".
Symptoms reportedly include severe headache, muscle ache, blurred vision, increased blood pressure, and in severe cases, lacerations incurred during uncontrollable muscle spasms that typically result in destruction of the victims personal computer.
Emergency rooms, which received a flood of stricken individuals over the weekend, report that victims tend to be incoherent and unable to control bodily functions. ER technician Nate Williams, who has dealt with a number of Winfluenza cases, observed, "those dudes are hurtin, I dont know what would do that to a person, but man I dont want no part of it"!
Officials are following up on reports that the virus may have been purposely spread through infected software packages. Director Marlene Eison of the Federal Bureau of Investigation said, "we are working closely with local and state law enforcement officials to ascertain whether the Winfluenza virus was the work of a cult".
Since the outbreaks began August 24, persistent rumors have linked Winfluenza late-95 to an obscure cult in upper Washington that follow an enigmatic leader known only as Mr. Bill. The office of the Washington State Attorney General has reportedly been investigating the cult since it became clear that Mr. Bill was bent on world domination.
The cult allegedly employs hordes of caffeine-addicted laborers to craft a varying array of viruses and has been accused of using mind control to recruit gullible followers. Microsoff spokesperson, Mick Jagger, refused to comment.
In conjunction with the launch of MicroSoft Windows 95, Microsoft are paying for The Times newspaper, so it will be free.
Anyway, this came up in our conversation at work and is original to us...
It probably means that Thursday's (24th Aug) Edition will be bulkier than usual, use more resources, and mean you'll be slower taking it home.
And in two months time, they'll send out a few extra pages, with scissors and sticky tape, as a patch.
Microsoft's pick for Rolling Stones song to launch Windows 95: "Start Me Up"
(Isn't it ironic that one of the lines is "..make a grown man cry..."?)
Bill Gate's message to the world: "Under My Thumb"
Bill's album pick: "Made in the Shade"
Song picks for the rest of us:
After hearing that REM rejected the MS offer to buy a song for ad purposes, it came to me that it might have been:
LOSING MY CONNECTION by Alan Zacher
to the tune of Losing My Religion
(Apologies to REM)
Windoze is bigger
It's bigger than Earth
But not quite as big as
The things that I must do now
To upgrade all my stuff
Oh no I need more RAM
I set it upThat's me in the corner
That's me on the help line
Losing my connection
Trying to keep up with OS/2
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I need more RAM
I haven't bought enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you Ping!
I think I thought I saw a GPFEvery nightmare
Of velour vest wearing Borg, I'm
Purchasing new hardware
Trying to cool my CPU
Like a Pentium that become a 286
Oh no I need more RAM
Resistance is futile.Consider this
The OS of the century
Consider this
The OS that brought me
To my knees failed
Now all these open apps have
Come crashing down
Now I need more RAM
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you Ping!
I think I thought I saw a GPFBut that was just a dream
I hope that was a dream...
And LO! The Lord of the OS did come down among His sheep and He did sayeth, Thou Shalt Pay Bill Gates, and he will deleverith unto you my product.
I am Win95, your GUI. Thou shalt not have false GUI's on machines before me.
And the Lord said, "16 bit applications are evil! I am sorry I ever created them. I shall destroy them all and start over. Thou shalt all buy new computers."
And the prophet Intel came forward and said, "But Lord, what about backwards compatibility? What about the tribes of 8086 and 80286 and 80386?" And Lo! the Lord became angry and said, "Compatability is irrelevant. You will be assimilated."
And the consumers gathered around Bill Gates and the tower of Microsoft, and they asked, "Prophet, how much must we spend on salvation? Seven times our investment?" And Bill Gates turned to the crowd and he said unto them, "Nay, consumers, you must not spend seven times your investment, but rather seventy times seven times your investment. Only then shall you be saved."
And the consumers did as they were told. But the product did not work, and they grew angry, and they cried out to the Lord, "Lord, we have done as you asked, but the product does not work! Our machines, they run slow! Our applications, they do not run." And the Lord said unto them, "I tell you this, it is easier for Alice Cooper to enter the gates of heaven than for a Pentium to run Windows95."
And as the masses came forward, I saw inscribed upon their heads W95, the Number of the Bill.
And the Prophet Bill, for that is who it must have been, he raised his right hand, and broke the first seal, saying, "Behold, the seal of Microsoft. By the breaking of this seal you are bound unto whatever the contract within may say." And as the seal was broken, all the great empires around the world were set upon with famine and floods and swarms of bugs like never seen before and great anguish befell them all. And lo, the Prophet Bill held up the scroll and said, "Behold, the second seal! I shall not break it today, but rather I shalt break it soon, like perhaps next week, or maybe the week thereafter. Thou shalt wait expectantly for its breaking, shalt not produce any other work until that time shall come."
len.melcer@argonet.co.uk
cpian@mail.bris.ac.uk
tonyh@tcp.co.uk
nigel@c3po.demon.co.uk
ian@dungeon.demon.co.uk
mew@argonet.co.uk
vince.mh@argonet.co.uk
All posting to comp.sys.acorn.
Microsoft today announced that it will be changing its name to "Moft" -- which will clear up space on user's hard disks. It is estimated that a typical Windows 95 installation contains about 2,800,000 copies of the word "Microsoft", in copyright notices, end-user licence agreements, 'About' screens, etc. So, after the change, a user will have about 14 MBytes more disk space. Stock prices of hard-disk manufacturers dipped slightly after the announcement.
"Well, the programs will take up less space on the user's disk," said Bill Gates, CEO of Moft. "But we have never cared about that. The change will allow us to ship Windows 95 on 13 disks instead of 14, thus saving about $50 million a year in media costs. We are also looking at shortening the names of some of our software products; for instance 'The Microsoft Exchange' may be changed to 'The Moft Pit'.
Gates added that the junior programmer who discovered the potential savings has been rewarded with a free copy of 'Moft Off for Moft Win 95'.
Geordi "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."
Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.
Riker looks puzzled. "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"
Data turns to answer. "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."
Picard "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
Data "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."
Picard "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."
. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .
Data "Captain, we have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the Borg's command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all available resources. However, we have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."
Geordi "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
Picard "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed."
Data "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards."
Riker "Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F ...."
Geordi, excited "Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"
Picard "Data, what do your scanners show?"
Data, studying displays "Appearently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named `Solitaire', and it has used up all available CPU capacity."
Picard "Let's wait and see how long this 'Solitaire' can reduce their functionality."
. . . Two Hours Pass . . .
Riker "Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?"
Geordi "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft Fun-pack'.
Picard "How much time will that buy us?"
Data "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."
Geordi "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
Picard "Identify."
Data "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo..."
Over the speakers "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY."
Data "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid-shaped objects."
Picard "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!"
Riker "My God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward the Borg ship - with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!"
Data "I don't believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits."
Riker and Picard, together - horrified "Lawyers!!"
Geordi "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
Data "True, but appearently some must have survived."
Riker "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."
Data "I believe that is known in ancient venacular as `red tape'. It often proves fatal."
Riker "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"
Picard "Turn the monitors off, Data, I can't bear to watch. Even the Borg don't deserve such a gruesome death!"
HTMLalized by Chris Dent.